There's a suggestion to do a post reviewing the past year. Oh well... okay. My memory is rusty. But I shall start with general musings first...

I think I live mainly in the present. 

I generally dislike thinking about the past because the past holds no wonders for me and it's all old news to my mind. I've done good things-- alright, meh, the present holds more challenges; I've done bad things-- no, stop thinking about that embarrassing incident again! 

I rarely think about the future too, but I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I assume present circumstances will just extrapolate themselves into the future and anything else is unexpected and can't really be planned. 

So I immerse myself in the present. Which can be quite bad because when my present is really boring I get disheartened about the future and start to wonder why I live an existence like that. For e.g. boring readings and less-than-nice-but-better-than-nasty cca mates. When I have an entire day free to myself I usually spend  it reading my notes, and when I'm not reading my notes, I'm being a lump of flesh. Being a lump of flesh is very comfortable but when I snap out of it I start to feel useless. 

You can skip this if you don't wanna read a book review

Speaking of being a lump of flesh, that's what I became when I read Milan Kundera's The Unbelievable Lightness of Being, because some parts of the book were quite boring (the political bits), but the parts about family/human relationships (ahem) were more engaging. E.g. the part about their dog dying was quite sad. I don't normally feel sad about animals dying in books, but for this one I did. It was all the more touching when the author explained why the lady's love for the dog was better than the love she had for her husband-- because her love for the dog was unconditional but her love for her husband wasn't, because she couldn't get over her husband's infidelity. Still, note that she loved her husband more deeply.

I ahem-ed earlier because the author included some erotic moments, but I'm used to reading stuff like that already anyway. I like how he zooms in on the characters' thoughts and feelings. Every one of them feels so real, and helps me to feel more real too. If you know the story, I'd like to say I identify most with Franz, the guy who wants to live in truth and not in lies (He admitted to his wife that he had a mistress). I've admitted many things before. But his mistress left him because she wanted to live in secrecy and not in truth (for the public to judge), which I felt was slightly sad (slightly, because why did he have to be so honest? A part of me feels he deserves it. And now I realize that this comment applies to myself too-- maybe I don't have to be so bloody upright and honest every time.) 

The book ended abruptly (I guess that's the author's style) but sweetly. The book taught me that love is touching but it always changes your life in ways that you might not like. But because you love that person you'll deliver yourself into change anyway. Anyway this sounds cliche (I feel like I've heard it somewhere before) but this one describes it on a more personal level; something that I can understand better. So I shall tell myself now-- I don't need to hanker after love.

Okay my post morphed into a book review. Back to agenda.

Sometimes I feel contented being in the present-- yay! happy times!-- then when I'm faced with questions of what's going to happen next time I draw a blank. I think if I thought about the future more I might be more driven on my own, and I'll stop being a lump of flesh and move around more. But I rarely stick to plans, so why should I make them...? This is something to think about... reserved for a later post probably. Like... what do I want to work as? How much money do I want to make? What sort of adult life am I gearing up for? I don't really want to think about it actually. It's more delightful if I see my options from a broader view, rather than fixate on one goal.

Now for flashback-----

Now that I think about it, the year surprisingly started with me slacking in January and getting a job in February (Was it Feb?). I don't think it was a proper job experience but at least it killed my time. On hindsight I think I was babysat quite a bit in the office and everyone spoke to me kindly, like they would to a younger sister or a daughter. Cos I'm 19~

Then I worked till May, during which I started driving. Useless driving licence in my cupboard which might be useful in the future.

Holiday in June in Turkey. Yay. :) Meanwhile I fretted about university choices, which doesn't seem like a big deal now. I'm glad I stayed in Singapore. Though I don't know what life might have been overseas-- I might be happier, but since I don't know, I don't need to care. Glad I stayed in Singapore because... more comfortable and quite an eye-opener too, to mix with the general population more. I was quite a hermit in JC. Anyway, point being, overseas or not, I'm still living life and growing up. 

Orientation camps in July.

Crazy term from August to December. 

And my short-term goals remain: 

1. Higher GPA

2. Stay on in samba. Pride factor is at play as well... I don't wanna be wrong about joining it in the first place.

3. Remember what I've written and remember who I am.

Reading through my previous posts I feel like I've grown slightly older. Maybe because I'm the youngest in my family, I feel like people have been giving way to me all the time. I realize that most of the time I feel like I'm the one who is correct and others are in the wrong and it's only right that they acknowledge that they're wrong.

Well, not all the time anymore I guess

Some nice old song for you:

Welcome to reality. Pursuing one's passion seems to come at a price-- you need to at least try to mingle around with people who have the same interest as you even though you might not click with them. (Although I'm aware that it is not a must to mingle, but it's in my nature to at least poke around with people first.)
And then after some initial snide remarks with people who might not be at the same page as myself I tell myself that it's time to not be so sensitive, and it's time to be a person who lets seemingly snide remarks bounce off herself. There are such people who exist and others can make jokes out of them, and they laugh it off and sometimes laugh back at the other person. I admire such people-- they don't give a hoot about what other people say.
I still can't shake off the feeling that people hate lawyers. Only a few though; thankfully for this world not a lot of people are so narrow-minded.
But now I know that I don't need to shake off the feeling, I just need to let it bounce off me.
As poey mentioned a few days ago: in relationships, no one cares what difficulties or emotions you are having; people are only interested in what you can offer them (anything under the sun-- emotional support, money, specific skills, etc.). So no point moping about emotions and wearing a glum face. I just have to focus on what I want out of my life.
But I concede that mingling with people who don't click with you is taxing and possibly quite time-wasting.
Until today, I always thought that I could make friends with everyone-- friends as in trustworthy friends who can chat with you-- as long as I was friendly and smiley. But now I take that back. Friends are hard to come by. Everyone else is just a colleague, or an acquaintance.
I didn't go for the gathering today to meet up with friends and chat about everything under the sun. It was a gathering purely for business purposes-- to mingle and show my face, to show that I'm interested in the people who share the same interest as me. And I was definitely met with pleasant surprises-- spoke to cute people, nice people. So I'm not totally disillusioned.
Although the price of this party/gathering was, my mum didn't sleep till I came home at 12.30 am (and even so, when I left the place, the party was still going on). That's my uptight mum for you, but I can't and won't fault her because mums are just like that.

Helped my mum out yesterday and while doing stuff I poured out all the gossip and woes I had about school to her. Mum was a good listener. At the end of the day I felt quite depressed that all my woes had been laid out, and vaguely disoriented-- what am I doing in university? -Sigh-
Mum's advice was to ignore all these people and just focus on my studies. She said, just study everyday. On first hearing I thought, that would be a terrible life. But it was probably the way she phrased it. After a while I realized it made sense, because at night I felt my old self coming back to me-- so what if (some) people are horrible and life doesn't go the way I'd like it to? I'm still me and I'll go through life the way I want it to be. I need to stop being sensitive about what people think of me.
And on the other hand I need to stop having ideas about using people as a means to my own ends. e.g. there's a law senior in my cca whom I'm not close to, but I shouldn't make friends because I want notes. People make friends because... they make friends. I'll make my own notes.
Commenced reading for next semester today at 12 noon, after a while of burying my head in the sofa and in my pillow and telling myself that I should rest my brain before reading. Yeah right! -rolls eyes at self- But at least I've started. (And then now I'm distracted with my blog after about 20 minutes).

Sigh my mum just lectured me for not studying for such a long time and sleeping 11 hours last night and such. Dampened my mood. Oh well.... And another prof emailed us saying that we can go check the website now for the first week's readings. Okay, yes world, I recognize the signs! Signs that i should really be studying. (And not blogging)
Dislikes the word 'should'.
Checked my classlists for all my next sem's classes and recognized a lot of names. And a lot of names repeat for all 3 law classes. Boring... or maybe not!
Whee busking is fun!

So tired on both days of busking! Tired until cannot think. No stamina.
But it was great fun. The Lions won the football match, right? Their fans apparently contacted our cca president and asked us to join in their celebration so while the Lions drove into Orchard we played our rhythm for them while the fans danced around happily. I've never done this sort of thing in my life before and privately I couldn't believe what was happening, while on the outside I smiled and hit my drum :D The rain added on to the surrealism of the whole thing. Am I really playing my drum on Orchard Road in the rain with football fans jumping around me?
Cool beans!

After the Lions left an even larger crowd stayed behind to watch our last performance of the day. Felt good to have a crowd watching us play, all armed with cameras and phones to record our performance. :)

Now that busking is over I shall turn my focus to readings....

Aims for next year (i.e. next sem)
1. Higher gpa
and
2. Stay on in samba
Yes I will do that even if there are a thousand of person-mentioned-in-previous-post in the cca!
And make sure my skills are up to mark so that at the end of next year I'll get selected for the overseas trip, either in Coburg or in Brazil. Currently they are alright but I'm always one of the slowest to remember new rhythms. Apparently there is an audition for going overseas~

I'm not very used to myself being angry at somebody because it rarely happens, but I think I'm getting used to it, especially since I see this person everyday. Gosh I've never met such an irritating person before. Why does he have to be in a cca that I really like and in the same section on top of that. Being unused to being angry I've always been swallowing back my annoyance and lowering my sensitivity antenna and treating everything as a joke. But there comes a time when a line is crossed and I have to do something to show my anger. Well, what I did is, I typed in a passive-aggressive remark in our group chat in response to his nonsense comments. Quite anti-climactic-- I think you might have been expecting more e.g. I slapped him?

One reason I rarely get angry is because I'm afraid of hurting people and upsetting group dynamics. Another reason is that people usually get angry before I do and they retaliate first so I don't feel the need to do anything. But heck  the line is crossed already. It's even better if other people know I'm angry.

I do remember somebody retaliating to another of his nonsense comments a few months back in the same group convo. But she doesn't do it now because she's enjoying an overseas cip trip. I want her to come back soon.

Another thing that pisses me off is how he is so popular in the cca. He's just a huge flirt and has a loud voice that's why. No one sees his irritating side except us. And we are very tolerant people so he has had his way. Not anymore.

Sheesh I really had to get that off my mind, no matter how much I wanted to keep that in. On hindsight I actually think you all might cheer me on for finally getting angry cos I get angry so rarely it can seem abnormal.

Hmm. After being moody and complaining about the people who have offended me I've realized that I should put it all behind me and pledge my allegiance to my cca instead and not get so affected by the people. After all I joined it cos I thought I would like learning how to play a drum, and it turns out I really do. Yes, so I will enjoy myself tomorrow and Sunday performing.
At the open space outside Takashimaya. 1 pm, 3 pm , 4.30 pm. Hahaha.
And I'm not the only one-- many seniors probably also harbour the same feelings towards other people who do not quite suit their palate. (from my observation) But today I heard them play a song, and it was really good, which shows that soured relations should never affect a group performance.
Ohhhhhhh yeah! :D

By the way, that's the instrument I play. ;)

And I went out with my secondary school friends today. They made me laugh so hard.
To my family and friends, just by existing alone, you give me faith in humanity. Yay. Thanks for existing and being in my life.

Just finished prac. Section's angst level rising. My angst level is also rising. Was ranting about all the injustices to myself in my head on my way home and had a good mind to type it all down here, but after that I complained a little to poey and it shifted into perspective. Not a lot of injustices actually; there's a hokkien saying that says 'it amounts to nothing if you're not nit-picky'. If you want the actual pronunciation it's 'mai hiam buay pai'. (do you know what i'm typing...?)
Anyway now all I'll say is,
I really really respect those 2 who made me feel appreciated and not worthless during prac, through seemingly small actions and words, but which gave a huge boost to my morale. They truly deserve their exco position. And I truly wish that I was working with them. I'm fangirling them here and they won't know, but maybe I'll tell them next time cos the band does give them birthday cards which we all sign on. Lovesthem x infinity. I'll tell them I'm their fan and they are very much appreciated by people like me.
People are not respected for their ability but for their character. How very, very true.
This dude ended up with a badly bruised ego and I couldn't help but pat him on the shoulder cos I know how it feels. But no cure, I think he dislikes all of us. -shrugs-

Besides those 2 whom I just fangirled, there's also another girl in my group who makes me feel appreciated but I just didn't fangirl her here because she's made me feel appreciated since the dawn of time. In simple words, she's my good friend over there. :D

I just wanna take these people and clone them a thousand times over.

I sincerely hope that no one from prac reads this, but if any of them are reading this, I'll say this to them: please imagine this post never existed. Quite impossible that any of them have my URL but this is in case there are weirdos out there who try to see if I have a blog.

I'm so free nowadays, I let my mind wander. So I'll pen my thoughts down.
For the past few days I've been caught up with what the meaning of life is. So I googled it and read through what some philosophers have said about this topic, and realized that some of it are quite familiar from what I read in JC. But there were some new stuff, and I read through them.
At first I thought my belief tied in quite nicely with Absurdism, which highlights the irreconciliability between our search for the meaning of life and the meaninglessness of the universe i.e. how can one find meaning in a meaningless universe? Then I realized it's quite a despairing answer and it's quite hard for me to acknowledge that I live in a meaningless world.
And then I read on... and found something that I'm more comfortable with, something called secular humanism:  "It is based on the premises that the happiness of the individual person is inextricably linked to the well-being of all humanity, in part because humans are social animals who find meaning in personal relations and because cultural progress benefits everybody living in the culture.^[38][39]"
Yup, and after that I got too lazy to read on.
These few days I switch on the laptop with hopes to start reading in advance for next semester (as our profs have warned us to do...) but I always end up doing other stuff like blogging.
Tomorrow I'll be free in the late afternoon before samba, and I'll be outside. Maybe I'll try to read my stuff in an atas cafe like Starbucks so that I can feel like I'm on holiday rather than studying.

I haven't actually written about what I think of the past term. Now that I'm comfortably in my holidays, well-fed, well-watered, well-slept, and slightly fattened up, I shall write what I think of it.
1. It was tiring. I felt quite burnt out by the end of the term.
2. It was really fun at certain times. I found myself enjoying the tiredness sometimes, because every second of my time was occupied and I had no time to be bored (or even existential. Although right now I can safely say I've gotten out of my existential mood.)
3. I like the people. In law, in samba. Was quite anti-social in samba, come to think of it, but now I'm seeing more of them so it doesn't hurt.

My companion on the MRT yesterday said that at 19, it's natural for me to not know what I want to be (because I said that I don't know what kind of lawyer I want to be). I've never actually thought of myself as young, I've always thought of the past and felt old. I guess I'm still very much a kid who's blundering around in this world.
Which I agree with more now that I've thought about it. Kids don't have a care in the world, and I truly don't, because I don't have to worry about my income (that's provided for) or my kids (non-existent) or whatever else an adult would worry about. And adults do have a load of things to worry about, learning from my 3-hour experience at pro bono.

Tralala~

Read my brother's post and remembered that I read a few articles over the course of my first term. From them I've formed an impression of Singaporeans:
Utilitarian-- Definitely influenced by a government who embodies utilitarianism better than any other government in the world. I remember reading an article about the death penalty and caning as mandatory sentences-- we use a cannon to shoot a fly, because all we want to do is shoot down the fly and we don't give enough regard to others who can be harmed by that cannon. Nothing wrong with that for the rocky beginnings of our nation, but maybe now it's time for us to loosen up and re-assess our values?
We make all, if not most, choices using cost-benefit analysis. E.g. We tell our children to be doctors and lawyers because they earn the most money and the most prestige, we make our children do cip by making it compulsory for them to earn cip hours.
I'll remember these articles I've read and I'll try not to be like that.

A quote from the hobbit reflects my opinion entirely. This is what Thorin, while on his deathbed, told Bilbo:
"There is more in you of good than you know, child of the kindly West. Some courage and some wisdom, blended in measure. If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."

The dwarves have a weakness for gold bordering on obsession, and it does not seem to have brought them anything much other than a lot of battles.
Bilbo, my hero! A hero who also evokes my sympathy when I watch (in LOTR) how he gets slightly obsessed with the Ring he picked up in Gollum's cave.



Thinking about the ring...


But at least he seems happier here after he gave up the ring!

Shall do a narration of my life since wednesday.

Wednesday--

Went out with elsa and cheryl for lunch and chat. It was good to chat with old friends. 

Pro bono: interesting stuff but was kept busy with no time to talk to the lawyers.

Thursday--

Met with elsa (ha elsa again) and joey for lunch. A lazy day. It rained while we were eating so the atmosphere was really comfortable. (don't you love sitting indoors when it's raining)

Friday--

Watched The Hobbit. This movie deserves 10 stars. The Hobbit and LOTR movies are in a class of their own and no other movie I watch can beat them, really. 

There was eye candy: 

This is Kili, Fili's brother.

Sadly he died in the Battle of Five Armies.

More eye candy (a cute one this time):

The next-door man hobbit who turns out to be a hero.

Makes the average cinema-goer (actually I mean myself) wonder if there's an inner hero in themselves too. 

Now I can't stop listening to this:

During the fighting scenes, when the instrumental part of this song plays, the average cinema-goer (I mean myself) will get really excited.

Brother caught the flu. Unfortunate, because this is one of his rare breaks (4 days). Had soup for lunch hoping that it would make his nose feel better (but it didn't).

Went for samba in the afternoon and dinner with samba people after. Got really full after eating the chicken pita, and munched through the sides (macaroni cheese and coleslaw) reluctantly; didn't finish in the end. Was surrounded by seniors whom I haven't really talked to (actually I haven't talked to a lot of people) so I was quite quiet compared to last week's dinner. I discovered that one of the questions I'm really uncomfortable with is 'what school are you from'/'what course do you study'. A senior asked me that today (this is the first time I actually sat down to a meal with him and other people), and I arranged my features to form a blank face before saying 'Law'. Unfortunately he did not hear me and said 'what?', and I responded to him with narrowed eyes and a wrinkled nose before repeating myself. Was trying to figure out a way to say a different type of school without saying law (i.e. maybe say hwach) but realised it didn't make sense. The poor guy looked sheepish and shifted in his seat and I realized my discomfort must have shown. If you know me well enough, I guess you'll know that I can be rather sensitive about people judging me with regard to academics. Past experiences tell me that it happens.

The seniors (guys) started reminiscing about a certain person who quit the cca (their batchmate) and said that she was probably the reason that kept them going in cca. My interest was piqued. One of them offered more information and said that she's got one of the best legs around. You can guess my response-- I started judging him immediately. Another guy (the same poor guy who looked sheepish a while ago) noticed my narrowed eyes and tried to salvage his friend's predicament by saying that he's just honest, to which I felt sheepish in return and agreed. But his friend was not listening; he was staring into space, probably reminiscing more... ^_^

Took the train with a JD law student (jurisdoctor; i.e. person-who-takes-law-as-a-2nd-degree). And yes, she's in samba! *clapclap* Increased respect. She's quiet in CCA but really chatty on the train. She's nice. She's my brother's age and talking to her felt (momentarily) like talking to an elder sister. ^_^

All in all, an entertaining day.

My new motto in life is not to take things so seriously and laugh at everything including myself. (except when the situation is particularly grievous or tragic and calls for a solemn mood; touch wood.)

When I got home my mum reminded me again that I shouldn't start watching a new drama (since I've wasted days to watch dong yi), but I wish she wouldn't because hearing people talk about dramas makes me want to watch more. e.g. Suits. Is it really good? It seems so because everyone who watches it talks about it with a twinkle in their eye. Like how I talk about The Hobbit with many twinkles in my eyes. Bleh I'm a bit off. IT'S 2 AM.

Not the kpop band.

I wanna meet up with more people but it seems like my schedule next week is packed. I think my schedule next next week is not packed though, that's good.

I think at some point we all ask ourselves what the purpose of our existence is. I know I've asked myself this question quite a lot of times but I've never taken it seriously-- usually my next thought would be, to make friends, to do decently in exams, etc. But today I asked myself this question again and somehow today I took it so seriously that I felt a great melancholy in  me. I think this strange mood can be partly attributed to suddenly recalling what I heard a few people say before, "If it's your time to go, then it's time to go" meaning you really can't control the length of your life. I was suddenly afraid at what would happen if -bam and touch wood- my life was going to end in a matter of days. Touch wood again. So yes, today in the middle of Orchard Road while waiting for my friends I suddenly felt sad and afraid.
So I turned to my confidante, Google, and found this:
http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-with-an-Existential-Crisis
Which was very useful and after thinking things through again I felt much happier.
To add on to the existentialist theme of today, I continued my reading of this book called the Unbearable Lightness of Being which is, according to the back of the book, an 'existential book'. I read a few pages and there are a few things which I fully agree with-- since we only live one life, what is the point of living it? It totally reflects what insecurity we might all feel at some point in time. We don't know how to live this life we're in because we have no other lives we can compare it with. And another one-- humans all feel like we are part of a huge game in which the rules aren't always in our favour. I agree with this 2nd one although I'm a bit uncomfortable with it because it brings to mind the siege mentality. But between that sentence and the siege mentality there is still a dividing line. The siege mentality reeks of paranoia but that sentence I quoted does not.
Anyway, to my friends who feel existential after reading this post, fret not, live with that insecurity, think it through and find your own way to make the best out of it.

What I've been doing during my holiday:
Watching Dong Yi, going out (a few times only), reading (a bit only). Dong Yi has taken up a lot of my time. Need to finish it asap!

Felt peaceful as a cat when I reached home today and curled up on the sofa watching TV without feeling guilty.
And then now I sit down and I feel an emptiness inside me because idk what to do now that I have so much time. D:
Strange world I live in, strange me...
At least I have one thing to do for now-- read Cloud Atlas!
Plans for a 3.5 week holiday:
1. get in touch with myself-- have I changed, what has 4 months of smu turned me into?
2. spend time with mum because I didn't see her much during school time
3. watch the hobbit with bro. a date with my bro!
4. go out with my friends and talk over a meal :) and shop.
5. read cloud atlas. finally, my first fiction book in 4 months
6. buy next term's books and start on next term's readings (not a priority...)
7. attend samba practices
8. clc session on 12 dec
9. neaten my room
Hmm. Nothing much else. Why's the list so short! But I guess it's enough.


There's so many wars we fought
There's so many things we're not
But with what we have, I promise you that
We're marching on

Maybe I'll get their album in 2013. :D

2nd last exam just over! 24 hours to liberty! And then I'll emerge from my hermit-like existence and greet the world good morning.
I feel like sleeping right now but no. Discipline is the word of the day.
Grades
Are
Forever

Heheh. He says I should be studying. Okay sure no problem. :D That's Ryan Tedder btw.
TODAY SHALL BE A DAY OF PRODUCTIVE REVISION.

Alternating between sian-ness and anxiety to study. Haha... press on, press on... 3 more days...
Feeling good today on the whole though cos I went for dinner with my family (one of our rare dinners together). :)
Got a rude awakening... about the realities of life and the frailty of human relationships. Meh. But it doesn't affect me much, not now at least.

Heard this on the radio a while back and thought it was not bad.
Then I realized it features Ryan Tedder! So now this is one of my favourite songs. Hahahah.



 Just a right mix of rap and his tenor voice. :D Lyrics are bit gloomy though (give me scars, give me pain?), but they could be inspiring too I guess (there goes a fighter~).

Acknowledge your dark side, and if there's a dark side, there is a bright side as well, so treasure that part of yourself. Once you do that you can acknowledge that everyone around you has a dark side and a bright side too and perhaps you'll appreciate life more. And remember to pay more attention to your bright side than your dark side.
Quoted from yours truly. I think it's a side effect of revision. I said that because we usually beat ourselves up over things we did that we, on hindsight, don't approve of. But this dark side makes us human, so we shouldn't wrap it up and stuff it in our closet. We should wear it on our sleeves, to remind ourselves, and remind others who we really are.
Gosh I'm thinking of what a certain Lord Atkin said:
Personally, I do not understand the difference between a thing dangerous in itself, as poison, and a thing not dangerous as a class, but by negligent construction dangerous as a particular thing. The latter, if anything, seems the more dangerous of the two; it is a wolf in sheep's clothing rather than an obvious wolf." 
Yup, let's not be dangerous by negligent construction of our own characters, let's be obvious wolves.
o________o
There, a song to go with what I said.


I have about 4 youtube tabs open when I'm studying....

Some relationships are like soda.
Their flavour explodes in your mouth
But fizzle out after a second or two.
Others are like wine.
They get more pungent
(and more valuable) with age.
It doesn't matter what sort of drink you take
As long as you like drinking.
But we all have a preference for wine, don't we?

Enjoying the simple joys in life in my room after a contract law exam:
1) searching for covers of pop music done in cello
2) reading my brother's blog
3) mum playing ipad games on the sofa

the cello is such a lovely instrument
can i marry a cello

My 2nd paper is over. Strangely but nicely I've felt quite at peace with myself after both of the papers I've had so far, with only minor grouses. I really hope they turn out to be minor things. But that's how it is with essay papers-- you always feel like you wrote okay stuff, but whether they are okay or not will just be up to the prof. It's not like math or science with only 1 answer. And another thing-- I've stopped discussing papers with friends. But there's nothing much to discuss anyway because they are essays.

After my exam I went to print the Penal Code which is really thick. Spent 12 bucks on it, and then realized that I'll be chucking it aside once my criminal law exam is over next week. -.- 

Went for lunch with a group of friends, which was quite a nice break amid all the mugging. 

Staying in school now with a chewy (hahaaa) because I feel like I've been home too much-- need to get some exposure to some sunlight. But there is not much sunlight here! 

Urgh.

Been playing onerepublic songs on youtube all the time. :) Looking forward to their next album in early 2013.

Have you ever felt a bit odd about yourself after you've said something? E.g. after saying something without giving any thought to it, you realize something about yourself, subconsciously. Anyway today I said that I won't get to know all the people in law school even after 4 years because I'll just bid for modules with friends. (if we can manage the time and the e-dollars, and if there are friends who want to do that.)

Hmm anyway what I realized is, I'm quite an anti-social person. 

Sigh why am I judging myself. 

I realize I judge myself the most when I've been doing revision for a long time. A friend of mine calls it an existential crisis (on her facebook) -- and no, I didn't speak to her about this. We seem to be having existential crises at the same time.
If I get an existential crisis every time I have my exams, I'll be having 2 of them a year until I graduate from law school.
-ahhhhhputsheadontableandwondersaboutlife-

It feels a bit like something is being let loose in me. I'm getting distracted by YouTube because I'm playing all my favourite songs and singing along to them. Mini-karaoke session all by myself. :)
It must be the exams. :(

Don't ask me to sing, I only sing when I'm alone. Hahah. Or at a karaoke session in a karaoke place.

I learnt a new word today. Timorous.

SO MUCH AWESOMENESS, ONEREPUBLIC.



SO. MUCH. AWESOMENESS.
cello, keyboard, drums, voice (the lead and the bg vocals). the things that caught my eye the most. and the xylophone was interesting too.

Why am I doing this to myself... Why am I not studying contract...

I have a new idol, Ryan Tedder of Onerepublic! He writes so many songs and he can play the piano so well :D I can't think of a more graceful way to put this but I guess it's very hard for a fangirl to sound graceful.

Feeling kinda bored now, which is odd because my exam starts tomorrow-- I should be burying my head in papers instead! And I woke at 11 today. It's like I'm on holiday. Or maybe this is the calm before the storm, because I foresee that next week will be a whirlwind of revision for the subjects that I haven't really been revising...

The usual people online who I usually talk to aren't online... Either they are still sleeping or they've gone into intense-revision-mode. I suspect it's the latter. Now I'm left hobo-ing online alone...

Time

to

start

revising

.....

hours later: i have reached near max capacity and i cant studyy anymoarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr i need to go do a few somersaults (as if i can) and dance on the roof! RARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

5 days of revision and I'm itching to get back to my life! What's in my life anyway? I expect after exams I'll start going for samba and going out with friends and slacking at home and reading storybooks that I never knew existed but want to read. 

And watching The Hobbit!

I was reading Robert Pattinson's interview in the Life paper today and found myself agreeing fully with him. (of all people!) He says that he spent 4 years working so hard on the movie that he feels like he's stuck at 22. (I suppose he's 26 now? Old.) In some ways, I feel like that too. I must have mentioned this somewhere in my blog before, but I'll say it again, that I feel that I was so focused on doing homework and studying that I wasn't really living life.I kind of regret it but there's no point regretting such things. I could have been friendlier and probably forged closer bonds with my classmates. In JC. Then again I was being very fixated with A levels as everyone seemed to be telling me to be.
Oh well, I'm glad I realized this the moment I stepped out of JC. Another thing in JC which was hovering about me everyday was the consciousness that there were boys in my immediate surroundings. Yes, I'll admit it now. Haha. It's takes a lot of time to get used to that fact, for someone who comes out of a girls' school. I think I only got used to that fact in year 2.
So, exam pressure + being awkward around guys = awkward silent me.
Right now I still don't feel 19. At 19 you read about some people setting up their own business and whatnot. For me I still don't know what I want to do in life. Probably be a lawyer. And then? Am I going to stay a lawyer or am I going to pursue something else? I'm not focusing very much on what's beyond law school now. I remember a friend of mine asking me if I was excited at the thought of becoming a lawyer, and this is the reply I gave, 'I don't know, I'll focus on law school first'. Anyway, I think my mental age is about 16 or 17 right now. I guess this is what my aunt means when she insists that I have childish eyes, and you know what they say, that eyes are the windows to one's soul.
On the other hand though, my uncle says I have fierce eyes that I can use to stare down my opponent in a debate.
*shrugs* back to studying. For my exams. Which start in 5 days.

Interesting read ; my brother read this too. I doubt I'll ever come to a conclusion about myself regarding this issue. At least not in the near future.
To make you interested in clicking the link, here's a quote from the article:

Take dinner parties. There comes a moment, and that question: "Why don't you have a partner?"

It is usually asked by one of a couple, with always a swivel of the eye to his or her other half, so really two people are asking this question.

And I struggle to answer: "I have never found the right person... I am a sad and sorry manchild... I am incapable of love... I am a deviant, and prefer giraffes."

Now read the rest HERE (click)

Anyway I get the feeling I'm to young to be bothering about this. Maybe I'll start thinking about this 5 years later. For now, this article can be a looking glass to a possible future.

I need to write things down or else I'll never be able to concentrate on my work. I keep thinking about life when I should be thinking about my work!

Anyway today was relatively one of the better school days because I finally felt that I had the opportunity to talk to a lot of people in my class (finally, after 13 weeks). And it's actually only about half the class.

But it's also quite sad because this is the last week of school and after this we are probably not going to see each other until next year, and even in next year's classes we will not see each other because we have all been shuffled into different classes. And the profs. I won't see the profs next term. Sigh, such is life.

But it's okay because I read this somewhere (it was actually somebody's status and I found it very apt for today):

To see the world in a grain of sand

And a heaven in a wildflower

Hold infinity in the palm of your hand

And eternity in an hour.

It's the last line I want to highlight-- even though we might have known each other for such a short time, these memories will stay with me for a long time :) (not eternity but at least for a substantial time).

The same goes to all my friends from before university :3 Even though we might be doing different things in different places now, I'm sure we all look back and reflect during random moments in our current lives, about each other and what we did to each other, good or bad. 

Yayy. This is one of the moments of my existence when I feel happy and fortunate and whatnot.

Mega screwed cos I took a look at my exam timetable and realized that my first exam is about 2 weeks later. Omg. I don't clearly know what I've been learning in that module. Cos... of the nature of subject itself, which is very broad. :(
MEGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I was listening to kiss92 (as usual) and I heard this song -- Every Breath You Take. At first I thought the melody was really soothing and I thought it was a nice song about love. But lo and behold something caught my ear and I realized the lyrics are quite disturbing. It sounds like it can be sung by someone suffering from morbid jealousy. D:
Today I learnt that I should be less harsh in judging people. People-- or at least reasonable people-- always try their reasonably best and don't screw up unless they have to, and reasonable people always want to be nice unless they can't due to some external reason. Some concession should be given to everyone, including me to myself, because if I'm less harsh with myself, I'll probably be less harsh with others too.
By concession I don't mean compromising on my beliefs, but rather controlling what I say.
A few years ago, I had this belief that I could be 100% nice and that I was probably the nicest of the whole of humanity, but now I don't think so anymore. Everyone is different and it is impossible to reconcile such differences sometimes, so the concept of 'nice' was severely overrated, by me.
I think the tone of my post is a bit off-key today, but it's probably because these few days I'm feeling a bit jaded.
(jaded is a cheem word for sian)
But I feel happy talking to friends :) E.g. today I had lunch with some friends (actually I was more of a crasher but I didn't really feel that way) and talking helped to lift the grey fog swirling about my head. :)

Super bored while doing my assignment so...
http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/perseverance?auto_login_attempted=true
I went to browse through this. :)
And now I'm glad to say I'm done with the assignment that cost me so much time (and is only a 0.5 unit module when usually other modules are 1 unit). Yay!
I think my bgs prof is really good though. pokes classmate who has him as prof next term. He shares interesting articles with us which are sometimes more interesting to read than my other law stuff. Not being rebellious, but we all need a break from academics sometimes.
Feeling stressed and kinda guilty at rejecting so many outings from friends. Sorry. :( But finals are 2 weeks away and I'm standing neck-high in revision. Not saying that you all are freer than I am, but I just can't focus if I go out with a pile of work left behind me.

Can't help being judged, can't help being rated. All I can do is maintain this bubble of composure in me, that reminds me that I have done what I would always have done and I've tried my best.
People definitely judge others when communicating; it's only through judging that people exchange ideas, start admiring other people, and start making friends (and enemies, but that's not my point).
So, don't take it too personally.

I'm typing this because sometimes I feel horrible when I think about grades and bell curves. The thought of myself competing with my friends and being jealous or critical of them really scares me. I've gone through such experiences before and I don't want to go through them again. I want to be myself.

That's why I really disliked it when this dude in my cca looked so agitated when our section didn't play together (i.e. rhythm not together, a bit scattered. Emphasis: a bit scattered only). Relax, we are there to enjoy ourselves, really. Standards will only go up with more practice so there's no point getting agitated. Of course he redeemed himself after that by becoming slightly more normal. But, damage done. And damage was worse because cca is definitely a place to relax, not a place to pick out bad points and get agitated over them. Conversely, if somebody gets agitated during class I'd understand better.

Sigh I'm feeling irritable today.

“Angst is not the human condition, it’s the purgatory between what we have and what we want but can’t get.” 
― Miguel Syjuco, Ilustrado

Honestly, being in samba teaches me more than new rhythms and how to hit a dhol (an Indian drum). It teaches me how to relax and I realize that I play the best when I'm relaxed. :)
I started today's samba session feeling sian which is my usual mood these days, what with thoughts of silly ct assignments and a mountain-load of revision to do... then after a while I felt more relaxed, and by the time we ended the session I was feeling cheerful.
Sadly, today is the last samba session because we're supposed to study for our exams.
But I'll remember what I've learnt from samba which is to relax, even when it comes to revision and exams. Relax but still do my work!
- Level of well-being increased-

I:
Need to stop feeling bored so easily
Need to be more efficient
Need to stop being distracted
Need more time
Need to stay back in school tomorrow night for some meeting but that's okay if it turns out productive, which  should be the case because my group is kinda efficient
Need to study
Need to study
Need to study
Need to study
Need to chill a bit because there's 3 weeks left and...3 weeks should be enough. Even if it's not enough I will do the best I can do within these 3 weeks
Need to do silly assignments for ct
Need to have more patience doing ct
Need to go bathe now
Need the study break to start from today so I don't have to go to school next week

Need more nice songs like this, that I can't get enough of. :D


Need to watch a movie
Need to buy more clothes

Sigh okay I'm in quite a foul mood now. Not very foul, just 50% foul.
But on a bright note I found out that I have a passion for gossip. :D
I told my mum about my passion and she said that I'm immature and innocent, but she was very amused by it. All is well because I had a lot of fun relating to her my passions as well. :D
Just speaking about my passion lifts my mood. I can't believe myself. -_-
Though I kinda agree with my mum that I'm immature. Sometimes I sense that my energy level is way up there but other people's energy levels are about half of mine and I get this floaty surreal sensation, i.e. is there something wrong? :( Maybe I'm not growing up fast enough. :(
This is the time when I start to miss my lower secondary school days when we were all hyper together. Upper secondary was a bit like the start of the dark moody teenage years for me so I don't recall that period with a lot of fondness. JC was the end of my dark moody teenage years so I don't really treasure that period either. Now I feel like I'm back to my childhood but everyone else is so adult-like. Oh well. Maybe I'm doing a Benjamin Button.
DO YOUR WORK, MARSHA, STOP CHATTERING. #sigh. Okay, conscience.

Here's the time of the term when I say
OH NO I CAN'T FINISH MY WORK AND IT'S STILL PILING UP

Sigh. Backlog's been living with me for about a week and it's not getting smaller. I'm kinda used to its presence now but I'm not enjoying its company because it's like a little stone on my mind that I carry around all day and all night.
Note of encouragement to self: just start clearing the backlog and it should get smaller soon.

Nice song to listen to in the morning

In the process of clearing backlog... 

One thing I find quote-worthy is somebody's status which says 'I don't quit when I'm tired, I quit when I'm done'. Yes! That's the spirit. I'll only go to sleep tonight when I find that I've finished a substantial bit of my readings. Which is really quite a lot.

Sometimes I say something to my mum knowing full well that it has quite a loaded meaning. Then the next time I say something related to that subject, she gives me a loaded look. I don't know if we're thinking of the same thing actually, but this feeling is quite cool. :)

Another quote I find really quite beautiful (also someone's status)--

"When I say I love you, it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love who you are, what you do, and how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what and who you are." 

And this is apparently quoted from a Joss Whedon who is apparently an American who produces films.

I keep thinking of the Sir Bennie at the Basement Cafe at school. Sir Bennie is poached eggs on ham/salmon on some bread. It's good.

I need to go back to reading my casebook.

Super excited yesterday while checking my timetable and comparing it with friends. Alternating between playing the drum and checking my phone for the last half hour. Hahaha.
But now I'm kinda sad cos so few of my friends are in my classes. :( On the bright side I do know 2 people with the same timetable as me. Or more. Because I remember chatting with sbd and she said I have the same timetable as her and a bunch of other people she listed. Okay, not bad, time to make new friends!
Now I'm looking forward to year 2 when we can bid for our own modules!!
Sigh pie.
Nothing I can do about this so... I'll START STUDYING.

teheh. today was a fun day. we spent our time gossiping in the gsr (group study room) after studying for a while. needless to say, when we started gossiping we forgot all about our textbooks and casebooks. then after that we went for a talk about psychiatry and its role in criminal law... interesting right! the speaker said some overseas unis have this course in criminology for lawyers but we don't have it. :( yet.
but i was quite distracted during the talk too haha.
now that all my presentations are over (except for 1), i should really start looking at clearing my backlog. yes... backlog...
a song to lighten the mood:

Yay! All my presentations are over (except for the creative thinking presentation but I don't really count that).
Surprisingly for contract law presentation people said we did a good job. :))) I thought the process (meeting up, discussing) seemed too smooth-sailing to be true actually. I shall take their word for it and consider it a good job.
Anyway by my standards I think my group did quite well.
:D
We did get asked some tough questions but... we could answer some of them at least.
And then today for samba the instructor said our section was the best :D guess we remembered all the rhythms and played well together. Yay!
Yup anyway this post is a narcissistic one for me to flaunt my cheerfulness.
Note to self: tomorrow I'll start to work on clearing my reading backlog. D: D:
So tired that I'm stoning subconsciously.

Another thing I learnt today: why be stressed when you can be relaxed?
Stress never helps.
Thinking in calm state of mind will help.

I get this feeling that I'm entering a system and being subject to its rules and its norms, yet again. I've never had this feeling this clearly... although I did have an inkling of it in JC when I did nothing but study for A's and go for CCA (which was actually fun). Now I feel like I'm more aware of the school's systems and how much of my life it is taking over. In fact right now my life is my school! Except for the very rare meetings with friends from outside SMU (who else but my sec sch friends?).
For example, today was a public holiday but I spent the whole day in school! Or does this point to a despicable sense of self-entitlement in myself? i.e. I feel like I'm entitled to holidays. I shouldn't even be complaining about this because I'm a student and students are supposed to be dedicated to their studies. Hmm.
And I wonder what people would be like if I knew them outside of this system. Certainly outside the system everyone would behave differently and be much more of themselves, maybe. But it is never possible to be outside of a system no matter where one goes so there's no point having this hypothetical situation anyway. In fact we can't be who we are without the systems that control and influence our behaviour.
Thinking of the Hunger Games plot now. \casts significant look\
But I wouldn't like to view all this work in a negative way even though I am feeling rather tired right now. After all it doesn't help to get stressed/depressed/emotional.
Yeah.
Something that has hit home time and time again over the past few weeks is that I must always remember to be myself; to never forget who I am, what I like, and how I like to do things. It's very easy to get lost in a whirlwind of deadlines and expectations and try to conform to standards and norms, and that's when I start to get emotional and depressed. And it always feels better when I realize that, hey, I have control over what I can do and cannot do.
It is sometimes quite a lonely feeling to know that I'm the only one who knows who I really am, what I really like, and how I really like to do things. But no choice about that. I'm quite sure anyone out there has this little impenetrable bubble of self that only he can look into, that no one else can have access to. And it is this very bubble of self that preserves my sanity, my sense of purpose and my basic level of happiness.
This is all rather angsty talk but I'm not speaking of the day's events, but rather school life as a whole.
Today was just a tiring day. I almost fell asleep in my 2nd project meeting (when we were having our presentation dry run) and my group members were giving me strange looks. Luckily they started discussing stuff after that and I returned to Earth.

I read through my previous post and now I realize how much my mood fluctuates. Right now I'm feeling a little burnt out... there's 3 project presentations to prepare for and some readings to catch up with but I can't really bring myself to start for some reason.

:((

Oh well, no point stoning and feeling sian. Better start on something at least.

And then next tuesday I will look back and feel glad that I at least did my best to prepare for stuffs.
I think I need to get rid of the very burdensome impression that because I'm a law student I have a lot of work to do. I think a lot of other people are very busy too (as facebook reports). 

Googled motivational pictures for studying and so I'll share some relevant ones with you:

Okay, action.

Feeling unbelievably optimistic about school life now. There's a lot of work awaiting but I'm not very bothered by it. I wonder if this is a good thing? And later I'm still going out to celebrate my brother's birthday (in advance).
I know why I'm feeling so optimistic now. Cos I'm listening to kiss92 with all it's lovely songs! :D I feel like meeting up with friends and talking now. Oh well, time to start work and stop day-dreaming~

Am currently spending a rather fruitless time thinking of ideas for my creative thinking assignment.
-_-

I really don't regret joining samba. On monday I was feeling like a zombie and feeling quite desperate about my workload and moody because I was sleepy. On tuesday I was vaguely moody too but things just got better as the day went by. (Contract law) Lesson was interesting because the prof was jovial (what a lovely lady), then creative thinking class was not bad either (albeit a bit tense in my group), and then the highlight was samba prac!
Samba prac really made me feel human again. Now I think of my workload (which has kind of grown since Monday) and think it's really possible to finish it. (and all I have to sacrifice is some sleep).
Granted, there's an irritating guy in my section, but all that matters is me and my drum and the rest of the band. :D :D

Shouldn't be blogging cos I'm chionging my readings (oops! but the seniors apparently say it's impossible to finish readings. this is not to be heeded though cos i'll have to finish them anyway before the exams). But I need to express something which I actually wanted to say in a chat with a friend last night/wee hours of this morning but was too sleepy to be bothered to.
Everyone in uni is so grown up! Expressions of stress and sleepiness-- e.g. whining, purposeful blurness, etc (whatever you might do when you're stressed and sleepy) seem to be non-existent and I seem to be the only one doing it at times. I can't help worrying what some of my groupmates think of me. Do they think I'm childish? I hope not :(
Purposeful blurness-- this is something quite unique to me I suppose. I really act blur at times. Not being really blur. ;)
*Needs to grow up more.
---
Crap. In this whirlwind of chionging readings for a lesson about 2 hours later, I feel really anxious. I can actually feel my BP rising.
But there's a voice of reason telling me (no I'm not schizo) that I should have learnt a lesson from my schooling years by now-- never learn because of fear. Fear that I will not keep up, fear that maybe the prof will call my name and ask me a question about a case (actually my prof never did that. Except for once, but maybe that was cos I was looking a bit sleepy). I should learn because I really want to find out things by myself. Given the limited amount of time, well... I should still stick to this principle to preserve my sanity, my sense of self. I will catch up by end of this week. Forget about being well-prepared for 2 hours later.
By rushing I can't remember all the questions I asked myself and the answers I wanted to find out for myself, which defeats the point of reading anyway.

I have this half-wish that I was young again (primary school) so that I could make all the mistakes I never made.

It's always like that... you reach a certain point, look back and wonder why you were ever so cautious!

Ohh my first ever presentation this coming wednesday! Donno why I'm so nervous/excited about it -___- I hope I appear sane in front of the class on wednesday. I'll be glad when it's over. Then I'll think about the triple whammy in week 11 (2 presentations on monday, 1 on tuesday). On week 11 tuesday I will CELEBRATE.

Sigh. All the work's piling up and it doesn't seem like the workload's going to go away; conversely it looks like it's going to continue piling up until... week 12 (now it's week 9) and then my final exams will be week 14/15. And what's horrible is that in week 11 I'm gonna have 3 presentations! 2 on Monday, 1 on Tuesday. Unless I manage to get a swap. I think I'm going to enjoy week 11, in a rather sadistic manner.
Wow...
This is madness!
I seriously need 48 hours in a day. Especially today when I'm trying to finish my work.
Argh...
I feel so immobilized today. Don't feel like doing anything.
On the bright side though, I remember a senior saying that stress never helps. So right now I should be working on being zen. Which is why I'm listening to Kiss 92 FM and blogging.
Seriously whoever said university life was the most fun period in their lives never studied here. It gave me the impression that university life was going to be all fun and freedom.
But to be fair, I really am having fun here. Together with a hell lot of work.
What's fun in university are the people I hang around with, and the CCA I'm in. Granted, I don't know a lot of people in my CCA and I stick with my section mostly. Because otherwise I don't really have anything to say to other people except, hi. But in a CCA you don't primarily enjoy the company of the people, you enjoy the activity!
BURNNNNNNNNNNNNN

This is recess week but there seems to be more work than usual. Added together with my 2 days of camp for samba masala and it seems like an impossible task to finish the revision and homework I aimed to finish initially. It is impossible actually. Gosh. Just this morning I overslept and awoke muttering a swear word. -_- Arrived at a project meeting about 55 mins late. (55 mins looks better than 1 hour) Thankfully my group was nice about it and brushed my boo-boo off.

At the 2nd project meeting for today we started joking and asking each other what we were doing at law school since there were easier options out there to earn money. But jokes aside there isn't much point in asking this question and the only thing we can do is to make the best out of what we have here.

My group member decided to be evil and rattled off a list of work left to finish for this recess week. At the end of the list he looked at me and said I looked quite like a wild deer getting chased by a hunter. -.- Lost and desperate. Argh. Then he gave an evil laugh. -.-

Step by step... I will finish a substantial amount of work by this Sunday night. 

Actually the work we get is really manageable... the only problem is that it comes in cargo-ship-loads.
---
Finished a rather substantial bit of my lslma ppt. Now for a bedtime song and some self-congratulation.
Congratulations to myself for staying awake ^_^
Finally by Fergie. No idea what the lyrics are saying (not listening) but the tune is lovely.

YAY here comes recess week. I've been wanting a break ever since... 2 weeks ago.
Or rather, study break. Everyone around me says they are gonna spend everyday revising. Hardcore... But that's what I'm gonna do too. With the exception of Monday and Tuesday which will be totally spent on samba camp -___- It's a 2d2n camp. Kinda unwilling to go knowing that so many of my peers will be diligently revising but... it's a compulsory camp and I suppose it is possible for me to create time for myself.
Argh. Right now I'm feeling kinda sleepy and not inclined to do work. Poofs.

A lot of things to do but I still feel like writing something! I think it's something to do with expectations...I'm half expecting myself to not finish, and half expecting myself to finish but sleep very late. So here I am.

I guess in these past few weeks I've felt the most 'myself', if myself can be used as an adjective. If I compare my current self to maybe JC, I think the JC self was not very self-aware. But now something feels different, I really know what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing when I talk to my friends, I know what I'm doing when I decide to join a CCA, I know what I'm doing when I decide to ignore my alarm clock and sleep in. Little things like that. And I know what I'm doing when I decide to slack off for a few minutes like now. Haha. And I realize how clearly my emotions show on my face, and how clearly I can read my friends' expressions. Never used to take much notice of faces. But social cues seem much more obvious now.

Okay, back to work. I really want a time bank. I want to use all the time I wasted in my 8 month holiday right now!

T'was a rather interesting day. Met my group for a lunch which consisted of a rather illuminating chat about the future i.e. working life and whether we wanted to be lawyers next time. And then talked about money-making. Which I'm not well-versed in so I just listened in fascination.

Then after that we started work, which turned out to be... rather mind-boggling. I swear guys who are 2 years older are smarter. Oh well this imbalance will even out in future. 

Then online chat with... friends. :) Which makes the summary I'm writing right now much more bearable.

Feeling a bit queasy after reading a number of violent murder cases.

Sigh...

Best thing to do now is recall what my professor said to us last time, to distance ourselves from the violence and look at it academically.
Another good thing to do is listen to chill music on 8tracks. ^^

The Neverending Playlist from connienoelle on 8tracks Radio.

Today was a fulfilling day. :) Went for samba training, then dinner.
Choosing only 2 out of good grades, a social life and sleep-- of course I'll choose good grades and a social life. But I'm not very successful at it so far since I tend to switch off my alarm and go back to sleep! Ack. Need to change my habits.
I do see really hardworking people around. They study right before the lecture! When everyone else is just sitting around and chatting, waiting to go into the room, they'll be sitting on the benches making notes. Hmmm. Maybe they're chionging readings, but it still shows their muggerhood.
Bye I'm gonna study.
I don't regret joining samba. :) I wanna stay on for the next 2 years and go to Germany to tour with them yay!

How's uni life so far? A lot more people, a lot less friends. The atmosphere is kinda serious and boring. People definitely seem friendly but meh, I really want everyone including myself to loosen up a bit. But I guess it's a bit hard when readings occupy so much of our time. Objectively speaking I don't think we're the only people with so many readings. I think (for e.g.) social science people also have lots to read. I don't think law people have that special status of having the most work to do. And another thing-- there's lots of people in the library every time I go there, which is not everyday. Gosh, what a culture. Or maybe it's not the culture, it's just that we only have one tiny library.

I don't regret joining samba. If I'd rejected it I guess I'd be feeling really miserable now, with only the next lesson to look forward to. At least now I have friday to look forward to (that's cca day). And at least this friday i'll be meeting my friends. ^_^

I think it will be fun to have a regular study group but I don't have a clique of friends. Cos everyone just has different classes and it's hard to coordinate.

Oh, what a bother!

On a brighter note, the prof was really entertaining during the lesson today and that brightened up the proceedings considerably. 

Actually the content of what I'm studying is interesting. 

What's not so interesting in here is... probably how fast time passes.

Decided to join Samba anyway. It's not a dance cca which everyone seems to think on first hearing! It's actually a percussion group. When my mum found out I'd decided to join anyway, she fixed me with beady eyes and told me that I'd better not let it affect my grades. Well of course not.
Because the commitment to this cca is rather heavy-- 6 hours a week. Okay enough said.
Was so tired yesterday! Woke up at 8, left the house, reached home at 11. Still having a bit of fogginess in my head.
On another note, I think my profs are nice.
:D

Felt like this dog today after lesson, even though it's not Monday today.

Because there's so many things to read, I was at a loss as to where to start! But after a refreshing nap on the sofa I decided that if even a mountain can be moved then I can also clear my mountain of readings by reading now. I just have to start somewhere.

^^

Think I need to loosen up a little.

Here's some Edward Reid, a recently discovered fave of mine! There's not enough of him on YouTube!

There's something I brought with me from my secondary school and JC years that makes me afraid to be alone in school. Back in those schools I was always one of those who stuck with a friend or group of friends, because being alone to me was humiliating. And I didn't know what to do with myself anyway, if I were alone.
But now it's more difficult to stick around with friends when they all have different timetables; and for new friends with common break times, they always seem to have somewhere else to go. Maybe now it's because I know so few people with the same breaks as me. Anyway, my point is, it's quite peaceful to be alone in school now because I have my music (Keane!) to accompany me, and very few people walking around the corridors (bet everyone's mugging in the library as is the school culture).
It's nice to take a break like this in between class and allow my brain to revive a little and my neck to straighten a little.

Reminders to myself:

1) Don't be too judgemental of myself and of others

2) Don't think so much (except when reading law materials)

3) Find other modes of entertainment that are not on the laptop

Seriously, one whole day at the laptop is taking its toll on my... joints and my mind!

Gonna cook noodles for myself now. :)

Help, I don't understand my contract law textbook. :(
I guess I'll just lower my expectations and expect myself to not understand anything at all. In that case I've exceeded expectations because I've understood about 20% of it. Hurrah to myself for surpassing expectations.
Now for criminal law!
I think I slacked too much the past few days :( sleeping too much is probably the main reason.
I must work hard!
must!
must!
must!
Chillax!

I keep feeling the need to chat with people... I don't know! For example, now. I'd like very much to chat with somebody about school. Preferably somebody from school. But chat about what, I have no clue either.

It's kinda exciting and scary meeting new people. It's exciting because, hey, it's like broadcasting to the whole world that I'm here. It's scary because it's like letting so many people read you and screen you like a book. Sometimes I reach home and wonder what people's impressions of me are. But then afterwards I realize I'm judging myself too much and then usually I just let it be. Today is one of those days. So right now I'm chilling out by listening to Robbie Williams' Eternity. He's actually a really good singer, I don't know why I didn't discover him sooner. I guess it's because he was from a different era.

And then after I chill out I guess I'm going to study. Today my classmates were reeling from the shock of having so much to catch up on (not the first time they expressed shock). Because there are always new readings to do for next week, but at the same time we don't really understand this week's stuff either. As for me, I was shocked last week but now I'm just getting used to it.

Let me get back to the point about how it's exciting and scary meeting new people. I've been meeting new people all my life (JC, sec school). But this time it's more exciting and scary because I don't see the same people everyday. My classmates for each day's classes are different. So everyday is a different social wavelength, if you get what I mean. Which I like. 

I can't believe it's Week 3 already and I still feel like a really new student. It feels like I started school just a few days ago. My classmates expressed the same idea and said they'd really like to settle down in school quickly, just that the feeling isn't coming. 

Somehow I didn't hear anyone cursing today. Hold on-- somebody did, I cringed, but I let it go more easily. Maybe I'm getting used to it. Actually I'm more fine with it being used in casual conversation, but in class, or when talking about work, I don't like to hear it.

I'm really a little too tired to tired to absorb more contract law stuff. I read and then realize I'm not digesting the words; so I read again and I realized it's actually an easy,  non-convoluted sentence. Time for a break.

Life...now is a bit more hectic. I'm sure 13 weeks (the length of one term) will pass in no time. Now it's week 3 and I don't really feel any closer to any of my acquaintances, maybe closer by a degree or two, but basically not much different from where we started off in week 1. Today I even got the feeling that I'm disliked, not that it's hurting me, but my point is I don't feel exactly homey in this place. But maybe that's because I wasn't in a good mood today, being Monday and being such a long day too.

On the bright side! Everyone else is nice and friendly and will chat with you for free, and pepper you with smiles too. Profs are encouraging and smart. And then they make you feel smart. ;) Food is good.

I think the people I meet are really interesting. It's refreshing meeting new people and finding out that they are so different from you, and so similar in some endearing ways. For e.g. you get the sort of people who think life is a battleground. Nothing wrong with that. They can also be very friendly. But somehow when you're near these people you get the feeling that they are always on the edge of their seats, always ready to rise to the challenge. And they make you want to sit on the edge of your seat too.  E.g. 2-- the smart and quiet kind of person. These people are fascinating. When you talk to them you sense lots of whirring activity going on in their brains and you wish you could just dissect their brains and see what goes on in there. E.g. 3-- the people who like to sit at the back of class and guffaw loudly at anything remotely funny. And they make me laugh too. E.g. 4-- this is me, I like to relax and sit at the back of the class too. But I don't guffaw, I giggle/chuckle/anything that is softer. I'm quite quiet.
There are many more sorts of people, but the first 3 stick in my head the most.

Maybe it's time to go back to my textbook.

It feels slightly disheartening when I find out that the world as I knew it is changing.

For example, the prof told us today that we're adults now and we should be the ones asking questions about our work instead, and not simply accept whatever the prof has to say on the topic. My first thought was, I'm an adult?? Then I realized that I'm 19, that university is where adults go. Second question: what's an adult? Third question: Am I not mature enough? And then I just left it there because the lesson moved on.

Another question: is it just me or do I hear more people swearing? I guess it's part of coming to university and being exposed to more people (particularly people who have gone for NS). But I still find it rather repulsive. 

Away with all these questions, now to address the law-related questions that I had during my criminal law class. D:

The switch from holiday mode to school mode is drastic and can be scary. That's exactly how I felt yesterday, a bit too tired, a bit too overwhelmed by the readings, a bit too un-confident about life. Actually there isn't a huge amount of readings to read, it's probably my time management-- it is mentally exhausting to try to rush through pages of readings only the day before every lesson, for 4 days in a row.
So I set a common goal with a friend to finish our week 3 readings by this weekend (if not all, maybe 80%). It can be a daunting goal but I just need to give myself more time and more trust.
I was thinking on the train today that the most poisonous thing in a person's mind is lack of trust in one's own abilities.
Okay maybe not. There are other things a 100 times worse that could poison a person's mind.
I went for a percussion workshop yesterday (here's their website: http://www.sambamasala.com/) and it was really cool playing all the instruments! And standing in the crowd and playing your own rhythm. :) I want to join them but am a bit hesitant because I don't know if I have enough hours in a week. But on the other hand it's an excellent stress reliever-- I was feeling rather down initially but after the workshop I felt that life is fine and dandy.
And I just finished an ocip interview. One of the interviewers really looks like my cousin; their faces are 99% alike. He just doesn't have my cousin's height. Cool. Is there anyone out there who looks 99% like me? I think it will be strange talking to somebody like that though.
Now is the time to put my finish-week-3-readings goal into action! No wait, first to clear week 2 backlog (just one article left).

My BGS prof said, go out and play! We'll only start getting serious around week 4. Go climb mountains, ride bicycles or whatever they ask you to do. But sadly that's not the case for other modules. I want to try out other things like CCA but I'm worried I might not have enough time. E.g. this percussion group has 3 sessions a week, each time being 3 hours.
But I guess I control my own time and I can make time for whatever I love to do?
If only I had a time bank D:
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Today I feel like a worm and I don't feel like doing anything other than studying or sleeping... When last night I was feeling so hyped up about everything.