I get this feeling that I'm entering a system and being subject to its rules and its norms, yet again. I've never had this feeling this clearly... although I did have an inkling of it in JC when I did nothing but study for A's and go for CCA (which was actually fun). Now I feel like I'm more aware of the school's systems and how much of my life it is taking over. In fact right now my life is my school! Except for the very rare meetings with friends from outside SMU (who else but my sec sch friends?).
For example, today was a public holiday but I spent the whole day in school! Or does this point to a despicable sense of self-entitlement in myself? i.e. I feel like I'm entitled to holidays. I shouldn't even be complaining about this because I'm a student and students are supposed to be dedicated to their studies. Hmm.
And I wonder what people would be like if I knew them outside of this system. Certainly outside the system everyone would behave differently and be much more of themselves, maybe. But it is never possible to be outside of a system no matter where one goes so there's no point having this hypothetical situation anyway. In fact we can't be who we are without the systems that control and influence our behaviour.
Thinking of the Hunger Games plot now. \casts significant look\
But I wouldn't like to view all this work in a negative way even though I am feeling rather tired right now. After all it doesn't help to get stressed/depressed/emotional.
Yeah.
Something that has hit home time and time again over the past few weeks is that I must always remember to be myself; to never forget who I am, what I like, and how I like to do things. It's very easy to get lost in a whirlwind of deadlines and expectations and try to conform to standards and norms, and that's when I start to get emotional and depressed. And it always feels better when I realize that, hey, I have control over what I can do and cannot do.
It is sometimes quite a lonely feeling to know that I'm the only one who knows who I really am, what I really like, and how I really like to do things. But no choice about that. I'm quite sure anyone out there has this little impenetrable bubble of self that only he can look into, that no one else can have access to. And it is this very bubble of self that preserves my sanity, my sense of purpose and my basic level of happiness.
This is all rather angsty talk but I'm not speaking of the day's events, but rather school life as a whole.
Today was just a tiring day. I almost fell asleep in my 2nd project meeting (when we were having our presentation dry run) and my group members were giving me strange looks. Luckily they started discussing stuff after that and I returned to Earth.