There's a suggestion to do a post reviewing the past year. Oh well... okay. My memory is rusty. But I shall start with general musings first...

I think I live mainly in the present. 

I generally dislike thinking about the past because the past holds no wonders for me and it's all old news to my mind. I've done good things-- alright, meh, the present holds more challenges; I've done bad things-- no, stop thinking about that embarrassing incident again! 

I rarely think about the future too, but I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I assume present circumstances will just extrapolate themselves into the future and anything else is unexpected and can't really be planned. 

So I immerse myself in the present. Which can be quite bad because when my present is really boring I get disheartened about the future and start to wonder why I live an existence like that. For e.g. boring readings and less-than-nice-but-better-than-nasty cca mates. When I have an entire day free to myself I usually spend  it reading my notes, and when I'm not reading my notes, I'm being a lump of flesh. Being a lump of flesh is very comfortable but when I snap out of it I start to feel useless. 

You can skip this if you don't wanna read a book review

Speaking of being a lump of flesh, that's what I became when I read Milan Kundera's The Unbelievable Lightness of Being, because some parts of the book were quite boring (the political bits), but the parts about family/human relationships (ahem) were more engaging. E.g. the part about their dog dying was quite sad. I don't normally feel sad about animals dying in books, but for this one I did. It was all the more touching when the author explained why the lady's love for the dog was better than the love she had for her husband-- because her love for the dog was unconditional but her love for her husband wasn't, because she couldn't get over her husband's infidelity. Still, note that she loved her husband more deeply.

I ahem-ed earlier because the author included some erotic moments, but I'm used to reading stuff like that already anyway. I like how he zooms in on the characters' thoughts and feelings. Every one of them feels so real, and helps me to feel more real too. If you know the story, I'd like to say I identify most with Franz, the guy who wants to live in truth and not in lies (He admitted to his wife that he had a mistress). I've admitted many things before. But his mistress left him because she wanted to live in secrecy and not in truth (for the public to judge), which I felt was slightly sad (slightly, because why did he have to be so honest? A part of me feels he deserves it. And now I realize that this comment applies to myself too-- maybe I don't have to be so bloody upright and honest every time.) 

The book ended abruptly (I guess that's the author's style) but sweetly. The book taught me that love is touching but it always changes your life in ways that you might not like. But because you love that person you'll deliver yourself into change anyway. Anyway this sounds cliche (I feel like I've heard it somewhere before) but this one describes it on a more personal level; something that I can understand better. So I shall tell myself now-- I don't need to hanker after love.

Okay my post morphed into a book review. Back to agenda.

Sometimes I feel contented being in the present-- yay! happy times!-- then when I'm faced with questions of what's going to happen next time I draw a blank. I think if I thought about the future more I might be more driven on my own, and I'll stop being a lump of flesh and move around more. But I rarely stick to plans, so why should I make them...? This is something to think about... reserved for a later post probably. Like... what do I want to work as? How much money do I want to make? What sort of adult life am I gearing up for? I don't really want to think about it actually. It's more delightful if I see my options from a broader view, rather than fixate on one goal.

Now for flashback-----

Now that I think about it, the year surprisingly started with me slacking in January and getting a job in February (Was it Feb?). I don't think it was a proper job experience but at least it killed my time. On hindsight I think I was babysat quite a bit in the office and everyone spoke to me kindly, like they would to a younger sister or a daughter. Cos I'm 19~

Then I worked till May, during which I started driving. Useless driving licence in my cupboard which might be useful in the future.

Holiday in June in Turkey. Yay. :) Meanwhile I fretted about university choices, which doesn't seem like a big deal now. I'm glad I stayed in Singapore. Though I don't know what life might have been overseas-- I might be happier, but since I don't know, I don't need to care. Glad I stayed in Singapore because... more comfortable and quite an eye-opener too, to mix with the general population more. I was quite a hermit in JC. Anyway, point being, overseas or not, I'm still living life and growing up. 

Orientation camps in July.

Crazy term from August to December. 

And my short-term goals remain: 

1. Higher GPA

2. Stay on in samba. Pride factor is at play as well... I don't wanna be wrong about joining it in the first place.

3. Remember what I've written and remember who I am.