In lieu of school, I shall remind myself to always be myself and be at peace with myself and everyone around me.
And to try to bring up my GPA.
PEACEEEEE

Some scattered late night opinions. I just can't sleep right now. Given that I just came back from 2 days of busking, it's gonna be very samba-related. But I can say for sure that joining samba was one of the best decisions of my (young) life. Other decisions just pale in comparison, they seem to be chance occurrences compared to this. Because I think samba has made a huge print on my life, that's why. Sometimes I don't enjoy it because... just because. Sometimes it majorly gets in the way of other more important stuff; sometimes I feel uncomfortable. And these negative moments make me declare that we live in a deeply superficial world and in graver instances they have thrown me into existential crises. But I've learnt to see beyond that. What's more important is
a) recognizing that you're just a very tiny cog in the universe (or maybe you aren't even a cog; you're just a particle floating about)
b) contributing what you have anyway
c) knowing who you are and why you make certain decisions
d) having explosions of fun at the same time

^_^

Somehow, feeling small makes me feel very carefree. I can do anything I please. Or, I feel infinite. And the world around me will dance and clap and smile with me. Because everyone loves feeling free.

Here's one of those nights where I feel like every particle in me and around me is vibrating and singing with energy. (from a physics point of view, they are literally vibrating.) I can't sleep. All the energy is keeping me awake!
Why? Probably because there was so much awesomeness today: watched The Hobbit and then had samba after that. Awesomeness x 2. Not to forget comfortable company who watched Hobbit with me.
^_^
This is the life. Truly. :)

I love Tolkien. I love Peter Jackson. I love Legolas. I love Thorin Oakenshield. I love Bilbo Baggins. I love Bard. I love Gandalf. I love samba. I love everyone!

Don't just live. Live life as you want it to be. That would be synonymous with living life to its fullest, I think.

On a side note, I concede. I concede that my personality type is ISFP. which was the first ever result I got when I was in secondary school or something. Changed a lot over the years-- and this rings true of ISFPs, who are described as hard to know. ;) so that explains all these years of me trying to find out who I am and not being pleased with the descriptions I got with each personality type.
Not that it matters, I don't really give a hoot what type I am anymore.
Because what matters is not who I am (would anyone know it of themselves?) but what I want out of the sacred thing called life.
Shall end of with a quote I've lifted from the personality type page of ISFPs, ahahaha:

"I change during the course of a day. I wake and I’m one person, and when I go to sleep I know for certain I’m somebody else." -- Bob Dylan

When I am able to build landscapes in my mind
That's when I know I'm free.

And when these landscapes merge with reality
Reality of my own doing
That's when I know I'm myself.

^_^

Really like this quote I picked up from that scary murder mystery book I talked about:
Be choosy with who you love, and even choosier with who you hate.
:))

The things we keep secret are the things which matter most to us. And which we think are very fragile or destructive.

But it does feel good to just stop giving a hoot about them (here you might notice I've censored myself) and just let it all tumble out of your mouth when people ask. (or your fingers when they're tapping on your phone)

Not talking about a one-off incident but incidents accumulated over time.

Sit alone in a room for a while
.
.
.
And then ask yourself, are you happy with who you are?
For me, the honest answer is no.
But does it make a difference? No, it doesn't change anything, except to remind myself (again) that I must continue searching for the thing that makes me happy with who I am. And I think this thought also makes me more humble.

As I search, I shall continue to have lots of fun!

But oh gosh, the sound of a raw bluesy voice with guitars is unparalleled.
E.g. In Chiangmai, we were walking around the night market while dudes in different pubs around the area were singing their souls out to the night air with a guitar slung around their shoulder. Lovely.
My next memory associated with Chiangmai is that all of us except 1 suffered from food poisoning. I vomited the night I came back from Chiangmai. Mum has diarrhoea, aunts vomited. Doctor attributes it to ice (made from unboiled tap water).
One day, I will visit UK, and the bluesy musical areas of US like Oregon, Nashville, what else? Not sure yet. And I'll sit in all the open-air restaurants with live bands and have my dinners there.
:>

Turns out I'm not all that happy with who I am but I'm very happy with my dreams. Not sure what that means. Pretty sure it doesn't mean anything though.

When all seems lost, faith will keep you going.
And when it's over, you can be comforted by the fact that you kept your faith going.
(i mean faith in general, not religion)
T_T

After a day of being a bit obsessed with CLS (the exam tomorrow) and slacking a bit
i realize that OMG i've been neglecting prop too (exam the day after)
so here's a happy little song to tide me over
WAHAHA!

it's very nice to sing along to.

_{“What I miss the most about him is the way he used to lie down next to me at night. Sometimes his arm would stretch along my chest. And I couldn’t move. I even held my breath. But I felt safe, complete and I miss the way he was whistling walking down the street. And every time I do something, I think of what he would say: “It’s cold today.wear a scarf.” But lately, I’ve been forgetting little things. He’s sort of fading and I’m starting to forget him, and it’s like losing him again. So sometimes, I make myself remember every detail of his face. The exact color of his eyes, his lips, his teeth, the texture of his skin, his hair. That was all gone by the time he went. And sometimes. not always but sometimes I can actually see him. It’s as if a cloud moves away and there he is. I could almost touch him. But then the real world rushes in, and he vanishes again. For a while, I did this every morning when the sun was not too bright outside. The sun somehow makes him vanish. Yes, he appears and he disappears, like a sunrise or sunset. Anything so ephemeral. just like our life. We appear and we disappear. And we are so important to some, but we are just passing through.”}

_{- Before Midnight (2013)}

I like this. It sounds so matter-of-fact and so real.
And it adds to my apathy. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, cos sometimes you need something to make yourself pull your head out of the clouds.



And here's a lovely, lovely song. :')

Joshifer/Peeniss forever! :D

AHAHAHAHA OMG I LOVE JOSH SO MUCH. AND JEN LAWRENCE. JOSHIFER!! PEENISS! AND OKAY LIAM TOO
AHAHA


and okay here's where it's from http://yahooentertainment.tumblr.com/post/67500870003/look-out-liam-here-comes-the-tickle-monster

暴风雨再怎么强烈，也不会冲走我的感情，我的自爱和自信心。雨是短暂的，可是我的精神会一直陪伴着我。
Can you imagine how long it took me to write that Chinese sentence...
我是一条河。 而雨水只会给我力量。
Basically, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
And you can decide whether something kills you or not.
The answer is it does not.

i feel kinda sick of studying. bad, i know, and since i've been slacking by re-reading hunger games and mockingjay and catching fire, and laughing at josh hutcherson and jen lawrence gifs on tumblr, i can't even pity myself the slightest.
so tonight, i won't stop until i'm done with my revision plan. UNNGHHH! but i need to let off some steam first. and some thoughts.

i was reading a friend's blog about how we should travel but not when we are too young. and i do agree. i went to turkey with my aunts and uncle a few years back, and the view was breathtaking, and i enjoyed myself thoroughly. but i think my happiness would have shot through the roof if it was my own money i had been spending. i guess spending your own money on pampering yourself always beats using other people's money to pamper yourself. because you would then truly know what it takes to achieve the happiness you want. the turkey trip came too easily. not that i'm complaining, haha! just... saying.

bazap. on another train of thought. right now, though, i'm not very sure what i'm doing with my life. oh sure, i want to get through with law school. but... why? law was just one of the many paths i picked. when i was 18 i saw many paths branching ahead of me (going overseas included, but too many reasons for not going and after some moping around i gave up on it). and i didn't know which to pick. so i picked the one that looked the shiniest.
i guess right now my main motivation in learning it is, it gives me new takes on life.
but it comes with some frustration so i'm trying to develop lots of discipline there as well.

some questions on my mind; these questions might find their way to you too:
1. do you have a vision in life?
2. is there any meaning in keeping to your vision in life? why don't you just pursue whatever's shiny and go on to earn lots of money from those shiny paths?

when i was 18, i don't think i had any vision for myself. very unromantic of me, but also very true. so in choosing this path i don't think i compromised anything, besides some measure of frivolity, which i'm pretty sure i still have plenty of. ^_^ oh, yes, and my mum's money in paying for school fees too.

i guess the next most important question is, what then? the trick to making choices is just to be random and go with your gut, but what's more important is what you do with that choice you picked. and i haven't figured out what i'm going to do with this path i've picked.

on the day that you were born

the angels got together

and decided to create a dream come true

so they sprinkled moondust in your hair

and golden starlight in your eyes of blue

:)

this song is dedicated to my crush, sam claflin, but i don't think he has blue eyes; i think they are grey. and he doesn't know i'm dedicating it to him so i'm just doing this for my amusement. wahaha

oh well next time i'll dedicate this song to somebody else and maybe his eyes won't be blue, they'll probably just be black or dark brown.
but maybe he won't be handsome enough for this song. *gives an apathetic shrug*
i know that sounds mean, but. *another apathetic shrug* 

Music is my drug.
Favourite word to use these days is: jialat liao lah.
Still.
We press on.
15 days.

catching a glimpse of sam claflin's face so I will be motivated to do more accounting stuff.
:3 maybe it will motivate you too :)

SIGH. Sometimes I think if I were working with myself I'd give myself a nice smack on the... arm. Not cheek, ow.
Why? Just discovered a major error I made in an accounting group report. And reported it extremely apologetically to my group. Found out that my group member had already corrected it quietly. Normally I would have corrected it AND told the careless bugger that he/she was wrong. But no I was not told of my mistake, which I regard as extreme tact on my group member's part.
Respect...
SIGH feelings of self-dislike. Sometimes.
\okay let's not be too emotional\

Deactivated my Facebook account because I was abusing it-- looking through newsfeed whenever I got bored with revision, meaning every 10 or 15 minutes at worse, for e.g. when studying accounting, which is easily the loveliest subject on Earth; the pride of the human race; the vitamin pill of capitalism which we seem to be unable to do without.
Okay enough bullshitting...
Human beings don't thrive on food. Yes, they survive on food. But they thrive on passion. I need to maintain that passion. Now I sometimes get random sparks of academic passion, which I thrived on in secondary school and JC.
I know I'm just hitting a temporary low right now.
Just a bit more patience with them numbers here, lady...
Because if you're bored, you're just not curious enough.

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.
~Albert Camus

Indeed, Mr Camus...
Hmm I guess I'll go read your books after finals.

If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavours to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favour in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings."

~Henry David Thoreau 

wilful blindness will not work in my favour at all, no it won't... need to open my eyes to the amount of things i do not know...

jialat siol, just want this week to be over soon
soon
soon
argh
presentation tomorrow afternoon but haven't prepped my script.

Citation: http://mysmufeels.tumblr.com/page/5
lol.
jialat siol, seems like there's tension between everyone and i'm like... -__- fml. still, i shouldn't read too much into it since work seems to bring out the tension in everyone...
also the state of my revision is jialat too... maybe I should try reverse psychology and say that my revision is very manageable, no problem at all.

from http://omgtomhiddleston.tumblr.com/

HEHEHE.

Okay self-motivation time:
"If I walk today, I have to run tomorrow" -- Carles Puyol Saforcada

i quote from some university advice: (you can click HERE to read it if you want)

1. your friends will change. let them.

i've changed and-- i would say-- everyone i've known has changed. and i don't care about it at all. 

cos with all i've seen so far, i've gathered that nice people don't stay nice and horrible people don't stay horrible. i quote a friend and extend her reasoning: if somebody does something that you don't agree with, you don't label the person a 'bad person' and reject the person/shrink into yourself. you try to make sense of things.
when i entered uni i vaguely noticed some sort of gap between my maturity level and the maturity level of the general population around me; i was trusting, immature, naive, possessive. and i wondered why the world could not accommodate my maturity level. Now I try to be aware of that.

also, well, here's also a reminder to take my bitchings with a pinch of salt. i try not to let rumours around me affect my perceptions of (some) people (well, only if i have a favourable personal impression of them). because i know they have a pleasant side and they are human. i've experienced it very clearly with my current project. 

such is the world; change is the only constant. 

one thing that CAN stay constant, though, is the amount of faith you place in yourself. because that is one thing you can control more easily. let that amount of faith be high. 

another thing that CAN stay constant is your sense of self-- know what you want. if you don't know what you want, you're likely to follow the crowd, and you're likely to make decisions and not really know why you've made them, and you're likely to wake up from your life one day when you're in your mid-40s and realize that you've been living in a nightmare all your life. 

update on emoness: not so emo anymore, haha.
shit, prop, shit.

ooh hello sanity, it's lovely to be back home

i swear this is one of those crazy times

fml

tmd still need to start studying for finals, and the status of my revision is -50%. That's right, negative.

i've severely underestimated the difficulty of lobo. and as for prop, i've never underestimated it, but now i'm totally sure it's in truth 100 times harder than it seems to be now

有苦难言.
Seriously never identified more strongly with this phrase. Maybe I should just give up, and not care if I fail this shit. And now everyone's scared of everyone. -.- Humans are such jokes. Look at all the fks I have to give for this project. I've spent enough of my time, energy and emotions and I don't have any left to spend. It was a mistake creating this group, and a very taxing mistake that I will learn from.

I think sometimes I act like a bitch.
Sometimes
And bitches don't stay bitches, angels don't stay angels.
That's why previously I said I'm loving life but not really loving it
Today I found out I get uncomfortable whenever my non law friends talk about law and how uhhhh busy or how good it is or what
When they say that I feel they are putting a gulf between me and them when actually I'm striving to destroy that gulf
But okay whatever I don't really care now haha too many irrelevant(?) and irresolvable (definitely) feelings

loving life but not really loving it; what a strange conflict of feelings.
and hating people but not really hating them either.
hating myself but not really hating myself.
omahgad.

*whirlpool of emotions*
*don't talk to me*
*emo kid*

(i hate hashtags so i use asterisks)

apparently acting all tough and fierce is not the way to go sometimes.
peace, love, trust and patience... can get you what you want better. sometimes.
sounds cliche, but. SHHH.

only those who are afraid have reason to be nasty. because they are similar to cornered animals, and cornered animals are desperate to get out of their situation.
those with a calm and friendly demeanour do not fear anything
(or so it seems, at least)

i don't want to live in fear. of anything immaterial.
or anger

don't give up
it's normal
be yourself
don't let external factors define who you are
work hard
i wanna say: with every broken bone i swear i lived
happiness is a choice

^ just some random words of advice

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOEY!!!

so here's a song to decorate my night

When you see a friend behind a fundraising booth

this is honestly damn cute

fml can december come soon

forgot to say that. the more i feel negative about other people, the more i hate myself too. in fact i think if i were working with myself i'd have shoved a pen up my nose by now.
okay i'm exaggerating. but you know what i mean.

so.... peace and love and forgiveness! ^___^

my blog shows that i'm such an un-charming person... bleagh.

Whenever I Set Foot In The Law School:



yeah so. quite an accurate representation of my feelings. not all the time because as you know, feelings are volatile and they change. there are actually days where i feel like mother teresa and i love everyone. but i feel like i'm getting used to being displeased and disturbed and whatever. i actually felt a sense of solidarity when my prof said that day 'singaporeans are so optimistic, but british are just *ughhh*'. he actually made quite a cute sound, lol. but anyway at that moment i just told myself, i'm a british at heart, cos i'm feeling so un-optimistic these days.
i know its affecting my facial expressions and my behaviour because i rarely get high and excited around my friends anymore. unless you're talking about my idols or my other more frivolous interests, which is rare, because who has the time to talk like that in law school? no one cares either.
but i know my feelings are not unfounded cos i don't understand loads of stuff. so... time to get started on work. fff need. to. start. working. damn. hard.

BUT ANYWAY. click here for some advice for law students --> Friends

2 things on my mind right now
a) should i get a 2nd major
b) should i go for an overseas internship in hongkong
for (a) i'm leaning towards yes, for (b) i'm leaning towards no.
hm.

I feel like I'm waking up from a deep deep sleep, cos my brain is slightly foggy. Probably had something to do with the fact that I slept 10 hours last night. 80) But what I said is more figurative than literal.

So here's some out-of-the-world music. Which makes me feel quite at peace with things.

I think people who love winning are obnoxious. And people who think that they are better than others, for whatever reason, are no better as well. These are people who believe in organizing others in an artificial hierarchy, and that sucks, because that's such a narrow-minded way to perceive the world.

“Only I keep wishing I could think of a way to . . . to show the Capitol they don't own me. That I'm more than just a piece in their Games.” -The Hunger Games.

Today I had a thought. I see myself and all the people around me as fodder for capitalism, or whatever world order you subscribe to. We are trained for 4 years so we can be of value to corporations, to make their business plans, to do their paper work, to make money, more money and more money. Without us as a whole the economy crashes. So we are fed to the system.

I don't want to be a slave to this money-making machine.

I don't want to turn into a creature dominated by hatred, fear and greed. Hatred of other people. Fear of failure. Greed for more recognition, more money.

I want to lead a fulfilling life. I want to see the value of what I'm learning and enjoy it. Sometimes I know I enjoy it. But to truly do that I need to reconcile my enjoyment with my contempt for the general population.

It's like how Frodo the ringbearer feels. He hides the ring in his shirt but it slowly takes over him as he approaches Mount Doom.
Likewise, all of us are Frodos and we all harbour hatred/fear/greed in our heart where it is not displayed to the public. We shouldn't let it consume us.

I've been seething all weekend and today at the general population. For being fake. For stoking their own ego. For putting others down. For being selfish. The list could go on, but this is an apt summary and it's enough to make a fire rise up within me. But no I shan't let this linger in me for too long. After all I need to be my own person without all this contempt. I need to love other things in life. Things, and surprisingly certain people, that are much more worthy of my contemplation.

Typical day...
FA over, take lunch. Open up notes for CLS. Read the first item. Feels a mini-explosion in brain. Or mini-fracture. Hmm. I think it might have happened in the front of my brain.
Shakes head to clear brain. Frowns. Continues reading.

Been having a fever the whole weekend. But this isn't helping. This is making my temperature go right up. *overheats* *happiness*

selfish bastards.
selfish bastards who do and say things to stoke their ego.
selfish bastards don't deserve anything at all.
they only deserve to be ignored like they don't exist
indifference hurts, hatred doesn't hurt.

if selfishness is what this world operates on,
then i will be selfish too.
except to those undeserving of my selfishness.
these people will get my love, gratitude, affection, whatever.

and if you are reading this you are definitely NOT a selfish bastard.

just watch him swing the light bulb and dance with it...
i wanna get a light bulb and dance with it too lol



there's some halloween party next friday but i'm not going. slight tinge of regret cos our juniors are actually fun people (well.. yes, unlike my batch) and they are having fun discussing what to dress up as. i'm not going because i foresee lots of work.
(and even if i'm super efficient and finish up my work... i'd find it nice to slack at home)

#emokid

the world is full of selfish bastards
and i'll pick my way through the world
like i'm walking through a rubbish dump
i'm not saying i'm better. i'm not saying i'm untainted.
but i don't give a hoot about how i'm perceived by bits of scum
occasionally though, I see a crystal amidst all the scum of humankind.
just occasionally. these are the ones to treasure.

seriously, if you think about it, wars are caused by bastards thinking they are better, or bastards thinking they deserve more than other people. think of it. think of your history lessons. which war wasn't started by selfish bastards?
the world would be a much better place if all these people were. just. obliterated.
shit, i feel so drained.
i just wanna go hide in a cave for the whole day today.

and besides selfish bastards, the world is filled with vain people who love publicizing their lives on social media. once or twice is okay. yolo. people deserve to be proud. but all the time? go get your brains examined. i just feel like i'm living in a fake world, and lots of people are dripping with falseness.

i think i just discovered a bottomless pit filled with all my angst, bitterness and whatever. accumulated over the weeks, repressed in my heart of hearts. i just need some time to find the bottom of that pit. and i'll feel better.

I feel infinite.
Like how the dude in perks of being a wallflower felt. While he and his friends were driving through a tunnel with David Bowie's song blaring from the radio.
It's a peculiar feeling.
Today was a day of unpleasant adventures. My limbs are soft from percussing for 6 hours. I have a hefty workload planned ahead.
So feeling infinite is a mix of these things? Interesting.


Felt really pissed today too. You can tell how much empathy a person has in a second.
You are obviously in a rush to meet sbd
And you tell that sbd
OMG, I just lost my matric card AND ezlink card. AND I haven't eaten lunch (at 3.30 pm)
And then their response is 'Huh. Okay.'
In this fake time that suggests you're a huge retard.

wtf I guess the reason I feel pissed is cos I always thought that person was fairly friendly with me.
wtf you.
Okay so I guess feeling infinite is having a healthy pulse of anger in you.
This French lady in a movie I watched once said anger is a sign of life. She likes it when her daughters get angry.

My insides seem to be frozen when I'm doing work. Sometimes.
I need to relax.
I can totally feel the difference. When I'm at cca I kind of feel my insides unfreeze.
My friend at cca asked me about what research paper I was doing and I felt my insides cramp up.
There is something I'm feeling! Just not sure what.
I just know there's two different sides to me.
One cramped up and one relaxed.

my kind of head-banging music after cramming lobo cls fa and prop in 1.5 days wooooooooo



*refrains from cursing*

doing prop readings
and realizing that there's so much more left to understand
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
roarhhh

F IS FOR FAITH WHAT WERE YOU THINKING

damn super freaking bored
even though there's deadlines and everything
but still.
-______-
and i'm feeling sick of almost everyone
i need to teleport to someplace and be by myself totally
roar
happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

something to salvage the day:


thank goodness for music

next time maybe i'll buy a car and on damnsuperfreakingbored days like this i'll drive out to somewhere really far like katong and treat myself to laksa or some cake from the hipster cafes there
and buy back some for my family
or my family can sit in my car and join me

and in my car i'll have an ipod and a speaker and i'll play indie music like that

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

guess i need some winding down time.
because despite my new blog title i dont feel like doing work now.
friend recommended me some indie music

sounds like my kind of music cos somebody in the band is playing the cello
roar
stay strong

how do people have morning lessons everyday?
i slept 4 hours last night and now i'm feeling wonky and i don't know how to edit/refine my research paper even though it feels like it's quite substandard
asked prof today about how much we should not cite ... he said he can't tell me exactly how much but told me not to be too hung up about it
honestly he's a nice guy who bothers to come up to us individually and ask us how we are (that's why i even asked him that question in the first place)
but anyway point is arghwafflebrained

stay strong
stay determined
stay disciplined

feeling quite fossilized and crappy after an entire day of doing my research paper and i'm still not done!
i can't shake the feeling that there's so much more to learn in law and yet there's such a vast world outside of law.
so i'm just a tiny speck right here.
bluntly put, i feel really stupid
and i saw the catching fire trailer and felt this twinge of sadness in me i wonder why (no, nothing to do with the fact that i'll be so busy when the movie is released)
well, it is a sad movie
i feel really stupid



tonight will be a late night
bright side is i think my research paper topic is kinda interesting
and i can't say i'm not learning anything

as always, sleep engulfs me.
BAH
okay but i will still try to finish my work
\triestoforgiveself (which is not hard actually) :P

Okay Marsha.
Earth-shaking realization.
I. Am. Not. Working. Hard. Enough.
Yes. Despite the fact that I feel like I am.
But I am not.
It is not enough.
I'm always 1 or 2 steps behind in class nowadays.
I should stop being satisfied with my half-baked understanding of things. I need to do better than that.
I should stop doing my research paper excessively. Yes, finish it, and do it well, but don't drag. Don't give up doing your readings for next week.
Urrrrrrrrrrgh
no slacking
godspeed!
I have not been working hard enough!
stop sleeping 8-9 hours a day for goodness' sake. :((((((((((((((((((((
6-7 hours is good enough!

feeling like i can't ever keep up. sigh.
i need to wake up.

WORK HARD. 6 MORE WEEKS TO FINALS. And if you were to ask me a property law question now I'd be like wtfbbqwhatdidyoujustsay and this is bad cos property law is 1.5 units but i have not been revising my other 1 unit modules also gahhh 
Motto: wake up at 6.30 everyday, sleep at 11.30-12 at night. EVEN IF I HAVE 3.30PM LESSONS. YES. (except weekends) YEAH BABY. YOU'VE SLEPT ENOUGH. YES. Afternoon naps restricted to half an hour. SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

Recently my friend showed me a quote that a graduated student had apparently written carefully on a board in a room in our school. You probably have seen it and the quote says: "I believed in studying just because I know education was a privilege. It was the discipline of studying that taught me the habit of dong something I did not like to do.

And finish it."

Fascinating quote. I guess I whole-heartedly agree with it. After 1.5 years in law, I have gathered that I do not wholly like studying law. There are certain bits that I enjoy. But sometimes I find it overly technical and if I were the judge I would just say something like, grow up and settle it yourselves lah, just compromise a bit, don't waste my time. That's my view some of the time but maybe it's because I'm taking some things for granted. Hmm. After all there are times when I feel that the party really suffered an injustice and I'm like D:<

But is there anything we can truly like doing? Even something I really like-- my CCA-- has things that I don't like about it. 

So yeah, just move on and keep the end in mind. It's a privilege, and privileges do not fall from the sky coated in sugar or dripping in chocolate.

Was typing this outside subway and having lunch when some cca people came along and decided to eat subway with me. Felt vaguely nice. We're not that close but we're friendly enough to sit together for a meal even though I was being a loner and doing my work outside subway.

I find it really hard to make friends now but I find that acquaintances are a constant in my life. Not acquaintances from cca but also from law. I don't belong to any clique but I guess it's a natural thing for people to have cliques and I shall stop feeling excluded in school. I'm just myself and by myself.

watched my favourite drama on channel 8 again that features ruco chan, my current tv crush ^_^ haha.
but i caught something really interesting in the show-- a reference to a certain guy with multiple personality disorder, and the cool/disturbing fact is, this guy had 24 personalities. WOW. just mindblown.
if you like, you can click HERE for an article about this person.

just makes me wonder about myself. i'm sure for most people, not all our thoughts are uniform. we have conflicting voices sometimes right? like when you can't decide, you have many opinions on whether you should proceed or not. and we don't treat people the same way every day, do we? sometimes we wake up and we just find that irritating person... well, not so irritating anymore, maybe. maybe the whole world is schizo, it's just a matter of degree. and whether it manifests.

wow. :O

I might have mentioned something about an overseas trip for my cca to you...

but I might have neglected to say that they hold auditions for it. the trip takes place next june so auditions would probably be next year. so no need to worry about it this term yet. 

Anyway I was half-hoping they would change their minds about the audition but I don't think they did because they sent out an email informing us (albeit in a friendly way) that they would hold auditions for the trip.

I intended to join this thing for fun... but it seems like to get more fun out of it there must be some competition. Sigh. Just when I want to get away from competition, up pops more competition.  

From another view it might actually be a good thing if I don't get through the auditions so I can skip more pracs and then I'd have more time to myself and to my studies 

Meh.

I guess it would turn out well both ways. Each result would be different, but both results are good... in their own ways.

wish they had stuck to the old plan though. the old plan involved a different country, and i think everyone got to go for the trip because of... easier planning and more resources. so they have never held auditions. until this year.

WHY. :( sianballz. all the feelings that will arise... and i have to deal with them. you know what feelings right? i'm sure all of us are all too familiar with the myriad of feelings that arise with the thought of competing. much. too. familiar.

i think i might be being a bit too emotional here. after all, this is part and parcel of life. HASHTAG. and there's more competition awaiting me in the future so why am i whining now.
and well, if anyone should be complaining, it should be the juniors who just joined. cos they just joined and now *bam* they are faced with the prospect of auditions. before they've even started to really have fun.

Never knew accounting tested so much of my brainpower and willpower. I can feel every one of my brain cells sighing and screaming in exasperation.
I'm really glad my JC self knew not to put accounting as any of my course options.
I was probably scared away by JC math.
oh gosh

those who cling on tightly

are those who, deep down, know they are going to lose something

tightly they cling on

but that doesn't stop them from losing what they were meant to lose at the start

the only people worth clinging on to are those that have stayed by your side, even with lapses of effort on your part 

stop peeking at what i'm typing brother

Oh my gosh musical geniuses!

I love them.
Really.
Here's more of them and they are being really cute.

In an alternate universe I would marry one of them. But alas we know that dreams and reality do not match and so I will go about my life carrying this dream within my heart.
Listening to them makes me feel like there's so much more to life and its wonders, and I feel like I'm dancing and skipping in a field with sunflowers and dandelions and whatever flower imaginable.
When I have a child next time I will put him or her through cello classes and hopefully he/she likes the cello and can play it to me.
Okay actually, when I'm rich enough next time, why don't I buy a cello for myself and get a teacher to teach me to play it.
Looks really tough though, all those strings.
But when I watch them play, I can see that the technicalities of playing the cellos are not problems to them anymore; they just use it as a way to express whatever deep feelings they are feeling.
Wow, that is cello nirvana.
Maybe my money could be better spent just watching cello concerts. 2cello concerts, specifically. Or the PianoGuys.
There is so much more to life. 
Life is a vast expanse of grasses and waters... and I'm just a little phytoplankton/blade of grass dancing merrily along to my favourite song

Really feels damn good to just be alone all day, and when my mum comes home in the evening to pamper me with dinner, it feels great as well.
And now I'm alone again with no noise around me but my headphones playing into my ears some strange form of music I've discovered on youtube/soundcloud recently-- probably called nu-disco.
On a strict diet now (wisdom teeth extracted), which I think helps me concentrate because I can't pop by the kitchen every 20 minutes looking for something to eat.
People have been whining about how recess week is worse than normal school weeks because of all the meetings and probably camps... But I think it's way better. There's still lots of work, yeah, but it feels more like a holiday being able to do it at home than having to camp in school doing it.
Think I'm just going to not go for camp tomorrow-- weaning myself off painkillers tomorrow so it might hurt + it's still swollen. I look like I'm storing food in my mouth, like a hamster, because of my two rather swollen cheeks. Kinda cute. Haha.
I've been having this thought in my head for a few days now... I really like my family. :3

Do you ever get this feeling of wanting to just live out your life's plan in a jiffy, say in a day or two? Sometimes I feel like I can't wait to see what I'll be doing 5 years later, or 10 years later, and the present day is not yielding any answers. It's quite a 'meh' feeling.
So I try to do this thing, called 'sitting in' on life. I learnt it from samba, where my friend explained to me to just 'sit in the rhythm' so I wouldn't keep anticipating the next beat and playing out of time.
Good advice, I think.
Just sit in.

So. An idea of the strange new music that I've started to like! Try not to get distracted by the vid... it's just a picture after all,

The Fault in Our Stars is a really touching book. This book, together with other books and other thoughts, will sit in my heart of hearts and I'll remember forever what they mean to me and I will live by these thoughts.
And I say heart of hearts because I will never share these thoughts, much like how the protagonist in the story opined that 'her thoughts are her thoughts'.

Right so I should really get a move on my research paper, even though I've been telling myself this for the past 1 or 2 days.
And not get distracted by Tumblr or Pinterest or whatever.

Sometimes I feel like life is moving too quickly, and I'm getting lost in all the moments it's creating. There are so many moments that sometimes I get confused as to which ones I want to treasure. Worse, sometimes I don't even know whether I am treasuring any moments.

And right now, during this break week, I feel like I'm half-asleep and dreaming, and with each passing day I feel a tiny bit more worried about why I haven't started my research paper (or any serious work, really). It's like that feeling I get when I'm napping and I'm trying to get up but I'm too deep in my sleep, and then my heart starts hammering at my ribcage and I get up because of the din it's making.

I realize all this sounds a bit depressive, but rest assured; I'm generally quite a happy person right now, with the added characteristic of being an existentialist young adult.
I think I'm starting to sound narcissistic.
Okay bye then before I damage my reputation!

Who am I and what do I love?
What should I love?
Since when did 'should' come into the picture?
But is there a difference between 'what is' and 'what should be' anyway?
It's great pondering over silly questions at 2.30 am at night while it's raining outside.
I haven't done nice things like this in a long while.
Sometimes what I love and what is good for me aren't always the same.
I'm forever in a dilemma between the two.
And I end up standing in the middle ground
Expressionless, emotionless
And all the emotions come flowing back to me on rainy nights like this.
I don't have an answer
But life sustains itself on questions and not answers anyway.

I feel more human now :) started reading the fault in our stars, went shopping with mum.
What I've learnt in law school:
1. studying for exams helps but even so you're only halfway there cos the exam is a creature separate from studying that you can't prepare for
2. there's always something you don't know (okay, a lot of things)
3. it's really hard to make friends (although of course i have a few)
4. how to free myself from the burdens that i've carried. this one is really hard to describe
5. growing up

I feel really tired, but happier than I've generally been, and I feel like I'm in a position where I'm letting go of (almost) all the grudges I've been holding. Because really, if I want to 'criminalize' other people's behaviours, I should be 'criminalizing' myself too, if I applied the same standards to myself. It would be horrible if everyone did the same thing; the world would be horrible. I know I was once so naive and pampered, and then I tried to overcompensate, and now I guess I'm kind of in middle ground. And people seem (genuinely) happy when they sense you are getting a little friendlier. Well, of course.
It's not like I go skipping around though.
And at the same time -- I don't think there's a causal relationship though-- I feel like I'm making an effort to stop restraining myself, and stop stressing myself out (and I think the effort is succeeding), and I currently feel freer and more relaxed.
And today marks the start of recess week; that's probably why I feel freer.

Our TA in an email:
"if you haven't started on your research paper, I really think that you should."
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

by the way, to my family who secretly reads my blog-- it's really okay if you tell me so, in passing mention for example. i don't mind. haha. i get the feeling you are hiding this fact from me. and i'm sniggering slightly at this. hehehehe.

OMG
BYE
I'M GONNA STUDY

I won't stop when I'm tired
I STOP WHEN I'M DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I find it increasingly peaceful to be by myself. Which is good I guess. It could get boring sometimes but I still like it. And I've been seeing a few shares on facebook about how being alone is good. Speak of coincidences. Oscar Wilde once said that it's very healthy to be alone and we should learn how to be ourselves and not be defined by other people.
I see what people mean when they talk about personal space, and working relationships, and like-dislike mash-ups of feelings.
And I find that being by myself just puts everything back in perspective.
And I dislike acquisitive behaviour. It's seems quite... self-centred.
Need I talk about my backlog again? It's just crazy. It's off the charts. And I'm still trying to have a normal life while clearing it.

Here's an old song of John Mayer's. Never realized before how charming his songs were.

That spark of determination.
Please don't leave me.
It's the spark that says, it's crazy, but I'm going to dive headlong into it since there's no avoiding it anyway.
Why am I so awake? This is bad, I've got to be up in 5 hours.

Sometimes all it takes is a belief.
I just need to believe that I can do it.
That belief was really strong in Year 1, I don't know why it's been weakening this semester.
What really sustained my belief last year was...I don't know.
What I thought last year was that... I could conquer anything and I could do anything with this attitude of mine.
Wow, okay, so it helps to look at the past.
I know I'm getting more jaded -- and I'm still a lot less jaded than most adults I think-- but what I need to do is to keep this jadedness separate from my attitude.
I know I'm seeing things differently now... what used to look like Disneyland just looks like... well, reality now.
And I know that my country was once apparently described as Disneyland.
I know I sound a bit neurotic here but these are really some of my deepest thoughts... so that's why.
Yeah, and all I need is a belief... A belief that I can still conquer whatever I set out to conquer in year 1.
'Cos life is about moving forward and not retreating. Retreating just defeats the whole point of life itself.
And when you feel currents moving against you, you just have to double the strength of that belief and push on with a mighty YELL.

I'm just this close to becoming a UK citizen, honestly.



Just that well, I'm based here and all my family and friends are here, so, I'm still here. And I'm a student and I'm not extraordinarily rich and can't move house across the seas and mountains just like that.

Okay today is a day of Great Enlightenment in Property Law, Company Law and All The Great Questions in My Life.
Today is an important day.
Bye.

It's so easy to feel contempt for the people around me but it's also equally easy to feel affection for them.
It's not easy when my experience with emotions was one-dimensional for the first 15 or so years of my life, and now they are acquiring new dimensions and I've got to get used to them.
Right so... I'm here cos I'm not sure where to get started. With my work I mean.
I've learnt how personal space is sacred. You need to preserve a part of yourself that you can express fully without backlashes from other people's equally dynamic and volatile emotions.
So I'm really enjoying my solitude right now, with me and my music. Oh, and of course my readings.
Came back and decided to continue reading The Rape of Nanking... and I regretted it. It makes for rather tense and emotional reading. And the feelings last.
:(
I might have scared somebody because my friend and I were discussing WWII history and I was explaining my rather emotionally-tainted stance, when a bored classmate drifted over and asked me to repeat what I was saying... So I bluntly repeated my opinions and her face was like "eeyer... why am I talking to marsha." Alright... sorry... no... I'm not dangerous... I don't bite...

I feel like there's so many waves crashing inside me
But I still feel calm
I know that the waves are meant to be there.

It would be really nice if I could be sitting at the beach now with my laptop.
Then I'd do my work by the beach and hear all the waves crashing.
But in reality that wouldn't work cos I know I'd be distracted by all the shadows lurking around in the trees around me.

We were never meant to stand on firm, flat ground. The earth is round, for goodness' sake! Whatever we do, we are always balancing ourselves on this huge ball that is Earth. Our whole life is a balancing act.

Holding onto that patch of sunniness in me. People can be bitchy, they can be passive. But I don't have to be bitchy myself. And people are passive only because every one in the right mind would be absorbed in their own worlds and not in other people's.

Kind of liking my CLS group, they are so easy going. :)

can the december holidays just arrive. right now.
sigh.
my drive seems to have disappeared ever since....
ever since property law moots ended
lol
i feel numb even though i know about all the work coming up in the weeks ahead
numb... i.e. no drive
i know what i need
i need the gym
3 weeks no gym
maybe that's why i'm a living ball of slime

feeling so damn relaxed even though i've got a presentation plus a quiz on monday.
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
it's not complacency... it's more like. I'm gonna have to do my work anyway so I'm just gonna do it at my own time and however i like it.

It's not a good idea to read a history book detailing wartime atrocities at almost 1 am when you're trying to finish up your research for a presentation next monday.
First it makes you unnerved...
and then you don't feel sleepy
and then you come to post a silly post like this on your blog.

*okay back to work*

I think I shouldn't sleep tonight...
even if my nose is misbehaving
okay maybe i'll sleep at 2 ish or 3.

i've learnt one thing today though... to be at ease with myself. yes, even if people do not seem to like you.

I'm feeling sick today cos I'm in danger of sneezing every minute. And I'm feeling sick of people. Thank goodness I met up with Yun and Cheryl for lunch (and Chloe soon after) or today would have been an utterly miserable day.
I live in a world where goodness is taken for granted and 'badness' is not forgiven nor forgotten. What is badness anyway?
Where people don't bother to see who you are beneath your appearance or try to understand your actions. Where the worst is assumed. Where nobody gives a shit whether you exist. Where everything 'bad' you do is judged and probably gossiped about.
It's a world which remembers and bears grudges.
And I'm part of this world. I share its characteristics. I see myself for who I am and I'm not impressed. But I'm not impressed with the world either.
One thing helps though. I understand myself. I can't say I have the same degree of understanding for the world I live in.
And what hurts is that this world contains things and relationships I care about. But they all disappoint. I've learnt to halve my expectations, but it seems like my expectations have to go lower still. I'm becoming a cynical and jaded lady. A lady who has changed a lot from who she was last year. But I understand why the changes happened.
I see things differently from many people. I know a few who see things the same way as i do, and I hope they stay this way. But I can't say for sure because change is a constant.
Of course the world I'm talking about is not the world at home. Home is a sanctuary. School is kind of a halfway house between home and real world. And the place I'm talking about it closer to the real world than any other place.
Sigh I really feel like my life is missing something. It's missing its calling, mission, purpose, whatever.
Then again why do I have such a romanticised view of life? You do what you're supposed to do here. What you love to do isn't valued in this society.

To be fair, I haven't seen all the best things this world has to offer. Neither have I seen the worst. But choy.

I just bought tau huey from mr bean and I know my sick-and-sick-of-people vibe just rubbed off on the mr bean vendor.

Oops.

Well, at least I know the effects aren't for long.

And with that... I guess I've cheered up a bit. You might be a little amazed at the fact that I just typed out all of this rather obsessively on the way home.

Aaand... After eating my tauhuey I feel like I'm the one who can't forgive myself, who feels too insecure. It's not the world.

OH ALRIGHT MARSHA stop caring too much.

Sigh quite emotionally tired right now. It's the feeling where you've got a lot of feelings but you don't really know who you are, and you don't know which feeling to focus on cos they're all equally strong.
Lots of work to do. Hopefully I'll be able to stay awake tonight and be productive with my work.
Sigh basically I'm quite screwed wrt workload
NO SLEEP
MARSHA YOU HATE TO SLEEP DON'T YOU

Was thinking to myself today that I should stop being so fixated on how I perform and instead focus on the meaning of what I'm learning. Had a moot today... it went well, except at the end the prof asked us *why on earth* didn't we consider a particular point. But after that the prof walked up to us and spoke to us in private about how we did... so it felt good, like we were actually learning stuff rather than just walking up to the front to be graded.
I *honestly* wouldn't mind if I graduated with the minimum required grade and actually genuinely understood the meaning of what I was learning. It's better than doing extremely well and then only remembering negative things about school.
Anyway, I was thinking about how with some people life feels so fake. You can't really sit back in the atmosphere with them. I'm not sure why. Meh. But you're forced to play along and smile-- well, you're actually having some fun, but at the same time half of you is wondering why the heck the other half of yourself is enjoying... itself. I guess it just means I don't fit in.
It's like what the catcher in the rye means, it means being somebody who wants to rescue children from the deep dark pit of adulthood, somebody who wants to preserve childhood innocence. It's really sad, because it's such an impossible task. And such a hateful task. That's why I didn't finish reading the catcher in the rye. But sometimes I feel like I'm going down that deep dark pit. I see the darkness gaping below me, and I think to myself-- why should I be afraid of the dark?-- and I walk on down with my mouth drawn in a grim line. But other times I stop and realize there's something repulsive about this darkness, and I try to walk back into the light, where there are all the things I know and hold dear.
That said. I'm not going to complain about my workload, that's so common, everybody's doing it.

---
Sigh basically yesterday was quite a bad day for me. I'm sure it showed during samba when we had our welcome tea and I had nothing to say for '3 interesting things about me' -.-
Sometimes I question why I'm still in it but I remember good things that people say. I remember my classmates telling me that it's really good to be in a club like that, because it's so spontaneous and they actually feel proud that it's an smu club. Things like that, I'll remember for a long time.
\somuchfeels.
Also life would be seriously depressing, crazy and meaningless if I weren't in it. I mean, I can't dedicate my whole vibrant youth to friggin' studying. That makes no sense whatsoever. Time waits for no one. Time waits for no one to have fun while they can.
okay time to prep for next presentation. lots of research to do probably.
this is bad, i don't have any family life at all.

what a rollercoaster of emotions i'm experiencing these few days.
good to say that right now i feel rather peaceful.
i've been obsessed with this harry potter mbti chart for the past 2 days. it just feels nice to know which ones your friends are, so it feels like the harry potter characters have come alive and you've just transported yourself in to the potter universe. it's really fun thinking of your friends as harry potter characters.

How strange and lovely it is that after spending 3 hours doing cca stuff
I feel a spot of happiness in me, spreading its tendrils and making me feel like I've got nothing in the world to worry about.
Stranger still when I recall how stressed I've been this week.
Stranger still when (frankly) I'm not actually close to anyone in my cca.
Now at least I feel the oomph and I can say that school is exciting, exhilarating, etc.
I feel young!
:)

Today... I realized I had that capacity to be a magnanimous person... twice. And I acted that way. I just needed to get this off my chest. I know, truly magnanimous people don't need to praise themselves. Just needed to ... sort of give myself a pat on the back. 'Cos no one will. No one gives magnanimous people pats on the back.

http://www.waitbutwhy.com/2013/09/why-generation-y-yuppies-are-unhappy.html?m=1
I'm not special.
I'm not special.
I'm not special.
Sure, I'm my own person, I am myself. But so is everyone.

This is surely some good advice: http://www.lawschoolzen.com/law-school-success/help-im-miserable-and-hate-law-school/ 

Felt 100% saturated today after spamming readings, then felt stressed after realizing I was just about 
20% through the reading list
On my way to meeting now.

Whoosh.

It's natural to be afraid...

And I quote, find yourself.

No I don't hate law school. It's just the name of the link.

All is well.

Generally in a bad mood on Monday mornings and everyone on the mrt looks like an eyesore.
Sigh but I need to think of more positive stuff.
I wish we all weren't so serious about ourselves. Clutching at ourselves like we were the only things in the world left that's worth our tiny grips. Truth is there's so much more that our hands can contain.
Ooh wow look I feel kinda inspired now haha click on this: 13 rules high-achievers never break.
Today my friends said I seem very stressed. Oh well.
要跟自己过得去
And you know you're being cowardly and childish when everyone and everything starts looking scary to you.
Really admire those people who had the courage to just up and go. It's not about academics. What I'm talking about is how I can sustain this lifestyle, and how I can live with myself feeling under the weather more often than usual. Cliched-ly put, it's more of a self-discovery thing.
I know I don't wanna up and go. Not sure why though. I think generally I see some hope.
It's like what I tell myself when I'm left with 1 more round around the track before I finish up my 2.4 km run, I'll just say, one more round, it can't hurt!
Well, now I tell myself, 2.5 more years, it can't hurt!
It's definitely not an accurate analogy, but another supporting reason is I've made it through 1 year doing fairly okay so why not give the rest a go. It's like, I've already run 1.6 km or so, and so what is 0.8 km more?
But a rational/motherly voice in my head is saying it's not as bad as I make it out to be so... I just need to let go of all these... fears.
It's not just fear though, it's more like a feeling that I know burn-out is coming. I know the lactic acid is building up. The negative energy. The vindictiveness, the annoyance I keep feeling at innocent people.
But I keep these nasty thoughts at bay. Because whenever I see people complaining about said topic on a public platform, I judge them so badly. It's just my instinctive reaction to go eew at them. So I try not to practice what I detest. It's okay if people complain to their friends though, I do that too.
Simply put, I feel like I need to go gym or go for cca. I need to see more friendly and genuine faces.

we live in a world of half-truths.
the only entity i can ever truly understand is myself.
but even so, i'm still trying to work myself out.
oh wait, i understand who and what my family is
i understand what friendship is
but even if i understand now, nothing is forever
and there's always more understanding to be done.
and i guess it shows a lot if we try to understand

-----
wow today was the most relaxing school day i've had since school started. lessons from 10-11.30, then went to find my mummy at JEM and shopped for a while. :) :D and now i've showered and i'm fresh as a daisy and i'm beginning on a whole new cycle of readings tonight.
and also class today was really interesting... gave me a whole new perspective. didn't get part of what was going on when it happened in class... but reached home and achieved some form of mini-enlightenment... ^^

here's a really chill song (that i first heard at my cip -.-) enjoy~

marsha marsha marsha.
drive all thought of sleeping from your mind.
what did i tell myself that day?
also
crazier weeks up ahead
i need to stop sleeping so much now
prepare for the storm
drive all thought of sleeping from your mind!

stop sleeping so much!
stop being a 千金小姐
probably no time to gym this week :(


I love UK!!!!! Melts.

Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just want to be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'll remember tonight for the rest of our lives.

:D yay

Feeling better today. More... Liberated I would say.
Don't live life in a box.
I think I 身在福中不知福。
Also is it just me or does school feel oppressive sometimes? Oh well, focus on the good stuff.

I hate to start my post off with this but... Mentioning GPA spoils my mood. Discussing it spoils the rest of my day. Discussing it a second time just makes my day shitty. A third time... Just makes me wanna flip the table or do something explosive like that. Yes, it popped up in 3 different conversations with different people today. Although I admit I initiated the 3rd conversation. But... what the. It just goes to show how friggin' stressed all of us are. Even if we don't wanna admit it.

I just don't wanna be reminded of the burden I'm carrying. It's probably the heaviest burden I've had in my life. Relative to others, this 'burden' is so small that it's laughable. I can imagine eyeballs rolling right now. Including my own. But. I guess if I think about its implications on my career... Well let's not go there. Of course, of course, of course there are other much heavier burdens in life that are unthinkable to narrow-minded, sheltered me. 

Even though today was shitty, and even though my workload is mentally draining,

I think life for the first two weeks of school have treated me well so far. Objectively speaking. I'm still fairly up-to-date with my readings. Shitty class part but... whatever for now.

It's just all the angst I'm pouring towards myself that's making it shitty.

I need to loosen those fists in my heart. And it's not just academic-related fists. It's just... fists for everything. I wish I were a freshie and I could face everything cheerfully and bravely again without having to put on an act of bravado like I think I'm doing to almost everyone around me and sometimes even myself. Yet without these acts of bravado I don't think I'd last a day without crying or throwing a major tantrum.

I need to change this. I can't feel like I'm carrying the world on my shoulders for the next 13 weeks of the semester. 

Yeah, I need to relax those grips I've strapped around myself. 

But i need to find the handles of the straps first. It's hard to find them.

Sometimes the only way to find yourself is to get lost. Well, I feel quite lost now.

So after a shower... I guess I've found that elusive handle that I can pull to loosen those straps.
I just lack that basic self-confidence that most adults have. I don't trust myself to clean up my own shit because I've always had someone to help me clean up. I'm not used to being on my own in this world.
Well, I just need that leap of faith to start trusting myself more and to enjoy the value of what I'm learning. There was a point in class today when I just happened to stop asking myself when I was gonna class part, because there was something interesting in what the Prof just said. I think if I relaxed more I'd probably spot more interesting stuff about my lessons. And probably be happier at the same time. Ikr, I'm putting too much pressure on myself. Who the heck is so obsessed with class part? I think I must be one of the most stressed up people in law school. Or so it seems? *significant look*
For the past 12 years of schooling I don't think I've ever learnt how to trust myself or have that confidence in myself. It's something that's never been taught, in our schools' quest for, oh, instilling excellence and producing yet another batch of stellar students. I know I sound ungrateful. But I'm not making a totally exaggerated statement. I think it stems from going through 12 years of thinking I was part of the creme de la creme (oh what bullshit) and that I had nothing much to lose. So I'll  qualify my ungrateful statement with this-- I guess trust and confidence in myself cannot be taught. It can only be found within myself.
So yes, I need that leap of faith.
It's not a big leap.
To leap, I first need to let go of my grip. Let go of what's in those fists... and I'll land up somewhere else... probably in a better state of mind.
Also I guess everyone comes to a point in life where they realize the same thing as I do now. That they don't have enough trust and confidence in themselves. It's just a matter of time. Now I wish I had done worse at school last time... like failed everything and had to go for remedial lessons... and had a teacher tell me something like 'I'll be thankful if you can just pass this test for once'. My teachers always had nothing to say to me. I thought that was a good thing... but now I realize there's more to it.
Judge me all you want. You're probably thinking something like-- wah see la you never do badly before that's why now so emo. I know what you're thinking. But it's just a phase that I haven't gone through and need to go through now. And I'd totally understand if you feel like reading this was a waste of your time, really.
Also I've realized I really hate discussing my academics with anyone. Yes, even my family. Let this be an implied request.
And to myself: What's the meaning of life if you want to measure everything, or compare everything, instead of finding a meaning that genuinely fills your soul up?
I still remember the days when I genuinely loved what I was studying... I want to bring that feeling back. And for giving me that feeling, I'm grateful to my school even if I might have sounded otherwise earlier. Oh and of course I'm grateful to my mum. Oh and my brother.
Here's a snapshot of myself right now... not totally accurate though...you need to do one more thing...just imagine a pile of readings next to me...

By the way that's Grumpy Cat, if you didn't already know.

Maybe it's time to quench that rage I've been feeling. :/

Also this is making me quite happy ahaha

I've got pompholyx! It means tiny water-filled lumps on my fingers that are itchy. Googled it today. Apparently it can be caused by stress (or moisture, or detergents, etc.). It must be the stress.
:/



But at least I have some chill music and a nice view out the window to do some readings to. As well as that UK radio station that I like to listen to.

Also I don't get my prop law readings. T_T :'( Who the heck writes like that?
Decided to eat pau for dinner and asked my mum to help me buy. But turns out all the buns were SOUR. Oh goodness. :( :( :(
:(

Feeling extremely restless now and I know I'll pay for it later with a long night of mugging as well as a panic attack.
Just wanna be a mean person and say that... Yesterday I couldn't stand how he kept going on and on with his fluffy nonsense. Some people just have the ability to talk in paragraphs when a sentence would have gotten the point across equally well. I guess they love the sound of their voice and like to feel like they are making a difference (when they totally aren't). Got really impatient, plus I was running late already. Also I'd like to say that I don't respect people even though they're in a position of leadership, if they don't lead well. They might have a great vision and be responsible, but they could also suck at enforcing their rules, and suck at delivering their message, and suck at their EQ. And although I might follow these instructions, I do so without conviction in my heart. Bleh! Feeling pissed. But it doesn't matter to anyone, does it? Even if it matters, no one will give a shit. Life goes on and I have to move on too or I'll get left behind. It's better to move ahead and be miserable rather than get left behind and still be miserable.
I just feel like I've been shutting a lot of doors to my heart recently. Bam. Bam. Bam. No one can get in but me. Ha. I thought I could follow the 'doors of opportunity' saying, and open a door somewhere else where another door closed, but no. It seems like the doors of my heart remain shut except for a precious few moments where they open for a short moment. I don't think I'm being petty or childish. Everyone else's doors are pretty much shut too. Locked, even.
>( >( >(
Just let me throw a tantrum on my blog cos I rarely do it.
I also get really annoyed when somebody says something not very clear and expects me to get it. When I don't get it, they say: Eh you law student ah?
It's happened a few times already. Glad to say it's only happened with 2 'friends'. Emphasis on the inverted commas.
SORRY I'M TO BLAME FOR YOUR LACK OF COMMUNICATION SKILLS AND FOR ALL YOUR SHORTCOMINGS.
Sigh I feel super pissed now.
------
I half-wish I had gotten into another section.
I wish I could be more efficient with my readings. Goodbye.
*horrible mood* *is it that time of month*

Feeling really tired today... all I wanna do is just stone and listen to OneRepublic's songs.
But
I
Can't!

I am feeling confused and tired right now.
But anyway I think it would do me some good to try to bring my level of self-pity down, because growing up requires you to just face things and move on.
Be fearless.
Hardest thing for me to do right now is to be shameless. But really, why not?
Easiest thing for me to do right now is go to sleep. Goodnight!

So I guess I've been a little too grumpy
and maybe a bit self-absorbed.
Some people are strange
Can't make sense of them at all
Maybe I should leave them alone.
But other than that
I think the circumstances are right for me to have a good time.
^_^
Had McDonald's for lunch today and a half-hour snooze after that. Maybe that's why I'm so cheerful now. :)

开心点，对自己好一些。
发觉到我的同学大多数都看起来很累,很sian, 也有一些沮丧。我也不例外。哇，这样子过日子，不知道能碍多久。
做人道理：高兴一些，对自己多一点自信，应该会让身边的人对你好一些。
睡觉啦不要再说无聊话了。来不及读完书，还想谈大道理，真是有点不对劲。

don't need to sleep already lah.
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality.

今天感觉有点像老人般一样累，一样满足；又有点像年轻人一样有冲劲，想征服我的功课。
今天早上... 我有些担心，血压也好像顿时升高。可是现在傍晚时分...我觉得今天是开心的一天。
又发觉到有些人的心胸一点狭窄。可是不关我的事。
刚刚才发觉到自己也心胸狭窄，所以才能有这种想法。

Read an article in a school newsletter and here's a paragraph that caught my eye:
I’m overgeneralizing a little but classes with ready-formed groups seem a little guarded, slightly hostile. Maybe I’m the only one who thinks that. I get where people are coming from though. If I had my friends around me, I wouldn’t bother speaking to the person who came alone either.

Oh YES, I agree! Sigh I can totally see why law classes feel so uptight and unfriendly now. Okay, no one is unfriendly on the outset, everyone smiles, everyone says hi, everyone makes small talk. But deep down inside we just don't want anything more to do with each other. Okay, I'm guilty of that too, I form my groups early on sometimes. Okay, I'm unfriendly. I can think of a few people who don't do that, though, and I think they are nice. I'm not nice.

Also yesterday I felt like the dumbest person in class. I think I didn't read something in detail and the prof went through it in detail, and everyone could answer his questions. So I was kind of panicking in my seat.

Sigh. I. need. to. relax. a. little.
No I need to stop distracting myself and go prepare for my class later.
AND I need to stop stressing myself out (even though I don't get my reading materials and week 2's materials are zooming in).

PFFFT I think I'll go crazy without my cca.

Suddenly felt damn scared about whether I will be able to pull up my grades this sem. Turn of events made me wonder. I think I've been too nice and too naive. Previously I posted that I'll rely on myself lots this semester, and I'm starting to feel it now. It's not just relying on myself, it's also tanking other people. I guess the previous 2 semesters were quite lovely in comparison and have done nothing to prepare me for this sense of floating.
I really should stop running away from reality-- sleeping so much, gymming, cca. I guess I could keep the gymming. Sleep must go away. Cca can be done in moderation-- don't go for so many gigs.
ohmygosh
:(

No... there's reality... and there's me... we seem to exist on separate planes.
argh...

今天我发觉了一件事。以前，在工作方面，我太感情用事了。渐渐的，尤其是今天，我发觉到没有人会理会我这小人物的感情。我心里不会含有任何抱怨，因为抱怨没有用，反而可能是自己过于敏感，过于任性了。小时候是家里的公主，人见人爱；在外，只不过是另一个不起眼而又娇生惯养的女孩。不要抱怨，不如相信自己，也不要那么依赖或信任别人了。自己好好做事就应该心满意足了。一定要用功。有点埋怨自己为什么现在才学到这个事实。
Okay I think there are definitely some grammatical errors in my Chinese but I'm not sure how to correct them :P but I think it's still understandable. After looking through my post i even feel that my broken chinese conveys my thoughts very accurately. English just doesn't have the same ring to it. Anyway, that was but a small part of my first day. Other realisations include: accounting is not my area of interest, and also I need to sleep earlier on Sunday nights because I was falling asleep during accounting.
Also I just realized that even though I love blogging, the same principle as mentioned above applies as well-- not many people give a shit what I blog. Just a reality check for myself.

Chalet after convocation!
Convocation was fun but a pity the performance only lasted for 3 minutes.
Chalet was boring all the way until the bbq started. The farewell for seniors was really emotional though. Lots of laughter and then they started crying. :) It was nice bathing in that sort of atmosphere.
Noticed how I don't feel for my section at all; at least not the people who were there. Also noticed how the seniors didn't feel emotional about our section per se but more for the general memories. I don't really like my section except for my batch's girls and it seems like they don't like our section either. We managed to converge together to take a photo though, and we went off to other people after that. But it's okay! Cos I like other people and I also liked the celebratory atmosphere yesterday. Had lots of fun toasting marshmallows to squishy perfection. I liked how I only toasted 1 stick of marshmallows for myself, but other people were like 'LET'S TOAST 5 STICKS AT ONE GO!!!' and they gave out the toasted marshmallows to other people. It's just nice to see other people being so generous and having fun at it, while I snigger at my own seeming selfishness.
My section's senior drove us to Pasir Ris mrt after that and I felt vaguely irritated by 2 people; they aren't very nice people honestly. Okay but the time has come for me to stop saying all these petty things out loud, because there's so much more to say and so much more to be happy about. And I hope my blog remains quite private cos I didn't broadcast my url anywhere.
Then I went home to sleep for 11 hours since I couldn't sleep during chalet @@
And here I am.
School's starting tomorrow. Uhm. Nothing to say for this one. Bye!

Feeling surreal right now-- I'm in a chalet on the easternmost tip of Singapore doing my readings at 5.45 am. Cos I can't sleep-- no comfy blankie, no bolster, no pillow. Jialat. Anyway I feel quite awake cos my sleeping time's over. My brain seems 2 times slower though. Trying to type without any sound.
Anyway, takeaway of summer--
'Why so serious?'
I think my childhood and teenagehood were both too serious. I do feel the effects-- I feel like a wooden block compared to some of my friends.

Slept for 5 plus hours last night. Drastic change for me who is used to at least 8 hours of sleep a night. Felt a huge difference in my energy level, and wondered how I weathered my way through semester 2 with all morning lessons and samba at night.
*pats self on back. lol. I guess it's all about conditioning.
Woohoo to more 6-hour nights! *masochist mode on*

SO! I'm gonna be a chiongster tonight! Cos I only have Sunday left to myself before school starts. Friday is convocation rehearsal + performance, friday night + saturday is chalet with samba.
I do the strangest things-- right now it's going for chalet even though it's in changi and even though I could use the time for rest + doing my readings.
My mum looked distressed. But sorry mum :( I couldn't resist ending my holidays with a bit of cheer. :(
OKAY CHIONG WORK.
Supposed to chionging like a machine but I chanced upon this video and it has a nice, feel-good storyline. :)



okay back to machine mode :o

Okay I think I'll call it a day.
Felt pissed today at a remark my friend made. It was a really insensitive remark. To you, it's a shortcoming I have but ultimately that's just the way I am, and I've survived 20 years of being myself (and also thanks to my mummy mainly), so do respect my existence. Then again I realize that I seem to have an extraordinarily high tolerance for many people's existences and their obnoxious shortcomings, so I can't expect the same from others who don't share my level of tolerance.
But in the end I decided that if people in general can piss me off so regularly, it's gonna be quite bad for my health and mental welfare. So I'll just try to let go as much as I can and focus on
MY READINGS
MY READINGS
MY READINGS
Read a post from a classmate on facebook, about his unusual taxi ride. Anyway, what hit me most was that the cab driver told him-- ;do you really want to be a lawyer and put in all those hours working at the office? Your parents will grow older.'
Sigh. Do I really want to? Uni life is already sapping away lots of my family time, and if I become a lawyer it's just gonna get worse.
What if... I just take the bar exam after I graduate
and leave the law profession?
(Okay, just a wild thought, I'm sure there are other options)

This blogpost waste time only lah I shall go sleep. -.-

So I woke up at 9 am today.

还记得年少的我有多么天真，多么目中无人，多么幼稚.

But of course I'm still young, so I'm still somewhat of those things. 

Okay I was just reading and I started reminiscing about the past 2 semesters.

wednesday thursday friday rehearsal
saturday outing. hopefully i'll leave earlier
EVERYDAY I'LL WAKE UP AT 6 AM TO DO READINGS
EVERYDAY I'LL WAKE UP AT 6 AM TO DO READINGS
EVERYDAY I'LL WAKE UP AT 6 AM TO DO READINGS
EVERYDAY I'LL WAKE UP AT 6 AM TO DO READINGS
EVERYDAY I'LL WAKE UP AT 6 AM TO DO READINGS
EVERYDAY I'LL WAKE UP AT 6 AM TO DO READINGS

Asked myself a few times tonight whether I made the right choice in studying law. Bleh. Shrugs. I'll never know the answer to that question. Then I remembered an article I saw on facebook that day-- it went something like 'don't bother finding the right decision, make the decision right for yourself instead'. Alright then. Work in progress.

Met a classmate today who chatted with me about my summer and life in school and cca and whether she should join one. She broke in halfway and said: 'You look very happy, I'm happy for you!' Interesting. Interesting to realize what actually makes me smile.

So on that more cheerful note I'll continue reading again.
Siao leh got so many chapters to read then only 2.5 more days to myself at home. the rest of the days used up for rehearsals. maybe i should wake up early at 6 am. Siao liao.

(Somehow I think english can't portray my angst, so I switched to singlish)

Oh shit.

That moment when I discover someone I know I'll always respect. (Although I don't even know that person.) And who at the same time makes me feel rather small and empty, because what else am I but an aimless child wandering the earth? I don't seek to change the world, I only seek to survive and protect myself and the few things I treasure.
So I really applaud those who have the guts to reach out to people and try to create some positive change in the world on a large scale. I don't believe that I can create a positive change. Oh no, that sounds really depressing for a young person like me to say.  Okay, maybe not yet, when I don't know what I wanna change yet. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm doing what I'm doing.
I read a status on confessions today about how smu students should stop being so fixated on their gpa, and focus on learning the value of the courses we take. Yeah I guess. In year 1 sem 1 I was more into the learning itself and really loving it. Now I'm just an insecure student worrying about her gpa. Now that I've realised it, it feels like I've been caught in a trap all along. Gotta get out of it.
Feeling so restless right now. Had vague temptations to hurl the objects in my hands against the wall a few times today. Don't worry, I think it's just the inactivity-- all the sitting and the slouching on the couch. Need to get out of the house.

ANOTHER THING. In my notes: "...John Dewey's observation that irritation is the starting point of thought as well as the first sign of life." Maybe that's why I sometimes feel irritated when doing my readings.

Gonna sound really childish now...
But last night I had a dream in which I forgot to pay my school fees, and somehow I got confused about whether it was in Korean won or in Sing dollars. But anyway I didn't have enough money in my wallet so I ran to the ATM to get some money, but the ATM was really far, so I ran, but I couldn't run fast enough cos some strange wind was pushing me back... anyway I got to the ATM which had a queue, so I ran to the next nearest ATM BUT couldn't find it, so I ran back to the first one. And got the money. And then forgot how much the school fees were and felt pissed.

Guess this is my mind signalling to me discreetly that I should get myself to study.

Grown-up self to childish self: stop whining it's not such a big deal just open the documents and start reading.

Something nice to listen to. But it can't get rid of all that unease in my heart now.


I'm such a kid. All this whining.
>:(

I think... I've always known how to get away from people.
But I've never learnt how to live with myself.

By the way I felt a rush of excitement just now when I thought about our convoc performance attire, and what I could do with it. Haha. :D

Also it's high time to start opening those books.

School is starting soon, in 1.5 weeks time. Checked out the readings list for a single module today, and it's insanely long. I feel so distant from everyone who's not in law school. They can never understand this. Okay, they could, but it's hard to. Suddenly everything comes crashing down on me: juggling readings and going for cca practices (which can get quite time wasting occasionally), and all the days last semester when I probed for the reason why I was still in samba, and all the times I was constantly highly-strung. Come to think of it I already felt distant from everyone last semester. I craved that chill time with friends a lot. Maybe too much. But friends cannot be neglected... And neither can my welfare. But I guess I should first get used to this distance I'm feeling between myself and everyone.
Hmm... Just two words to sum up: I'm nervous.
But I chose this lifestyle. And I didn't care if I was gonna be nervous or not when I chose it a year ago. So I guess I'm just over thinking things right now, as usual. Just some WISE decisions and action should take care of things.

Saw a Facebook status that day that bashed the attitudes of elitist people. Gist of it was that people who have the privilege to go to good schools and have time to dream of going to even better universities should not look down on other people who don't have the time or good fortune to have dreams like theirs.
Okay, legit.
But people should not be too quick to generalise. Whether or not a person is hateful doesn't depend on how privileged he is. I can think of people who are hateful regardless of how privileged they are.
Angst aside, I guess my point in saying all that is to remove myself from the battle and to tear away any labels that have stuck with me.
If I were more childish I would say: I hate people. But today I know better. It's just human nature: we all secretly dislike certain people but are forced by circumstance to see them or work with them. I guess today I would say, I'm tired and I need some time away from people.
And I did today. I visited a basement studio with my friends and played the piano with them. Okay, they are people. But they are nice people.
不埋怨别人，只觉得自己以前太依赖别人，太相信别人的好了。

Today my friends who were more acquainted with physics told me that the bridge-shaking phenomenon we experienced during Sambatida is called 'resonant vibration'. And it is said that there was once an army which marched across a bridge, and it collapsed, because the soldiers were marching to the same beat and the bridge shook so much that it collapsed.
So it is common for armies to stagger their marching so that resonant vibration doesn't occur and the bridge doesn't collapse.
:O So if our band had been bigger, and if we had STOMPED our way through the song...
:OOOOO
Slightly creeped out.
But it's a damn cool thing to say imo. Haha.

Watched Hell's Kitchen that day with my bro. It's not very entertaining though... the only entertainment is Gordon Ramsay throwing fits of rage and swearing. There was once he called a guy 'dickface!' and the guy retorted 'okay sir, but I'm not dickface!' Ramsay immediately gave him a scolding right to his face (yes, like 1 cm away from his face) and shouted 'Don't get all sensitive with me!'
Hmm. Decided that I have really been very sensitive. So I'll reduce those purposeless, senseless tirades. Realized that the best thing to do is to just move forward with no hesitation at all.
And it's strange how I've learnt something from a vulgar chef.