I'm feeling sick today cos I'm in danger of sneezing every minute. And I'm feeling sick of people. Thank goodness I met up with Yun and Cheryl for lunch (and Chloe soon after) or today would have been an utterly miserable day.
I live in a world where goodness is taken for granted and 'badness' is not forgiven nor forgotten. What is badness anyway?
Where people don't bother to see who you are beneath your appearance or try to understand your actions. Where the worst is assumed. Where nobody gives a shit whether you exist. Where everything 'bad' you do is judged and probably gossiped about.
It's a world which remembers and bears grudges.
And I'm part of this world. I share its characteristics. I see myself for who I am and I'm not impressed. But I'm not impressed with the world either.
One thing helps though. I understand myself. I can't say I have the same degree of understanding for the world I live in.
And what hurts is that this world contains things and relationships I care about. But they all disappoint. I've learnt to halve my expectations, but it seems like my expectations have to go lower still. I'm becoming a cynical and jaded lady. A lady who has changed a lot from who she was last year. But I understand why the changes happened.
I see things differently from many people. I know a few who see things the same way as i do, and I hope they stay this way. But I can't say for sure because change is a constant.
Of course the world I'm talking about is not the world at home. Home is a sanctuary. School is kind of a halfway house between home and real world. And the place I'm talking about it closer to the real world than any other place.
Sigh I really feel like my life is missing something. It's missing its calling, mission, purpose, whatever.
Then again why do I have such a romanticised view of life? You do what you're supposed to do here. What you love to do isn't valued in this society.

To be fair, I haven't seen all the best things this world has to offer. Neither have I seen the worst. But choy.

I just bought tau huey from mr bean and I know my sick-and-sick-of-people vibe just rubbed off on the mr bean vendor.

Oops.

Well, at least I know the effects aren't for long.

And with that... I guess I've cheered up a bit. You might be a little amazed at the fact that I just typed out all of this rather obsessively on the way home.

Aaand... After eating my tauhuey I feel like I'm the one who can't forgive myself, who feels too insecure. It's not the world.

OH ALRIGHT MARSHA stop caring too much.