I just don't wanna be reminded of the burden I'm carrying. It's probably the heaviest burden I've had in my life. Relative to others, this 'burden' is so small that it's laughable. I can imagine eyeballs rolling right now. Including my own. But. I guess if I think about its implications on my career... Well let's not go there. Of course, of course, of course there are other much heavier burdens in life that are unthinkable to narrow-minded, sheltered me.
Even though today was shitty, and even though my workload is mentally draining,
I think life for the first two weeks of school have treated me well so far. Objectively speaking. I'm still fairly up-to-date with my readings. Shitty class part but... whatever for now.
It's just all the angst I'm pouring towards myself that's making it shitty.
I need to loosen those fists in my heart. And it's not just academic-related fists. It's just... fists for everything. I wish I were a freshie and I could face everything cheerfully and bravely again without having to put on an act of bravado like I think I'm doing to almost everyone around me and sometimes even myself. Yet without these acts of bravado I don't think I'd last a day without crying or throwing a major tantrum.
I need to change this. I can't feel like I'm carrying the world on my shoulders for the next 13 weeks of the semester.
Yeah, I need to relax those grips I've strapped around myself.
But i need to find the handles of the straps first. It's hard to find them.
Sometimes the only way to find yourself is to get lost. Well, I feel quite lost now.
So after a shower... I guess I've found that elusive handle that I can pull to loosen those straps.
I just lack that basic self-confidence that most adults have. I don't trust myself to clean up my own shit because I've always had someone to help me clean up. I'm not used to being on my own in this world.
Well, I just need that leap of faith to start trusting myself more and to enjoy the value of what I'm learning. There was a point in class today when I just happened to stop asking myself when I was gonna class part, because there was something interesting in what the Prof just said. I think if I relaxed more I'd probably spot more interesting stuff about my lessons. And probably be happier at the same time. Ikr, I'm putting too much pressure on myself. Who the heck is so obsessed with class part? I think I must be one of the most stressed up people in law school. Or so it seems? *significant look*
For the past 12 years of schooling I don't think I've ever learnt how to trust myself or have that confidence in myself. It's something that's never been taught, in our schools' quest for, oh, instilling excellence and producing yet another batch of stellar students. I know I sound ungrateful. But I'm not making a totally exaggerated statement. I think it stems from going through 12 years of thinking I was part of the creme de la creme (oh what bullshit) and that I had nothing much to lose. So I'll qualify my ungrateful statement with this-- I guess trust and confidence in myself cannot be taught. It can only be found within myself.
So yes, I need that leap of faith.
It's not a big leap.
To leap, I first need to let go of my grip. Let go of what's in those fists... and I'll land up somewhere else... probably in a better state of mind.
Also I guess everyone comes to a point in life where they realize the same thing as I do now. That they don't have enough trust and confidence in themselves. It's just a matter of time. Now I wish I had done worse at school last time... like failed everything and had to go for remedial lessons... and had a teacher tell me something like 'I'll be thankful if you can just pass this test for once'. My teachers always had nothing to say to me. I thought that was a good thing... but now I realize there's more to it.
Judge me all you want. You're probably thinking something like-- wah see la you never do badly before that's why now so emo. I know what you're thinking. But it's just a phase that I haven't gone through and need to go through now. And I'd totally understand if you feel like reading this was a waste of your time, really.
Also I've realized I really hate discussing my academics with anyone. Yes, even my family. Let this be an implied request.
And to myself: What's the meaning of life if you want to measure everything, or compare everything, instead of finding a meaning that genuinely fills your soul up?
I still remember the days when I genuinely loved what I was studying... I want to bring that feeling back. And for giving me that feeling, I'm grateful to my school even if I might have sounded otherwise earlier. Oh and of course I'm grateful to my mum. Oh and my brother.
Here's a snapshot of myself right now... not totally accurate though...you need to do one more thing...just imagine a pile of readings next to me...
By the way that's Grumpy Cat, if you didn't already know.
So after a shower... I guess I've found that elusive handle that I can pull to loosen those straps.
I just lack that basic self-confidence that most adults have. I don't trust myself to clean up my own shit because I've always had someone to help me clean up. I'm not used to being on my own in this world.
Well, I just need that leap of faith to start trusting myself more and to enjoy the value of what I'm learning. There was a point in class today when I just happened to stop asking myself when I was gonna class part, because there was something interesting in what the Prof just said. I think if I relaxed more I'd probably spot more interesting stuff about my lessons. And probably be happier at the same time. Ikr, I'm putting too much pressure on myself. Who the heck is so obsessed with class part? I think I must be one of the most stressed up people in law school. Or so it seems? *significant look*
For the past 12 years of schooling I don't think I've ever learnt how to trust myself or have that confidence in myself. It's something that's never been taught, in our schools' quest for, oh, instilling excellence and producing yet another batch of stellar students. I know I sound ungrateful. But I'm not making a totally exaggerated statement. I think it stems from going through 12 years of thinking I was part of the creme de la creme (oh what bullshit) and that I had nothing much to lose. So I'll qualify my ungrateful statement with this-- I guess trust and confidence in myself cannot be taught. It can only be found within myself.
So yes, I need that leap of faith.
It's not a big leap.
To leap, I first need to let go of my grip. Let go of what's in those fists... and I'll land up somewhere else... probably in a better state of mind.
Also I guess everyone comes to a point in life where they realize the same thing as I do now. That they don't have enough trust and confidence in themselves. It's just a matter of time. Now I wish I had done worse at school last time... like failed everything and had to go for remedial lessons... and had a teacher tell me something like 'I'll be thankful if you can just pass this test for once'. My teachers always had nothing to say to me. I thought that was a good thing... but now I realize there's more to it.
Judge me all you want. You're probably thinking something like-- wah see la you never do badly before that's why now so emo. I know what you're thinking. But it's just a phase that I haven't gone through and need to go through now. And I'd totally understand if you feel like reading this was a waste of your time, really.
Also I've realized I really hate discussing my academics with anyone. Yes, even my family. Let this be an implied request.
And to myself: What's the meaning of life if you want to measure everything, or compare everything, instead of finding a meaning that genuinely fills your soul up?
I still remember the days when I genuinely loved what I was studying... I want to bring that feeling back. And for giving me that feeling, I'm grateful to my school even if I might have sounded otherwise earlier. Oh and of course I'm grateful to my mum. Oh and my brother.
Here's a snapshot of myself right now... not totally accurate though...you need to do one more thing...just imagine a pile of readings next to me...
By the way that's Grumpy Cat, if you didn't already know.
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