Was thinking to myself today that I should stop being so fixated on how I perform and instead focus on the meaning of what I'm learning. Had a moot today... it went well, except at the end the prof asked us *why on earth* didn't we consider a particular point. But after that the prof walked up to us and spoke to us in private about how we did... so it felt good, like we were actually learning stuff rather than just walking up to the front to be graded.
I *honestly* wouldn't mind if I graduated with the minimum required grade and actually genuinely understood the meaning of what I was learning. It's better than doing extremely well and then only remembering negative things about school.
Anyway, I was thinking about how with some people life feels so fake. You can't really sit back in the atmosphere with them. I'm not sure why. Meh. But you're forced to play along and smile-- well, you're actually having some fun, but at the same time half of you is wondering why the heck the other half of yourself is enjoying... itself. I guess it just means I don't fit in.
It's like what the catcher in the rye means, it means being somebody who wants to rescue children from the deep dark pit of adulthood, somebody who wants to preserve childhood innocence. It's really sad, because it's such an impossible task. And such a hateful task. That's why I didn't finish reading the catcher in the rye. But sometimes I feel like I'm going down that deep dark pit. I see the darkness gaping below me, and I think to myself-- why should I be afraid of the dark?-- and I walk on down with my mouth drawn in a grim line. But other times I stop and realize there's something repulsive about this darkness, and I try to walk back into the light, where there are all the things I know and hold dear.
That said. I'm not going to complain about my workload, that's so common, everybody's doing it.

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Sigh basically yesterday was quite a bad day for me. I'm sure it showed during samba when we had our welcome tea and I had nothing to say for '3 interesting things about me' -.-
Sometimes I question why I'm still in it but I remember good things that people say. I remember my classmates telling me that it's really good to be in a club like that, because it's so spontaneous and they actually feel proud that it's an smu club. Things like that, I'll remember for a long time.
\somuchfeels.
Also life would be seriously depressing, crazy and meaningless if I weren't in it. I mean, I can't dedicate my whole vibrant youth to friggin' studying. That makes no sense whatsoever. Time waits for no one. Time waits for no one to have fun while they can.
okay time to prep for next presentation. lots of research to do probably.
this is bad, i don't have any family life at all.