Feeling a bit sian now, so it's time for reflecting on 2011! Actually reflecting is a bit useless since my reflections will change everyday. But still, here goes. Maybe I'll have 12 talking points since it's going to be 2012. It's going to be boring, please skip it, it's for personal entertainment. Unless you are bored now, then maybe you deserve more boring stuff to read, so you can read on if you want.

1) I realized that I have two rather extreme personalities: right now I guess my personality is the opposite of how I was feeling yesterday and two days ago, which was when I was feeling very sociable.

2) My brother is cute. Really. I've only recently started to take a good look at him and I realized that he's cute. But he just whacked me. I guess you have to take the bad with the good.

3) I feel that good education is a double-edged sword: I know it's a huge privilege to be able to study like that in Singapore. But this highly-polished education has developed some characteristics that I don't really admire in myself. 

But oh well, let's all love ourselves and stop disliking ourselves.

4) I dislike prolonged social activity (not more than 3 consecutive days). So if I don't treat you as well as I usually do, doesn't mean I don't like you. It means I'm tired.

5) I'd like to have stars on my ceiling, like in Hogwarts. Then I can stargaze in my HDB flat. This is called maximizing space, which is hot stuff in Singapore.

6) I'm afraid of obligations.

7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12) I am young.

This hamster looks like it has an attitude.

If something absurd is going on, you are likely to be correct if you attribute it to crowd mentality.

I think I suffer from mild schizophrenia. I don't switch personalities by the minute, hour or day, but by the year/month. I think I have two different personalities.
Because today I got home, and started planning what I'd do to play the rest of the day away. Where did this playful me come from? Just months ago I was such a serious person.
I read something on tumblr. It went something like, "You can never be as young as you were a second ago." That really got me sitting up. So, to pay tribute to this sentence:

Weather update: My stomach is growling.

So today I went for NUH attachment Day One. I'm sure right now there's a question in your head: why? Since I've flatly refused to apply for medicine. I guess the only benefit of me helping out there at zero cost is that it messes with my mind. That's not necessarily a bad thing, because when your mind has been too ordered for a long time (i.e. while preparing for A levels), it can be good to mess it up a little. (Actually, Day One wasn't really "helping out". I really just slacked there. I hope this slacking doesn't last...)
---
I realize that maybe throughout my 12 years of education I've grown to love my grades more than I do myself. It is a chilling thought. But it feels good to know that I can do more to treat myself better now.

I felt like I had a lot of things to blog about, but I think blogging will reduce my amount of talking, which is unhealthy. So, zip!

My brother showed me this article: http://www.todayonline.com/Voices/EDC111226-0000019/Disparity-in-tertiary-education-facilities#.TvfagqyflYU.facebook
Read it yourself.
And then... I will share my thoughts!

When I first read it I generally agreed with the writer, but I felt there was something wrong with his article although I couldn't pinpoint it immediately.
After a while I read it again (as well as the comments) and found out why I didn't sit so comfortably with the author's argument. I realized that I was guilty of elitism! Firstly, I didn't realize that it was wrong to say that "the best and brightest students" are not found in ITE. Of course, "best" and "brightest" are subjective terms and are unfair when used carelessly like in his article. It is not fair to compare who is the best when the type of education received is totally different. If you throw me in ITE I don't think I'd do very well; for one thing, I'm clumsy and blur and I rarely do technical work.
But you can't really blame me for not spotting the error immediately, right? All my life I've grown up in a tight, small social circle and I rarely mix with people not from my school (because frankly the only place I've gone to is school. Except for that one time I was at NUH and we met some students from polytechnic. That's all.)
And it is hard to spot the mistake when the author uses meritocracy to support his argument. Sure, Singapore swears by meritocracy. But it is dangerous when meritocracy is measured with a singular scale, with ITE at the bottom, followed by polytechnics, followed by JCs. Who should really be at the top of this scale? Should it really be measured by educational background? So, it's unfair and narrow-minded to label JC students as the "best and brightest". It is easy to make this mistake since we are JC students ourselves.
Yup, there's my response. On a rather related note, elitism is part of what fuelled the mindless massacre of Jews during World War II. This is how dangerous elitism can be. We shouldn't let it fester in our minds! I mention this because I visited the concentration camp at Auschwitz during my holiday. :)
In the next post maybe, I'll talk more about my trip...

Currently sitting on a chair in a hotel room in Prague, Czech! It's really thanks to my aunts and uncle that I can even holiday here. East europe is beautiful beyond words; all I can do is stare and revolve 360 degrees wherever I go and take lots and lots of photos. :) Even their houses are pretty! ( that was in Berlin) I think of Singaporean architecture and shake my head. The tour guide is a very interesting character. He reminds me of Aunty Lucy. (he just doesn't flick his head every second.) I finally found wifi today and hooked myself onto the Singaporean network on Facebook and suddenly felt closer home. :')

Bye Singapore! I'm flying to eastern Europe. Back on 23rd. Prom was great, I wouldnt mind going for a thousand more proms :)

I've finally decided that I'll just apply to one US university. Compromising between my laziness and my obligations to teachers. 

Still, it's no mean feat. 

"Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence." (maybe I'll fangirl about 2cellos)

And the other one: "Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study."

Boring essays aside...

Sometimes it is heartwarming to know that there are so many people that care for you. Sometimes it's also frustrating to know that there are so many people who are concerned about you. The attention and the resultant lack of privacy can be suffocating. I ever wondered how it would be like if I were one of many siblings fighting for attention from their elder relatives. At least I'd have more freedom.

But what is privacy and freedom? The lines that define these two are so malleable. I could replace the seeming "lack of privacy" and "lack of freedom" with obligations, with my responsibility to treat people who care for me as nicely as I can. 

It's just like how "cool" is such a meaningless word. I use it when referring to things that I like, that's all. But no one can define what "cool" means. (Try wikipedia)

It's all a matter of preference.

Sometimes there is a question at the tip of my tongue that I want to ask my mum, but then something stops me and a voice in my head says, "Don't ask that, I've grown up". It's happening more often. I wish it had started happening earlier.
Okay, actually, I'm here because I'm procrastinating. I don't know how to make a particular decision! I know I've been very attracted by the idea of studying overseas for a long time, but every other day I change my mind and change it back again! Don't read on if you don't want to hear me weigh the pros and cons of going overseas. Go on to Facebook or Youtube or whatever dubious websites you might visit.

This is a very sweet song :3


I don't want to go overseas because
1) I don't want to spend my holidays writing common app essays (there's 3 to write in all). I know I'm lazy.
2) Do I really love travelling alone so much that I'll give up seeing my family and friends in Singapore for prolonged periods?
3) Do I really want to get a scholarship and spend my youth in a company that (to be honest) I don't really care for? The only thing I care for in a scholarship is the money. I haven't found a company that I really want to work in yet. And it's really too early to tell what kind of company I'd identify with, I haven't even worked in a part-time job yet.
4) I haven't mixed enough with Singaporeans.

I want to go overseas because
1) Singapore is 581.5 square kilometres big. If I go to Europe, I'll have the whole of Europe to myself, at discounted rates! (since airfares would be cheaper). Or if I go to USA.
This is a very important reason.
2) I've taken the SATs (and paid for them, ouch)
3) I've already told some teachers that I want to apply. Will they kill me if I change my mind?
4) I haven't mixed with people from overseas before.

The reasons I give for "I don't want to go overseas" actually sound more compelling. Will I regret my decision months later?
Or maybe I'll just swear to myself to never look back and move on. After all, every decision I make will have an opportunity cost.
Life is a dream. Somehow, in dreams, I don't find myself reflecting. I just get entangled in the ridiculousness of the dream.
Speaking of dreams, I dreamt last night that I didn't finish my Bio paper 3 T.T then I woke up and realized that it's all over. And a few nights ago I dreamt that I've only sat for prelims and there's one entire round of exams to go. T.T
At times like this, I can't stand myself. Urgh!

I had so many Grand Plans while studying... Learning a 3rd language was one of them! Now all my time is spent shopping for a prom dress, and when I get home I just want to be a potato and rest my legs. Hahah. I must seem very fortunate to be able to talk like that at all, and I think it is a good thing.
For now, there is a new object to conquer, and that is my iphone4s! :))
I need to spend the rest of my holidays (i.e. after December) wisely.
I was out at Plaza Singapura today and saw a Sesame Street performance, with Elmo, Ernie, Bert and Cookie Monster dancing. It was a very pretty sight. Surprisingly, I started to feel a little sad about times gone by, times in my childhood, when mum read me stories before bed, when I asked questions about picture books, when I babbled nonsensical stuff and my mum entertained all my babble in her own babble-speak.

Here's a great voice and meaningful lyrics! I love it when he hits those high notes.

Anyway, yesterday was a hectic day that I wouldn't want to repeat. But it ended off very nicely at band concert which I watched with huiying. I think ever since I learnt the euphonium I've been very partial towards music played in the tenor range-- a melody played on the euphonium or cello always sounds the best to me. So do tenor and alto voices :)
And I watched the taiwan movie with qianlin. I can't type Chinese here and Hanyupinyin is ugly but I'm sure you know what it's called! It was extremely sick and at times I thought it was either funny or downright disgusting, and somewhere in the middle I thought it was getting boring, and I was getting irritated at how the female lead cries in a very odd childish manner. But the sick bits were balanced very well with warm and fuzzy moments, so overall it was an unusual and touching movie. It was one of the more imperfect movies I've watched-- the female lead doesn't cry prettily, the male lead is disgusting, the other male characters are disgusting, but overall they came together to make a very realistic movie. Because life is disgusting. Ha ha ha. Okay, joking, but you know what I mean, life isn't perfect, if you view it from afar.
And I met joey two times yesterday hehe.

Our lives are all apparently plugged somewhere. most of us at least. To our phones, to our computers, etc. Today I was crossing the road, and out of the 7 people crossing the road, I counted at least 5 using their phones while walking across the road! It's dangerous and honestly I wouldn't be surprised if one day the government fines us for using phones while crossing the road. Quite a joke, actually, but it wouldn't surprise me.
Right now I'm plugged into my computer listening to ...

Cheryl co-sponsored this album :D I'm so happy I can ogle at them more now. :)

"We got drunk and played on the cello together. It was out of tune (sniggers), but there was so much chemistry."
I want to get drunk too then! :3

I can smell freedom...mmmphs.

I'm still in love with 2cellos *_* I'm starry-eyed when I listen to their songs, even more so when I watch them perform live (on youtube)!

Anyway, there're 2 papers left and I know I'm treading on very, very thin ice because I'm slacking so much. After bio paper 3 it felt like the end already and I can't do work like I used to. 

Come back to earth!!!
Sometimes while trying to make decisions for the future, I think about the decisions I made last time. Sometimes, doing that feels like a burden, because I'll start wondering whether I made the right move. So I've taken to forgetting many things that happened in the past. Which is why I'm not usually the one who says "Do you remember, in secondary school, we....?", things like that. Sometimes the past is a burden, which is disturbing because I remember reading somewhere that "a person is but a collection of memories and experiences". Does that mean I've got a more diminished identity? D:
Anyway, I'll smooth this question over and go back to 'living life like a dream': why think so much?

If only we could take multi-tasking to a whole new level... we'd have multiple lives at once... maybe two lives. I'd be able to swap between the current me and that other me, and this way I'd be able to to do many things at once.
One of me will do all the serious money-earning. The other me will go traipsing off into Europe and Africa and India and China, learning how to dance, learning how to play the cello (yes, this is what I really wanted to say), doing crazy things like writing and publishing books and busking on the streets of Vienna.
This is a little distressing, it's like saying that my future will either be this or that, and I'll never be able to satisfy my work requirements and indulge my artistic side at once.
Now that will be odd, because my money-earning self would be jealous of my artistic self, and my artistic self would scorn at my money-earning self, and then I'll hate myself.
Life is odd. Being alone turns me into an odd person with thoughts I never thought I'd have. You are free to laugh at me (I would laugh at myself now, but I think it's odd to laugh aloud when I'm alone.)
I was inspired by a quote a few days ago (that quote is on the green bar above this post now), and I think that will be my life motto. I shall never constrain myself, I shall never be afraid of taking risks (I must have thought through them thoroughly beforehand) and I shall live life like a dream.
Of course, it's hard to imagine how life could be like a dream, since everything is so starkly real now. But it's more of the attitude towards life that matters.
I hope it doesn't make you think I'm shallow, if I said that this quote was said by Stjepan Hauser during an interview. xD
There is a tiny, tiny organism crawling on my keyboard, it's on the key that says 7 (and no, I haven't squashed it), and it can't be any bigger than the tip of your pencil. O: I wonder what it is...
It's gone!!!

I've never felt more like a lump of dough...Unless you count one of the days last week when I was feeling like that too. You know it when your mum says something and you hear it as something totally different, just because your brain isn't working and it isn't connected to your ears. You know it when you pull out something to revise, and then the next thing you do is collapse face down on the table.
Last night I gave a long hard thought about people I've heard of who struggle with the little amount of time they have. I'm not talking about ultra-busy executives; I'm talking about terminally ill people. We've heard stories of them. And then I felt rather ashamed of myself, because I was whiling hours away at the tv and at the computer, complaining to myself about studying, and doing nothing for the people around me. I told myself to spend my time productively the next day, but I don't know how, actually. Today I just spent time reading and surfing the net and watching tv.
But, anyway, I'm so in love with their music:

If I ever want a song for some major event of my life, I'll pick this song.
Today I finally played on my piano, after many months of not touching it at all. There're 3 stuck keys and I played over them anyway, while playing the songs I used to play. It was comforting, but it was a little alarming to discover how fast my sense of rhythm had eroded. I have half a mind to learn new songs for the piano after a levels...
Sometimes I scorn at myself for dreaming up big idealistic plans but not carrying them out in the end. It's either time to find out how lazy I've gotten, or time to find out what I really care for.

^credits to poey for finding it (OMGLOL)
I realized that I ended one of my posts a little too acidly when I described my life as a lie... but life sometimes feels exactly like that when you're studying all alone in your room, with nothing but four walls and your notes and soft toys around you. Sometimes when it's prolonged you even wish your soft toys could talk. :)
Anyway, there are two papers left, and today feels a little like the end of A's already. While studying yesterday the awesome song Smooth Criminals by 2Cellos was playing in my head (guess I was trying to rush through my revision that's why I had such an exciting song in my head). And then at night I fell asleep thinking of what has been planned for the holidays, and what has not been planned and is still quivering excitedly in a corner of my schedule. I probably fell asleep smiling. :))
I should stop daydreaming and get serious about revising for those last two papers, honestly, to save whatever I can of my marks. 8)
After I slack for a while.
Thought of the day:
Most of our exams (actually all of them, no?) train us to analyze and critique, but they don't encourage us to invent things to make life better/cooler and they don't encourage us to imagine beyond what we can see. I have no idea what I mean by inventing and imagining, but that just proves my point.
I suppose it's all up to us to find out what they are.

^ so admirable, concentrating like that. I should concentrate too (later). :3
[that is Luka Sulic of 2Cellos. you should really watch their music video of Smooth Criminal. I really would watch a concert of theirs (or any other players like them)]

I totally understand how this cat is feeling

Because there's no one online to talk to me :(( (everyone mugging for bio paper 3 already??) and it's quite lame to sms a random person and ask 'hey what you doingz', haha.
And I also understand because there seems nothing standing between me and a levels. Everyday is revision time! I can foresee that for the next 4 days I'll not step out of the house (except to get food?)
Right after chem today I was thinking about all my mistakes (again). Then I realized that by doing so I was probably shaving precious years off my life because thinking about them just made me sad again. It was cyclical: sad--"crap I could have gotten those marks..."/happy-- "I tried my best"/ and this repeats. So I decided to stop.
Then I watched the 6.30 pm news. There's this Chinese guy who said he beat his children every 3 days (am I right? I tend to tune out a little while listening to the news). It's like Amy Chua and her children. And he says all his children are in Beida now. The worst bit is that he thinks his children are successful now because he punished them. No, the worst bit is he wrote a book on punishment. I can't make sense of this. His children might be smart and hardworking now, but they are probably scarred in some way. Punishment might seem to work but this doesn't mean it's the best way to bring up a child.
This is slightly depressing.
Anyway, on an interesting note, my brother told me yesterday that I've been leading a sheltered life ever since I was born. We were arguing over something (forgot what), and he said this like it was the end of the story and he was right, I was wrong, haha. It's not like I didn't know I'm sheltered, but it was quite a nudge to my consciousness (can't think of a better phrase) to have someone say that to me. I totally agree, but agreeing makes me feel like my entire life is a lie. ._.
Okay, I shall stop crapping to you and I'll go back to my lie of a life.

Often the choice that makes you happiest is the best choice, and after you make it you wonder why you even agonized over it in the first place. Anyway, today after an exam I spent most of lunch and the bus journey brooding about mistakes, as I always do-- I'm a miserable worm most of the time, when I'm alone. Then I came to the obvious (it seems really obvious now) conclusion that what matters most is how I felt I did, and not the grades that I'll get next March. Practically speaking, that result slip is going to determine much of my immediate future, but at least making this choice has made me see things differently-- next March is not so much a day to be dreaded now, it's just a transition into another phase of life that is university.

I was on the bus today and I was standing on the steps, because it was so full. It reminded me of the times when we played the how-many-people-can-you-fit-on-this-mat game, because everyone around me didn't seem to care how many bodies they pressed into, they were just busy looking for a spot to stand on. It was a pretty depressing situation to walk into, because I had odd thoughts about how overcrowded the world was and how every other person is just another midget on a huge planet in a huger universe. And despite this we still worry about the silliest things.

Okay here's a pretty song. I can't hear some of the words she's singing, but since I can't hear what a lot of American singers sing too, I guess it's just my hearing that's got a problem.

:3 Enjoy.

Also I went on facebook and there were two people fangirling about The Hunger Games movie. Went to read the plot outline and watch the trailer and now I think I'll add that to my to-do list after A's. Also, my horoscope says the silliest things, but I still read it everyday, because it's in the Life newspaper, which I read everyday anyway.

Needs to get back on earth right now but it was quite amazing watching videos of glee and x factor-- watching specific people :D It makes me see life beyond books.

Which is why I need to get back down!
I rarely have a proper conversation with my brother- here's what happened just now:
"Gege, do you like cats or dogs better?"
"Fried chicken."
Brothers. One of a kind.

And I'm touched/humbled by people who try to reach out to others, just to make their day or wish them well, despite knowing that their responses could be treated lightly or simply ignored. 

It is times like this when I feel most at unease with myself, and then after a flurry of adrenaline I realize I'm so childish and I'm surprised that I've never noticed this childishness before.
We're all living our days with adrenaline now. Sounds exciting, man, but then it's serious business.

It's 6 days to the start of the Apocalypse!!
And I spent some time after breakfast lying on sofas and hugging my soft toy bunny.

I never thought I'd like a song like that, I generally don't like Chinese songs sung by young girls since they are usually too cute for me. But this is hard not to like. :3 Oh well, a welcome break after fretting about Apocalyses. (How cool, they both start with A)

stop slacking 8(((
Anyway, I just went to listen to Drew Ryniewicz (she says it as "rye-ne-wiz") on the X Factor, and her voice is really touching. She's only 14, and it makes me think about dreams and how people pursue them so perfectly.

Here I am, at this crossroads, and each direction seems to be the right one to take. I do have a preferred choice, but that choice involves (physical and possibly emotional) isolation and possibly some amount of hurt. Do I take the plunge?

It's a bit like a micro-debate on whether to think like a traditional Easterner vs a traditional Westerner (like a Greek). We learnt that Easterners think not for themselves but for the good of their family/clan/community. Westerners think for themselves and rarely regard the benefit of the family/clan/community in their decisions. Of course these are all stereotypes but there is a grain of truth in them, although these differences in thinking could probably have blurred with globalisation. 

Anyway, which way do I pick? And are their differences really significant?

For now all this is unimportant. As I type, A levels are 10 days away and ticking menacingly towards me (and you). T.T The terrible single digits are coming! 

Today I'm actually feeling at peace with the world :)

Here's an interesting song. I don't actually listen to lyrics, I google them and read them. The lyrics of this song actually have a subtle message. It's just that I'm too lazy to think about them and I settle for a particular vague feeling I get when I read the lyrics.
How do you feel, I hope you're feeling at peace with the world too! :)

Something is going wrong. Nowadays when I feel bored I'll go online and I'll instinctively go to facebook. What for, I don't know, it's just like checking some live news feed. Except I don't actually read the news as frequently as I go to facebook. >< And I feel less interested in things, and I feel empty and I cannot type a coherent and substantial post :( I can read people's blogs and appreciate what they write, but I can't write anything myself. So I'll stop here. I think I just wasted your time.

I'm seriously feeling a little palpitated, is there such an adjective?
I should just learn from Chris Martin here and flail my arms around. Looks like some serious emotional catharsis.

CHILL MANZXZXZ!

If I were to give this week an atmosphere, I'd say this has been quite a humbling week... Sometimes little things happen that make you stand back and look at yourself from a 3rd person's perspective and you realize things. But nothing drastic.
And there was graduation. I enjoyed the singing session.
Today was the last episode of ai! Watched two violent (and emotional) deaths in the first 15 minutes, then things began to fall into place, and in the last 10 minutes everything was rosy and dandy. There's a charm that long-running dramas have, because they play back scenes from hundreds of episodes before, and this makes you feel really in touch with the character. I felt a little sadness and admiration as the camera focused on xie mingming's face :3 She's the prettiest character there (and the most intriguing).
Let's move on, seriously.

Unsure
Of the present
Running away from myself
To where? The future?

But wait... people are actually preparing graduation gifts to remember this moment, and this moment of me and them!
Why am I so unfeeling?
D: It's so unexpected that graduation's coming. I don't even feel the need to remember or celebrate stuff at all... although just now I did think about some things, and I decided that I'll eventually feel fuzzyhearted when the time comes anyway.

Some people inspire you so much that even when they've disappeared from your life, you can suddenly think of them and feel this renewed spark in you, all over again. It's like discovering a whole part of yourself that you found but eventually lost, only to recover it again today.

Here's a post about an event that was quite trivial but gave me a fresh perspective anyway
I was feeling a little dazed today after sleeping at 1am the previous day (I was trying to finish homework), so I was standing beside p today with my mind floating in clouds above my head. I dimly registered the fact that I was going to the library to mug... Then unexpectedly, p, who was beside me, said her whoever said I'm (fill in the blanks). My reaction was "wait...what?" I've always thought of myself as a (opposite of 'fill in the blanks') person, honestly. I wasn't offended at all, I need to make this clear! But it was in fact quite refreshing to hear some negative comments for once. I always hang out with people I'm comfortable with, and if you're comfortable with someone, chances are you don't critique that person's character. So I've been free from negative comments for a really really long time, and today provided an interesting new angle on...myself. It has sort of removed me from this cocoon of oblivion... that stands between me and the world.

I woke up this morning to an interesting article, which was a tribute from a reporter to his humanities programme teacher, Mr Barnard (who is retiring). The phrases that jumped out at me the most was "rush to produce scientists and engineers....students...being drilled into timidity and submission" (something like that, not word for word), and how this reporter ditched his triple science education for a HP one. This is definitely not an attack on studying science in school, but these phrases made me think about whether I could be one of the students who submitted to traditional ideas about the merits of studying science.

I admire my two friends who jumped from their triple science sec sch education into the HP, for not being afraid to take the untried and untested route, to do things based on their own gut feeling. Honestly, at the end of sec 4 I considered trying out for HP, but I didn't because I felt I didn't have the knack for humanities. So I wondered if I had chosen my current subject combi through a process of elimination instead, and not because I really wanted to learn science. 

But I think if I could time travel like Zac Efron in 17 again, I would still choose my current subject combi. Because I think studying Bio has been fun, and it was especially so in J1. 

I remember taking a taxi home one day. The driver started asking me what I wanted to do after JC. "Be a doctor lah," he suggested in Chinese.

"I don't want to be a doctor," I replied.

Then he started talking about how being a doctor would be like having an iron rice bowl, because the government will never think the country has too many doctors, and how doctors never become unemployed anyway. But I'm strongly against such ideas. You don't choose a job for money. Maybe, coming from a generation of poverty, the driver thinks like this. But I have had the privilege of a comfortable childhood and a good education, and this is all because our parents/grandparents wanted us to have a better life, so I should fulfill their legacy by breaking out of these restrictions triggered by poverty, and think for myself.

I also remember how I was suddenly inspired by something a few days ago, I can't remember what. I sprung up on my mum and told her assertively that I would grow up to work for myself and not for the government, and I would be in charge of my own job and not be controlled by any boss! 

At which she gave me a bored look and said "It's good that you think this way now."

"What do you mean, now??" 

"I mean it's good that you think like this now, but it's another matter whether you actually do this next time," she said. She sounded bored.

So I gave a "hmph" and turned away. Frankly, there's some truth in what she's saying. Because I've been thinking of a scholarship and if I want a scholarship there's a very slim chance I can fulfil what I said. And if I want to be my own boss then I should be prepared for...financial losses etc.

Anyway, who knows? For now, it's time to be serious about the present, A levels are 1 month away, and I'm not treating my future seriously if I continue slacking like this. :/


yay Coldplay's so cool.

I think this is one of the times when I'm really disappointed with my results 8((((((( But that day when I went to ask my ki teacher what was wrong with my epist essay, he ended it off by asking how our results were, and after we replied he assumed this tone that people usually use when they are talking to somebody who just cried buckets, and said don't give up, there's still about 5 weeks! (we weren't looking sad, serious!!)
Yeah don't slacken or give up now... it must be because I haven't studied enough... it takes time to learn anyway, and prelims must have come at a time when I was still processing all my knowledge... :X

But alongside with all this disappointment I also feel a vague gladness to be where I am now, in this school, with all the people I know~~

(Oh, how bittersweet! ^_^)

Being the youngest in the family, I've occasionally heard my family members recounting an incident at work and expressing their hopelessness in particular situations...e.g. stories that show how they've tried but still couldn't help the person they wanted to, or the (positive) change they wanted to make, because of circumstances beyond their control. And it usually ends in them feeling dejected. Sometimes you're trying very sincerely to explain or to help but people misunderstand you, or sometimes they are just deluded and any advice you give just bounces off.
I'm pretty sure I'd like to make a positive change on people when I work in future, but I think I've realized now that it isn't that easy. But these stories represent just a few incidents, and I'm sure they only happen occasionally. (because it's not everyday that my family members recount such events)
I feel like these stories have made me more... individualistic? Like when it comes to my future job I don't believe so much in helping others directly, I believe more in making positive changes indirectly... Am I saying anything? No I'm not making sense...byeee
I guess the only real change I can work on now is improving my grades...

Today I was snoozing on the mattress handed down from my brother (and it was quite comfy) after reading a book, and feeling as comfortable as a hippo might feel lying on a mud bank. Then, beyond my foggy subconsciousness I heard a rather nice voice drifting in from outside my window, which is quite shocking considering that I live on the 9th floor. But anyway, I knew that they were giving our block of flats a new coat of paint, so I decided that the voice must come from one of the workers. Come to think of it, the voice was not unlike Darren Criss's voice; it was quite a smooth tenor. :) My mum heard it too and was also intrigued by it. And we started discussing what would happen if we drew the curtains, opened the windows and praised the worker for his voice.
But nothing else happened, okay, and I got up from the very comfy mattress.

I chanced upon this video, and I must say his voice is not baaad! If you're not a Lee Seung Gi fan you might want to skip to 1:31...hahah... but if you enjoy watching korean guys smile directly at the camera you can watch the beginning part...hahah...

Today's Children's Day. I didn't realize till now. And what's interesting is that in the morning I saw the Straits Times article about exceptional children, but I didn't recognize it was a tribute for Children's Day.
Goodbye my childhood. 8(
And happy children's day to all children out there, I seriously hope you treasure your childhood. But of course we don't know that something's worth treasuring until it's over. It's always like that.

I'm supposed to be here to do some research on universities and clear up university applications stuff, but I can't bring myself to do it, for some reason...


Here's an oddly comforting song to listen to... even though I don't actually understand what she's singing about. X years later, when I'm downtrodden and heartbroken and emo-ing over a broken relationship, I hope I'll listen to this song. Adele really sings this with Style...with a capital S.

I was dully watching the bee in the Bee Story movie get flung around, because he escaped from the hive, was caught in the rain, and somehow landed up in a car's pipe and almost got killed in the car. Despite so many near death experiences, the bee ended up home in the end. I guess this is a subtle reminder of how I should choose my paths, of how I should not be afraid of... not following the crowd. I remember reading an article about singapore's first caucasian social worker. I know her name is Ann but I forgot her surname. That was an inspiring story. She came to singapore to do social work, a few years before WWII started. How brave is that? When it was (and still is) cooler to be a doctor or an entrepreneur or a lawyer?

Who do I work for?

I really wish I could step into a time machine and visit, for one week, a place with no handphones and no Internet. And I'll see how people managed to live life happily without their devices, and maybe I'll learn a thing or two about communicating with others. Sometimes I feel like if every bit of emotion I felt was put up on the Internet or some tech-y device, I'll become emptier myself. Okay, it's not like everything I think or feel is broadcasted, but sometimes I do feel worn out, and that's when I feel like retreating to some deserted hill and meditating on it. Maybe this is why some people in the older generation (or even younger??) refuse to buy handphones or set up (for example) a facebook account. But much as I believe in privacy, I still think we should be in sync with the times, so not owning a handphone might be a little extreme. We just need to maintain a balance and stop walking around with our noses buried in some screen.

@@

Still, technology has some clear benefits, and here's one of them :3

Finally done with IS! Woohoohoo!

I'm seriously awed by how nice my IS mentor is. Even cliched words are good to hear if they are sincere.

I just spent more than an hour on formatting. x.x

Now we're stuck in a limbo between prelims and A levels, and all I can think of is "live in the present", so I'm trying to savour every post-prelim/work-free day now and postpone revision for as long as I can! But there's homework... :X
Today I was struck by how exciting the future will be, because after a levels (and that is 3 months away) I'll be free to do anything I like, and it's not any thing, but any thingsss in the plural. I think it was the after-effect of the rather cosy hour spent in the art cubicle discussing stuff :D It feels good to be young, and I remarked this to my mum, who said it's good that I've realized it.
Are dreams priceless? Maybe they are, because having them lets you know that you are not a person who is afraid to venture out of a comfort zone, and that there's no limit to your dreams... So once dreamed, they should be worth pursuing even if you abandon them in the end...?
I've got a wisdom tooth growing out, hope it makes me wiser yay!

I can't play Dragon Nest because it cannot connect to some server in some part of the universe 8(
Just read a blog, and I realized you don't need perfect (or near-perfect) grammar to capture your readers' attention if the subject is really intriguing.
Anyway, I was thinking about how ironic it was that I wrote about not being able to get out to do anything because of being stuck with revision, because writing itself is not doing anything at all too. It's just an outlet...

I think Korean dramas are more successful than Singaporean ones because in Korean dramas, they actually focus on a few main characters, and the camera zooms into their (pretty) faces and shows all the angsty turmoil going through their minds, and then you think, 'how heartbreaking!' or 'what a terrible two-timer!' or 'don't choose him, you idiot!'.
Maybe characters in Singaporean dramas are too rational and they fall too nicely into stereotypes. On the other hand, characters in Korean dramas are more...irrational (what's a better word?) and you can't help but identify with them yourself.
Or maybe, we just like to have an insight into a different culture, that opens up so many doors in our imagination.

Nothing to do now, but I still have this :3

his voice itself is brilliant. and the icing on the cake is the cute expressions :3

I don't feel like moving off my chair, it's like there's cement on the chairrrrr.

A few days ago (I've lost count, it's like all my life I've been taking the prelims?!), I suddenly remembered how my happy J1 self 10 years ago told herself not to be apathetic.

:D

Let's renew the love! (for life)

Just because:

just because if you obsess about questions you'll never move forward.

I think a side-effect of the prelims I'm having is that I start to probe my inadequacies so much that I get irritated when I see people who display any sort of imperfection-- which I'm sure everyone does, including myself, since obviously nobody's perfect! 

Yet I still have no idea how to reconcile grades-chasing together with the ideals I have and the life I want. I mean, I must have studied decently enough in the past to even end up here, and I'm sure you know I'm not boasting because this is an achievement that many people have, and also "good schools" do not represent everything that is good. Anyway, so I must have fared decently, and a lot of people must have too, but what's the point of going on further if all I can do now is sit at home, cloistered away from everything happening elsewhere, and read my notes? Why can't I go out there to make a real change now? 

The only reason why, I think, is that all this learning is just some self-absorbing activity which only the narcissistic enjoy. To show to themselves that they are capable of solving complex problems and so they are Endowed, with a capital E.

Just joking, really. Don't take that paragraph seriously.

I guess school, specifically JC education, is really a privilege that I've unwittingly wandered into. I mean, I didn't really have a clear idea of what I was signing up for in secondary school, but on the other hand I was also quite sure that I didn't want to go anywhere else (or didn't know where else to go?) because that was the most obvious path to take. So, I don't hate it, but I do wonder at times what I'll be doing now if I were ... somewhere else.

The only conclusion I can come to right now is that what we're learning now is not mainly the content (you aren't going to ask your colleague next time if they know what aqueous bromine is useful for) but the thinking processes, and also the human-ish values you discover in this drawn-out, dismal struggle for perfection. 


A motivating quote from a mentor that possibly answers my question: To whom much is given, much is expected. 

On a shallower note, I'm feeling disillusioned after a week of papers and I wonder why there's such a huge gap between reality and my expectations. Are my expectations my dreams? Do dreams=expectations? I am confused. I don't think they are the same though, but while expectations are easily defined, it's really tough to be sure of what my dreams are.

On a practical note: To remind myself, I'm going to touch up my IS this WEEKENDDDDD!!!!!

And now a pretty song that will set fire to your resolve and make you study like you've never studied before:

there's really fire in her voice.

Maybe ideas, when put into words, lose their conviction, so I'll change my mind about writing an Angsty Post on Life, and how I feel that different people should take paths that spread in different directions. Paths diverge, paths converge, but paths should never be parallel. If I write any more I think I'll sound forced, and I'll betray the fact that I am in fact very lost about where I should go from here. But we Chinese always say that boats straighten when they reach the dock, so I'll just keep floating around in my sampan, alright?

Sometimes it's about knowing your limits and working hard to push them away. Cast them away to the distant galaxies!
Here's a cool treat:)


Okay my mum is coming to take over my throne at the computer bye bye!

I arrived here with plenty of things running through my head, but I thought that writing with no clear purpose in mind was rather silly and also a waste of time.

Anyway, I think Coldplay oozes style. Maybe 'oozes' is not the right word; I can't think of a stylish word now. I love Chris Martin's soaring tenor.

:X

I do feel many things now, but all these feelings seem to have dimmed for now in this exam rush.
I'm thinking of the times I've gone for campfires, and how heartwarming it felt to sit down in circles around the 5-metre high blazing fire. All the faces on the other side of the fire were blurred (smoke was rising, it was dark, the fire was sputtering), but I remember bright white teeth flashing: girls were laughing and smiling, and their laughter was infectious. I remember wondering if the Guiders sitting by the side were bored, but now I think it must have been a rather humbling experience for them, to sit among people who reminded them of their childhood and to see them scream and shout without a worry in the world.
It would be nice if I could organize a campfire with all the people who ever meant something to me. It doesn't matter whether they have stopped meaning anything to me. Let's face it-- I learnt a few years ago (I can't pinpoint the exact year) that people come and go and they mean different things to you as life proceeds. Let's say that these people are still precious to me because I keep in mind all the times we spoke together and shared  light moments together. Now we've separated, but my memories remain and they come back to me occasionally.
But let's face another fact: memories change and people might not remember the same things, and if they do, they recall it at different times. That's what causes estrangement.
So, paradise for me would be sitting down together with everyone who means and meant anything to me and having a huge party together around a campfire. But I'm not sure what I'd say to them. It would be nice if feelings were tangible and they could be contained in a pretty box, and when people open it they'd be able to see/smell/feel it for what it exactly is. I'd pull out a feeling like Dumbledore pulls out his thoughts with a wand and puts them in his Pensieve. And feelings would be tasted, like how the girl in The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake tastes her mother's emotions in her cooking.
Speaking of paradise, go listen to Paradise by Coldplay. 

Also, here's a talented singer.

Something to cheer you up!

And also to cheer myself up.

I left an entire question in my bio paper blank today. I didn't do it on purpose, and that's what makes it so bad. Cos I flipped a page and saw it was blank, so I thought I finished the booklet when actually there was still a question 6. 11 marks confirmed plus chop sayonara.

Here's an interesting post on objective truth and religion. It's not very detailed but it gets you thinking...

But there's no point moping... the only thing that is real now is action and all other activities would be very unnecessary... except for thinking of course.

I saw a status update on facebook one day. It went something like "I love (my teacher)! Today he said: Boys and girls, if you continue being so rational, you'll never find love!".

It was quite funny and catchy but I didn't figure out what it meant, until today, when I reflected a little and realized that it meant quite a great deal. If we keep rationalizing our actions we're never going to accept ourselves and the people around us.

Okay. Have I mentioned how cute I think Cameron Mitchell (the glee project) is? :))) He might not be the most handsome or charismatic singer around, but his voice is good and it's interesting to watch a singer start out without any training at all (he's self-taught). I hope he gets a recording deal, somehow!

Prelims in two days, bless my brains, and may time multiply itself!

Urgh. This is yucky. But wow, new blogger template! There are some people washing the outside of my house because they want to paint the walls, and I think they've draped this blue canvas sheet right outside my door. It makes me feel so much more like a prisoner. D: I think I haven't stepped out of the house for at least 3 days. Ouch!

I should get to work soon to make my getting up at 8 am worth it! D:

To-read list (I have a to-read list on Goodreads, but it's so long it's become useless...)
1) Julian Barnes: A Sense of an Ending
2) a book by Ann Patchett
3) a cool book about evolution probably by Stephen Jay Gould

Yesterday was farewell, and it wasn't until the end that I realized that I was bidding farewell to the people in my batch too. But I guess we'll still meet, this isn't really the end! You never know what's going to happen next.

I definitely haven't researched enough! The perils of making choices based on popular opinion. I should have adopted a more open mindset from the beginning.
I hope my choices now aren't too impulsive and they'll pull through. D:

I'm here because I think I don't have inspiration. So, what's new in my life? This is such an egocentric question. But since I created this blog to feed my vanity, I shall share with you the mundane details of my life.
I've been addicted to this song: I like her soaring vocals. ^^ But I have no idea what the song is about, because I mainly listen to the tune and not her words (except "we could have had it all...rolling in the deep" and "there's a fire starting in my heart"?)


With I had some fire in my heart now. You know, I learnt that chasing dreams means two things at once. It means that I have a very coherent set of beliefs that tell me I am right in pursuing this dream and I should give it my best shot. But it also means that I have another conflicting system of beliefs, which are also coherent within themselves, that tell me I'm absolutely deluded and I'm just too unaware of reality for my own good.

Introspection has failed me.

Telling myself that it's better to try now than to regret about not trying later is a rather weak reason. It lacks conviction.
Heck I think I lack conviction and I'm just whining.

I think I've been more resolute before. I'll get back my resolve. It makes me ashamed to see people around who are so determined, but I'm not entirely sure they don't suffer from the same doubt as I do... I guess doubting myself at this stage is normal, doubting is a very human thing to do...

Here's some encouragement:
Embrace questions and do not be afraid to leap into thorny issues. Trust yourself, and if you do it vigilantly, you'll see the light.

This is quoted from... me myself and I!

Me, myself and I together form a world-famous trio. Everyone knows them-- how cool is that! They are frequently quoted, and are perhaps the most cited scholars in this world. Every word that every person speaks or writes can be traced back to this impressive trio.

Thanks for bearing with my goofing around, now go spend your time productively. :)

It's the last day of official lessons of my two years in JC! I can't decide if I'm happy that it's over or sad that I won't be having more of it. The past two years have been a mixture of dreary days where I simply hoped for the whole day that I could go home and never see school again, and (a larger portion) of happy days where I discovered new things about my classmates.
So I guess I miss school more now (that's why I'm even here in the first place).

But I've been through 12 years of education, and I don't know what exactly it is I treasure. Plainly put, I don't know what I want to dedicate my life to. I know I seek new things, possibly 'adventure'. Basically I'd like to travel. But I'd be giving up some things here at home if I did that.
This reminds me of what Mrs Toh said that day-- when you lose something, you gain something else. (then sbd piped in, i think it was yaonian: when you gain something, you lose something else too). But what is it I'd like to have, at the expense of the happiness I already enjoy now? I see my friends and family everyday and I learn new things about them as time passes. Happiness here is very tangible. If I were to go overseas, happiness would be harder to find; it would be wilder and very unexpected.

But I think I've learnt my lesson, which is that happiness can turn stale if it stays untouched and unexamined for too long. I've lived through that kind of happiness before, and it was very constraining, as I told cheryl today. I think being away from home might give me the chance to reassess the home I've lived in for 18 years, and I'll learn to appreciate it differently.

If I could live JC over again, I'd be more serious about KI lessons, especially group presentations. I didn't really like group presentations. I never knew whether I was going on the right path when I was addressing the class, so my presentations got more and muddled as I did more of them (actually I think I addressed the class twice in 2 years, and the last one was quite screwed up).

One thing is certain, which is that KI has been the most fun lesson I've had in JC. I might not have appreciated it enough some days, but it has constantly presented me with new insights about myself and everything else around me. Come to think of it, I think the teachers have the most credit for giving me such a good experience in KI. If I could, I'd do a 3rd year of JC that would be dedicated to KI.

I think I'm a lazy person by nature and it takes quite a significant amount of encouragement to make me budge. Now I know it, maybe I can change it.

I feel kind of sad now. I feel the same way I did when the only band concert I performed in ended, just that the feeling I have now has more finality in it. I guess it's comparable to how I felt after graduating from secondary school, just that I felt more liberated at the end of sec 4 than I do now. (in sec 4, it was "YES!!! I'm out of sec school! And I'm going to a new one!!" And what sadness was there to feel, when everyone was just going to the same school again?) But this time it is something different. I'm about to bid farewell to friends I made in my angsty emotional teenage years, and I'm going to bid farewell to new friends and classmates that I've had the fortune to meet but not the opportunity to really understand. If I could manipulate reality, I'd spend a day with everyone I'd like to know more about. It's a pity I don't have all the time in my hands.

Thinking of sec school makes me miss my sec school class. I want a class reunion after A's.

After JC I also want a JC class reunion. I feel like I must keep in touch with my JC classmates, because they are all so nice and they have changed my attitudes and perceptions so much. I feel like I won't be as happy as I am today if I had been placed in another class. (Seriously, how should I go about expressing this appreciation to my class?) I think we should set up a class blog. (Hey, that's how our 08s70 seniors kept in touch.)

I feel like this blog post is just a declaration of how much I love everyone. Hi, I love you. <3 :D

Okay, I should stop prancing around in my pink-tinted specs. Goodbye.
But this is not to say that I didn't mean everything that I said above.

Here's my all-time-favourite song, to bid farewell to my official-JC-schooldays in style.

It's the last day of official lessons of my two years in JC! I can't decide if I'm happy that it's over or sad that I won't be having more of it. The past two years have been a mixture of dreary days where I simply hoped for the whole day that I could go home and never see school again, and (a larger portion) of happy days where I discovered new things about my classmates.
So I guess I miss school more now (that's why I'm even here in the first place).

But I've been through 12 years of education, and I don't know what exactly it is I treasure. Plainly put, I don't know what I want to dedicate my life to. I know I seek new things, possibly 'adventure'. Basically I'd like to travel. But I'd be giving up some things here at home if I did that.
This reminds me of what Mrs Toh said that day-- when you lose something, you gain something else. (then sbd piped in, i think it was yaonian: when you gain something, you lose something else too). But what is it I'd like to have, at the expense of the happiness I already enjoy now? I see my friends and family everyday and I learn new things about them as time passes. Happiness here is very tangible. If I were to go overseas, happiness would be harder to find; it would be wilder and very unexpected.

But I think I've learnt my lesson, which is that happiness can turn stale if it stays untouched and unexamined for too long. I've lived through that kind of happiness before, and it was very constraining, as I told cheryl today. I think being away from home might give me the chance to reassess the home I've lived in for 18 years, and I'll learn to appreciate it differently.

If I could live JC over again, I'd be more serious about KI lessons, especially group presentations. I didn't really like group presentations. I never knew whether I was going on the right path when I was addressing the class, so my presentations got more and muddled as I did more of them (actually I think I addressed the class twice in 2 years, and the last one was quite screwed up).

One thing is certain, which is that KI has been the most fun lesson I've had in JC. I might not have appreciated it enough some days, but it has constantly presented me with new insights about myself and everything else around me. Come to think of it, I think the teachers have the most credit for giving me such a good experience in KI. If I could, I'd do a 3rd year of JC that would be dedicated to KI.

I think I'm a lazy person by nature and it takes quite a significant amount of encouragement to make me budge. Now I know it, maybe I can change it.

I feel kind of sad now. I feel the same way I did when the only band concert I performed in ended, just that the feeling I have now has more finality in it. I guess it's comparable to how I felt after graduating from secondary school, just that I felt more liberated at the end of sec 4 than I do now. (in sec 4, it was "YES!!! I'm out of sec school! And I'm going to a new one!!" And what sadness was there to feel, when everyone was just going to the same school again?)

Thinking of sec school makes me miss my sec school class. I want a class reunion after A's.

After JC I also want a JC class reunion. I feel like I must keep in touch with my JC classmates, because they are all so nice and they have had quite a huge impact on my attitudes and perceptions.

I feel like this blog post is just a declaration of how much I love everyone. Hi, I love you. <3 :D

Okay, I should stop prancing around in my pink-tinted specs.

My brother was listening to 21 Guns (Greenday) that day, and I realized that the first two lines are actually sort of thought-provoking. Do I know what I'm 'fighting' for, in today's paper chase? Am I blindly pursuing the University Dream?
Felt so demoralized today, then I went to sleep on the sofa, and I woke up feeling normal again :)
Greenday is so cool :3

Today our ki teacher implored us to be rational individuals, because society is growing ever more irrational, with so many arguments and sentiments that don't make sense (for example... I don't want to think of examples now). Today's lesson was really interesting, and I felt glad again that I took ki, although I don't feel so glad that the prelims are coming. It was good to realize again the purpose of learning ki.

This is a bit backdated, but I thought seriously that day to myself-- that I need to grow up.

I like Enya's songs.

On a side note, I stayed back yesterday to try the dinner at school, and it was really good, and the parents were very nice to us. (It made me feel very pampered.)I was also quite disturbed at the number of people mugging.

I guess what makes people different is primarily what they are afraid of. People are afraid of different things and they run away from them. And in the process they choose who they are. I realize I've been subconsciously running away from a number of things. It happens with every excuse that I make...

I'm addicted to the tune of Diana by Paul Anka, it's so merry~ The lyrics help too, because they are so funny. :) Paul Anka's (is that him?) eyebrows help too. I think eyebrows are the funniest part of some people's faces. You can just forget about every other part of their face and zoom in on those little black stubs moving and waving around and you can get very amused. :)

What an amusing song! :)) Do listen to the lyrics. Made my day on Sunday LOL. :D


I want to go overseas, not because I want to run away from the culture here. I think Singapore has unique strengths, and what's out there is not better, but different. I'm seeking adventure outside. :)) Not any Heaven, that doesn't exist.

Returning to reality, I think I need to formally remind myself here that I follow my path and not anyone else's. My life is my own. It's easy enough to understand, but when I get all emotional, I tend to forget this.

I'm stalking seniors' blogs on ql's directions and it just makes me feel boring and, in some small part of my mind, inferior.

There they are, talented and passionate (and going through the ups and downs of university life abroad, but this is beside the point), and here I am... I don't think I actually have any passion in the deeper sense of the word; I'm just a rolling stone gathering random bits of moss and fluff. (This is making me imagine myself rolling downhill, which is amusing, but it also feels like something bad) And if I had any talents, I don't think I've discovered them/ I don't have any/ Am I just being very critical of myself?

I just can't find any defining characteristic of myself that can be qualified, that I can be proud of. (I mean qualified, as in... e.g. "I was in a CCA for 6 years"/"I love research to bits"/"I love acting and I've acted lots"). Then again, am I just trying to fit myself somewhere? Am I different in that I don't belong to these descriptions, or am I just crappy, to put it harshly?

I feel like this is a perverse thought, but it almost feels like I don't have any right pursuing my dream to go overseas for university education. To put it really bluntly, if I'm a boring old rock with moss, I'll be a boring old rock with random moss wherever I go. It's like what I read somewhere last time-- you can't run away from yourself.

But realistically speaking, I could go anywhere. If I really try. Those seniors, I think they really tried. Anyone can go anywhere if they really try.
I know whatever I typed above will infuriate some of you or at least make you feel indignant. That's how I'll feel if I read this from somewhere else. But I think criticizing my self-worth today helped me find some direction, it does not reflect what school is like.

Maybe it's just that every one of the (few) seniors I've come across and is studying in some good university seems confident about themselves.
But I don't deny there's a lot of struggle underneath.
I just typed a crappy post at a crappy hour. I'm going to sleep.

Visiting our sec 2 forum brought back good memories... :') although I was a bit amused/shocked at the amount of rubbish I contributed there...
I actually went on a class outing today! It turned out to be quite fun. Ate meatball pasta at Ikea, treated it like a theme park, overslept on the bus on the way home and ended up in Jurong Point. -_-
I discovered an interesting Coldplay video while doing some *stuff*. And I think Regina Spektor's videos are cool too!


Don't give up, don't lose focus, there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow...so technically I'm travelling on the rainbow now, dangling in mid-air over Singapore...awesome thought...
*-*

I realized that this is the 3rd or 4th time I'm reading a handout for my IS but I'm still discovering new stuff! For this particular reading, every sentence I read is actually saying so much more.
Went out today at Sunset Way and saw a place called Grindelwald Supermarket! What a delightful name.
There are many things I'd like to say, but because I think I like to keep things more to myself these days (there's no point thinking so much; save my thinking for things like my IS), and because I should really be spending my time on things like my IS (not just this), I shall close this window. D:

I think it was a good decision to go for the UK forum because I got lots of earnest advice from the seniors there.
Firstly, I got utterly convinced that it would be a better choice to go overseas to study. So I went to sign up, and started dreaming about lovely green fields and ducks waddling on them (Emmanuel College has lots of ducks for some reason). Then all the doubt came flooding back today, about whether it would be futile in the end anyway.
But I remembered what one of the seniors said, about how he really thought he wouldn't get into Cambridge (the letter didn't come when he expected it to), and how he felt depressed and that was the end of him. So he lowered his expectations and decided to go to NUS (because he got some offers?). Then LO AND BEHOLD the letter came and he went to Cambridge.
Anyway, he said that this taught him a really important life lesson-- lower your expectations.
I think it's important to recognize that expectations don't work when you apply them to your dreams. If reality doesn't proceed as your dreams have planned, then accept it and move on! After all, it's really how you face life that matters.
But go on, pursue your dreams first.

I'm going to be a hermit. >(

This post is just blogger diarrhea.
Haiz feeling quite overwhelmed now with all the things I have to do. I've been making mental notes all day to do things that are behind time, but I haven't jotted them down, so now I just have this feeling of having lots of things to do but not a clear idea of what to do.
It's all I can do to stop myself from going to sleep. I don't even feel like packing stuff for swimming or wtv lesson tomorrow.
I guess the best plan for now is to do something now at least and do up a plan tomorrow.
Gilbert O' Sullivan looked so carefree hammering away at the piano and singing, but how much pain did he experience and how much hard work did he put in just to make it to that stage?
No idea where I want to study for university. My mum says I should go to NUS because I can't take care of myself overseas, given the way I whine (when she's around). But I guess I shouldn't limit myself and I shall take a quick glance at all the possible UK universities and NUS collectively tomorrow/saturday and come up with a Grand Plan of World Domination. >< right.
I think school should stop NOW and we should all stay at home and do our own revision through e-learning and consults can then be booked with teachers on our own initiative. Roar. No one listens to the Supreme-Ruler-of-the-Universe-wannabe.
Sigh so crazy bye.
Oh yeah my brother came home just now and started manhandling me (more or less) and I wondered how I could have missed him yesterday. Haiz. He says he hasn't played with me for a long while. I guess that's how you feel with siblings. You get manhandled by them but miss them when they aren't around to manhandle you. How cheap.
I guess insanity is really the best response to many things in this world. I don't know. Insanity as in, weird things you do when you try to indulge yourself in escapism. You can't take the long struggle, so you just do weird things to keep your mind from wandering, so you can continue doing what you're supposed to do. Haiz.
Decided to end this post on a positive note, so:

From http://celebmancrushblog.files.wordpress.com. Yeah.
So kewt. :3

As I opened blogger I realized I need to plan my time more so that I don't end up sitting in front of the laptop for the whole night, like I did yesterday (although I was doing something legit; but still it wasn't worth 4 hours)

I really like the voice of the lead singer of Keane, it's so wispy. But where has the band disappeared to?


Silence does not mean reproach. Silence does not mean indifference. Rather, silence is tiredness. It means anger which has simmered over-- the person doesn't feel this anger is worth expressing and she'd rather let it evaporate with time. In this silence, you can't help but feel a tiny bit insecure, but it's a good way for you to reflect and recollect your consciousness (Where has my brain gone to?). It makes you realize that so many of the words you utter every day are so worthless.

I kind of miss my brother, he's so busy he's hardly home. But I guess he's experiencing a sort of freedom -- he's doing what he likes. With a catch: it takes at least 15 hours everyday.

For me, silence is freedom. At least for today.

Some people talk and talk
and never say a thing.
Some people look at you
and birds begin to sing.
Some people laugh and laugh
and yet you want to cry.
Some people touch your hand
and music fills the sky.

Poems can be read over and over again but their value doesn't ever diminish.

Sometimes I think I project my personality onto others. I project my flaws onto others, so I see them in a bad light. But at least I've realized this, so I should be more objective next time!
I realize I like to spam songs here. Here's a classic, old song. :)

Oh my, I thought I was finishing but I came home and realized I still have about 1/3 left. !@#$
Also, this is a wonderful song! Why did I stop listening to his songs for so long? :3

"Don't regret."
Will you regret in future what you're doing now? O:

Education (Mine)

I think I've got some personal thoughts about that letter. Short ones.

My first thought was, hey, that was exactly how I felt in Sec 3 and 4. I do remember blogging about how I felt like a product in a factory, something along this line. Especially during Chinese-- I didn't like writing expositions because there was such a tight structure to follow. It kind of killed my interest in Chinese. Not sure if this is an excuse for my dropping Chinese abilities, but it's still true in some ways.

CME lessons were a huge bore. The teacher's face showed that she felt that same way too.

I've learnt to memorize chunks of information (in secondary school)-- during IH, during Biology. But during Lang. Arts and Math I think I relied more on my powers of reasoning more. In JC I realized vaguely that that was meaningless. Now, however, I still revert back to the old method of memorizing-- uses less energy but it's not so effective in the long run.
I remember how, one day, during a certain consult, our teacher emphasized painstakingly to us that we had to think, take time to think even during an exam. He said we have better brains than we think we do and we should not regurgitate content. It sounded almost like he was begging us to think, the way he said it.

I think I was attracted to KI because I felt it would help me question ideas more, and not just accept any knowledge I was fed with. And it did, I think it's the most meaningful subject I study now. It's not practical-- Biology and Chemistry would be practical-- but that hardly matters. The founders of KI, the teachers of KI-- they are my heroes. I think I'd be a more disturbed individual than I am today if there hadn't been any KI in my life.

My brain jams when I think of KI. Now all I can think of is RACING AGAINST TIME OMG!

In praise

Today's CT session was a like a breath of fresh air. They invited Royston Tan over! I think he appeared in ny last time. Before this, I dismissed him as a rookie director who was only famous for the movie 881--just a weepie, nothing else that's interesting about it. Today, I was inspired by how there are still people in our arts industry who doggedly 'do their own thing' and not conform to external standards. I wouldn't have realized this if he hadn't come to our school to talk.
On another note, do listen to this, it brightens up your day. :3

Today marks the end of a fruitless weekend.
I spent it watching Harry Potter on Friday evening :3
On Saturday I recuperated from Harry Potter Syndrome, by trawling the net for videos on the pretext of doing some thinking.
On Sunday, today, I did some thinking-- but that was all I did, there wasn't much writing-- and tried recuperating a bit more from the Syndrome. Then I went to the Scholarship Fair, and emerged from it feeling a little more inclined towards studying overseas, but still sticking with the decision to try for NUS first.(unless I make a decision to study something like occupational therapy, then I'll probably go overseas?)Then I came back and did more thinking--but that was all I did, there wasn't much writing.

Quite a bit of enjoyment this weekend but I feel like I'm stuck at the bottom of a well now. >(

If I don't treasure my future, nobody else will... Sounds a little melodramatic, but there's some truth in it, quite a large part of my career hinges on what I do to my life these few months.

One of my crazier takeaways from the scholarship talk was that I might like to study something crazy like another language e.g. ___ culture and studies. But it's not practical. And I'll get bored of it after a few days.
Another not crazy but quite earnest takeaway was that I might like to try for journalism after all. (But one reservation I still have is that I don't fancy doing crazy things and writing an article about how I spent a stupid day doing a stupid something just to write an article to bore readers about a stupid day I had.) So maybe I'd study PPE...?
Another extremely practical and not crazy takeaway was that I could study bio-engineering.
I have sort of made a decision, though, which is that I think I'd like my university studies to have at least a philosophy component.

Apparently I'm strange. Am I strange?
That's such a narcissistic question. It's rhetorical. Don't answer it.

Anyway, here's a wonderful soundtrack. It fits my mood, because I can anticipate impending doom and suffering. But in movies, suffering always brings with it a tinge of beauty, so... enjoy this... :3
Here goes.
(I think it would look quite ugly/scary on my blog if I embedded it.)

I have renewed my slight obsession with Harry Potter.
It has been a great story. :3
And the actors are so cute :D

I think I'm incapable of any other kind of writing except fangirl-speak now, because I'm trying very hard to think of how to change my IS to the way it's supposed to be, but I'm getting distracted by blooper videos and malfoy videos and snape videos and soundtracks.

My brother is trying to sing. I think he's drunk. (figuratively) He just came home all sweaty, from the hospital? He's in his own world... he can read this but he's not bothering about me at all. And he keeps spouting the phrase "fail A levels" randomly, to warn me about the perils of slacking. Now he's singing the Soviet Anthem. =.= And drowning out Darren Criss' voice in the process.
So bored, and I got infected by Potter-mania! So I took some patronus quiz and my patronus is a dolphin. Okay.
It's very hard to revert back to my mugger-self, but I have to do it sooner or later. Especially for you-know-what, which has a consult on 2 weeks time O:.
Here's some motivation material. ^_^

I'm not good at encouraging people, so I've taken a leaf out of my economics teacher's book and I'll put this video here. Because I kind of notice there's quite a few people who are getting very wound up; it's clearly written on their faces even if sometimes they don't say it. The point of the video is the crawling bit. Not very subtle, but the message is there.

Come, it's the last lap of a 6-year education, mug it but enjoy it as hard as you can... You (and I) would probably be feeling like you're stuck at the bottom of a well now, so remember to unwind first.
I've been unwinding lots, I watched glee mtvs today, watched ai (huge waste of time I thought, I think maybe my taste in TV is improving), watched the noose, and I'm feeling immensely guilty now. Guilt is just a side effect. Action is what we aim for!
On a side note I think rachel and blaine (glee) make a wonderful couple, too bad they aren't.
Am I slacking too much???

This quote is inspiring.
"Thou shalt not follow a multitude to do evil." (from Exodus 23:2)

Disclaimer: I don't need to be a Christian to quote, and the same goes for any other religion I might quote from in future.

I can hear my neighbours quarreling downstairs. What a peaceful Sunday morning.

I can't really stand this impulse to blog when I turn on the computer. I kind of miss the first half of life at hc, because they were not like now-- at least they were full of different activities! Listening to a song called Seventh Night of July now, apparently it's a band piece, and I found that out when band people started randomly posting "It's the seventh night of july!" on facebook... Kind of miss the days we were practising hard together. But it's hard to envision myself heavily involved in any kind of music next time.
Today in school the lessons were full of revision plans... and yesterday we were treated to a 45 minute speech.
I was told recently that if I find that writing is easy, it must be because I'm writing crap. Wow... tough work, tough work ahead... and it's not like there wasn't tough work before already... But it was said out of goodwill; it wasn't an insult. I have been constantly surprised at how people (note: plural) can be so encouraging and observant. It helps. I should reciprocate.

Here's an interesting link by our class' GP teacher. Ohoho. How interesting. But how disturbing, even depressing, that the writer reduces any national spirit we have into something ironic and petty...


For an awesome piano version, click! Wow!

I realized that today's horribleness could only be adequately described in Chinese. Somehow I felt that writing it down in English would be too shallow, and that would only multiply my misery. Somehow, it felt good to think in Chinese; it was even fun to try to recall how to write certain words. (oops)

A few weeks ago I decided that I'll take up another language after the a's, maybe french, maybe japanese, maybe even something obscure like russian. But I realized it would be a joke if I ignored my mother tongue for a third language.

I guess English is a language for business, and since I'm more proficient at it I've turned it into my language for thinking too. But sometimes when it comes to murkier discussions on other things, Chinese serves better (at least it did for today).

Today I was impressed with the idea that behind every genius (and there are tons of geniuses close at hand) is a sheer lot of hard work and emotional wreckage. Just think of how you've read about famous writers who've reflected about their writing experiences. I think there was this guy, erm, Joseph Conrad, who wrote something and got a nervous breakdown after that because he, well, put so much of himself into writing the book. I'm sounding doubtful on purpose, because I haven't brought myself into believing in something that is worth my sacrifice. Generally, I've realized that I don't believe in (or haven't believed in) true passion. Some people who are apparently passionate have just been shouting for the sake of making themselves heard, camwhoring for the sake of looking entertained themselves, and writing notes just to fill up that empty social circle. I'm very aware that this is a major accusation but I'm speaking from little impressions I've gathered. So it applies to very few people, and very few experiences. Oh and count in the fact that I'm probably referring to people whom I'm not close to, and so I probably have misinterpreted their actions since I don't understand them well anyway. I'm still very sure that there are many genuinely passionate people out there, and I know some of these people myself. And respect them for it. Point is, there is passion, and there is passion.

Sometimes it feels like life is one big facade because I lack it, in its purest form. Now I'm supposed to dedicate all my time into something I believe in but am not passionate about. But that's the way it is, as my mum said, there's not a choice; even she went through the same process. It's quite obvious that practicality should be ranked before vague lofty romantic ambitions I'm not even sure about.

Point being, come back down to earth. This should probably have been the first sentence, that might have saved lots of time.

Yes, today is liberation day! Which happens to mark the start of revision for prelims!:O Right whatever as if.

I'm amused at how the lyrics "say goodbye to my heart" from Animal sound like "take a bite of my heart". xD And I'm liking (what's her actual name) Rachel's voice more (in Glee). Mmm. Also, eye candy does not always have to be male (although it usually is). Another thing-- I realized Charice's voice is great!

Inane chatter much. I think my brain has been fragmenting through this whole year; it feels so squishy now.

Friends have lost no time in reminding me that the swimming module starts this term. I think I have a natural phobia of water o.o But I was quite good at swimming in primary school, then in secondary school I lost it and now I'm a helpless lump of lard in water. At least lard floats easily, if it wants to. It's surprising to remember that I went for a scuba-diving trip in Tioman in Sec 2. Although one of my strongest memories of the trip was of me clutching my friend's (pam's) hand really tightly as she half-dragged me across the sea. Nothing very much to look at-- I only remember seeing brownish seaweed and vague shadows of fish swimming past (maybe we would have seen more if we had gone to deeper waters). I do wish now that I lived in a yellow submarine, in my own private little world which I could retreat into whenever I liked. Except that I think I'll be scared being surrounded by all that water.

Cure your blues.

I can't get rid of this dreary feeling in me. It's like my brain has accumulated cobwebs already. Today I spent my day lounging around the house with my chemistry notes in one hand (trying to study) but obviously got very distracted... by songs, by the scenery outside the window... etc. Then filled my brain with fluffy happy songs (Glee, of course) with help from mum's phone. Actually they are great songs, but today after listening to Animal on repeat I felt a bit sick.


Here's the non-glee version of Animal. Very good. The Glee version is awesomely adrenaline-high too, but I figured I should give the other bands more credit.

Gotta get out of this slump...
By extrapolation, life this November will be an extended version of this...long, drawn-out, mugging...(if I do mug.) (but not mugging during a levels= crazy or what??!)

Oh oh, I want some more. Oh oh, what are you waitin' for? What are you waiting' for? Say goodbye to my heart tonight.~~

It feels like the end of blocks already. I shall not give a full account of how I spent the rest of today after chem letting my brain rot.
Instead... here's a song! My brother has recently fallen in love with the Beatles, and I've figured he does at least have a grain of pop music appreciation in him after all, after spending a decade or so listening to classical music.



This song is so cute/jubilant; it made me laugh.

Although maybe it's just because today is a pretty happy day. Punctuated with thoughts of how boring my school life is. D:

Watched a random episode of Glee on (newly-installed) cable TV today :D :D :D

Always the same sinking feeling of regret halfway through blocks! But I think I'm very used to it by now, although that's not the point. The point is, this time I should take action to make it better...

Life; labelling; realizing that labels are pointless; you are what you really are without those names. My brain feels very fuzzy now-- time to sleep.

Today during math I was thinking how nice it would be if I were in math remedial.

Here's the song that was playing in my head when I was doing stats for math:

I read somewhere that day that people nowadays are apathetic because they rely on technology to purge all their dissatisfaction (e.g. blogging, like what I'm doing now) so they don't feel like rising up to action anymore.

There are a million and one things that can show that this statement is so not true. But it occurred to me today that it does have at least a grain of truth in it.

Meanwhile, surviving blocks with occasional doses of Harry Potter (reliving my childhood) and Darren Criss' voice :D

In vagueness lies happiness~ True, it lets you dream up possibilities infinitely.

:|

"Seize the day!"

"And then I got seized by the lawnchair."

- Stone Soup

Studying at home alone. Haiz. Sometimes I wish I had a dog or a little sibling. Maybe a dog because dogs can't talk. Now that sounds mean.

Got inspired. Here's a song. Listen to the lyrics! They are important. I doubt you've heard it before because it was released in 1974.

I heard a refreshing piece of advice the other day-- Brains are for thinking, not memorising. In an exam, take time to think! Don't plunge into the answer!

You know, I kind of forgot I could think!

Meanwhile I'm floundering in KI revision. The problem with learning KI is during lessons, sometimes it sounds easy so you don't bother with further reading, and sometimes it sounds like gibberish so you think it's not going to be relevant. But hey when you start revising you realize that actually there are so many issues to look at etc. Bad idea to start revising two days before the test. O:

What do I want to do with my life?

It's hard to decide.

Best thing to do now is STUDY LIKE ALL THE HORSES OF HELL ARE AFTER ME.

I was inspired when I read this interview by Hugh Herr (the guy on yesterday's Straits Times). He said, "People who are creative don't view life as a series of successes and failures. they view life as a process of discovery and inspiration. From that comes the fearlessness required for creation and the ability to believe in something that doesn't yet exist."

I guess my main response would be that failure does not necessarily signal the end of your future-- oh, you're doomed to be unemployed and you have to beg on the streets, things like that-- and success doesn't necessarily mean you're destined for great things next time-- with lots of recognition in your job, a high pay, etc.

Just be yourself and lead an equally fulfilling life.

Either aristotle or herodotus said that one's life is not happy until one is dead-- meaning you can only judge your life when you've passed on. I think it's Herodotus because I remember reading it in Neil Gaiman. So stop evaluating your life obsessively and just move on. (of course, some self-reflection every now and then would be perfect).

I think I'm blogging now because I haven't decided what to revise next. Hmm. Bye.

Go study and stop staring at me.