I think a side-effect of the prelims I'm having is that I start to probe my inadequacies so much that I get irritated when I see people who display any sort of imperfection-- which I'm sure everyone does, including myself, since obviously nobody's perfect! 

Yet I still have no idea how to reconcile grades-chasing together with the ideals I have and the life I want. I mean, I must have studied decently enough in the past to even end up here, and I'm sure you know I'm not boasting because this is an achievement that many people have, and also "good schools" do not represent everything that is good. Anyway, so I must have fared decently, and a lot of people must have too, but what's the point of going on further if all I can do now is sit at home, cloistered away from everything happening elsewhere, and read my notes? Why can't I go out there to make a real change now? 

The only reason why, I think, is that all this learning is just some self-absorbing activity which only the narcissistic enjoy. To show to themselves that they are capable of solving complex problems and so they are Endowed, with a capital E.

Just joking, really. Don't take that paragraph seriously.

I guess school, specifically JC education, is really a privilege that I've unwittingly wandered into. I mean, I didn't really have a clear idea of what I was signing up for in secondary school, but on the other hand I was also quite sure that I didn't want to go anywhere else (or didn't know where else to go?) because that was the most obvious path to take. So, I don't hate it, but I do wonder at times what I'll be doing now if I were ... somewhere else.

The only conclusion I can come to right now is that what we're learning now is not mainly the content (you aren't going to ask your colleague next time if they know what aqueous bromine is useful for) but the thinking processes, and also the human-ish values you discover in this drawn-out, dismal struggle for perfection. 


A motivating quote from a mentor that possibly answers my question: To whom much is given, much is expected. 

On a shallower note, I'm feeling disillusioned after a week of papers and I wonder why there's such a huge gap between reality and my expectations. Are my expectations my dreams? Do dreams=expectations? I am confused. I don't think they are the same though, but while expectations are easily defined, it's really tough to be sure of what my dreams are.

On a practical note: To remind myself, I'm going to touch up my IS this WEEKENDDDDD!!!!!

And now a pretty song that will set fire to your resolve and make you study like you've never studied before:

there's really fire in her voice.