So distracted, so distracted...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E46BhMIRujI&NR=1 ! Go watch! Haha! Not to mention the fact that the guy in the audience provides some cute gay relief. :)
Oh apparently the character who's singing is gay. (not the actor)

Still doing KI research... D:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1_B9FCZJMA&feature=channel this is good too.

Oh no computer over-usage syndrome D:

*attempts to concentrate*

Okay, despite what I said, I also realized today that I'm a huge slacker, and I should be trying to catch up as best as I can now!
So we went to buy the SAT exercise book today. And a couple other stuff...

NEXT YEAR HAD BETTER BE A GOOD YEAR.

Choosing

The present is so transient...It disappears and comes again every millisecond. And what disappears is stored in our neurons as a memory.
But memories are so intangible. There is no way of telling them apart from imagination, you won't know until you realize that you remembered them wrongly.

The future is also inaccessible, and it is more of imagination than the past is.

Only the present is within our reach.
------
Anyway this is the gist of what I read in a book. Haha. The book is called The Glass Room by Simon Mawer. A very deep book, I think I haven't fully understood it yet and I should revisit it again next time.

------
Today was really and truly my last day at attachment. Keyed in some data. Before that we met the technicians and had a little chat with one of them, called A. A is smart, practical and confident. He is juggling work and studies at the moment because he's studying for a degree in public health (if I didn't remember wrongly). I think he is the most chatty technician and also the most interesting to chat with. The others are really cheerful and friendly. Actually all people are, only if you know how to hit them on the right nerve and befriend them.

Anyway, this guy was telling A that he won't study ophthalmology next time because he is not good enough. And A said, Why not? If you want something just try for it and you'll be able to get it! If you don't try you'll never get it.

These aren't his exact words, I can't remember them because what struck me more was the way he said it-- there was a definite certainty in his voice. So much certainty and confidence that till now I still feel like I can do anything I want to as long as I set my mind to it. I can even get my flabby body to conquer Mount Everest, as long as I have the determination. (But no thanks.)

To add to the effect, there was something comic, and something close to mockery in his voice. I think he didn't intend to mock. I think it was his accent that did it. And a funny eyebrow movement. Haha.

Such strong determination can help us overcome our biological limitations. It is shown here in an extension of my little recount: A suggested to the guy that he could be a pilot. The guy said, nope, it's out of the question because I wear spectacles. A then said, Then you can go for Lasik!

This little anecdote might have bored you, but to me it was the inspiration of the day.
It's really like what Dumbledore teaches us. What defines your future is not your capabilities or your innate biological limitations, but your choices. As for your choices, it's really up to you how you define your parameters: how you limit yourself to certain choices, and how you don't limit yourself.

All this choosing needs is a little more time, for some people, so I don't want to believe in cramming my portfolio with H3s and CIPs, to get some diploma, or some scholarship (although I wouldn't say no to one). All I want for next year is for me to lead a life outside school, and try to inject more meaning into my academic existence.
Okay this paragraph is a sidetrack. But what I've thought about is all up there already...

And this D, he comes from the same school as us. From what he says it seems like he regrets being associated with an institution of academic prestige. I'm not saying he hates the place, in fact he told us himself that the school gave him the best schooling experiences and really fun times, basically. But he has a disregard for academic prestige: I think he thinks it's not all there is to a person, and what the school does is measure people up in exactly those terms, those academic terms, and defines students that way.

I remember my brother saying that medicine, and other courses, are sometimes chosen because they are courses associated with the elite. And after leaving schools, elite students don't know where else to go to besides those places associated with the elite, so they sign up for courses like these, like medicine. And they don't enjoy themselves...as much as somebody who signs up because he loves the job. I know somebody like that...it's a certain doctor whom I don't visit anymore...

But I'm not saying that this D chose medicine for prestige, I don't think he did. Somehow you can tell when a person is working for money and when a person is working to live.
Although the distinction between money and life is really blurred. But you know what I mean.

Merry Christmas Eve!
I don't actually celebrate Christmas, but it has sort of become an international festival already, and since it's a day of giving thanks, I would like to thank...
(in no particular order)

My dear friends, for being my dear friends, and letting me feel like I'm a part of your life even when we are miles apart geographically! (Singapore is quite a few miles long)

The people on attachment with me at NUH, for being such a fun bunch. Holiday life wouldn't have been so fun without them.

My section-mates in band, who aren't what you would call very outspoken, or outgoing, but who have been faithfully attending every section outing! It has been fun eating/walking around with them, because I enjoy talking with them. And they are really nice people to be around. I admire some people who take the initiative to call for outings and share presents for every occasion all the time.

And of course my dear family, my mum, my bro, and my aunts and uncle too, for being my dear family.

Shall recall snippets of this week, since I don't want to do anything else and I'm so sleepy.

Went for Classiques, Philharmonic Youth Orchestra's performance, at Esplanade! All the songs were very nice, especially Gustav Mahler's song (forgot name.), and the one about Casanova. The Christmas song was nice too! :D

And today I went into the Operating Theatres to watch the doctor do some eye surgery, specifically putting a new lens into the patient's eye. The first impression I had when I went in was horror, because the eye was really bloody and red. Got transfixed by the monitor (which was connected to a camera/magnifier/microscope thingy to blow up the eye, so that the surgeons and nurses could see the eye in detail).
Not a job I would like to do.

Went for a lot of band things this week, to celebrate a section-mate's birthday, to prepare and go for band exchange, and to watch Classiques. Won't be seeing band people until 4th or 5th Jan and 6 Jan probably, because we have band chalet then!

Now that attachment is over (except that I have to go back on Monday again T.T), I should plan my time properly and make sure I really finish my homework! D:

Dreading 2011 and not wanting 2010 to end.
And I've fully come to terms with the fact that a new school term is going to start.

And a lot of people I mentioned in this post won't see this post, or this blog at all, but it's okay, because giving thanks is actually partly selfish. Besides expressing gratitude it also helps to lighten my mind...it works like a Pensieve...

Yay this week is busy but fun. :)
How to readjust to school life next year?? D: I'm gonna slip into depression in January D: Figuratively.
----
Man I just read something and it was just a phrase, like 3 words, and it demolished... a portion of the respect i had for someone...

Well but of course people are layered and multi-faceted and they are not defined by 3 words, so I'll ignore this.

Oh my I feel constipated. Really. In the most common sense of the word. It's a dull painful presence in left side of my abdomen. Urgh. I've eaten a slice of papaya and drunk a cup of water.

My brain activity has kind of ground to a halt. I think blogging might bring it back to life... then I can attempt my report... on glaucoma...

My thoughts are scattered today...my brain's data assimilating centre is not working...oughhh...

So, we all have our own ideals, of what the world should be...Or maybe not, we probably don't know yet because we (I) haven't seen much of the world.
And we also have our own ideals of what a person should be like... and we sometimes envision this person in the future, as maybe a bestest best friend, or a confidante, or the perfect spouse. Or we sometimes see all these qualities manifest in a person we already know, like our parents, or an elder relative, or a friend.

But most of the time all these ideals are not assimilated together in one person, or we find it hard to believe we can ever meet such a wonderful person in our lives, that's why we need heroes. Like Superman. Or Lai Wuji (^^). But heroes exist in reel life, and we cannot pin our hopes on fiction.

So we spot these ideals all over the place, in people we meet. Or sometimes we meet people who are entirely new (new people aren't that hard to find in my case) and they contribute to our list of ideals.
That's why we meet people. We are social creatures.
It does not do to stay in the house for...say...more than a week.

You know when you read books, the author sometimes describes the characters so well. Every change of expression.
She hastily rearranged her features.
His lip twitched. With anger I suppose.
A dark shadow crossed her eyes.

But. I mean! When you talk to people, can you really see all those things? Especially the last one. I wonder if it's possible to observe every change in expression of people around you... but I don't really want to try because I'd be classified as a weirdo before the conversation is up.

Sometimes I do catch a glimpse of an odd expression in the people I talk to. A moment of hesitation. Awkwardness. Uncertainty. Appraisal. A knowing look. And I wonder what they are thinking, for that moment.

Okay enough crapping bye. :)

Hmm. All these words I've used to describe expressions in people around me. Hmm I think they do reflect very well how people feel around me...

Hahahs today was quite a fun day. Started off really really boring though, I thought my brain had disappeared due to lack of use. Because today there were only a few patients and glaucoma patients are only a few of that few and those who fit the other criteria are a few of that few of that few.

But I really admire these free-spirited and cheerful people that I'm doing the attachment with. They seem to have no reservations shedding their guai-student image in public, they just let their hair down and enjoy themselves, in the right way. Even the staff at the hospital are charmed by how friendly they (we?) are and they also talk to us now.

The good student image has been overrated. Even though that's what I've been taught all my life. Behave yourself in public. Don't talk. Listen to them. Don't disgrace the school. So I grew up waiting for instructions and waiting for facial cues from adults. Do they want to talk to me? Do they think I'm a slacker? ...Things like that.

I suppose, on hindsight, this could be one of the differences they say there is between IP and non-IP students? But I don't want to be too sure, I'm sure these are stereotypes and stereotypes cannot be used to judge everyone.

The point is, it was quite fun in the afternoon because we started playing games, like concentration. :) and some odd form of scissors-paper-stone. :) And then we camwhored. Superbly unglam photographs on Facebook; my reputation has collapsed. Kay joking I'm sure photographs are just skin-deep... O:

I hope my life next year would not be confined to just school, and after saying this, I should take some action to make sure it happens.

Very nice song. If you're having holiday blues, listen to this, and go "I see the light!" :D

Soundtrack from Rapunzel (I See the Light) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uw6q5189kpc
Speaking of Rapunzel, I found it a really good movie. It was very touching. Not to mention the beautiful graphics. ^_^

Days are good, days are good, with my brother travelling with me to nuh every morning (till end of this week), with more chatting at NUH (getting to know fellow attachees better), with a tiny amount of homework done.

Still, feeling rather flat now. Poots.

I miss everyone

We went to visit a junior in hospital today. He went for an operation. No details, I suppose this is confidential... Anyway it was really quite a sight to make your heart melt and pity him. I know pity isn't a good word, it means like the person is on a lower level than you, but I don't mean anything like that here. Probably sympathize. Okay. Yes. If I were closer to him, I would visit him everyday, but this doesn't mean anything, this is all talk...

Then I decided to go join the rest and watch them eat dinner ( by then I had eaten). Sometimes even though you know you aren't in the centre of attention, you aren't in the know, and you feel excluded from everyone else, it's not a reason to shut yourself off and turn away from the rest.

I think I've always been quite a self-absorbed person, and I didn't like anything that didn't include myself. Come to think of it, I grew up in really familiar and sheltered environments. At NYPS, my mum and my bro were there, so there wasn't much adjusting to do. At NYGH, almost all my primary school friends were there. But now, where I am, there's a whole new batch of people, new social circles, new activities, so I'm often thrown into new situations. I've often felt tongue-tied. I've often turned away, because all the newness was a bit too much for me.

But on the way home today I thought that life doesn't always have to centre around yourself. Technically it is your life, but it does not need to always have you as the main character. The main aim of social interactions, I suppose, is to learn about other people. And part of it would also be about fulfilling some social contract, that is to say, if you have signed up to be a part of that group, then you should try to immerse yourself in that group and its activities.

And by opening my eyes, my mind, I notice truly admirable traits about more people. Even though I might not be their close friend, but just an acquaintance, I could also admire them from afar. I could dislike them too, at the same time, because no one is perfect and everyone has preferences.
And then the world seems more pretty and life seems more worth living.

So in general, today wasn't my traditional idea of fun, but it was fun in another way x)

Attachment was truly boring to the 101%, because we have finished backing up data eons ago, and there were no glaucoma patients today. But I realized that the staff there are really friendly and they talk to us, so I will grab this chance to talk to them. Of course, people on attachment with me are also really sociable, so it makes communication a lot easier.

Man I do feel like I like band and everything else more, now that I've said that.

And I cannot stop thinking about Noel, it was one of the best experiences I've had, and it's all because all of you, my family and friends, came! :D
That's what I mean, see, when I say that the concert was far from perfect in my case, but it was the process that meant everything :)

I cannot believe Christmas is coming soon, because Christmas signifies the coming of 2011. 2011 sounds disgusting, it's going to be another landslide and tsunami of work and studying, and then I'll start to mope again and my new ambition will be to turn into an Eskimo in Antarctica.
I hope not though. One year of that is quite enough.

Speaking of 2011, I need to do my homework.

Manzxzxz I miss everyone. Yes, truly everyone, everyone that I've met, everyone I've talked to, with the exception of most teachers (sorry don't want to be mean), everyone, you you you you you arghhh I miss everyone 8(

I miss those little chat sessions, like those with my ex-classmates, those talks in class at 5 pm in the afternoon, those canteen talks, even the talking we did at OBS, in the cold, cold rain, where we stood in a circle and sang something together.

I also miss those times, when I managed to slip in a chat with some acquaintances. Acquaintances, not friends, yet (who knows?). Some of these chats were really pleasant. But they are not really imprinted in my mind, they have just melded themselves into a whir of smiling faces and warm feelings.

But there's such a thing as the SMS, and I spam message people when I feel bored, alone, yadah, or when I feel ridiculously like playing clown.

Oh yeah i like this too. 50 things before entering college. http://www.mitadmissions.org/topics/life/workplay_balance_at_mit/50_things.shtml :)

Noel = happy memory! :D

Really happy that my family and friends came! :D Thank you all of you!

Was quite reluctant to leave when the concert ended. Very amused by how the audience shouted encore 2 or 3 times. I think 3.

No concert can be perfect, except for maybe a concert by the Berlin Philharmonic, and it was far from perfect in my case, but I think my mistakes couldn't really be heard ;)
But it's the process that matters!
That's what I told my brother and a section mate.

Was quite nervous actually, at the start, before Spartacus. But everyone else didn't seem to have the same jitters as I did. But Pink Panther was really fun to do.

Looking forward to the next concert taking place next June! :)

Eeek it's concert day tomorrow! It's the first concert I've had since P6 (? i forgot) okay it's quite unnerving.
Just being on stage and seeing the crowd is exhilarating enough already. I must keep my blood pressure low and breathe normally!
Today, we tried to master the art of playing the instrument and prancing around at the same time. Don't ask why. Only Noel concert-goers will find out why. :D
If erm uh anyone who reads this hasn't gotten a ticket and wants to come, though I highly doubt it, just come and buy tickets at the door!
HCI Cheng Yi Auditorium 7.30 pm.
It's never too late! It's only regret that comes too late!

Hoho, back from cruise! Quite fun, ate a lot, the tours weren't very good, because of the traffic jams and the long-winded tour guide, food was good, place was nice. I can't stand it, facebook is not as active as it used to be...

Actually it was quite nice, not bringing my handphone onto the ship. Didn't keep checking it and twirling it around with my fingers, felt more relaxed. Should just chuck my handphone away for the rest of my life but I think that wouldn't be practical.

We are all geographical people, and we don't talk to the people far away from us, physically, as much as the people around us. Even though these people are our close friends. So I suppose the amount of talking one does isn't a measure of how many friends one has...
Like this poem says, some people talk and talk and make you want to cry. (PDD, last page, I think)And some people touch your hand and music fills the sky~

I'm such a lazy undisciplined ass because whenever I get out of the house and return in the late afternoon I don't feel like doing homework for the rest of the day, and I just slack off. And given that I will be doing that for the next 2.5 weeks, I have a lot to worry about >(

Anyway, I was doing a bit of thinking about next year and what I'm going to do after that. All this planning sounds really great, on the surface: When people asked me what I want to do after JC, I used to feel this ballooning inside me, like I was going to tell them something great, something noble, something that could save the world, and I would smile, and then somehow I would tell them, I don't know.

I think doing a H3 is wonderful-- it's not just that it will add to your portfolio if you get an A, it's also because you'll get to learn a lot of interesting stuff. But it's a huge burden. I know if you're really interested in something you should say, yes, it's a burden, but it's a sweet burden, things like that. On a more practical note, it's usually better to know your limits, as all well-meaning/discouraging people say, so I think I have decided to let it go, and go easy on myself and my white hair. I suppose one can never learn enough, but is it really wise to squeeze all that mugging into one short year?

This brings me to another point, and please stop reading if you have some place else to go, because I'm just going to ramble and garble on about myself.
I think I've cancelled medicine off my list for university courses.

Reason 1 being that I'm not up to standard, in the sense that I'm not a do-gooder. I think you need to have lots of CIP and hospital attachments for that, and I haven't done any of those, and it's not possible to squeeze all that into J2, unless I want all my hair to turn white from keeping late nights and running around.

Reason 2. Medicine (the course) is tough work and is too overwhelming for flimsy-minded people like me. By flimsy-minded, I mean, people who like to daydream, are not disciplined with their time, are fickle-minded, and spend quite a lot of time being confused. I'm not criticising myself. I quite like to daydream and ponder about things a lot.

And why do my relatives' faces turn into a grimace when I tell them medicine sounds interesting? Lol...

I suppose there are many other ways I could earn a decent living and help other people too, when I get out of school.

On a side note, band pracs are quite satisfying. 8]
Just that I don't mix around a lot, and I prefer to go away and spend time by myself when I find myself caught in social situations I feel uncomfortable in.
To each his (her) own.

Gonna watch 破天网 now 8]. Why oh why am I slacking *whacks self figuratively*

I suppose I am really lazy, although I'm also surprised that I haven't realized it earlier. Took 17 years of being lazy to realize what laziness was.

I'm a sinner, I didn't wish my friend happy birthday. 8( Is playing my lungs out on an instrument a good excuse for forgetting? >(

Going for cruise tomorrow :D Shall see if there are nice souvenirs? :)

Cruise means just eating a lot right? Because they chuck a bunch of restaurant vouchers when you book the cruise I think. Maybe I'll come back 10 kg heavier nooooooooo...

A new talent! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZTsqmiOyRg Never mind he has a weird name, never mind he's 4 years younger than I am, he's better than Justin Bieber! :)

Band was quite pleasant today. At least I wasn't as lost as I was last Saturday, when I was the only player.
Something amusing happened today. The conductor singled me out today and asked me to play the chromatic scale while he held the tuner next to me. Why? Because I was an example of someone who plays out of tune.

So yes, definitely must go and practice and get in tune. 8]

But the conductor is quite nice, he always puts negative things across in a nice manner.

If I like band enough by the end of next year, maybe I'll consider continuing after JC.

Should start doing homework, and study also; but cannot mug now, if not will burn out later, according to my friend who quoted the J2s.

So. I shall watch 爱. What an exciting way to spend my nights. :)

Wow I've hit 200 posts?

Sometimes I feel like I haven't talked enough on some days, and maybe that's why I come here to do more talking. Indeed I didn't do ANYTHING at all today. At NUH I mean.

Today was the last day all 8 of us will go to NUH... I think I had quite a lot of fun mixing with them, there are really nice people in there :3 People who allow others to kope their iPhones every minute to play NinjaJump and TapTap, including me, and I'm proud to say that I'm the lowest-scoring person for both games; people who are easy to chat to; people who just have "laugh now!" written on their noses. I mean that in a good way...

When people ask me what I want to study at university, I think my true answer is I don't know? But the answer that comes to mind first is medicine. Do I really want to study that actually?

I think for the past 11 years of school I've been waiting for things to happen to me. Maybe I should start making things happen to me? As in, I feel like I should apply myself more to the world outside, and stop cooping myself up in the world of school, home and school. But this requires concrete plans, which I should dream up the next few days. No, dream is not a good word. I should start to seriously consider these plans.

I think I've only got half a foot in the idea of taking H3 next year... Firstly, I regret not appealing for the pharm chem course, and now it's too late. And now the only H3 option open to me is Proteomics for Biology and I think I honestly don't have the intellectual capacity to handle that, plus all my H2 subjects. And the MOE H3 exam is around the same time as A' levels. It's a wonder I even have half a foot in the idea of taking H3.
And also, if I can do well for all my H2 subjects, it would be quite a wonderful thing already...

I miss school. I mean, the environment that school immerses me in. Still, the holidays are like a sweet breath of fresh air in the middle of all the mucky polluted air that is sometimes school so I do appreciate it. Although I wish my holidays were busier? Still, those free days I have now could be used for lost family and friend time that I didn't set aside during term time.

Should start researching for KI soon. I was thinking of one or two topics yesterday, and all those big questions came up in my mind, and all these questions came quite fuzzily, like I haven't been in touch with big issues for a long time, and doing research suddenly made my brain switch to an unused ground that seemed slightly deja vu.
I was thinking about doing something about the death sentence in Singapore and how it relates to our understanding of human nature. Like, do we think human nature is good or bad, and how does this justify our government's stand on capital sentences? I did some research and nothing really concrete could be found. Everything was quite fuzzy and sometimes the research meandered into religious ground, which I don't want to be touching on in my project.

I think religion doesn't feature heavily in my life right now... it's like something I bother to think about because it's what my family believes in. I think when people grow older, they naturally turn to religion more, so I think I'll be more religious next time.
Although I really don't have an answer to why there was a big bang in the first place, and why us apes came wandering onto earth.
But I think some lessons in Biology this year really cleared things up about how the earth is today.

If the world ends in 2012, at least that will give us enough time for a short break between JC and university, so we can do our favourite things first before we all vapourize and become nothing more than particles of rock and gas in outer space.

I feel like kicking myself for not being a kiasu-kid earlier. >( Kiasu-kids open more doors of opportunity (which could also lead to dead ends,though) but slackers like me just shut these doors, and after a while when it's too late they realize they actually want it.

Maybe I feel like doing the same for not being smart enough. But ignore this.

Maybe all this is so that my plate, being very small, will not overflow and stuff on it will not tumble onto the ground like the meatball in the Spaghetti Song.

On top of spaghetti,
All covered with cheese,
I lost my poor meatball,
When somebody sneezed.
It rolled off the table,
And onto the floor.
And then my poor meatball,
Rolled out of the door...

How dramatic. ^_^
It's was one of our campfire songs. Lolz.

I think I'm secretly a very fussy person and I avoid whatever disturbs my routine, and my state of mind. I don't know.
A bit boring today cos I was the only one at the clinic. Everyone was somewhere else. Had a whole clinic of people to myself and only got 1 interviewee!
Still, it's not the quantity that matters, it's the experience, yeah...

Somehow today was a draining day although nothing much happened at all, I suppose it's because it's Monday and I always feel sleepy on Mondays. I'm running out of clothes to wear to the hospital... maybe I'll go in my pajamas tomorrow...

Managed to get a swap for my shift for attachment... so now I'll be able to go for more band, but it isn't really much. Even though I've swapped I still only have 4 more pracs before concert... how? D: But I guess 4 pracs would make a difference if I just make full use of them.

SO NOW my last few weeks of december are gone! To nuh! Argh...

It's so admirable, you know, how some people write so well and suss out deep knotty issues so clearly.

I don't understand myself.
After a whole year of spending all my days in school, doing homework, making friends, I've finally come to the holidays, and I've come back to myself, and I wonder who this person is that I've been for 17 years.

I cannot pinpoint within myself a purpose. Like, what do I want out of life?

I hope I'm not being an angsty teenager who's complaining about life that she actually doesn't understand, yo.
Would my mum be worried if she saw this.

Actually attachment is getting more fun. x) I mean, there's a lot of walking around and staring blankly, waiting for new patients to come in so you can ask them if they have glaucoma, but other than that, interviewing itself is really quite a pleasant job. The coffee from the vending machine is quite wonderful too, and seeing that I'm a non-coffee-drinker, it's saying something! Plus today was fun because I finally observed for myself what tap-tap the game is all about. :D

I asked my mum that day why I was studying in a jc, because I was suddenly struck by the idea that working in NUH's ophthalmology department as a technician really isn't a bad job at all-- you get to see all sorts of patients and probably make small talk with them if you want to, and it's also quite cosy, what with air-cons, and hot and foamy coffee, and a nice white lab coat for you.
And she said I shouldn't say things like that because I was scaring her, and she explained to me what all this studying would amount to in the end, which I'm sure all of you are very familiar with so I won't write them down here. At the end of it I concluded she made more sense.
DUH!, I'm sure.

First week has been quite relaxing cos in the day,I go to NUH; in the evening, I post something on my blog; tis quite a comfortable life.

Poey. I mean J. :D I don't really know what these supposed walls are really. But I suppose working in a place other than school and my home helps remove these walls :) like NUH.
I think volunteering at a hospital is quite a fun idea. It's just about whether I have time.
Of course, it's up to you to make time for yourself, that's what my mum would say immediately if I were to tell her this.

If I were stranded on an island, and I could take just one song with me, I'd take this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEUfscdqpNg&feature=related <33 A piano cover of one of Yiruma's songs.

Maybe when you can't find any reasons to encourage yourself to do something, but you cannot let it go, you should just have a go at it...?

There were reasons but they are starting to seem more and more unfounded.

(nothing to do with attachment)

Well if you say your world is small, I now feel like mine is smaller, because the only people I know outside are people I've got to know from ny and ny and hc. But I'm not saying this in a i'm-worse-than-you-so-stop-complaining kind of tone I'm just reflecting about my own life after reading about yours.

Sigh I feel like I'm in a bit of a limbo myself.

As I thought to myself earlier, I've sold my holidays to an attachment. After I really found out what was in store ahead of me I couldn't help thinking of all the things I'd miss out on, one of the most obvious ones being Band pracs on Wednesdays and Fridays, and this is quite disastrous since concert's coming up. And other things being outings with friends and I suppose, homework time. But another part of me thinks that I shouldn't allow myself to bum around at home since I lack the self-discipline to go out and chuang3 on my own, by doing some self-initiated CIP or going to work or things like that. So I shall just do it positively and after all it is interesting working with new people, new people being other hc people from other classes, and staff members at nuh. And wearing work-clothes, yeah.
This is such a roundabout train of thought I'll never get tired of thinking about what I just wrote; as I've said above I've thought about this before.

Anyway I had my first day of attachment yesterday. No one to interview because the glaucoma clinic was closed, except for one patient who happened to be there, so my friend went to interview her. So I spent the day backing up data (images, videos) in a hard disk and chatting with fellow attachees (hmm) and going in and out of rooms, watching how people's eyes were scanned. Saw images of retinas and and irises, things like that. Addressed a staff member as auntie and promptly heard her friend laugh non-stop about it, so paiseh. x)

Mmm I suddenly feel like I'm very narrow-minded, like I'm a turtle at the bottom of the sea complaining about how dark the bottom of the sea is.

Mmm I'm missing out on band pracs which do sound quite fun, from what pling says, and I'm going to turn up for band prac on saturday sounding like I've never played the euphonium even once. Actually I won't make any sound at all, I'll be too busy figuring out how to count and gaping at the notes because they are too high or something >( .
Btw, I hope you can tell I'm exaggerating.

And I do feel quite bad for skipping two outings in a row, the first being fac outing and the second being sec 4 class outing.

Meant to do some homework tonight but I didn't know how to do about half of it (maths tutorial) and if anyone has done it, please call me and introduce yourself as my P&C fairy godmother.

Spent my day absorbed in a book called Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro.

Goodnight, and this turtle is going to sleep in her very dark room.

Read this. http://singapore2025.wordpress.com/2010/10/22/marshall-of-singapore/ :) It is an interview of David Marshall in 1994.

PW is over! It wasn't exactly a whole year's of hard work (at least for me) but it was hard work and all this hard labour is now past! Felt wonderfully free after our group's Q and A. Some odd questions but I think my group answered well.
I like my group. :)

Then went for class chalet, yes quite fun, tried to learn how to play mahjong for the 2nd time in my life, half-succeeded (at least I know what's hu2 okay) because half of the time I didn't know what to do next. Also lots of cooking and lots of washing up. And a cute kitten :3 But while playing with it I suddenly got worried that it'd poo on me so I quickly scooped it up and passed it back to jm.

Band. Very messy. I keep forgetting how to count. Not looking good! Seeing as I might miss a lot of band pracs. Sigh later cannot perform for concert. B|

A bit sian now. I don't know why. I think it's the prospect of not being in school with friends and classmates within an arm's reach, for many weeks! Still holidays are looking quite exciting I think I will have a lot of time to emo.

Next year would be a tough one. J2. SYF. I mean this doesn't look like much, it's only 5 characters long, but I think it's quite a combination to tackle.

Oh it's quite scary. Just a few more weeks to go and I'll be in J2. Then a year will fly by and I'll be taking A levels then after that we'll all be picking our own universities and we'll be scattered across the world (well not really everyone will either go to US or England or stay here) and we'll say goodbye to another phase in our lives, and bid farewell to our current circle of friends and move on to make new ones.
But of course friends stay in touch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhRvd0bzIoE Now don't dismiss this as fluff.
This song reminds me of how I used to stare at his videos with glazed eyes. Lolz. Used to. But he's still a wonderful singer. :)

My PW group leader is awesome. :D

Tips for nervous people like me. Two more days.
http://www.wikihow.com/Not-Get-Nervous
http://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-Looking-Nervous

Just made a mistake! D: I hate feeling like I just did something stupid. Sometimes I hope that I will never ever make a mistake in my life so that I can avoid that feeling. So sometimes I shut out all tell-tale signs and tell myself that it was fate and not myself that caused the mistake. Or sometimes I just don't do anything so I won't make mistakes. But sometimes when it's glaringly obvious that the problem lies with me then I'll feel like that.

But never mind, I suppose life is all about alternating between feeling smart and feeling stupid, so I shouldn't avoid it. If not I'll only have half a life?

Wow today was quite epic I just tried to shut out all signals of negativity coming towards me.

Maybe I should learn to embrace negativity.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm almost autistic. Because I think I behave like that occasionally, but not often enough to actually be diagnosed as autistic. Because autistic people try to shut out the external world right?

The man who smokes so much, the rims of his eyes are permanently red. He looks like he hasn't slept in 10 years.

The beautiful girl whose head is so empty, any idea that goes inside practically bounces about.

The girl who has decided to skip her Chinese examination on Wednesday.
Yes, it has been decided.
It has been reasoned out that, if a year is not enough, two days would hardly be enough too.

Today rates 9.5 out of 10 on the Sian Scale. B|

Guess what. I have embraced K-Pop and I think Lollipop is cute.
Oh my, Armaggedon is here!

I made another discovery. Yann Tierson, he's as great as Yiruma, if not better! 8D http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyCRJmerW1Q This is called Comptine d'un Autre été. Whatever it means. But it's really nice. Nice is so over-used, but you know what I mean right.

Omg, my dear piano, here I come!!! After OP.

The things my brother does in school...the things he sees...wouldn't look out of place in a movie like Hannibal Rising or Saw.
He's having his Pathology posting! Which sounds really...gross.

Note that I'm not criticizing the school or its syllabus, or making fun of it... I just think my brother is really cool and if I were him I'd faint on the spot and have to be carried out of the school on a stretcher.

Felt extremely sad today after a whole hour of lecturing from our CT. I mean, she's with child and she stood for the entire hour without resting, and lectured us. Of course the class was dead silent. We could hear everyone else celebrating the last official day of school.
That actually isn't the main point. The thing about the lecture was that what she said was really quite true and I felt thoroughly inadequate after it.

Have made plans for this week and the coming week; must put it into action!!

Looking forward to class chalet next thursday! But before that would be lots of mugging and hard work.

Socially inept.

Wonderful lyrics:
Vanilla Twilight (by Owl City)
"And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here"

Just finished up OP slides yay.
Feeling so peaceful now, even though I know there's a monstrous load of work behind me.^_^

I just don't want to face up to this one thing, and my mum asked me about it just now. It felt like the way I do when I put my hand down on the canteen table and feel something gooey, and think it's something okay, like spilt gravy, but look down and realize it's bird poo.

D:

Anyway it's not anything serious and I'm not emo-ing!

On Friday I was so sleepy the whole day but I just couldn't fall asleep, for some reason, during ct session, even though I closed my eyes and purposefully went into zen mode.
And before that it was quite epic, because almost the whole class was in the library chionging out the WR.

After that I went for Bio O. Biodiversity. Didn't find it very engaging, maybe because my brain was slow and received the "go into zen-mode now" message later than it was supposed to. Anyway I think Biodiversity is more interesting learnt out in the fields or in dissection sessions. :)
Except for the time when I pinned a cricket to the board and it suddenly came to life. O: Will not forget that in a hurry.

Then it was CCA. That was a total failure, I couldn't play anything and I spent half my time staring at my score and trying to catch what the sec 4 high school player was playing. That still didn't help because it meant that I came in half a count late, if I decided to play at all, and played all the notes at odd pitches. 8(
And it's almost going to be our concert piece. I'm supposed to learn it all by next week!
Oh friends, go for band concert yah! :D

So, what I need is practice for my instrument.

But what I really need to do now is to do some PW.

Then tomorrow what I really need to do is some good studying.

Bye!

Been keeping late nights, although I usually fall asleep at the computer/on the sofa without knowing I just fell asleep.
So free now because I'm waiting for the hugeass file to upload into the email.
After this phase, this WR, is over, I will study for Bio O!

I actually felt a twinge of regret when I realized that tomorrow's the last day of school. I mean, this week has been quite hellish but I think school is still, in general, very fun, and I think I will miss it.

"Make use of your holidays to prepare for J2 arhh!"-- All our teachers
Wise words...

Wow I've never stayed up so late before. Tomorrow I'm really going to be a walking zombie. Oh no I'm going to grow wrinkles and look OLD.

PW is so...!

Just today, we... URGH nvm don't say not safe to say k bye.

OMG damn scared later get C for PW how? D:

Wow I feel so awake. It's 2.30am. Be proud of me, all ye other night owls!

OH NOOOOOO why am I still slacking?! Back to work back to work back to work!
PW. Bio. Maclaurin's Expansion test.
Chinese. (erm...)

I will repent because Tomorrow is coming, and Tomorrow I'm going to see how badly I've done for Maths and Biology.
I don't think I studied hard for Maths at all.

Hello my results! My dreams are slipping further and further away...

The post-promo period tests one's ability to take failure and keep faith in oneself. Might have done badly, but well at least you tried, and you know you'll try equally hard, if not harder, next year!

Anyway, be happy, if not on your deathbed you'll regret not letting yourself be happier; saw poey's post.

I can't stand it I'm getting in touch with my Chinese/Hokkien roots and watching 爱 everyday. There's this guy called Lai Wuji; he's super fun to watch :D

For some reason, I found Super Junior's Bonamana MV engaging. It was quite a wonderful work of art.
HAHAHA... I'm serious. I always am.
Maybe I'll make watching Korean band's MVs a new pastime.
I think it was a refreshing change from listening to gloomy old English songs, yelling about how pathetic the world is and how mean that girlfriend was, etc, etc.
Although Westlife is still my all-time favourite. And Owl City. And the occasional Katy Perry, maybe. And not to mention, Lord of the Rings songs!!!

PW has reached a whole new level. Wow...

Now that I'm going to get back all my promo papers, I know I will either feel relieved, or utterly disappointed, or find myself in between relief and disappointment. Of course, there is also trepidation, because I'll wonder if my revision was enough, and I'll wonder if I can reach the top of that mountain I set my sights on in the first place.
Today was a mixture of relief and disappointment...Satisfactory.

Oh and for another unknown reason I find this picture post-worthy. Who is this? Someone enlighten me. OMG lol.




What is happening to me I think it's the result of having URGENT PW to do but not wanting to do it. Oh if jh sees this she'll keel me...

Get alive, and do things!!!

Wasted whole day away today. 8(

Dreary post alert...
Used to segregate my life into: Normal school life, exam time, and slack time. But it probably won't work now, seeing that I've slacked all my days from end of promos till now and accumulated quite a lot of backlog already. Shall stop wasting time, soon, and do some work.
Feeling unusually at peace with everything around me, which also means not in the mood to talk to people physically around me. Feeling at peace enough to want to camp outside in a tent and wonder about life's great mysteries, whatever they are. Haven't stared at the stars in a long time...
Listened to some oldies today... 周华建,邓丽君... her voice is really nice! Can't actually find a modern substitute for her.
Played the piano today...yay! Just some old songs I rummaged out. Quite annoyed that the lizards actually climbed onto my piano to relieve themselves GRRR. But it just shows that I haven't been using my piano for a very long time, because in my house, disused furnitures always become toilets for lizards.

Looking forward to lessons resuming, surprisingly. I just want to get back to that routine even though it previously robbed me of lots of sleep. I don't want JC to end! More precisely, I don't want JC1 to end.

SNORE.

Einstein Inspires

Albert Einstein:
"Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school."

"Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater."
(very comforting.)

"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."

"Imagination is more important than knowledge."

"One had to cram all this stuff into one's mind for the examinations, whether one liked it or not. This coercion had such a deterring effect on me that, after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distasteful to me for an entire year."

MUST slog for PW!!! 1 more month! And we will be able to reap the sweet fruits of our slogging!!! I suppose.

List of authors to look up in library:
1) David Sedaris
2) Salman Rushdie
3) Guy Gavriel Kay

List of sheet music to look for:
1) Yiruma's pieces


Today was fun. Looking forward to attachment! :)
Doctor and nurses were very friendly and the RP students were... different. Most of us were stonefaced at first including me, but most of them came across as street-smart, socially smart.
And most of them have worked before or are working. Hey I want a part-time job too! But I'm just talking here because I know I'll never (not in the near future) muster enough willpower to a) scout for a job b) sacrifice my own time and c) get my mother's permission to go out and work.
He says that JC students like to think in straight lines, and walk in straight lines, and even when they reach a wall they don't stop, they just zhuang4 qiang2.
O:

But I do agree, to some extent. Sometimes after reflecting on how I think I feel like I've been bred to think in black and white. After all my life has been a breeze so far, and I've never had to fight hard for something I really wanted. And I'm not just thinking about IP, where we can just go straight to that elite JC without groveling with the rest of the nation in O'levels.

You're smart. You're not so smart.
You're hardworking. You're lazy.
I'm privileged. You're not. I should pity you.
I see my surroundings as this binary system. Maybe I see things in between, gray areas, but that's all, my world has just black, white and grey.
Tunnel-visioned.
I want to see the world!

Oh wtpeep Monday is not a free day for me. Zzz! Anyhow. I suppose it will be fun. It will be something different from going to school.
Anyway, I'm FREE today.
The Black Shadow of Mordor has passed!

Dreams should be made of paper so you can blow them away when you know you can't reach them.

Post-promo to-do list:
Somehow I think the whole "post-promo" label makes our lives sound really narrow. It's like BC and AD; Promos are apparently such a huge milestone in our lives.

1) Re-read LOTR
2) Read other books: Guy __ Kay (?), Salman Rushdie, other unread books at home, read classics, Sylvia Plath, raid my brother's room for books.
3) Play piano! and go and find new music to play
4) Be happy
5) Mug for J2 (NO.)
6) PW i love pw.
7) LOTR movie marathon HAHAH
8) Do something weird like learning how to knit

I need to re-appreciate the beauty of the writing in LOTR. :D

And discover the beauty of so many other books.

Remembered what jyun said today: http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn19429-laws-of-physics-may-change-across-the-universe.html so cool!

Cute (song): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2DLp-vE3AKg

I'm reading about the poet Sylvia Plath's life on Wiki and it made me really scared for a while. It made me realize how unimaginably scary it is to be really depressed and to have no one but yourself for company. To be trapped in your own mind. D: Apparently people who practise the arts (particularly poetry) are more likely to be depressed, especially female poets. :X

So, so depressed.
Usually in the middle of exam periods I have neither the mood nor the time to feel depressed, but now I do.
I feel like my self-worth has plummeted 100 points, yes, from 100 to 0.
I think it's partly because of Bio today. Bio was just a disaster. 10 on the Richter scale. Then again, I've never done a Bio paper which didn't feel like a disaster. But it still isn't good news, because I feel worse than I did after the block tests.
And then it's also because of some other more intangible reason... the general feeling that Chem and Maths aren't going to be any better.

But now that I've typed all this out it somehow feels like all this is just stupid black fluff that is out to get my morale down. Okay. Let me cheer up. Twang!

This is addressed to my future self who will look at my Promo marks and be shocked and emo and whatever. I feel like it's okay to make mistakes now. Even if I make a mistake everyday of my life, which is really quite pathetic, but possible, because (school) life is pathetic, but even if I do, as long as I learn from it, it will be fine. I might have regrets at the end of the day, but it is still better than ignorance, ie. not knowing your mistake. And also I need to warn my future self that no matter how well I do, there will always be people better than me, and such is the case for everyone, not just me. So it is bad to compare, as long as it involves comparing yourself with somebody else. And I also need to remember what wise teacher Mr Tan said-- "You are not your grades".

And I feel inspired by people who can go through 3 emotionally-gruelling days of Promos and still sound so happy, motivated, and ready to run.
Actually, KI wasn't very gruelling. Econs was...not gruelling either but after that I discovered mistakes but I don't care. And Bio was a catastrophe.

So I will go and study Chemistry now and hope that it will just be a gentle breeze on my face tomorrow.

And on Friday my self-worth will go up again, because I will be able to do all the things that I haven't been able to do.

Like playing the piano! Reading!

Oh noes I wasted so much time I'm going to dai for chem.

After reading about the two university students who died, and MM Lee's wife who passed away, I have come to a new conclusion, which was obvious a long time ago, just that I didn't realise it. Life is short. Therefore, my new life ambition is to be a happy person.

Sometimes there are things that make you worry and question your self-worth, like maybe the Promos, but tell yourself that if you try your best (and only you know what best means) then at the end of Promos you'll be a happy person. There, life ambition fulfilled (for that moment).

And my classmates have been sending us motivational messages almost everyday. Was slightly surprised initially, because I actually found some of them inspiring.

Revision doesn't ever seem to end. Especially for Bio. O:

Also, this is quote-worthy:

"3) The world won't collapse on you even if you happen not to be able to make it past your target mark/grade (touch lots of wood....). Always remember, we teachers are here to help you shoulder the world should it happen to fall on you!
(4) If there is a will, there is a way. Study hard is one such way!"

Aww. <3

OMGAAHHHHDDDDD 3 DAYS TO PROMOS.

past few days I was just aware of promos, the fear only just kicked in today. and the whole day today I was feeling so ~.~ I wasn't really in the mood to study.

there's no time to talk about moods now.

now it's time to respond to the fear.

zen,

tune in to brain,

study.

KI, Econs, Bio, Chem, Maths.

Wheeeeeee.

Koped. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlW5c4tInvY&feature=player_embedded#! Damn awesome! Ignore the hyperactive eyebrows though. ^^

Omg 8 days to promos. I've been having random :O! moments when I realize how little time there is left.

And oh my I don't understand series and sequences I'm gonna fail the test tomorrow. I think my brain is just not large enough to accommodate terms stretching to infinity, or something.

Don't feel very contemplative nao, and I don't think I'm even coherent.

I think the drive I have pales so much in comparison to what some others have.

Now I'm fuzzy-brained and ring-eyed but I haven't done anything much today. PW, a bit of chem, a bit of math.

Now, compared to some other people, they can achieve 10 times of that in one night. And they have other commitments.

And I feel so narrow-minded.

I will open my eyes bigger then.

:X

Poof. Goodnight.

Am here to do PW and I couldn't resist coming here.

May it Be (from Lord of the Rings, sung by Enya)

May it be an evening star
Shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls
Your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh, how far you are from home

Darkness has come
Believe and you will find your way
Darkness has fallen
A promise lives within you now

May it be the shadows call
Will fly away
May it be your journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun

Darkness has come
Believe and you will find your way
Darkness has fallen
A promise lives within you now

A promise lives within you now

Naise lyrics. Darkness is already here and will be at it's max in 2 weeks, but we will all strive on like good students, like we've always done even in secondary school, and pass this wonderfully!

:D

MugMugMugMugMugMugMugMugMugMugMugMugcosMuggingismylifeandMuggingismylifeandthere'sno other wayaroundthat

Just now my mum asked me to rate my work attitude on a scale of 1 to 10. o_O? I think she's worried. Heh. Probably sighed/groaned too much while doing math.

My math revision has come to a standstill. Yikes.

PW. Bye.

Why do I feel like it's a normal school day T.T

It's not cause it's 16 days to Promos.

Contemplated going for band dinner today, since I had no dinner at home. Then decided against it. I wonder if I'm shutting myself out. Then I decide that I'd spend a more fruitful time by myself/at home.

The present as a gift to the future.

And being a turtle.

And I realize that if I leave my thoughts behind and really talk to people sincerely they will do the same too.

Yesterday we went to NUH to meet the doctor in charge of our project. Ex Hwa Chongian. His mannerism and speech was clinical and quite humourous.

Hoho.

And then the research fellow came across as strict and motherly.

I didn't talk a lot, in fact probably not at all, there were 7 of us there.

I feel like most doctors are partly resigned to their fate of being always at the beck and call of their patients, and the other part is they always seem to enjoy thinking about Life itself. Because they (okay I've only met 2 like that....but yah...) always complain (casually/good-humouredly) about

a. Long hours

b. Low pay (for non-consultants I guess)

c. Odd patients (who "tell you that their backside is itchy at 2 am in the morning" LOL)

But in the end they always give you the impression that they are genuinely cheerful about life itself, albeit with a pinch of resignation/weariness, although that's harmless. My previous family doctor really enjoyed talking to us whenever we went to visit him.

Of course there are always the black sheep in every profession, and in the medical profession, having black sheep is just... catastrophic.

----

Anyway, I don't usually quote my brother, because he's so wacko (oops don't take it too negatively bro :D ), but there are always exceptions.

So the most important thing is to fulfill that niche first, and enjoy yourself, without worrying too much about the reward. Ultimately, there are other means of fulfillment out there, which may be harder to achieve than even these wealth and fame stuff.

Given that I'm still in JC I doubt I have the luxury of contemplating for myself what the "other means of fulfilment" are. But for now I think I should enjoy my life. I don't mean like I enjoy studying for promos, but I should enjoy my JC life. It's just 2 years, the last two years of schooling, because "university" doesn't quite fit with "schooling". It's the last 2 years I have spending everyday with people I know and can trust.

And given that today's the supposed deadline for our PW, I don't have time to spend here anymore ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oh btw this is awesome

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCSe66pWNmc&feature=related

YIRUMA :D South Korean pianist.

Should be great for mugging. Soothing your nerves while attacking Maths. Yepzxzzxzxzzxzxzzx

不自量力

I overestimated myself a few months ago when I signed up for o levels. Higher chinese.

Last time I signed up because I actually thought it would be manageable to get an A, without a teacher to coach me. -.-

Now over-achiever-mania has caught up with me and I have to deal with all this excess baggage.

Sigh I went to read the website about withdrawing from the exams and they said withdrawal letters must reach them by 30 June -.-

Seriously contemplated ponning.

But Cheryl reminded me about checking when the o levels actually are. It's on 10 nov. So maybe can just 拼了.

Excess baggage!!

I have learnt my lesson.

凡是不能不自量力！

I'll just deal with O's LATER.

And chuck it into the fridge to rot first.

Last day of Term 3!

Before you read on, I'm sure you can anticipate the next sentence.

Bingo.

The sentence is,

"And I was feeling emo today."

Many many reasons, as always, many people are emo because of a multitude of factors.

Hormones... no one wants to 'friend' them... whatever...

Okay I shall cut to the point. If there's even one in the first place.

After school the first thing I wanted to do was to write on my blog. Then after that I thought for a while and I thought that I was just being emo again and so I ignored the impulse to write. Now I'm not so emo, I've come online.

I just hate it when people don't listen. They see you, but they stare right through you. Social niceties are just a mask. I could go on and on about this, but I think I shouldn't.

Maybe I should question whether I myself have put in effort to listen to other people, to take notice of them and their opinions. I doubt I have.

Since I haven't done the same to them, maybe I shouldn't have such high expectations, and I should stop complaining. I should just do my part and maybe work another way so that I can be heard better.

I have also realised, in the short space of one evening, how mechanically I have been living my life. It's easy to lose ourselves in this clockwork that is school. I've been clinging on to the notion that all I'm working for is getting good grades, and that is all that is enough for my life, at least for now. Dreams? Aspirations? Let's just wait till I'm freer to think about them.

I hear people talking about things they are seriously interested in. They're really passionate. When they talk I can really see their faces shine. Not kidding. Or maybe it was the light and the oil on their faces. -.- Point being, they are really passionate. They find time to realize their interests outside of work/school.

And then I feel ashamed of myself because my life in JC so far has been so shallow. Homework, mug for tests, get test papers back, cycle repeats. I haven't actually paid attention to my interests (i'm not even sure they exist, actually). I cannot share with others what I'm interested in because i don't even know it myself.

Actually I am interested in what I learn. Maybe I've just been seeing them all wrong. I see what I learn, and I immediately think, okay, that's going to come up for the exams. I've always thought in terms of what has practical value. That one, extra, don't need to read. I've forgotten the larger picture, I've forgotten to link them back to real life and to myself and everyone else. I lose sight of why I study.

Given that it's promos in 4 weeks though, it's seriously time to be more practical. But I mustn't forget, after promos has passed, what I'm really interested in.

I think school is awesome for those who are really passionate about their field of study.

Was very quiet in school during the afternoon and in the evening too. I think my expression was permanently like ._. and I don't know why, I was just stuck like that and I wasn't even thinking of anything that could make me ._.

Mum asked me why I was so quiet today. I said I don't know, and she didn't believe me, but I really didn't know so I said that again and blamed it on 'mood swings'.

Read Life! today and I saw a commentary about a Chinese drama serial called 大女当嫁. It apparently tries to convey the message that romance is a luxury. I think this is such a common and understandable notion nowadays. But Google doesn't seem to realize it, I typed in "romance as a luxury" and it gave me things like "Luxury Romance Hotels" and "keeping the romance with a luxury wedding" etc. So many people place so much importance on their work nowadays. Sometimes they feel like shifting their life's focus onto something else, but their work demands that they commit full-time. So they do. And they end up not having time to find their life partner.

An example is that teacher, who had a message dedicated to him on teacher's day, about how he spent so much time on his students he didn't have time to look for his life partner.

Another example is a colleague of my mum. She's really quite pretty (i saw her last time) and quite nice too but she says she doesn't have time to date.

Another example is ___, but I don't have the guts to say his name here. If he's so busy now, what about next time when he graduates?

I can see why birth rates are falling now.

I'm not complaining, I'm not going to say I will save the day or anything.

I think what I really want to say is that my perceptions of romance have changed. When I was young and innocent I thought romance practically floated on the streets of Singapore, at HDB void decks and shopping malls. Maybe I watched too much TV, maybe I was too mesmerized by couples holding hands and doing goodness-knows-whats in the corners of MRT stations. I thought anyone could get a boyfriend/girlfriend easily and if by the age of 21, he/she didn't have a bf/gf, he/she could very possibly be gay.

All these have changed now. I now think it's very understandable if somebody gets a first bf/gf at age 40.

Actually I think that romance was never a luxury, save maybe for the wonderful 1960s and 70s (i think those were quite nice days right?). Before that everyone was made to go for matchmaking sessions. And if their mothers thought the other party looked like she was good at housework/looked like he was rich and scholarly then the couple would unite under a dubious thing called marriage. No time for romance. Chop chop. It's like that now too.

I can't believe I dedicated almost half a post to talking about romance.

Please don't think that I'm personally involved in it though. B|

Because I'm not.

And I like it this way.

B)

Happy teachers' day.

The celebration at hc was quite nice, I think the bands should perform more often! Teachers' performance was...amusing.

Then went around giving out gifts, staffroom was jammed hoho.

Went back to NY, saw some teachers.

Ate lunch.

Spent time with thirteeners :)

Stayed at island creamery/mac's for a few hours solving situational puzzles by elsa. They creeped me out a bit but I soon got out of the chills.

Brain stalled after solving so many puzzles.

Went home!

Mug time for 5 weeks. Mum and bro have been reminding me of the need to get off the computer and stop slacking.

Bye bye.

:)

Friday comes! It came like an arrow. At least it didn't pierce me. Uh whatever i donno what i'm saying.

Anyway, today's CT session was quite an interesting one,relatively. A senior got invited back, and given his really unique name I recognized him as my bro's ex-classmate/friend. Okay, comments on his talk.

On the whole it was like a load of tosh. It's because many motivational talks are like tosh. But I did take away quite a few things from it:

1) He talked about helping friends out.

It really made me reflect on the spot how I regard my friends, and how I think I'm helping them but maybe in actuality my 'help' might just words and no action. Made me think about old friends and new friends.

2) He talked about portfolios.

He said that having a long portfolio wasn't the key, the key was the quality of our experiences. Like 1 entry on our CV is enough if we really learnt a lot from it.

3) He talked about studying!

Oh my. Okay, studying= taking baby steps, revising bit by bit, and finally you emerge a winner and pwn.

He says that we should all go for consultations frequently because teachers teach better one-on-one. And I really agree because I've finally gone for KI consultation and it was really quite effective.

Wow I'm really sleepy now and my brain is like half-melted ice-cream, floppy and squishy and mashable and ......

Just came home from band dinner, thought I should go cos it's the last practice until promos. Went there, ate a hot fudge sundae, squished it around, stirred the fudge, stared around at potential new juniors and batchmates, and thought to myself how nice it would be if i could spend the night at Mac's cos I didn't feel like moving. Only time I was really talking was when I was telling my neighbour how amused I was at the tuba guy from high school. LOLZ. I think I was a bit loud cos a few people around looked at me and started staring at tuba guy too. HAHAHZ.

I'm eating my real dinner in front of computer nowz.

I think I get more reclusive with age.

Last time in social situations I was all bright-eyed and waiting for chances to chirp (i mean chat) with new people, really eager to make new friends. Now I'm not like that. I'm not saying I don't like making new friends now, I'm just more... inactive...inert...

But I derive more satisfaction/happiness just talking to 1 or 2 people, even if they are not my close friends, but just friends, or acquaintances.

Today Teacher looked rather unhappy. Was a tad scared. I'm scared of unhappy strangers. Anyway. That was because Teacher was worried.

Sigh things are getting so intense it's 5 weeks to promos.

Okay I will have a good night's sleep.

原来，老师也有emo的一面！在学校奋斗成绩的时候，痛苦的不只是学生。其实，老师也为我们非常担心。之前并没有领悟到这个事实。只是日日夜夜想着自己要做什么功课，要和朋友做些什么，或者要吃什么。今天，终于领悟到了！

哎，这就是教育的过程！

--------------

Anyway, I still love school.

　

Sigh...

For the past few days I was feeling fine. I felt like I was in control of everything. I was perpetually in a good mood.

Today, all this disappeared, and it was already like that in the morning.

Feeling tired, flabbergasted, stressed. I just want to run to Antarctica and hibernate there till next year...

I don't know why I'm feeling like that today. It's like what Jess said. But I think I'll feel better after babbling about on this post.

Everything's moving so fast. Everyone, everything is a blur. Zoom. It's Wednesday. Wasn't it Sunday yesterday? I always feel surprised when somebody tells me the date nowadays. And there are many things to do. Which is why I'm not supposed to be here, because all this is just a waste of time that could be productive. Whateverr..

I miss CCA. Surprisingly. I've never been able to miss CCA. It's the first time in my life that I feel myself missing CCA. I think it's because a) music is fun and b) it adds diversity to my week in school.

People around me are feeling stressed/emo. They don't say it, but I see it. It's written all over their faces.

"I'm stressed. I need to vent my feelings out, but I don't know how" is what their eyes say.

or "I'm tired"

or "I need to be somewhere else now"

or "I don't know what I'm doing"

or "I'm not doing enough"

And I cannot do anything, because I don't know what problems they have run into that day, and it would be weird if I shove myself into their faces and say "Cheer up. Now. Or I eat you."

My mum was making me worried yesterday by saying I look like an auntie rather than a 17 year-old. She was saying all that to make me sleep earlier as I found out afterwards. She says sleeping at 1 am everyday will take the youth out of my eyes and make me lose hair and give me lots of pimples. And soon strangers will call me Da Jie or auntie rather than Xiao Mei. -.-

Opportunities are so rare and few. I've finally understood what this means. I once thought that being in relatively good schools almost all my life should mean that opportunities knock on my door everyday. How wrong I was.

Was doing homework just now with Mum.

Me: Mummy, I don't want to grow uppppppppppppp~~

Mum: Growing up's good what, can get married!

Me: (o_O?!) Huh. I just want to stay a student all my life!

Mum: Yah, actually being a student is very good because you have no worries.

Yup true. Given the fact that so many students are so emo nowadays, I dread what "worries" there are outside school, waiting for us to grow up so they can plant themselves into our minds.

Saw an email from my SL to confirm if we're going for band trip. Immediately thought about OCIP (!) so I went to SMB and lo and behold the results were out! Skipped a breath and wondered if I'd be selected. My intuition told me no. Anyway I clicked on the results and my intuition proved right.

First feeling was disappointment, second thought was 'yay can go for band trip'!

Why I didn't get in:

1. Interview performance not good enough

2. Teachers thought I should just go for band

Cos the teachers kept asking me if I'd be able to commit to both band and OCIP since both were in Dec...

----

I got slapped with 4 demerit points for not going to school! Cos of HFMD! You all should check your discipline records too.

I don't think you all might have seen this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NGSl3CldFY&feature=related

If you're feeling tired or depressed, this will cheer you up! :)

Usually I'll have passed out on the bed by now given that it's a Friday night but I feel quite energetic today. ^_^ Anyway I'm now slacking and waiting for my hair to dry.

Band was fun today. Somehow I felt less stressed than other times, maybe because the conductor was nice and making mistakes didn't make me feel like the room was going to implode with me in it...... And wow my junior who quit Guides last time is in band and playing the euphonium too! How cool is that.

Anyway I had fun talking to those two eupho juniors, one on my left and one on my right. Not BFF kind of talk, but just neighbour-talk! You get what I mean.

It's odd calling them juniors because they are all way pro-er than me! >_>

Leng was being his (usual?) hyper self, spewing hair jokes and pinching his tummy (which is really not quite there). ^^ And there was this senior hcband guy who came back. He used to play the French Horn. Pling that's your grandsenior or greatgrandsenior. Anyway the best part is that he showed us a magic trick. Quite cool...

Yay I like band. It's not because I feel at home with everyone in there... in fact I only speak to a few people there... some in my section, and all the newbies... ya. But it's fun because I just like making music.

(Even though some notes I play can be classified as fart sounds x) )

And fun because there are sections! It's easier to make friends when we split into sections.

We play Pigalle today (potential SYF piece) and it's really quite an... exhilarating piece... and I sit right in front of the timpani (some drum) so there's a thing behind me going BOOM almost all the time and it feels like there's hordes of elephants behind me.

So yep, it was a good decision to join band.

Might not be in exco, but that doesn't really matter anymore.

Stuff about leadership have long escaped me... I don't feel like I can fit Leadership anywhere into my life or my mind anymore. Everything that I've heard or hear about it now just sounds really fake. Whatever. Anyway, point being, band is fun.

I would like to go to Genting! PleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePlease i hope that the genting trip can be shifted back 2 days so I can go with the band!!!

PleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePlease i hope that the genting trip can be shifted back 2 days so I can go with the band!!!

PleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePlease i hope that the genting trip can be shifted back 2 days so I can go with the band!!!

Cos they clash.

That is if I get into OCIP lah. >_>

------

So I was feeling quite doubtful of myself yesterday. But maybe the best answer to doubt would be to look to the future and imagine it as one which is full of promise.

Doubt

I achieved something and it surpassed my expectations. I felt happy. But then I looked back on all the help I received that I wasn't supposed to get. Many other people didn't get help at all.

Then I look back at the achievement and I don't feel so great anymore.

I hope that I can surpass my expectations next time, only with the help that I am supposed to receive.

Mmmmph.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMUvVBrbd6o

How awesome! That's super high for a euphonium!

Shall aim to expand my playing range on the euphonium.

Oh and it's not just his playing range. It's also all the coordination...

Felt very tired today, especially during KI which was spent talking about Justified True Belief, which is quite a tedious and abstract topic, so most of the time I was just listening to Mr Tan, copying notes with eyes half-closed and mouth hanging open. Felt tired the whole day lah, I think I should stop sleeping at 1 am everyday... Yesterday was terrible, I didn't do anything much and my computer decided that it couldn't sleep at 1 am everyday also so it decided to lag and lag and lag. Anyway today I've made a half a pledge to concentrate on my work as best as I can. I will slack until 8.15 pm!

I feel quite silly.

Emotions are so volatile. One day you could be having a laughing fit with some people, and the next day when you meet them both of you behave like strangers.

Was watching ai4 with my mum just now, it's really quite funny, it's like whenever somebody moves there's a different sound effect. It's like watching different characters in a video game. Taiwan dramas are super funny.

Oh my, I'm swimming in a sea of emo-ness, and I'm not the one who's emo~~

Hahah.

Why huh. I bet it's the hormones and mood swings and homework.

It's an emo night, for 2 people, and maybe more.....

zzz whatever OMG MY LIT REVIEW

so sweet. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1KsGtMZ9HI

lit review goal: mian3 qiang3 finish it tmrw!

Oh mannn I am depressed all the band people went to sign up for cambodia which doesn't clash with genting trip but I signed up for vietnam which clashes with the trip! But I didn't know about the dates when I signed up for vietnam! ZZZ! And I'm the only one!

Aiyaaaaa very sad now I don't know which one I prefer I WANT TO GO FOR BOTH!

vietnam 21 to 30 nov, genting 29 nov to 2 dec. Maybe I can fly from vietnam to genting alone.

Honestly, a part of myself says I should stop thinking about other stuff/ blogging and get on with PW and Vectors, but I don't care even though I might regret this, very soon. Whatever......

School, school, school. Work, worry, emo, work, happiness, emo again, work, work, worry, work, sleep. And the cycle repeats.
I'm not complaining about work. Everyone does work. Without work I cannot have any dreams of the future. So work is essential.

But what's missing from the cycle? Family time. I find it odd because my PW is about encouraging family bonding and here I am writing about it. Wow PW has integrated itself into my thoughts. Whatever......

It's a non-stop cycle, which leaves us with almost no time for sincere, heart-to-heart communication with our family. I almost feel like I'm living in a hostel.

I see my Mum the most often. For me and my mum, we're generally fine. She doesn't act her age. That's a compliment. ;)

But sometimes I feel like I've shoved her down the priority list, and maybe neglected her feelings-- come on, everyone wants feel appreciated, and sometimes I fail to give that appreciation. But she's understanding, she doesn't say anything.

My brother is a weird character. This isn't an insult and it's half a compliment. Like all older brothers he likes to bully little sisters no matter how grown-up they are, like when they are 17 years old. Apparently bullying is a form of stress relief and a form of affection. Right. That's the side of him I see the most.

The rest is hidden behind a veil, and that veil is his blog, which is really quite nice to read at times, but is also very cryptic.

Maybe that's why it's nice-- the reason why literature is nice is because it's ambiguous.

What would family life be like if we lived in the Stone Age? When things didn't move so fast, and we weren't so busy?

Okay that question is damn weird I can imagine my mum reading this post and saying SIAO! But hah i didn't give her my blog link.

But you get my meaning right. I think we'd all look inwards more and have many more happy times with our families.

-----

I spent my day being restless while doing maths and generally getting quite annoyed with vectors and then I came here to do PW. Why's my day so short. zzz.

This weekend POOFed, I didn't do anything useful at all.

-----

Then again, band farewell was on Saturday, it was quite fun. Although I wasn't really part of the action (action=camwhoring) I could feel that bittersweet atmosphere and there was a general feeling of content in the air, the kind of contentment you get by knowing that all has not ended and there is still this entity called HCBand that we can all pledge our allegiance to no matter where each of us has gone.

Right I sound like I'm the one graduating. Because I was usually sitting and looking about me I had a lot of time (and some fun) observing seniors around the room. The hyper ones were playing with mikes and singing to songs; the quiet ones were sitting together, in pairs or threes, and talking softly and earnestly, the rest were running around with cameras and taking lots of pictures.

Apparently my grandsenior of the Euphonium also learnt the Euphonium only in JC1, so my senior said that since he/she could learn it in time for SYF (?), we could too, oh yeah.

-----

Given that the first section of the post was really quite emo-ish, I think I should remind myself that all is not lost, because I actually inserted a "happiness" in the middle of the Cycle of School, and I also said I "almost" feel like I'm living in a hostel, so yes, my house still feels like a home.

-----

KAY BYE MY BRAIN SCREAMS ENOUGH BECAUSE IT WANTS TO EAT VECTORS AND THEN GO TO SLEEP.

Oh my reached home so so late today, at 11.30 pm. Filming farewell video in school after band, getting spooked myself at the shadows all around us and the theme of our video... which is murder by veggies... -.-

So mum waited up till 11.30 pm for me... :X sorry mum...

And for dinner we ate instant noodles. There weren't forks or chopsticks. So we tore plastic wrappers and used them is spoons/levers/shovels and ate the noodles. ^^ Now I'm hungry.

The seniors better appreciate all that we've done for farewell!

I'm starting to see different people in different lights but it doesn't mean anything much it just means I'm spending alot of time with these friends and I'm starting to probably know them more.

Okay I'm going to be lame and take a personality test.

I'm an ISFP! last time i was isfp then i changed to infp and here i am again

Full ISFP Profile (info, people, careers...)
Extraverted Introverted 37% 63% Sensing Intuition 53% 47% Thinking Feeling 32% 68% Judging Perceiving 37% 63%

Intrapersonal

85%

Musical

75%

Verbal/Linguistic

70%

Naturalist

60%

Interpersonal

45%

Bodily/Kinesthetic

45%

Logical/Mathematical

40%

Visual/Spatial

30%

kk goodnight zzz