The top 10 things you may not know about Legolas the elf.
:D this is such important reading. "he looks great in those tight-ass elf pants" LOL.
in love with Elves right now. Wish I could be one of them. Or marry one of them. Or both. Hottest elves on middle-earth are Legolas and Thranduil (Legolas' dad). I think elf-babies would look so adorable. Pointy-ears. Wait it seems I have not seen any Chinese elves. Time to stop the rambling before I shatter my own dream.

Yes! End of exams. I feel like a great, great load has been lifted off my mind. A load so heavy that I didn't know how heavy it was till it lifted. It's like being reborn. This is probably the semester where I've worked the hardest and felt the most stressed. That's saying something since I already felt like I was at my peak of stress in Year 1. But this is a different kind of stress because I had less fun-- no samba. Yes, samba was fun in year 1 but in year 2 it morphed into something more pretentious. Anyway.
I don't feel completely relaxed because my ears are being assaulted with things like 'are you going to take the bar exam' and 'how's your TC applications'. In my head I'm screaming omg, give me a fking break please. But I answer them anyway because I feel obliged to. And it's really a very neutral and curious question, but I just feel assaulted because I think of the implications behind all these words. Well what do I mean by implications? Read on...
Also, I had this internship interview a while ago (as I mentioned to some of you). Well, they rejected me! And they didn't tell me the reason, just wished me good luck with my life, etc. But apparently it was because during the interview she asked me: so where do you see yourself in 5 years? And inside me the alarm bells started ringing. I was thinking, 'whoa whoa, I don't see myself anywhere in 5 years man, who has that sort of plan right now? Not me! And I've got my exams to think about!'. So I said to her, I don't think I'm limiting myself to a legal career, but I would like to explore other options like in the public service or in other companies, such as banks. So apparently this is not the right answer to give because it shows how un-determined/un-prepared I am. Apparently I should have lied through my teeth and said, oh yeah man, I got it all mapped out, I'm going to be a lawyer and hopefully in 5 years I'll be an associate. She told me that their decision didn't have anything to do with my results or whatever, but of course that's just a standard buttering-up-and-smoothing-things-over-don't-curse-me-i'm-innocent kind of reply.
It's a bit of a pity because I was actually interested in that internship, not like the previous one I went for. But oh well.
Anyway. It feels very all-or-nothing,  because there's a 'right' answer for such things? Apparently I was being too honest and too 'square'? I'm not angry although I sound like I am. I'm just confused. Apparently I should have lied. But if I do that I feel like I'm prostituting myself. (I thought as mature adults, people would be more open-minded to different sorts of answers? Well maybe we all have different ideas of what maturity is.) But I guess that's how the working world works. No?
Next. TC apps. Also feels like I'm prostituting myself. I'm not super interested in being a lawyer. It's just another run-of-the-mill office job (but my colleagues... judging by the people in school... my colleagues would be a little strange. SORRY not talking about my FRIENDS in law but OTHER PEOPLE OKAY. and anyway if people said that I'm strange I would totally understand why. but if my friends think they are strange then... okay.) But apparently in getting a TC, I'd be giving myself a good foundation. Which I know in my rational mind to be true.
And the bar exam. I could certainly break my piggy bank and pay for the exam myself first. That would also be giving myself a leg-up career-wise. I don't actually mind; the bar exam isn't really an issue. Just more studying-- what I've been doing for the past decade or so.
It all seems to boil down to one fact-- that I'm not emotionally ready for commitment to a legal career. But screw emotions! I just need to put on a smile and tell people what they want to hear! And then think about my wrecked emotions later.
Sure, life is about getting your 'dream job'. Life is about finding your passion. But you find that the true meanings of these words are very malleable and un-dependable.

One thing I've learnt this semester is not to be too emotional. Not to cling to my emotions too much. Not to be too absolute in my beliefs. Not to be too...all-or-nothing. Because if I'm too absolute then the only person who knows is myself and the only person who gets hurt is myself. Which is freaking pointless. If you know what I mean.

Another thing. If you've managed to follow me through this roller-coaster of a post, then you should understand why people say that lawyers are psychopaths. That's why I said my colleagues would be strange. The stress brings out strange sides of people.

Another thing. It's time to enjoy myself. And BE myself.

sigh i'm exhausted and crazy.
one more paper lets go.


OMG just remembered that there's this damn cute guy called Nichkhun haha.

and so when i'm busy losing my head over exams, i come across this really sad <article>. Just goes to show that heroes can be found anywhere in anyone. those bastards should be shamed in public. and she was so YOUNG. there's so many things she could have done with her life. and now she's lost it all. and her family too. the consolation is that now everyone knows that she died a heroic death. which does not even compensate for all the time she lost.
i don't know what i would have done in that situation. walked away most likely? called the security guard at the most?
that woman's a hero.

2 more papers!!!
I feel like I'm a hot air balloon tied to the ground. Just waiting for its release but pulling away from the ground with all its might anyway.
Sigh. Can't really concentrate.
Strangely I find that Blank Space by Taylor Swift can soothe my boredom/nerves/impatience. Maybe I identify with the crazy lady in the video. Banging on walls, cars, smudged makeup, crying, stabbing cakes...
kissing sean o'pry
cackles

I HAVE BLACK HAIR I HAVE BLACK HAIR

i just feel like the things these people are doing are so much more meaningful than what i do
we think that, because of all we've done in the past, these things must necessarily lead to something greater. we think that all the events in our life must be connected and must create a story. well guess what, i don't think so. this kind of thinking just limits options.

halp
i'm stuck in this dilemma of whether to sleep or to study ltp (which i have barely touched, amazingly)

i also want to learn lettering during the holidays! :D so bz after exams man but i love that kind of bz not this kind of exam-bz

i think i'll go sleep

Me: Mummy I'm a big fat nerd
Mum: Now then you know?

Say what?!

i think i wanna watch this. although i was quite disappointed by the plot in wikipedia, i think sam claflin will make up for it. :D *drools

to-watch movies:
1. Love, Rosie
2. Mockingjay
3. The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies
4. Big Hero 6

*_* so many movies to watch... sure i'll watch at least one of them alone or maybe even all of them

edit: i NEED to watch mockingjay because people on tumblr are all raving about how awesome josh hutcherson's acting is!

edit 2: i think Love Rosie has stopped showing in cinemas...-_- but nvm i shall just read the book hahaha  which is by cecelia ahern hahaha

not everything goes our way. but we have to have the strength to toss it aside and move on, telling yourself that you don't give a shit.

this is called clearing mental baggage.
remember to travel light.


who are we, outside of this framework? are we all society has made us out to be-- the housewife, the office worker, the operator?

to be young


brave


carefree

oh mann i don't want to do shipping readingsssssssssssss my brain needs a break i can feel it degenerating


But now I know my heart is strong
Where you belong is by my side

i ❤ pentatonix forever muakssss
and OMG THEY PRODUCED THIS SONG IN SINGAPORE! (according to their vlog) omg love it.

also the guy in taylor swift's blank space music video is damn hot

Print-screened from Coldplay's lyric video for Atlas. I love the music video, it's so calming. And it reminds me of the calmness of outer space, which I experienced vicariously while watching Interstellar.
Humans have always tried to assert their dominance. They built castles, they mummified themselves, they ordered thousands of teracotta warriors to be made for their burial. They thought they were the masters of all Creation, they thought they were divine. They demanded to be worshipped.
But they didn't know they were only living on a fraction of a speck of dust. [Carl Sagan]
They didn't know that all their dreams were built on pillars of salt and sand, to collapse at the slightest force. [Coldplay]
Magnificent dreams plans come to naught.

(because actually we can still keep dreaming)

We still go on trying to live our lives because...
because...

we've lived out many happy moments on this speck of dust, and we will live out happier moments to come.

and the value of our lives do not decrease just because the universe is infinite, damn it!

but when we start to think we ought to be worshipped, or that we are the centre of the universe, or that everything should go our way, that's when we know we've crossed the line.

sometimes i'm struck by how quickly i've aged and how my brain has not really matched this physical growth
incredible.
:O

i mean, all my life, there has been a fixed template for doing things and all i had to do was to follow the structure (and complain copiously about it). and now there's fewer rules but more unspoken codes of conduct, and i can't really complain about that.

\useless rambling.

"You can't plan your life. Life is very fortuitous sometimes. Take a plunge"

well, well! another reason to smile.

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. stop sulking...
i happened to read about Faust (the german literature classic) on wikipedia and suddenly i wondered if i could be described as faustian, if i let my stress take over my happiness. possibly yes.
anyway i don't think i'm stressed now, just tired and rather daunted by looming finals (but aren't we all).
i should just chill and stop worrying myself or making myself sad.

some takeaways from yesterday.
not sure if i want to be a lawyer, which is an "existential crisis", but like all existential crises, it is not to be taken seriously and one should just move on.
move on= not lose your sense of adventure and imagination.
which I suspect I have.
What kind of person I want to be or what I want to be remembered for: well, I don't really need to be remembered. maybe at least remembered as a good person.

--
also i watched a video where Kevin O (from pentatonix) spoke Chinese and did his celloboxing and then I started having a fangirl crush again hahahah :D man, in my dreams I would be learning how to play the cello.

spent the past few weeks having my research paper in the back of my mind, and doing some preliminary research on it, focusing on facts and all... when last night i thought to myself, crap! I only have until next friday to complete it, and all I have in my hands are a selection of facts, and not the theories behind it or any substantial concepts?
this week. sunday to friday. intensive RP writing. no distractions. except for other deadlines ;_;

Growing old
Feels like you're giving up your soul
I'd rather give it freely 
To the ones I call home.

Can't agree with these song lyrics more.

today I suddenly missed samba (my old cca) very badly. may join the alumni drum sessions for fun. :)
i think i had an implicitly self-imposed ban because it was great to be able to go home every day after school and have more time to sleep, and maybe watch Suits, and have more time to study and hence be more on time with my readings (as compared to previous semesters). it was quite a relief to not have to balance my studies with cca commitments (they were really on about concerts, and gigs, and silly costumes stuff and sometimes i felt pressured to go for trainings). and also i told myself i didn't really have any group of friends there so i'd just be bored.
but then today I thought to myself: damn, i'm really sick of studying all the time. having my life revolve around studying, and i'm now about 9 weeks into the semester, has made me feel very off balance. one of the reasons that i've been giving myself, that i have no group of friends there, is probably just a red herring. who cares, really. and what's great about joining the 'alumni band' is that i have zero commitment.
that is, if the alumni band becomes a reality. from what i heard, it sounds very unconfirmed. -.-

I keep going to the river to pray
'Cos I need something that can wash out the pain
And at most
I'm sleeping all these demons away
But your ghost, the ghost of you
It keeps me awake

Catchiest song of 2014! I can't stop playing it. (And of course Ryan Tedder had a hand in it, he's probably the most talented songwriter out there) Also, this Ella is only 18 years old. 

When someone sticks to his/her ideals, at the risk of going against authority, and at the risk of being isolated, I think that we should be slow to condemn him/her. That someone deserves at least some admiration. He/she may not be correct, may probably be idealistic and naive, may probably be wasting his/her time that could be put to more productive use. But he/she deserves more respect than other two-faced people who compromise their ideals in order to fall in behind authority, and other lost people who don't even know what their ideals are. Somebody who sticks to his/her ideals is a wolf, somebody who compromises his/her ideals or does not know his/her ideals is a sheep. There are many sheep around us. Without them society would be missing a portion of its population. Sheep are useful-- therein lies their value. Wolves are not useful. They're admirable, but because they stand out, they come within firing range and they're the first to be sacrificed. It's a sad fact of life.
What am I, and what are you?
Let me say that I am only human, and there are many things which I do not yet understand about the world. I am still a passive observer.

Now I find I understand myself best when I'm alone, or at home, for hours. I used to try to talk to many people to figure out who they were, and perhaps, more accurately, to find out how I responded to everything. Because when I was a kid I didn't think I had enough experience to know who I was, so I threw myself into social situations so that I could see where my boundaries lay. That's just one reason. The other reason is easier to understand-- it was just a sense of adventure.
The main point is that I'm making a mental note to myself that: I think I've come to find the boundaries I was looking for. It doesn't mean I will stop dreaming, I will keep doing so, but with a better compass this time.
(Of course, the meaning of 'dreaming' has changed since I was in secondary school.)

Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
In other words...
let recess week come now so I can take a break from all this reading.

I have not done anything fun in a long while...



Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

(The Beatles)

People aren't really as bad as they seem to be. I guess as a teenager, one's outlook is really rosy, and so expectations are really high, and then after a series of incidents one's expectations plummet. And then here I am now, thinking that people aren't really that bad after all. Generally, most people want to make a positive effect on other people. It's not all backstabbing and selfishness and bleakness.
It's all about expectations. Just keep them low.
"The world is not a wish-granting factory."

I try my best to follow the rules. Until I come to a point when it stops making sense. And then I bend the rules so that I can hear my own voice.

I could be a nicer person.
I...
Could...

Sometimes I catch myself thinking too much. And then I make a conscious effort to empty out all that emotional garbage. And then I find that I feel more relaxed after that.

emo no more.
i find that there are so many other things worth thinking about.
like.
lee ki hong from the maze runner!! :D
#asianpride #qtpie
i need to find time to watch that movie! even if i watch it alone.

Now my heart is gold, my feet are right
And I'm racing out on the desert plains all night



Oh my gosh this is a lovely lovely song. It was the perfect song to play in the most recent Spiderman movie, when they met each other and they were standing across each other on the street :D I remember the moment when I was in the cinema, and this song played, and then I felt this warm fuzzy feeling all over. I don't think I'll forget it. I would even go so far as to say that I want this song played at my wedding, just that the lyrics are a little sad and dark. Maybe at my funeral. Aw man, why so morbid, I want to listen to this song whenever I feel like it, like now. I don't know if I'll even know what goes on at my own funeral.

我心中有个小天地
一个没人去的秘密花园

我在那里奔跑
在那里歌唱
在那里找到自由

不懂得伤心
不懂得失望
只懂得自由
只懂得心安

omg shipping is testing my limits.
but i always tell myself to relax because i don't want to shave off years of my life for shipping
sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
and i try to listen to ed sheeran's songs when i'm stressed because they are all so relaxing :3

Coming back, I'm coming back
Coming back, I'm coming back
She follows me into the woods
Takes me home

---
Howling ghosts they reappear in
Mountains that are stacked with fear
But you're a king and I'm a lionheart
And in the sea that's painted black
Creatures lurk below the deck
But you're a king and I'm a lionheart

Yay! I love the lyrics in Of Monsters and Men songs. And how the melody is so cheerful but the lyrics are a bit dark. Hope they come to Singapore one day from faraway Iceland. My vanquished existential crises lay slain at their feet. :D

How do you deal with somebody who doesn't know you're angry at him/her?
I don't know... It's awkward to make clean breaks when you're gonna see other around for a long while.
But I reached a conclusion... that is to treat people how they treat you. If they're insensitive and selfish around you, you gotta be the same to them. No emotional investment.
But of course to people you genuinely love, lay the love on them thick. Yay.

For some reason, I felt really out of sorts today. I didn't feel normal... Was it a combination of really hot weather and anxiety? To clarify, I don't think I have anxiety disorder but sometimes I wonder what it takes for it to happen to me. For one thing, I felt really tired when the prof starting talking today and I felt an inexplicable urge to take my bag and walk out of the class. But it got better afterwards because as I've mentioned previously this prof is really quite nice.
Anyway today was a terrible day because of 2 things... I got really pissed at 2 friends. It was a mix of triggers over a few days actually. Today was just the last trigger. Tired people are angry people. And the second thing was that I was annoyed at the politics playing out in class.
Now for resolving the issues... For the first issue, I guess I would just avoid them. After all one of the methods for having less stress is avoiding difficult people. I find that it is really difficult making new friends, especially (?) in my school. Friends are supposed to be considerate towards each other and should look out for each other too. But I keep getting annoyed because these things are not happening. And although a key to a good relationship is vocalizing issues, I think some things don't have to be vocalized. It's either you have it or you don't. I didn't blow up outright because I like to maintain a calm and cool image, and also because it's just my nature.
For the second issue... I think I was just overthinking. Politicking has always been a fact of life, especially in professional settings. It hasn't happened only in my class. It happens everywhere. I've been guilty of it too but strictly, I did nothing wrong; yet I felt guilty after. That was my first and last time being a politicking bitch. My school mirrors a professional setting, and then it can get slightly adversarial too, depending on the people in the class. Which explains the scramble for groups. Which explains why deanslisters are always grouping together. I tell myself that the good thing is politicking doesn't really affect one's fate-- whether I do well or not depends on my effort, and maybe other more dubious things which I shall not mention because I have little evidential basis for saying them out loud. I'm also worried about how I'd settle my groupings should I ever be in a class alone next time, because I know I'm not a popular choice. I don't have a wide network of 'friends' in school. I'm not a deans lister. It doesn't help that said friend is purportedly a 'friend' of yours but consciously finds groups without you-- it intensifies the feeling. It also doesn't help that you used to be friends with some people but now they are as distant as strangers. It sends a very clear message that friendship is ranked below 'perceived competence'. It's all these stupid things that get to me.  Well anyway, I don't have an answer to this issue, and this is why I do not like my batch. It also makes me frustrated that these things are making me upset in the first place. I ask myself all the time-- if I were to die tomorrow, is this really what I want to be worried about? I've attended funerals (including one very recently) and I'm surprised that I forget so quickly what it means to live life a happier person. I'm telling myself to not get so emotionally invested in these things. I'm grateful to have friends that I click with and are considerate and look out for each other but my affection really ends there.
Also, there's a 3rd thing I want to write about. It's about how virtually all my classmates are fixated on getting that elusive tc. I'm not sure how many percent of my batch wants it, because my social circle is really limited, but I think it should be a substantial percentage. But I'm not sure I really want it. I'm not simply giving up because it's difficult and the job market is bad. I'm also thinking if I'd really like the environment. Is it worth slogging and then ending up in another stressful environment? In other jobs, I could do good for the world and still be happy. Some people will definitely love the stress, and by all means they can go fight for it, but I don't think it's my thing. So I'll try applying but I'm not going to wring my hands over it and cry or something. It is definitely possible to get a job in another sector. Then one might ask if that means my education was in vain. I would say no. Just because there is no correct answer for this-- who can tell what was done in vain? We can only tell whether something was in vain with the benefit of hindsight. If answering 'no' is simpler, it's good enough for me.
A 4th thing that makes me feel... disappointed. It's how with my friends at school, 90% of the things we talk about are related to school. I know it can't be helped, and I also want to discuss school stuff with them. But it's making my world very closed and it's giving me tunnel vision. So I'm always grateful when I hear non-school stuff. Even if it's not really interesting I listen and respond because it's music to my ears. All the better if it's stupid and politically incorrect stuff. Another thing that intensifies this feeling of tunnel vision is how it's not convenient to meet up with non-school friends. Everyone has their own lives to lead and with that it is inevitable that there are fewer things to talk about. But I'm of the belief that if our friendship lasted this long, it's gonna last for many more years. I'm not the type who takes initiative to ask people out; I'd rather spend the time bumming at home. Because I'm lazy. Yeah so my constant companion is myself and my electronic gadgets.
I was touched today when my prof told us we were 'valid' people regardless of our GPA. She was just throwing out a random example to illustrate a point but I'm still touched that she chose to use such an example. Given my emotional state, I think expressing gratitude is important. Well after saying this, I could very well get a B- for this module, but that's another matter altogether.

Well i've realized that for many things in this world, we actually do have a choice. Sight is a purely empirical and unemotional thing... we perceive many events in the course of our day at work/school, but what we think about these events is within our control. for example, somebody could hurt you. you could choose to beat yourself up and feel upset about it, and curl up in a corner, which is a very human and natural thing to do. but afterwards you could choose to get up and tell yourself that part of living life is choosing to accept it for what it is, and loving it anyway.
what motivated me to write this chunk? i just felt that school was a very unfeeling and competitive place. even the ones who aren't competing are just keeping silent and you don't know what they are thinking. but then i thought of the people around me who see me for who i am and befriend me anyway, and i realized that i do have a choice between feeling tired and feeling contented.
for me, a good way to feeling happy is not caring so much about what i just wrote and just living life my own way while treasuring all the happy moments i have with others.
maybe my secondary school days and jc days were just really happy. i like the memories. missing my childhood.
hovering between jadedness and contentment.

Living vicariously through Ed Sheeran. I can totally imagine myself playing a guitar and being transported through one of those London canals. (although I can't play the guitar)
\back to earth

life is just one bigass test
and i'm the bigass student
as well as the bigass tester

I have such a nice prof this sem :>
Partly because she has restored my faith in humanity, I've realized the importance of being less emo and stressed. Without those 2 negative feelings I feel like I'm back in year 1 again. :D

In order to put up your best fight, you need to have loved and lost. And remembered their lessons.

It's amazing how little I know about the world. I'll just try not to judge myself so harshly all the time. And that way I'll also not judge others so harshly.
As they say, we learn from our mistakes... the only mistake is in not getting up after you fall i.e. the greatest mistake is in not learning from your errors.

I've reached the stage in life where I look back at the values I learnt in school as a JC/secondary school and realize that what I learnt was actually meaningful. It wasn't the maths and science concepts that I learnt that were useful, but the values. As I grow up I'm increasingly alone, and it gets easy to lose myself and degenerate into a narrow-minded, self-entitled and lazy youth. It's easy to become skeptical and start thinking that life is one big rat race. But I'm going to look beneath that facade of life, and I'm not going the way of that self-entitled youth. The determination to mould my own life comes from within myself, and the things I need to stay on the path are the values I grew up learning, my own willpower, and some loving from family and friends. :3
I sound so stiff and upright but that's really just one side of me.
Here's a really interesting article: http://time.com/3099152/dont-follow-your-passion/
This is what I would have told my younger self.

I know my greatest fault now. Or at least one of my greatest faults.
I THINK TOO MUCH.
I think I over-think things. I'm going to make a conscious effort to only think about the things that matter now.

What am I doing with my life? Besides worrying about me, myself and I, and doing things that fulfil my own selfish purposes. I haven't been doing anything meaningful. I'm a pen-pusher.
Is it time to change that? I'm not sure, because when school comes, I'll find that I won't have time for anything else beyond my studies again.
Maybe the time to change it will come after I graduate and I start working, which is when my life falls into a more regular pattern.
Besides that gripe, I think life is pretty good.

I love how being young is about assuming (and rather rightly so) that time is on my side, and that I have a certain allowance to be irresponsible.
At least in this part of the world.

I'm rather tired of hearing people around me talk about their plans which will ultimately fulfil some goal, or bring them to success. I mean it is not THEIR idea of success they are talking about. It's society's idea of success that all their life's plans revolve around. Right, the very same people will scoff at what I just said, and may privately call me all manner of insults such as lazy, defeatist, naive. But scoff all they want, I want to hear my OWN voice   amidst this cacophony.

Growing up is realizing that there are actually so few people, maybe none, who agree with you. But maybe the next phase for me is having a big enough heart to be able to listen to these different voices, accept them, and still be able to hear and heed my own.

I want to be less emotional, and more rational. I want to be more independent. I want to be a free spirit whose happiness and motivation doesn't depend on extrinsic factors.
There are people I know who might be sceptical about the last goal but I want to shut their voices out. These choices might make me a less likeable person, although I suspect I've never really been likeable. But it's time to turn off that very child-like need to be likeable.

And here's a lovely music video by Colbie Caillat :)


When you're alone by yourself
Do you like you?

Okay, that being said, I still approve of applying make-up when necessary:
1. Eyeliner: It makes me look more alert. I'm sure most of us need help in this department because there are days when we just don't have enough sleep and our eyes can't open fully. I wouldn't want to look sleepy in the office.
2. Foundation: Only if I have pimples or whatever non-beige stuff on my face. Otherwise, I would leave it out because it clogs up my pores and gives me pimples.
3. Eye shadow: Maybe. It's nice because it brings out the eyes. But not as necessary as eyeliner. It is, however, a must for special events such as weddings.
4. Lip thingy: Lip balm, lip gloss, lip stick, whatever I happen to have at the moment. Because air-con produces chapped lips, and chapped lips are distracting and might border on gross.

But anyway I think the message of that song has another deeper meaning, that is to love yourself as you are. And not listen to people who tell you to be ____-er e.g. sexier, prettier, whatever. It's so cool (and smart) of Colbie Caillat to make this video ('cos there's a lot of people out there who are trying to spread the same message out there as well so she's riding the wave).

I've walked into make-up shops feeling rather bewildered at the variety of make-up available. I can't imagine why people would buy so much make-up, unless they actually have so much time to paint their faces every morning, or unless they were professional make-up artists.

Time for some disgusting honesty. I might sound a little scary so please don't judge, but even if you do, I'm past caring, I guess.
Overdue revelation: I have intense self-doubt and fear of failure. (revelations usually come when I have extended holidays, when I have the time to deal with repressed feelings).
How did I come to this revelation? Well that's not important. I just know that when people remark about my mistakes or shortcomings I dwell on it and remember it for quite long, on the pretext that these remarks will motivate me to be smarter. And my unremarkable grades contribute to that already intense feeling of self-doubt. I do remember having particularly strong reactions to some poor grades I received (in private, because big girls aren't supposed to cry), although thinking back, I think my reactions were rather irrational. I've cried about sadder things and I'm damn sure grades should not be on my life's priority list. Most law classmates don't help, either, because they are all so freaking perfectionist and have such high standards for everything. I can clearly recall remarks like:
1. 'Can you aim higher; B+ is NOT good'
2. 'B is average' (okay, it is average, I know, I'm just referring to the tone)
3. 'Shit I got a B- and I'm SO DEPRESSED' (and to somebody who's been there a few times, you can imagine how it feels hearing somebody go on and on about a single B-, and I'm still there trying to comfort them and tell them that life hasn't ended. Dude, nobody comforted me. All I got when I told people about my B minuses was a small 'oh' and an intense expression of mourning, which was totally unnecessary because I was already privately mourning. No one gave me a nonchalant look and told me to get on with life). Everyone is just. so. hung. up. about. grades.
I can recall many instances of how I felt my blood pressure go up just by sitting with a bunch of them. Just being around them makes me feel like a black sheep that everyone secretly thinks doesn't belong. It makes me feel like I've gotta give 110% all the time or I'd never match up to standards. Makes me feel so tired. Makes me feel depressed.
I know I can't blame anyone for this, because it's just the environment I happened to place myself in. And face it, I can find people like that everywhere. I know the issue is internal.
So I googled something about self-doubt and here's what I got, and I shall link it here for the sake of completeness, and also for anyone who happens to have the same issue.
Since the post mentions trying to be around people who make you feel positive, I'll dwell a little on that. I can think of a very precious few people in my life whom I'm totally comfortable being with, and who give me positive feelings the whole time I'm with them (no matter how little the time), and I think I can only think of... 2. Which is not bad already, but not enough either.
I guess the best conclusion to reach is that I'm the best person who can give myself the motivation I need. And I need to shut out all voices, within and without, that critique myself excessively.
I know I've chosen a path that has given me lots of unhappiness, and I know I'm not the only one who feels like that. Here's the price of not knowing what you truly want in life, and it's a price that many youths pay to buy peace of mind and approving looks from everyone. And... I have no response and no substantiation for my decision anymore. It's just practical to keep moving and try to armour myself as best as I can along the way. And what I'm learning is interesting, sometimes. It's not a total bore. What are the stakes? My happiness. So I need to stop it from leaking away.
I've read mini-biographies before, and usually the people being interviewed about it (famous people of course) say they turn it into a positive force that makes them want to work harder. That's good advice but I need to know when that force becomes destructive to myself. I know it has destroyed a part of me, and I need to get that part back again.
I feel like I meet with brick walls whatever I try to do, and at times like this I truly feel the need to get away and be myself for once in my life, for an extended period, not just a day.
(and when people tell me I'm such a carefree and optimistic person, and that they'd like to be like that too, I realize all they are seeing is a facade I've put up for the world to see.)

Useful things I learnt from my mum:
1. Don't care about what others think because it's their business what they want to think; it won't affect you in any way. Just listen and see where they are coming from. And something I found out -- the more you try to change others, the more they shut you out. Care more about what you think.
That's a very good life skill.

2. Be creative with your free time.
I'm so bored with all the free time I have that I feel semi-insane, but my mum gives me random ideas even when she's busy with her own work.
... like making pancakes (although she didn't expect me to do it with a rice cooker)

3. Self-confidence
My mum is a sharp talker and strives for excellence. So you've got to be a rather self-confident person around her. Not a bad thing-- the advantage is that you know for sure when you're wrong.

I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labour has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.
(TFIOS, Augustus)

On this point, I can really learn from Augustus, when it comes to me and finding stuff to occupy myself with. I can't sit by and wait for my internship to arrive. I can't not bother to explore stuff on the net and learn about meaningful stuff just because it's not going to help me in my studies. So what I do this holidays will come to naught but I would still do it anyway... okay the link is rather tenuous. I recall a time in my teens when I was a avid reader, curious about the world... I don't think my teen self would have recognized the bummer I am now.

ed sheeran ed sheeran ed sheeran :D

'In this digital age, people tend to talk at each other instead of with each other.'
I totally know what that means and I think it happens everyday in my life.
/vaguely depressed
Can I get into a time travelling machine and go live in the 1960s. And be my mum's friend or sth. Lol.

Sometimes I'm influenced to feel that everything I say and do has an irretrievable consequence and I make every move with gravity and caution because I'm afraid of making a mistake or hurting somebody's feelings. It sucks and I feel really heavy, but crap it does feel like that in law school. My revision technique, things I say in class, everything seems to impact my grades and hence my life (misconception arising from trying too hard and still spectacularly not succeeding). But acting with gravity and caution doesn't prevent me from making mistakes. Sometimes it works, other times it turns me into an expressionless scarecrow.
Point is, it does feel good to hang around with people who understand that life isn't like that. I like to hang around them and watch the lightness of their movements. And listen to our laughter billow into the air like dandelion fluff.

Retreating into myself feels good. Discovering the little hiding places in life. Some have crumbled, some have grown new organisms, some are lost and cannot be remembered.
And I'm just looking for a bit of moss to use as protection against whatever awaits me in the wild. But the place is woefully barren. I just have to make do with my bare skin, and realize that it does offer good protection after all.
It's all about moving on. It's all about not letting yourself get trapped into quicksand of your own making.
I sound a little odd but I like it.

I have a friend who is not a local and sometimes I don't understand her accent but I don't want to make her repeat because I just asked her a minute ago. And maybe 2 minutes ago as well. So i just say ya and sometimes she looks quizzical at my response. Oops. But I think we get along fine.

Just watched the fault in our stars. Cried :( I love idiots who write sad stories to make me cry cos there's usually so much meaning in their stories. And that meaning makes me fuller, and I feel like there's meaning in my life.

洒脱的人才能玩得起人生

Read an interview by one of my favourite cellists. Love it.
"Very often people are obsessed with what others think of them. It’s like if a flower wants to be a cactus or a palm but it’s not. A flower is a flower and that’s enough. That’s all you have to do is be a flower."
you can read it HERE if you want :D I just love it so much!

Title of post: Growing up-- in the context of school.
NB: lots of shitty musings but I enjoy it because I feel more real and it gives me something to remember in the years to come. It reminds me I'm not a mindless bimbo trying to attain a degree. It reminds me I'm not, and should not be, a sheep following the herd. 

Well, in my teens, I felt like I was standing on a good solid rock of ice. Everything made sense, everything came together to form good solid concepts through which the world was totally comprehensible to me. Like ice crystals coming together, to make the analogy complete. I loved it, I loved how whatever I learnt came together neatly in my head. I felt like learning was as good as eating, because the concepts I learnt were food for my soul. I was excited about school.
But now in university I've learnt and am still learning that the world is built on a very precarious complex grid of rules. Like how Singapore's housing is precarious and complex-- neat little compartment-boxes, built according to the unpredictable swings of supply and demand, etc. Partly it's the nature of my course-- all I'm learning about is rules, rules, more rules, and how I can advise people how not to break these rules in future. And the rules don't come together neatly to form good solid concepts-- at least, I can't seem to do it within one semester, possibly I'm not clever enough?? Or is it because there are just no links and all the concepts we learn are just supposed to be discrete blocks of ideas all by themselves? It's tough learning and trying to make the links in my learning all by myself. To use the analogy up there, I feel like ice is breaking up underneath me and I'm straining to keep them together so I can float and not drown in the icy depths beneath me, while all the time currents are pulling the blocks of ice apart.
Perhaps this is the nature of reality and we've just got to manhandle these concepts, face them head-on and get on with life.

It doesn't help that in school everyone seems to be trying to kill everyone else so that they can secure a good grade for that course. "Friendship" doesn't really mean friendship either. In the past it meant innocent and fun companionship and solidarity. Now, friendship means that you've got somebody who is going through the same struggle and identifies with your confusion-- which is not bad-- but who bristles with thorns every now and then, scowls at you and sulks in your presence, who is willing to put you down with angry words, burden you with their insecurities, distrust your opinions and tear them apart because they don't like them. Well, everyone is going through their own struggle and everyone is worried about their earning power in future, so I understand that it shows in our behaviours sometimes. And I don't mean to say that I'm the victim here; sometimes, I may offend others (and am not sorry for it, although now I'm vaguely sorry that I'm being so frank). Also because 'offending' is a such a personal concept, I have no idea sometimes whether something is offensive or not-- it depends on how well the person can stomach it. And I am willing to put up with these moments of bristling and insulting if it means that other times, we can have good fun together. I want to have a strong stomach for this kind of atmosphere, this kind of life, because it is the best way I can still have friends, and the best kind of life I can get for myself. I don't want to retreat and cut myself off from my friends because I've learnt that being alone feels equally unhealthy, if not worse. To use another analogy-- look at the Hunger Games trilogy, and you realize that friends were made in the Arena as well (even romance, but that's...slightly far-fetched IMO). And if friends can be made even when you're battling each other to death, friends can certainly be made here.
This sort of friendship (yes, it is still friendship) only serves to strengthen my belief that ultimately, the person you should listen to is yourself (and maybe your mother, lol). Sure, you ask your friends for advice and information, that's very necessary, but ultimately you need to separate the chaff from the wheat and hold your life in your own hands.

Okay I'm kind of tired after saying so much. But it has helped. Long live the holidays!

Feels good to submit the application for exchange. :) It's nice to know that I've made a decision which I would take full responsibility for after so much mind-churning deliberation-- it was a good kind of journey to take. I hope the school will approve it, if not I'll be so sad... in which case I would try again in the fall semester of 2015 lorrr haha.

The shooting incident in Isla Vista has really creeped me out! Maybe because I was reading about it at night and at night, everything just seems more scary, right. Now in the light of day it feels a bit more palatable to talk about although it's just as nasty.

What made me so creeped out was how the killer's 'problems' are actually insecurities faced by so many people around us-- the inability to get a girlfriend (or boyfriend). And this incident has taught me that there is a certain line between insecurity and insanity. I would never want to go near that line and I hope no one else does either. Love yourself, guys, don't beat yourselves up over society's expectations. Very often, I think society's expectations are actually non-existent-- they are actually our own stereotypes in disguise. The stronger these stereotypes are, the more dangerous. Get rid of them.

Listening to an upbeat song by Richie Jen and I'm sure you've heard it before. And omg, the lyrics speak of the singer's inability to get a girlfriend (!). Good thing that he channelled his frustration into a cute song rather than letting it fester in the depths of his mind. But scary issues aside, I think the song is really cute and it makes me smile whenever I listen to it. It takes a rather admirable personality to sing lyrics like: "其实我很可爱". :3

时光匆匆匆匆溜走也也也不回头
美女变成老太婆
哎哟那那那个时候我我我我也也已经是个糟老头

Omg so cute this song. Heard it in my childhood. Why didn't I fangirl this guy before??


Grow up.

There's a paralyzing fear that I'm stepping into adulthood. I don't want to do anything except sit at home and read storybooks and listen to music.
But viewed from another perspective, it could be a liberating and adventurous time. I could do crazy empowering things.
I prefer the latter.

Anyway, I went for 2Cellos' concert. And they were charming, and cute, and funny, and passionate, and spontaneous.
The very ideals I'm pursuing.

Here's a rubbishy post about the holidays.
Today I snapped out of my brief holiday-reverie, and I was reminded of all the responsibilities (and rights, but there are more responsibilities than rights, methinks) that come with being 21 years old. And now I groan and wish to myself, can the holidays never end? Can I be allowed to live in such ignorant bliss forever? Ignorant bliss must be what the afterlife is like, if there is even one. However, I do not have any wish to visit the afterlife, even if it sounds pleasant. Can life then be kinder? ("No, I can't be kinder," Life squeaks back.) Can I be a hermit then? -- but how would I survive as a hermit?
My heart is getting so heavy.
But maybe thinking like that is too hedonistic? Depends on which life philosophy you subscribe to, Kantian philosophy or hedonism, as this <ARTICLE> alludes to. I don't know which one I believe in, but I guess I can't go wrong with a healthy mix of both.
Maybe hedonism is rather flawed, although it's an admirable theory, because life has never been kind to any living organism since the Big Bang. So hedonism will do no good to anyone 'cos we'll all just crumble and die wrapped up in our blankets of down. There needs to be a basic sense of responsibility, although people have different notions of 'basic'. And also despite all that mankind has done so far to reach this advanced state of living we have now, there are still many wrongs to be righted.
Even though our parents' era seems so innocent and 'golden' to us, I doubt it actually was. I guess they all faced the same problems we do now, and maybe additional problems of a different type (given the different world politics playing out, etc.)
Okay back to my hedonistic holidays before they run out.

Everything is what it is and what will happen will happen. No point guessing because life is unexpected.
Lol that's the life motto of the protagonist in the book I'm reading-- the hundred year old man who jumped out of the window and disappeared. It's quite funny although reading it for hours on end made me feel like my brain shrivelled a little. Don't get me wrong, it's just ridiculously funny. And I haven't finished it yet.

I'm surprised. There's a poll for the demand for exchange vacancies in the various universities and there have been people who've expressed interest in going for the LAW exchanges. And it's not just a few, there's people up for Switzerland, India (?), Hong Kong... Omg who are they. A bit sad cos the numbers may mean competition, although it's not really a cause for worry because the numbers aren't that high. I was actually seriously considering Switzerland (for its beautiful mountains) and Hong Kong (for its Canto and dim sum and familiarity).
Maybe I should revise my options and pick the ones with no takers yet, and are not expensive. (e.g. UK). UK is actually expensive but I could choose the cheapest university and also try to scrimp while I'm on exchange (e.g. do my own cooking/eat grass...joking). And UK has friends. Hong Kong is still an option. Switzerland... not really because St Gallen (the one I wanted) has 2 takers for 2 vacancies.

"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well have not lived at all - in which case, you fail by default." 
- JK Rowling

Timely reminder...
And I read the article about why Singaporean youths are unhappy and realized that a lot of it applies to me and also I have to remember that I'm not entitled to anything 

Until one has breathed properly, one wouldn't know how much one has endured near-suffocation.

Goodness, the makeup printer is so cool. (click here if you haven't seen) She's my hero (one of them at least).

It's the holidays now. I feel like I'm in the eye of a hurricane, watching all this creative destruction unfold around me. You know, people have described the development of our society as creative destruction, because we are all doomed people but we come up with very creative ways of living that doomed life. Meanwhile, nothing much is happening on my end, which is quite pleasant although I feel rather bored. But I mustn't think like that all the time (and I actually don't; it's probably because I'm left to my own thoughts on another ordinary night) because it's pointless and it's damaging to my morale.

I've said this before, but today I feel like I'm a lucky girl. So many people out there have sad pasts and unspeakable circumstances that they hide from the prying eyes of society. Well, I do have my share of sad stories to tell (everyone does), but it seems narrow-minded for me to attach too much weight to them. It's sad that there are people suffering among us. And it's also sad that even while I am aware of the existence of these unspeakable circumstances, I feel like I mustn't trust people who beg or busk or ask for donations on the streets.

Signed up for zumba. It's fairly amusing and I felt quite good after one session (you know, exercise produces endorphins and all). Only downside is I feel awkward because I don't know anyone there. But oh well my main aim is having that 1 hour of exercise, not making friends.

Nu huo jie tou is good. It makes me tear at ordinary but touching moments. :') It's very real. (also note: deprived kid who doesn't have cable TV is talking right now) It makes me want to go out there and help people, and it makes me want to tell everyone out there that they have their rights and they mustn't let themselves be bullied by others. And this is something I do not learn in law school, where people go in and feel like they've walked into a warped version of the Hunger Games. But as I said earlier, using the example of begging/busking on the streets,  it is not always easy to tell right from wrong, and even as you embark on this Herculean task, you may find that there is no right or wrong. Still, just because it's difficult, doesn't mean you give up on it. Watching the drama reminds me that I could be where I am for a bigger purpose in future. I mustn't give up. This sounds rather idealistic, and even I have a little difficulty believing that I just typed that. But it gives me hope that there is meaning in what I'm doing, and hope is better than no hope.

Eeyer so sweet. Restoring my faith in the world one song at a time, and maybe yours too. :) (watch the video)


Sian max, thinking about certain things. I need to find ways to make my life more interesting, not just during holidays but also during term time.

I can really identify with what the author says about lost opportunities: click here!

"Where are you going? There are some things you will never do. It doesn’t matter. There is no rush. Be the best prisoner you can be."

Wow, prisoner. Yes, I feel trapped and I feel like a prisoner in a way. But I find that if I try to focus and find value in the things I do everyday, like the author says, this feeling of being trapped recedes into the background. 

I don't know where you're going, and I don't know why
Listen to your heart
~Roxette

Cliche, but carpe diem.

Mission: try baking stuff in air fryer!
Don't forget, don't get lazy, I must try... When I'm free. Probably Monday.
MUAHAHAHA
#operationFAT #justkidding

Aghhh I'm melting into a puddle after watching 怒火街头. :3 The logic of the last episode was rather questionable but the values it stood for were really awesome and touching. AND I love how my favourite actor shows emotions on his face really well. I mean, just a slight shift in his expression can tug at my heartstrings. :') I love him so much, he's so expressive. :D Actually Myolie Wu's really good too, I can read emotions in her eyes as well. :D THAT'S what I call good acting.
SIGH

Takeaways:
1. I don't care about raising my GPA anymore. I will just care enough about my studies to make sure I'm doing something useful at school, i.e. learning something. It sounds very high-minded, and maybe I'm saying this because I'm melting into a puddle right now, and it will be very easy to forget this, but I'll do my best to remind myself when the next semester starts, for the sake of my sanity and my happiness.
It could be really hard for some people to understand where I'm coming from because it may just sound like I'm licking my own wounds. But I observe, in almost everyone around me, the struggle between accepting one's GPA and finding self-worth. It's a painful process. I don't think I'm saying it just to comfort myself for my shitty performance at school. I'm saying it also because... I think it is a good thing to believe in. It helps me delve beyond appearances. All students work extremely hard, some probably harder than others, but there's no denying that everyone tries hard to learn. But more than once, students have been unsure why they have received a certain grade-- yes, we know our mistakes, but we don't know what mistakes others have made and why they have scored higher or lower. There is also no time for us to find out all the mistakes that have been made. I'm not saying anything against anyone but it's just a hard truth that everyone is bell-curved. So it's important to go beyond appearances and seek the educational value within.
Sure, the world doesn't and will never agree with me, and I'll be laughed at if I parade my views, because my prospects will depend on whether I make it past a certain cut-off mark to secure an interview/secure a job. But at least with this thought, I know what I'm doing with myself.

2. I thought about my failed interview at the other school and I really wonder if the correct answer to that question was really a better answer. In fact for a long time I've been thinking about that question and I wonder what message they were trying to convey to me. I don't think I gave them the wrong answer. Values matter more than what we would eventually learn at school.

3. School is less important than I think it is. I mean, I still need it to get the all-important degree, and I need to pull up my socks so I can scrape by 2 more sucky years, but I shouldn't cry over it, or be jealous over it, which I have done quite often. I know it's unlikely that I'll stick to this 100% in future but let this be another reminder. Mum ever told me that it's not worth it to cry over school, and I accepted her advice even while knowing that I'm not always strong enough to follow it. And I will never exactly know whether I have a) tried my best but failed anyway, or b) slacked off/been stupid and got my just desserts. But well, some questions have no answer and it's also very important for me to keep moving ahead and stop mulling over pointless questions, which is another bad habit of mine.

4. I love holidays cos I can stay up late to watch HK dramas and blog about random crap.

5. Kevin Cheng is haawwt. :D Even if he is 24 years older than I am. (hey, that's exactly 2 zodiac cycles)

lovely song wheee

1. Patience
2. Being a good person
Believing in these things will eventually turn out better than cutting corners and warping my principles to try to achieve.. what, better grades? For whom?
Only I can walk my own path.

Some fascinating thoughts:
1. I'm looking at other law schools' modules (because I am still weighing the benefits of going for exchange) AND I really prefer their syllabi. I'm talking about UK schools.
Why?
a) They spread out some modules over 1 year instead of half a year (e.g. tort law, property law, equity and trusts). Now THAT makes so much more sense. Based on my experience, we are extremely prone to walking out of class either feeling like we've learnt nothing at all or feeling like no amount of studying is ever going to help because every class just makes us feel more confused than ever. More than once, I've thought that I would be able to understand my stuff so much better if only I had more time to absorb them. PLUS random holidays like Easter and summer break for me to mull over deep dark concepts. Here, we just force-feed ourselves readings with no rest for 13 weeks and that's how we prepare for exams in week 15. (This kind of method could work both ways: either it produces extremely fine foie gras or... I don't know, you think about it.)
Sorry, I'm exaggerating again, and I know exaggeration and tantrums cloud judgement, but there is more than a grain of truth in there.
And it could just be the saying "the grass is always greener on the other side" at work.

b) They have interesting modules.
Okay, we do too. But they have wacky modules about things such as how law interacts with gender perceptions. Do we?

I guess you should know by now that I'm really not proud of it. And I'm not proud of myself. The only thing I applaud myself for is my perseverance. (Try asking me what achievements I've had recently that I'm proud of, and you'll be greeted with a resounding silence. This is me, stripped bare of flamboyant flourishes, and this is me, distilled down to perseverance, and reeking of neuroticism.)
AND please pretend you don't know which school I'm from. I don't want to be sued for defamation. I don't want to impose my views on anyone. I mean, I would be absolutely fine with it everyone else was happy at school and I'm the only who's not. So please take my views with many pinches of salt.

2. I realize that I'm in the deep end of the pool.
I'm definitely the phytoplankton in the ocean. As a prof has reminded us, we are the phytoplankton in the ocean and we've gotta work real hard to prove our salt. Sorry, our chlorophyll.
I can't float along with the currents aimlessly. I need to a) know what I'm doing; b) why I'm doing it; c) do it good.
This was a rather startling thought that shook me out of my blissful holiday oblivion. I should be able to return to that oblivion tomorrow.

3. I am as indecisive as ever.
I cannot decide if I should go on exchange or not. I've changed my mind every few days. (Kind of telling, what if next time I cannot decide if I want to get married, or have kids, or... whatever. Whatever.)
On one side of the scale, there's all the stuff like adventure, the unknown, the thrill of being in a different environment, self-discovery and freedom. Sure it will be tough; an exchange is not an extended holiday, especially if you're talking about a law exchange. But it will be... a different scenery. Also, I estimate that the demand for student exchanges will go up in 2015 Fall, whereas demand seems low/non-existent (not sure though) for 2015 Spring. Vague, uncertain ideas that seem to promise adventure. 人不可以留在安全区，不然不会前进. Is this something I would regret not doing 5 years down the road?
On the other side of the scale:
a) Parental (dis)approval
b) Money (I would be draining my family's finances; that's something I would not be proud of; it's not my money I'm spending but somebody else's hard-earned money).
For UK, the cheapest option seems to be University of Southampton.
c) I will probably miss out on all the internship and training contract applications if I'm on exchange. And... I'm not sure how serious the repercussions are if I miss out on them. Either I'm lucky and I get accepted when I come back anyway, or... I don't.
d) Can I really take care of myself in a foreign land? Although I'm pretty sure that's something I could learn, it would come with... some unhappiness.
e) How much am I really going to benefit from an exchange? Am I simply overrating overseas universities?

4. I wish I could be easier to understand.
I don't know what to do with myself. Other people sure seem to know what they want to do with themselves. A comforting thought is I'm pretty sure I'm learning about this as I enter my 20s.
So, because I had nothing to do and I wanted to stay on the computer to listen to my favourite songs on YouTube, I did some random personality tests on Oprah Winfrey's website, which didn't help because I'm still as confused as ever. And I shall be pasting the results here for myself to refer to in future. I'm gonna sound really self-absorbed (if I haven't already); stay away if self-absorption disgusts you. Or you can go do it if you want to: click HERE.
Striving style:

Striving to Help: 7

Striving to Be Recognized: 8

Striving to Be Creative: 9

Striving to Be Spontaneous: 10

Striving to Be Knowledgeable: 9

Striving to Be Secure: 7

Striving to Be In Control: 6

Striving to Be Spontaneous

You are an adventurer: Action-oriented, curious, outgoing, and often technically gifted, you live for new experiences. You are drawn to risk-taking and aren’t afraid to fail. Generally restless, you tend to job-hop or choose a field that offers constant novelty. If you had to name your favorite place, it might be the center of attention—you’re a born entertainer, and can easily adapt to any audience. While you collect many acquaintances, you’re less likely to develop deep, committed relationships.
What to watch out for: When you can’t satisfy your thirst for variety and excitement, you may see yourself as trapped, which can lead to impulsive and self-destructive behavior—drinking, drugs, breaking off relationships, ditching financial responsibilities. Try to find value in some traditions; if you learn to appreciate repetitive experiences, you won’t always feel the urge to bust free. And when a new opportunity thrills you, keep in mind that just because it sounds exciting, that doesn’t mean it’s good for you.
Looking ahead: Life will have meaning for you as long as you feel stimulated. That might mean chasing twisters, exploring the polar ice caps, getting a degree in dance therapy, or becoming an astronaut. It might also mean reading new books, attending workshops, or letting yourself get swept up in an intoxicating romance. As a risk-lover with a lot of energy, you’re a natural entrepreneur. You’ll be happiest if you change jobs every so often and travel extensively. Movement is what keeps you going.

Career recommendations:
Coach, Police Officer, Events Promoter, Family Lawyer, Nutritionist, Investigator, Broker, Travel Agent or Tour Operator.

Oh... okay. Family lawyer?? Maybe. But now I don't want to believe my test results. 

What's holding me back?

Fear of Success

You're fairly confident in your abilities, but you balk at the pressure of maintaining success once you have it. You know that your achievements will breed higher expectations, and you worry that you won't be able to meet them. You may even be experiencing what psychologists call impostor syndrome, the fear that those around you will discover you're not really as talented or competent as they think. People who fear success often credit their achievements to circumstances rather than to their talent and other assets. The key for these people is to accept responsibility for their accomplishments. Many of my clients find this simple exercise helpful: Think of a recent success—say, a new account that you won. Now make a list of the skills and qualities you drew on to win it—determination, intelligence, creativity, charm.… (If you're struggling, ask a friend for help; others can often see your assets more clearly than you can.) Make this exercise a habit each time something goes well at work. Once you begin to see your strengths in action every day, you will recognize that you are, in fact, well-equipped to tackle whatever challenges lie ahead.

Ha. Imposter syndrome. So familiar. Think of a recent success-- now that's really hard, and here's where you'll be greeted with said resounding silence. All I really possess is my perseverance.

Maybe I should plan out my syllabus if I stayed here vs if I went overseas... may help a bit in decision-making. Decisions...

So tired. 

:D Reward for reaching here. (okay, it may not be a reward to you...)

Everytime I apply for an internship I feel extremely tired of typing the same pleasantries over and over again. I must have sent over 30 emails already.
Everytime I get a rejection letter ("sorry, no space", "sorry, we're full") I get slightly pissed. And vaguely worried. Like what, the competition for internships is so stiff? Or is it a nice way of telling me I suck?
(Also I need to explain that I need to fulfil 10 weeks of internship so I can graduate, which is why I'm even bothering to apply in the first place)
And then after that I think about it and realize that there isn't much of a rush because there'll be many more opportunities again next year May-July. And hopefully I will look more eligible because by then I would have completed 3 years of school and so I would be supposedly smarter. Or maybe I would look shittier because my GPA would be even lower than it is now. (wow, shittier is a word, it's not underlined in red?)
And then I think about all this shit again and say, 船到桥头自然直, IDGAF anymore. Even if nothing good comes out of this, I can tell myself that I did my best and no, I'm not gonna be jobless next time anyhow. Because I have lowered all expectations already, I don't need a lawyer job, I will settle for any job (with a comfortable pay) next time.
I know my dream is to make the world a better place, somehow, next time, and I'll figure that out next time if I can't figure it out right now. Sometimes the world is such a bitch.
Sometimes I think I put too much pressure on myself for no reason at all. I need to fix that. 

人不可以留在安全区，不然不会前进. - Kevin Cheng/郑嘉颖

Yes, yes! Here's a guy with not just the looks but also the ambition. <3 p="">
While I agree wholeheartedly with him, I realize I have been making concessions on that belief, for the reason that I don't truly believe in my abilities yet. Oh well, I'll take life as it comes, but I'll still keep that quote in mind.

Another quote that I've recently fallen in love with: 既来之，则安之.

HAHAHA. Life now is super shiok. Nothing to do all day but watch dramas/knit/read books/cook dinner/run random errands. 简单快乐.

What's been happening in my holidays so far:
1. went to river safari with c and c!
cute animals, good company.
2. watched divergent
Divergent was really good! It was so full of life, so full of youthful energy, both of which law school seriously lack. I may watch it again. :)

The previous post was about me seriously doubting if I have the ability to take care of myself in a foreign country for 6 months. I don't think so. And I can't find any other law person who wants to go on an exchange, to be my travel buddy. (the exchange is between law schools so it's no use finding anyone from other schools). So, nope. So, dream ended. Maybe it's time to face up to reality. 2 more years in this awful place. Nope, I have to adjust my mindset-- it's not an awful place. And nope, my heart doesn't twinge whenever I talk about law school.
I guess the trick to being free is unlocking the doors in my own heart, and not unlocking physical doors.
Nothing is perfect.
And a lot of things are far from perfect.
Wake up, sissy.

3. i'm looking forward to watching a hong kong drama with kevin cheng in it since my aunt has the dvd/cd.

4. i'm watching bu bu jing qing as well

梦醒了。 回去现实中，心有些沉，但知道自己固然是开心的。

One day, I was complaining about how if I had a choice I wouldn't study some of the compulsory modules we are made to study. Said it with a lot of conviction and annoyance. Gave no thought to it after that. But I realized today that underlying that schoolgirl's lament was a very real lack of inspiration.
I know I'm not giving up though. Giving up on what? Giving up on a dream that I chased 2 years ago that has turned out to be very different. And which has started fading around the edges cos I'm not even sure if I'll catch that dream.
Is life about seeking inspiration? Or is it about finding a way to earn money and settle down? Sure, they aren't mutually exclusive, but in my petty schoolgirl world where no one gives a damn whether I learn anything in class and then penalizes me for the crap work I hand in, the crap work which I spent days perfecting, it feels mutually exclusive.

I realize that I have a tendency to exaggerate. But there's more than a grain of truth in there.

So this semester is over. I don't really want to talk about how it went. Sure, it passed with more than its fair share of tears. But they were probably petty, schoolgirl tears. I've learnt a few things that I can't quite put into words. 可是说了只会越描越黑, 自己就越搞不懂自己. What I can say, and know how to say, is that I've learnt that whatever I do, I MUST know why I'm doing it. A reason that comes to my lips easily, not a generic one.

And so I watched another round of BBJX. :') I just realized that it's a commentary about how guys are selfish, power-hungry creatures. That's a recurring theme. I've also realized that the Chinese language is really beautiful and concise. English is relatively vague, and that's a problem which gives judges, lawyers and law students headaches. Not sure if law in Chinese would be more concise though. I've started to be a fangirl of Kevin Cheng as well. Some people can just light up the world with a smile. Kevin Cheng's one of them.

School once inspired me. Now it has ceased to inspire. Now I need to search for it myself, fight for it, and treasure the little droplets of inspiration that I find in my life everyday. I'll lap it all up like a thirsty dog stranded in the Sahara. I'll march on. To find an oasis? Hopefully. It could just be a long march into nothingness.

MY OTP.
THEY ARE MY OTP.

No. 4 is just a creepy guy! Come on, 8 is the one who protects her all the time and 4 is just making strange, creepy and untimely advances on her.

THEY ARE MY OTP AND NOTHING WILL CHANGE THAT. :')

Does anyone even know what spontaneity means anymore?
I do know it but I feel like I'm being constrained within the confines of my own home. Prisoner in my own country.

no rest until i finish my target for today
nope
no watching bbjx again
no no no

Now I just read a poem on Facebook. And reading it has helped to cure some of my hatred.

The Laughing Heart

your life is your life

don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.

be on the watch.

there are ways out.

there is a light somewhere.

it may not be much light but

it beats the darkness.

be on the watch.

the gods will offer you chances.

know them.

take them.

you can’t beat death but

you can beat death in life, sometimes.

and the more often you learn to do it,

the more light there will be.

your life is your life.

know it while you have it.

you are marvelous

the gods wait to delight

in you.

I'm going to search for my light. 

I'm going to be accountable for my actions.

It may not come for a long while, but I'll wait. 

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I hate my life.
I hate how I can change it if I want to but I have no guts to do it.
I hate my life.
I hate that I'm being controlled. I hate that I'm controlling myself. I hate everything.

Maybe my opinion will change over time. Maybe I'm just passing through a rough phase. Maybe I'm just too fking tired today but I can't sleep.
I can only hope.

All you people sitting comfortably on your pedestals
Will never understand what it feels like to be one of us
What for, anyway?
We are just tools of the trade
All we need is some hammering, pounding and carving
To become one of those shiny tools
Hanging on a shelf
Waiting to be used
Rusting
Wasting away
Turning to dust.

Thanks for slashing me into pieces. The pieces were floating in my torso, like broken pieces of ice from an iceberg.

Maybe it has woken me up from my dream for the better.
Maybe it was woken me up into a series of nightmares that never gets better.

In any case, dream or nightmare, my previous post stands. I don't back down or break down so easily. I never do and there's no reason to do so. Sure, I have my emotional moments. But I'll morph back into my usual (scarred) self in no time. Life goes on.

I am no one.
I am nothing.
I have been penalized like shit.
I have either been rejected or left hanging without an answer.
BUT I AM STILL GOING TO TRY MY DARNED HARDEST.
Because that's all I have. And I am going to hold my head up high. And maintain it there.

Tears are transparent so you can hide them from the world in plain sight (if the tears accumulate around your lower eyelids and don't roll down).

I'm not proud of them. And I secretly despise them. I don't want anyone to know. (Well, now you know, since you're reading, but that's okay, because you are far away). 

But stop them soon, because I need to concentrate on another exam. 

I know I've tried my best. And I need to maintain my stamina for tomorrow and for next week's exams.  I shouldn't be too hard on myself. Life is worth more than that. (Although I never knew I was this fragile)

Put this out of your head. This is not a serious issue.
I really need to start planning alternative career plans. I don't want to live around people who callously and carelessly pass judgement on other people's hard work with a few vague comments. At least explain why, and what you are actually looking for, so my paper doesn't feel like a huge waste of my time. 

What I think I've figured out is, it's really important to know what your goal is. I know we've been told this by many people many times, but it's hard to know the meaning of what people are trying to say sometimes.
If my goal is to measure up to a certain definition of 'success', I'll be extremely panicky and touchy about all the work I'm doing. Like some people I observe around me. I will feel like wringing everyone's neck for the simple reason that they exist.
If I tell myself I have a gift, and my goal now is to hone it and then help other people in future, then we're finally talking. I do have a gift. So do you and so does everyone else. We're all relatively smart people, aren't we? That is a gift. My inspiration is from the nun who sang on The Voice Italy-- when the judge asked her why she was auditioning, she said, "well I have a gift and I'm giving it to you, doesn't it work that way?" That was really cute.
Even with this in mind, it still won't be easy.
But at least it takes out all the unnecessary fear and animosity. And it makes it easier to accept everyone around you.
Fear and animosity are poison, and they cloud your judgement.

My judgement was clouded.

I don't think I should have felt so angsty over nothing at all. 

Like I said, extra pair of discerning eyes.

Click: The 10 things happy people don't believe in
Very true. Realized I've subconsciously learnt some of them, rather painfully, after 2 years in university. Not sure why I didn't learn them earlier, in sec sch or jc. Maybe I was just not that aware. And we were not so strung up. Now everything seems more acute.
Head in the air and feet on the ground.

Maybe it would provide you with an overly biased view if I stuck to my previous post. To qualify, all I'll say is, I will keep my new perspective but I will ditch the other emotional words.
One must always remember to not be filled with hatred. And I should count my blessings. And realize that there's actually meaning in what I'm doing right now. #peace

I need to stop placing such damaging expectations on myself. I've been engineered and brainwashed in the later half of my education to pursue 'excellence' and not settle for anything less than that. No. No thanks. That life is for robots and exceptionally talented people. I am smart, but I am not exceptionally talented. Screw excellence. It's a dangerous, infectious word.
I've learnt, and am still learning, to be happy with where I am and where I want to be. It's an art. And I'm going to keep perfecting it. I'm going to preserve my spirit, my youth, my love for life. I'll say goodbye to society's ideals of success. Go back and sit on your decadent pile of cash.
If I ever start to love the kind of life I once pursued, it will be on my own terms. It will be because I realized that it could be my calling. It will not be for the sake of 'excellence'.
This doesn't mean I'm giving up. It just means I've grown an extra pair of eyes, a pair of more discerning eyes that knows what happiness and contentment looks like.

I need to break free. I need to leave this place which has morphed into an almost-nightmare of people with amorphous moralities. Amorphous moralities. It probably comes out of our insecurities. I don't say anything about it but I want to admit, it's eating me up inside. A small part of me.
What's morality anyway?
I need to press on. I need to put in my best effort.
And then, only then, I'll think about breaking free.
But thinking about being free doesn't mean I will definitely be free. There's a cage about me.
sobs.

Leave me alone.
I'll show myself when I've put my mask on.

I'm not sure if I'm thinking too much about the amorphous moralities bit but one thing is clear. I wanna break free. Or at least, I want to find something that proves me wrong.

My heart's beating faster, I know what I'm after
I've been standing here my whole life
Everything I've seen twice, now it's time I realized
...
Cause I keep running, running running... from my heart

Only Adam Lambert (and his team of songwriters) can write such rousing lyrics. Woot!

Somebody told me I'm becoming crazy from staying at home and mugging law all day. #ikr #nochoice #backtostudying #beingcrazyainteasy

Cristiano Ronaldo:

Your love makes me strong, your hate makes me unstoppable.

*placidly continues revising*

Turn the lights down low
Walk these halls alone
We can feel so far from so close

No idea how to study for consti. Watching The Voice UK and I'm so glad that Jermain Jackman won! :D 'Cos his voice is really the best/sexiest. Following his journey throughout The Voice for fangirling's' sake and I'm proud to announce that I've developed a mini-crush on him. Hahaha. Incredibly, just by appearing on the show, he's reminded me to be humble and that there's a lot of meaning behind my (or collectively, 'our') existence, if only I was willing to find it.
*back to figuring out how to study for consti*
You probably won't get how sexy his voice is until you listen to this:

You can't change people. (with the exception of, perhaps, our mothers. Our mothers can change us.) Bluntly put, everyone (me included) is too arrogant to accept advice from others. Charitably put, everyone has a right to their own life. You can only accept people, and in the best cases, love them.

Really hard to concentrate on work when my mind is zooming around everywhere else and singing the Queen song, "I Want to Break Free".
Nothing has an answer. Every question we have is met with blank looks and earnest 'I don't know's.
So why care so much anyway? Just do whatever's within your control. And stay true to yourself. And remember YOLO. No point feeling sad or lost because it's not going to make any difference.

Can't do anymore work at 2 am. Brain is protesting. I feel like in some ways, all that flurry of activity and readings has made me lose some of my common sense (to quote a prof who cautioned us not to lose our common sense in uni). Good thing that I realized I guess. :)

I'm having a semi-crush on a musician who calls himself Rhodes. <3 nbsp="">