Yes! End of exams. I feel like a great, great load has been lifted off my mind. A load so heavy that I didn't know how heavy it was till it lifted. It's like being reborn. This is probably the semester where I've worked the hardest and felt the most stressed. That's saying something since I already felt like I was at my peak of stress in Year 1. But this is a different kind of stress because I had less fun-- no samba. Yes, samba was fun in year 1 but in year 2 it morphed into something more pretentious. Anyway.
I don't feel completely relaxed because my ears are being assaulted with things like 'are you going to take the bar exam' and 'how's your TC applications'. In my head I'm screaming omg, give me a fking break please. But I answer them anyway because I feel obliged to. And it's really a very neutral and curious question, but I just feel assaulted because I think of the implications behind all these words. Well what do I mean by implications? Read on...
Also, I had this internship interview a while ago (as I mentioned to some of you). Well, they rejected me! And they didn't tell me the reason, just wished me good luck with my life, etc. But apparently it was because during the interview she asked me: so where do you see yourself in 5 years? And inside me the alarm bells started ringing. I was thinking, 'whoa whoa, I don't see myself anywhere in 5 years man, who has that sort of plan right now? Not me! And I've got my exams to think about!'. So I said to her, I don't think I'm limiting myself to a legal career, but I would like to explore other options like in the public service or in other companies, such as banks. So apparently this is not the right answer to give because it shows how un-determined/un-prepared I am. Apparently I should have lied through my teeth and said, oh yeah man, I got it all mapped out, I'm going to be a lawyer and hopefully in 5 years I'll be an associate. She told me that their decision didn't have anything to do with my results or whatever, but of course that's just a standard buttering-up-and-smoothing-things-over-don't-curse-me-i'm-innocent kind of reply.
It's a bit of a pity because I was actually interested in that internship, not like the previous one I went for. But oh well.
Anyway. It feels very all-or-nothing,  because there's a 'right' answer for such things? Apparently I was being too honest and too 'square'? I'm not angry although I sound like I am. I'm just confused. Apparently I should have lied. But if I do that I feel like I'm prostituting myself. (I thought as mature adults, people would be more open-minded to different sorts of answers? Well maybe we all have different ideas of what maturity is.) But I guess that's how the working world works. No?
Next. TC apps. Also feels like I'm prostituting myself. I'm not super interested in being a lawyer. It's just another run-of-the-mill office job (but my colleagues... judging by the people in school... my colleagues would be a little strange. SORRY not talking about my FRIENDS in law but OTHER PEOPLE OKAY. and anyway if people said that I'm strange I would totally understand why. but if my friends think they are strange then... okay.) But apparently in getting a TC, I'd be giving myself a good foundation. Which I know in my rational mind to be true.
And the bar exam. I could certainly break my piggy bank and pay for the exam myself first. That would also be giving myself a leg-up career-wise. I don't actually mind; the bar exam isn't really an issue. Just more studying-- what I've been doing for the past decade or so.
It all seems to boil down to one fact-- that I'm not emotionally ready for commitment to a legal career. But screw emotions! I just need to put on a smile and tell people what they want to hear! And then think about my wrecked emotions later.
Sure, life is about getting your 'dream job'. Life is about finding your passion. But you find that the true meanings of these words are very malleable and un-dependable.

One thing I've learnt this semester is not to be too emotional. Not to cling to my emotions too much. Not to be too absolute in my beliefs. Not to be too...all-or-nothing. Because if I'm too absolute then the only person who knows is myself and the only person who gets hurt is myself. Which is freaking pointless. If you know what I mean.

Another thing. If you've managed to follow me through this roller-coaster of a post, then you should understand why people say that lawyers are psychopaths. That's why I said my colleagues would be strange. The stress brings out strange sides of people.

Another thing. It's time to enjoy myself. And BE myself.