Title of post: Growing up-- in the context of school.
NB: lots of shitty musings but I enjoy it because I feel more real and it gives me something to remember in the years to come. It reminds me I'm not a mindless bimbo trying to attain a degree. It reminds me I'm not, and should not be, a sheep following the herd. 

Well, in my teens, I felt like I was standing on a good solid rock of ice. Everything made sense, everything came together to form good solid concepts through which the world was totally comprehensible to me. Like ice crystals coming together, to make the analogy complete. I loved it, I loved how whatever I learnt came together neatly in my head. I felt like learning was as good as eating, because the concepts I learnt were food for my soul. I was excited about school.
But now in university I've learnt and am still learning that the world is built on a very precarious complex grid of rules. Like how Singapore's housing is precarious and complex-- neat little compartment-boxes, built according to the unpredictable swings of supply and demand, etc. Partly it's the nature of my course-- all I'm learning about is rules, rules, more rules, and how I can advise people how not to break these rules in future. And the rules don't come together neatly to form good solid concepts-- at least, I can't seem to do it within one semester, possibly I'm not clever enough?? Or is it because there are just no links and all the concepts we learn are just supposed to be discrete blocks of ideas all by themselves? It's tough learning and trying to make the links in my learning all by myself. To use the analogy up there, I feel like ice is breaking up underneath me and I'm straining to keep them together so I can float and not drown in the icy depths beneath me, while all the time currents are pulling the blocks of ice apart.
Perhaps this is the nature of reality and we've just got to manhandle these concepts, face them head-on and get on with life.

It doesn't help that in school everyone seems to be trying to kill everyone else so that they can secure a good grade for that course. "Friendship" doesn't really mean friendship either. In the past it meant innocent and fun companionship and solidarity. Now, friendship means that you've got somebody who is going through the same struggle and identifies with your confusion-- which is not bad-- but who bristles with thorns every now and then, scowls at you and sulks in your presence, who is willing to put you down with angry words, burden you with their insecurities, distrust your opinions and tear them apart because they don't like them. Well, everyone is going through their own struggle and everyone is worried about their earning power in future, so I understand that it shows in our behaviours sometimes. And I don't mean to say that I'm the victim here; sometimes, I may offend others (and am not sorry for it, although now I'm vaguely sorry that I'm being so frank). Also because 'offending' is a such a personal concept, I have no idea sometimes whether something is offensive or not-- it depends on how well the person can stomach it. And I am willing to put up with these moments of bristling and insulting if it means that other times, we can have good fun together. I want to have a strong stomach for this kind of atmosphere, this kind of life, because it is the best way I can still have friends, and the best kind of life I can get for myself. I don't want to retreat and cut myself off from my friends because I've learnt that being alone feels equally unhealthy, if not worse. To use another analogy-- look at the Hunger Games trilogy, and you realize that friends were made in the Arena as well (even romance, but that's...slightly far-fetched IMO). And if friends can be made even when you're battling each other to death, friends can certainly be made here.
This sort of friendship (yes, it is still friendship) only serves to strengthen my belief that ultimately, the person you should listen to is yourself (and maybe your mother, lol). Sure, you ask your friends for advice and information, that's very necessary, but ultimately you need to separate the chaff from the wheat and hold your life in your own hands.

Okay I'm kind of tired after saying so much. But it has helped. Long live the holidays!