One day, I was complaining about how if I had a choice I wouldn't study some of the compulsory modules we are made to study. Said it with a lot of conviction and annoyance. Gave no thought to it after that. But I realized today that underlying that schoolgirl's lament was a very real lack of inspiration.
I know I'm not giving up though. Giving up on what? Giving up on a dream that I chased 2 years ago that has turned out to be very different. And which has started fading around the edges cos I'm not even sure if I'll catch that dream.
Is life about seeking inspiration? Or is it about finding a way to earn money and settle down? Sure, they aren't mutually exclusive, but in my petty schoolgirl world where no one gives a damn whether I learn anything in class and then penalizes me for the crap work I hand in, the crap work which I spent days perfecting, it feels mutually exclusive.

I realize that I have a tendency to exaggerate. But there's more than a grain of truth in there.

So this semester is over. I don't really want to talk about how it went. Sure, it passed with more than its fair share of tears. But they were probably petty, schoolgirl tears. I've learnt a few things that I can't quite put into words. 可是说了只会越描越黑, 自己就越搞不懂自己. What I can say, and know how to say, is that I've learnt that whatever I do, I MUST know why I'm doing it. A reason that comes to my lips easily, not a generic one.

And so I watched another round of BBJX. :') I just realized that it's a commentary about how guys are selfish, power-hungry creatures. That's a recurring theme. I've also realized that the Chinese language is really beautiful and concise. English is relatively vague, and that's a problem which gives judges, lawyers and law students headaches. Not sure if law in Chinese would be more concise though. I've started to be a fangirl of Kevin Cheng as well. Some people can just light up the world with a smile. Kevin Cheng's one of them.

School once inspired me. Now it has ceased to inspire. Now I need to search for it myself, fight for it, and treasure the little droplets of inspiration that I find in my life everyday. I'll lap it all up like a thirsty dog stranded in the Sahara. I'll march on. To find an oasis? Hopefully. It could just be a long march into nothingness.