Time for some disgusting honesty. I might sound a little scary so please don't judge, but even if you do, I'm past caring, I guess.
Overdue revelation: I have intense self-doubt and fear of failure. (revelations usually come when I have extended holidays, when I have the time to deal with repressed feelings).
How did I come to this revelation? Well that's not important. I just know that when people remark about my mistakes or shortcomings I dwell on it and remember it for quite long, on the pretext that these remarks will motivate me to be smarter. And my unremarkable grades contribute to that already intense feeling of self-doubt. I do remember having particularly strong reactions to some poor grades I received (in private, because big girls aren't supposed to cry), although thinking back, I think my reactions were rather irrational. I've cried about sadder things and I'm damn sure grades should not be on my life's priority list. Most law classmates don't help, either, because they are all so freaking perfectionist and have such high standards for everything. I can clearly recall remarks like:
1. 'Can you aim higher; B+ is NOT good'
2. 'B is average' (okay, it is average, I know, I'm just referring to the tone)
3. 'Shit I got a B- and I'm SO DEPRESSED' (and to somebody who's been there a few times, you can imagine how it feels hearing somebody go on and on about a single B-, and I'm still there trying to comfort them and tell them that life hasn't ended. Dude, nobody comforted me. All I got when I told people about my B minuses was a small 'oh' and an intense expression of mourning, which was totally unnecessary because I was already privately mourning. No one gave me a nonchalant look and told me to get on with life). Everyone is just. so. hung. up. about. grades.
I can recall many instances of how I felt my blood pressure go up just by sitting with a bunch of them. Just being around them makes me feel like a black sheep that everyone secretly thinks doesn't belong. It makes me feel like I've gotta give 110% all the time or I'd never match up to standards. Makes me feel so tired. Makes me feel depressed.
I know I can't blame anyone for this, because it's just the environment I happened to place myself in. And face it, I can find people like that everywhere. I know the issue is internal.
So I googled something about self-doubt and here's what I got, and I shall link it here for the sake of completeness, and also for anyone who happens to have the same issue.
Since the post mentions trying to be around people who make you feel positive, I'll dwell a little on that. I can think of a very precious few people in my life whom I'm totally comfortable being with, and who give me positive feelings the whole time I'm with them (no matter how little the time), and I think I can only think of... 2. Which is not bad already, but not enough either.
I guess the best conclusion to reach is that I'm the best person who can give myself the motivation I need. And I need to shut out all voices, within and without, that critique myself excessively.
I know I've chosen a path that has given me lots of unhappiness, and I know I'm not the only one who feels like that. Here's the price of not knowing what you truly want in life, and it's a price that many youths pay to buy peace of mind and approving looks from everyone. And... I have no response and no substantiation for my decision anymore. It's just practical to keep moving and try to armour myself as best as I can along the way. And what I'm learning is interesting, sometimes. It's not a total bore. What are the stakes? My happiness. So I need to stop it from leaking away.
I've read mini-biographies before, and usually the people being interviewed about it (famous people of course) say they turn it into a positive force that makes them want to work harder. That's good advice but I need to know when that force becomes destructive to myself. I know it has destroyed a part of me, and I need to get that part back again.
I feel like I meet with brick walls whatever I try to do, and at times like this I truly feel the need to get away and be myself for once in my life, for an extended period, not just a day.
(and when people tell me I'm such a carefree and optimistic person, and that they'd like to be like that too, I realize all they are seeing is a facade I've put up for the world to see.)