For some reason, I felt really out of sorts today. I didn't feel normal... Was it a combination of really hot weather and anxiety? To clarify, I don't think I have anxiety disorder but sometimes I wonder what it takes for it to happen to me. For one thing, I felt really tired when the prof starting talking today and I felt an inexplicable urge to take my bag and walk out of the class. But it got better afterwards because as I've mentioned previously this prof is really quite nice.
Anyway today was a terrible day because of 2 things... I got really pissed at 2 friends. It was a mix of triggers over a few days actually. Today was just the last trigger. Tired people are angry people. And the second thing was that I was annoyed at the politics playing out in class.
Now for resolving the issues... For the first issue, I guess I would just avoid them. After all one of the methods for having less stress is avoiding difficult people. I find that it is really difficult making new friends, especially (?) in my school. Friends are supposed to be considerate towards each other and should look out for each other too. But I keep getting annoyed because these things are not happening. And although a key to a good relationship is vocalizing issues, I think some things don't have to be vocalized. It's either you have it or you don't. I didn't blow up outright because I like to maintain a calm and cool image, and also because it's just my nature.
For the second issue... I think I was just overthinking. Politicking has always been a fact of life, especially in professional settings. It hasn't happened only in my class. It happens everywhere. I've been guilty of it too but strictly, I did nothing wrong; yet I felt guilty after. That was my first and last time being a politicking bitch. My school mirrors a professional setting, and then it can get slightly adversarial too, depending on the people in the class. Which explains the scramble for groups. Which explains why deanslisters are always grouping together. I tell myself that the good thing is politicking doesn't really affect one's fate-- whether I do well or not depends on my effort, and maybe other more dubious things which I shall not mention because I have little evidential basis for saying them out loud. I'm also worried about how I'd settle my groupings should I ever be in a class alone next time, because I know I'm not a popular choice. I don't have a wide network of 'friends' in school. I'm not a deans lister. It doesn't help that said friend is purportedly a 'friend' of yours but consciously finds groups without you-- it intensifies the feeling. It also doesn't help that you used to be friends with some people but now they are as distant as strangers. It sends a very clear message that friendship is ranked below 'perceived competence'. It's all these stupid things that get to me.  Well anyway, I don't have an answer to this issue, and this is why I do not like my batch. It also makes me frustrated that these things are making me upset in the first place. I ask myself all the time-- if I were to die tomorrow, is this really what I want to be worried about? I've attended funerals (including one very recently) and I'm surprised that I forget so quickly what it means to live life a happier person. I'm telling myself to not get so emotionally invested in these things. I'm grateful to have friends that I click with and are considerate and look out for each other but my affection really ends there.
Also, there's a 3rd thing I want to write about. It's about how virtually all my classmates are fixated on getting that elusive tc. I'm not sure how many percent of my batch wants it, because my social circle is really limited, but I think it should be a substantial percentage. But I'm not sure I really want it. I'm not simply giving up because it's difficult and the job market is bad. I'm also thinking if I'd really like the environment. Is it worth slogging and then ending up in another stressful environment? In other jobs, I could do good for the world and still be happy. Some people will definitely love the stress, and by all means they can go fight for it, but I don't think it's my thing. So I'll try applying but I'm not going to wring my hands over it and cry or something. It is definitely possible to get a job in another sector. Then one might ask if that means my education was in vain. I would say no. Just because there is no correct answer for this-- who can tell what was done in vain? We can only tell whether something was in vain with the benefit of hindsight. If answering 'no' is simpler, it's good enough for me.
A 4th thing that makes me feel... disappointed. It's how with my friends at school, 90% of the things we talk about are related to school. I know it can't be helped, and I also want to discuss school stuff with them. But it's making my world very closed and it's giving me tunnel vision. So I'm always grateful when I hear non-school stuff. Even if it's not really interesting I listen and respond because it's music to my ears. All the better if it's stupid and politically incorrect stuff. Another thing that intensifies this feeling of tunnel vision is how it's not convenient to meet up with non-school friends. Everyone has their own lives to lead and with that it is inevitable that there are fewer things to talk about. But I'm of the belief that if our friendship lasted this long, it's gonna last for many more years. I'm not the type who takes initiative to ask people out; I'd rather spend the time bumming at home. Because I'm lazy. Yeah so my constant companion is myself and my electronic gadgets.
I was touched today when my prof told us we were 'valid' people regardless of our GPA. She was just throwing out a random example to illustrate a point but I'm still touched that she chose to use such an example. Given my emotional state, I think expressing gratitude is important. Well after saying this, I could very well get a B- for this module, but that's another matter altogether.