寻找属于自己的幸福

I love you and your cat and your break-up emotions ed sheeran! Not the first time I've shared this video but I just got the feels...in the middle of the night when feels are the strongest. :')

Omg I teared up just watching the trailer, I'll probably full-out cry for the actual movie :')  Well at least I'm prepared. I didn't tear up last time when the song was in Chinese... so is it the singer or the language that's making this magic? Or am I just in a more fragile state of mind after revision? Lool...whatevs. I really have to watch this!! After exams though. But I really hate the swimming pool scene where she tries to drown herself for what seems like nothing at all ...



/sobs\

Here's this morske orgulje in Zadar, Croatia. It's a sea-organ. And it looks and sounds beautiful. I really wanna go there, someday, even if it's not in the near future. Perhaps travel isn't high on my priority list now. But the world offers many beautiful sights and sounds, and it would be a pity not to experience at least a few of them first-hand.

HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDEEEEE

I think the chorus is really addictive! Especially so with the background vocals. Also quite fascinated by Adele's expressiveness in the video.

Lately I've also re-discovered 倔强 by 五月天. It was one of my favourite songs when I was in my early teens, and I think it still holds that same value to me now. I've always liked songs about rebellion but I think this song still has the cutest lyrics, such as 爱我的人别紧张 我的固执很善良.

Everyone's costumes here are actually adorable. I really mean it. I mean, today they might not be considered the most fashion-forward costumes. But it's cute. Compared to some of the things some singers wear these days...

http://1948-1980.tumblr.com/post/132334880146/feelingsfrommoviesandseries-the-perks-of-being-a

sometimes, i think it's good to just live in the moment and stop worrying about the future.

//and when you cry
a piece of my heart dies//

8)

Taylor Swift's tweet about her Blank Space/Style mash-up brought me here. This is such a delicate and feminine song even I have to go "awww" when listening to it.
Even though she's from Nashville, this just reminds me of how secretly I just have so much respect for people who have both the talent and resilience to break the classic mould of success in Singapore. I mean, cheers to 90% of the population who work really hard in more stable jobs to provide for their families as well. But the creative 10%-- they are magical unicorns who equally deserve our respect.
(I also really love music by Bon Iver, Ed Sheeran, Kygo, Pentatonix, Kodaline, etc. ^_^ )

I really really want to go to certain countries! Let me list them because I love their sceneries (on Google images) so much:

1. Croatia (in summer)

2. New Zealand (in summer)

3. France (the nature side of it; in summer)
4. Iceland

I'm sure there are more places with awesome sceneries that I haven't noticed. Or don't contemplate on going to (like Brazil because I feel it is too far). But those are my top 3!!!

I want to go to one of them for grad trip!! But the huge problem is I don't think anyone will go with me? My interest lies more in nature and sightseeing, and some light hiking will be great. I don't think I can ever properly relax on a holiday in a city. Singapore is already a bustling city. I don't really wanna go to another place like Bangkok or Tokyo that reminds me of crammed public transport. The awesome food and shopping might almost make up for it, but I already get awesome food and shopping in Singapore (albeit of a different type).

Honestly, all my friends are city people. -_- I don't think there's a single one who loves hiking. 

The last resort is to wait for a honeymoon?! As has been suggested to me. But I think that's just waiting for something that may not happen. I'm not one to sit around waiting for chances. I can't relegate my dream to some shady game of chance.

I can't go on nature/sightseeing tours alone because I am not a very fit person and it's dangerous to go hiking alone. And my family will probably object vehemently, with good reason I think. And there's no possibility of making random friends on a solo tour because my grad trip, if there is one, is supposed to be only 2 weeks (because), and 2 weeks is too short a time to make any friends. 

Of course I'll try asking around but I'm not banking on anyone agreeing. Because all my friends seem to be city people. 

A future alternative... which I'm not too sure will happen...would be to go on my own when /if I make a mid-career switch. At that time, I'd probably be just ripe for a quarter/mid-life crisis so it will be nice to go somewhere to eat pray love. I'm dreaming of doing some work-travel arrangement. That will be so cool!

An alternative for now will be to ask my family if they wanna go anywhere nature-sy and nearby, in Southeast Asia. Perhaps Vietnam, there's awesome scenery too. *_*

Another alternative is perhaps to just settle for less and perhaps see if anyone is interested in going to other bustling cities. It's not always easy to get the best of both worlds. Gotta compromise sometimes. If I want to go overseas that badly.

Another alternative is to just stay at home lor. Grad trips are not an entitlement. I shouldn't be burning my savings just to experience a so-called rite of passage.

Haven't made up my mind yet because of school and its usual avalanche of work. 

Wasting time, when done sparingly, is a virtue. I feel like after wasting a bit of time I attain a millimetre of enlightenment.

//mind-numbing sundays//

Don't ask what others can do for you, ask what you can do for others.

Forgot who said this before. Anyway, I wholeheartedly agree. But sometimes I wish I could do something more useful for this world than study. I mean, I know that what I'm studying (and this applies to any other field of study actually) can be put to good use in the future, if I've got the right mindset and all. Right now I'm just stuck in this moment numbing my brain with technical concepts that I'm not sure will ever be useful. Studying, on its own, never helped anyone achieve anything useful. Especially when the nature of your course is that studying just takes up a lot of time. I feel like I just wanna graduate right now. 

Some people may say that making contributions to society/doing something useful might be jumping the gun, after all students should just stay students and enjoy life before they go out into the working world. There's some truth in that, which is why I let loose sometimes and try to go out with friends/family to take my mind off things. But at the back of my mind there's a niggling awareness that I'm still actually not a very useful member of society and that I don't know how to be useful while juggling mind-numbing schoolwork. Ask someone on the street what their micro-goal is in life at this moment, they would probably say something cool like, taking care of my kids, designing this product, increasing sales of that product, doing some research, etc. Ask me what my micro-goal in life is now, I'll just tell you that I wanna get through this semester which has exactly 1 deadline and 3 exams left for me. And several mind-numbing lectures in the process.

Okay, perhaps I'm learning something in the process. And learning should not come with a price. But today I don't feel like recognizing the benefits of learning in itself. Perhaps tomorrow I will awake a new person, as I usually do. Perhaps all this grumbling and grousing can be sidelined with the common refrain that "youngsters nowadays don't know how to work hard".

I think since young I've just never really liked school. This would be roughly my 16th year schooling. Well if I've gone through the past 15 years, then the 16th year should go by like a breeze. If only I'd stop wondering about whether there's any point to the stuff I'm reading. 

sigh... life is unpredictable.
always do what you love, what you believe in, and don't delay doing it.

This generation: materialistic, practical, purposeful.
Perhaps we should have more idealism in the mix?
Practicality and purposiveness are very useful qualities but they can only provide you an incomplete life.

How writing 1000 words a day changed my life

I think this is probably golden advice. I think, when I write things for school assignments, which actually isn't very often, there is some agony involved because of deadlines, and sometimes I don't know how to answer the question. But around the time I submit my essay, I think I feel a sense of achievement that at least I churned out something. Regardless of the grade I get, I feel like I've just walked a step forward (perhaps just a tiny one).
So when I leave school, I hope my brain doesn't rot and perhaps I could take up this habit of writing.

A person who suppresses inner conflicts is likely to be a damaged person.~ JK Rowling

I suppose that's true!

It's okay to have inner conflicts, but perhaps it's the suppression that makes a person feel constricted.

Perhaps it's time to start taking a stand on my inner conflicts so I can be a more whole person.

Major Harry Potter feels right there... for no reason other than I saw a Harry Potter headline on my fb newsfeed about Pottermore being updated.

It is our choices, Harry, that show what we are, far more than our abilities.Curiosity is not a sin. But we should exercise caution with our curiosity…

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. The trouble is, humans do have a knack of choosing precisely those things that are worst for them.

:")

the feels on the bus go round and round especially when I think about Fred dying.

Favourite character? I think it would be Sirius, Fred or George. Favourite female character-- Tonks.

:"D 

Holes in the sky
Pierced by the fire
Somebody pull me from the dark
...
I'm reaching closer

可以想象他是我的前男友，总是望着蓝蓝海面，总是和我分享他流浪过的梦。
而我会爱上云，也爱上他。
只是我现在反反复复的看的不是电影，而是我的readings和project.
恰巧今天也是星期天.
Hahaha!

think positive thoughts and life goes on
think bad thoughts and life goes on

say good things and life goes on
say mean things and life goes on

judge yourself not by ability but by how you handle setbacks because only the latter withstands the test of time.

and people may put you down but those words reveal more about themselves, not you.

i just need to write all this to deal with the shit that got thrown at me/us.

and i just thought of my exchange and how much more unencumbered it felt. and it just makes me feel like, maybe, all this shit covering me now is only temporary/illusory. --> :)

要让自己幸福，就应该有自己的观念，自己的理想。
靠山山倒，靠人人倒，靠自己最好，幸福掌握在自己手里，没人能把它拿走，也休想控制你。
可是现在想的是，超级无敌的闷。
有谁能有把握地说他选择的路是对的，又有谁知道自己是否选错了路？眼前最明显的是，前面的路还未定，现在能为自己做的最好一件事，就是抬起头来继续做最好的自己。这就是幸福的开始。

这一生最幸福的事情是能够尽情疯狂。
但愿我这一生能平静又疯狂地活着。偶尔平静，偶尔疯狂。
我知道怎样让自己过平静的生活；和其他地方比起来，这已经算是不错了。可是做人嘛，总希望能顽皮一些，生活才觉得有意义。我不知道怎样才能让自己痛快疯狂一下。 可能我以后可以去学新的乐器还是学跳舞之类的东西。现在听音乐，和老朋友谈天，也是一种 respite from ordinary life.

今天和小学同学聚了一下。我们十年没见了，起初气氛有点冷，可是后来开始说话了。非常高兴，我觉得我好像年轻了几岁了。

When you're young, because much of your life is still about learning, it's very easy to keep asking people for advice and then taking their advice as the gospel truth. But at some point you gotta probe your consciousness and ask if that's what you really want. Don't force yourself into a corner, even if everyone tells you that corner is gold-gilded or something. Or it's the most worth it, or it's the best corner for you.
To draw a poor analogy, it's like on a crowded mrt. You step in and everyone is facing you, so you turn to face the same way as them. Or a huge crowd of people rush in, so you put yourself out of their way and in the dark link between the carriages where the floor jerks and shakes but where few people are. You do all this subconsciously. But back to the point-- don't do all this blindly.
You'll live your life in vain.
You were put on this Earth for a purpose. It's your job to find that purpose. Not to ask people what your purpose is. No one knows.
Don't force yourself into a corner.
Don't run because everyone is running.

People can be cruel. Cruel expectations, cruel ideals.
That's not their fault. It doesn't mean they are bad.
Most of them are, simply, human.
Including me.

Joe Hisaishi music is so lovely! I feel like I've returned to my childhood even though I didn't watch the Ghibli movies in my childhood. Reminds me of lovely things past which should be present in life in larger quantities.

(I'm going back on Sunday)
I'm afraid of going back... because I feel like when I go back my new-found freedoms will be taken away from me... I'm not speaking politically-wise, that's a whole new level altogether.
But I always tell myself that freedom is a state of mind-- if you truly want something, no one can take it away from you unless you let them, in which case it is your fault.
So yeah. I think I just need to be able to trust myself to secure my freedoms. I think I ceded too much of it in the past few years.
I'll be starting my internships... then starting school. Which is pretty exciting but in a different way. In HK, it's exciting in a "I'm going off to find myself!" way. Back in SG, it will be exciting in a normal way.
I don't ever want to forget that there's a huge, huge world out there for me to discover; that there are so many funny/weird/screwedup/existential/adventurous/yolo people for me to know; that I can travel by myself to visit my new exchange friends in US/Canada (hopefully we all don't forget each other pleeease); or that I can travel by myself to Europe (hopefully with other friends, anyone actually).
My floormate has a hugeass atlas on her wall, with flags on the countries/cities she has visited, and the words above the atlas read: the world is a book, and if you stay in one place, you only read a page~ It's so lovely to have a map like that.
I'm gonna miss all my friends here and how devil-may-care yet smart they are. Sure they aren't perfect, sure we aren't very close friends, sure i don't think we can ever become very close friends, but we can all have a good time together.
Last time, my definition of friendship was very narrow; I think now it's much broader, and I think I like this change. 

You know, basically, at the minimum, I just don't wanna be that nerd in school who has lost her common sense from too much studying. I find that SMU had that effect on me. It's just so busy sometimes that it eats up parts of you.
I think I did find parts of myself in my 5 months in HK. I feel more whole, and whole is how I wanna stay.

Maybe you find it hard to understand who I am and what I'm really thinking. Sometimes I find it difficult to understand people too, in social situations. My advice is don't try too hard to understand. Just know that when I'm with you people, all I want is to have a good time with you guys. 8)

There are days when I can power on without end-- assignments, friend meetings, chatting non-stop, presentations, buying things, etc.
Then there are days like today where I just have to sit down and pretend I don't exist... Except for listening to songs I love.
There's a song where the lyrics describe my mood today, 100%. I actually thought about all the issues embedded in the lyrics today. ^_^ It's a great feeling knowing that there might be somebody out there who shares all the same ideas as you do, and has the charisma to put it all in a song.
It's called Big Bad World by Kodaline. There's a part which goes: we go out on our own, it's a big bad world outside; carrying our dreams and all that they mean, trying to make it all worthwhile.
I don't see these lyrics as meaning that everyone and everything out there is bad or evil, i.e. I don't see the individual and society as antagonizing each other. I think the lyrics mean that each person is really just on his/her own, and there is this world outside which is really just a big wilderness. Sure, one that is regulated by law and organized by infrastructure, but still a chaotic one. And there is always this gap between the individual and the society; sometimes the gap is bridged, and sometimes the gap widens, but the gap is always there.

And there's another part which is also one of my favourite parts, which goes: shit, maybe there is no god in the big white clouds up there; maybe live long, or maybe die young, or maybe live every day like it’s your last day under the sun.
I've had conversations about religion with close friends before, and most of the time I don't really know what to say except the basic stuff that everyone knows. But I think it is important.

And another part goes: maybe say yes or maybe say no; maybe I’m just too shy to admit that it is time to go. This totally reminds me of indecisive outings where everyone goes 'oh i don't know'. And I'm thinking to myself that I really wanna go home but I don't wanna dampen the mood.

There's a popular song out there that I don't really like, but don't really dislike either, but I remember the lyrics. It goes: are we human, or are we dancers.

I'd like to change it up and sing: are we human, or are we dreamers~~~
cos everyone loves to dream, it's part of being human, even if we do it without anyone watching or caring.

Me editing my groupmate's work with poor grammar
(totally copied this image from sgag)

I get the general sense that most girls feel that they are not good enough for most things they do. And most girls look for external validation. And most girls don't like to say no, because they might lose that external validation.
That must change.
We're all good enough, most probably even more than that.

Even when the going gets tough, or it feels like it's impossible to do something-- just know that somewhere, you have it in you to do it, and you just have to set your mind to it. And you'll be proud of yourself for trying even though it doesn't really succeed, or the haters hate you for it, because by trying, you'd have learnt something in the process. If you don't want to set your mind to it, because maybe it's not your style, or just not worth it, then don't.

Maybe I'm talking mostly about myself, and I could be extrapolating too much. But what I'm saying probably applies to other girls, too, because I read part of this book by a lady called Sheryl Sandberg about the same issues. (Well, I didn't finish the book because I got bored of it. No offence.)

You have to believe in yourself-- because you know yourself best. And no one else is obliged to believe in you.

I'm probably saying all this because of some observations I've made here that have made me impatient with the way things were going, or that have made me pause to think. And also, from a more personal angle, I'm trying really hard to do well here and I feel like what I've learnt in the process is more valuable, and more useful than some grade that I'll receive at the end of the semester, even though maybe the grade is useful in telling me how many smart people there are out there. And I really believe in what I'm learning, I think it's useful in some way, whether it's just for general knowledge or for the work I might be doing in future. And man, I'm tired and I want some encouragement from myself. And I'll get going again soon.

Add this to the list of things I wanna remember from my stay in Hong Kong.

Feeling a little sad... not really sad but just feeling a tinge of sadness.
Maybe it's because it's the exam period...
But more concretely, I think I miss home.
And I'm also a bit sad that I only have about 17 days left in Hong Kong and I won't see my new exchange friends in the foreseeable future probably? Except maybe one who has said she wants to visit Singapore/Malaysia, which is coolios! It feels like the process of life is so fleeting.
And when will be the next time I go overseas again? For more than a short holiday. Maybe not for further studies (a masters??), but for work? Or for an extended holiday like those you see in movies? Lolsss. Like in Eat Pray Love or whatever.
Well, only memories are permanent. That's something. :DDDDDDDDDDDDD

Update! Update! What's going on so far... Well it's just me doing my exams (take-home style). Take-home exams make so much sense. Not like you get to slack and not like it's easier. But oh gosh I get to look at my notes for however long I want and do it in the comfort of wherever-I-please.
Feel like I'll miss my HK friends. I'll also miss the carefree youthful vibe that all my new friends here have. It's just... wow. Before exchange, I was a dry leaf on the ground... now I'm a fresh mint leaf.
Puke-worthy analogy aside...
These are some things that I wanna carry around with me. There are just some memories and lessons you want to keep in your heart forever...

Just wanna say that I'm watching We Got Married (Jonghyun and Seung Yeon) and this couple makes me melt into a puddle.
:3
:3
:3
:3
:3
They're probably my favourite couple so far... I know it's fake but it makes me happy...
Oh watching this makes me so much happier than doing my assignments... this makes no sense!

Just wanna blog because work is the most exciting thing I've done all day today... hahaha, so I need to spice up my day.

Well, actually I'm now working on a research paper for international law, and the topic I've chosen is the Israel-Palestine crisis. But what exactly about it I can't say for sure yet, although I've got a misty idea forming up in my mind. There's a whole ton of history and facts about the crisis, and I've spent approximately 2 whole days reading news articles and documents about the crisis. It's pretty sobering stuff to read, but really fascinating too, which is why I've chosen it as my topic. It's like discovering an alternate reality where violence has been the status quo for decades, except that it's actual reality ... And I compare that with my life, which sometimes involves me telling myself, for example, that I want to get a meal at 1 pm, and that I want to go to gym at 5 pm, and I wanna sleep by 1 am, and so on... A very peaceful, orderly existence I'd say, relative to the mess going on in that side of the world. Anyway, my research paper isn't gonna make any difference to the world. So it's just me, feeling intrigued by the research, and the prof reading my work over a cup of coffee maybe, and then getting a grade for the course.

I'm feeling pretty good about myself actually, because yesterday I went for a REALLY HARDCORE hike at Lion's Rock, which is over at the Kowloon side of Hong Kong (my university is on Hong Kong island, across a strip of sea). I wasn't expecting it to be so difficult, really. The ascent was fine, and the view at the top was great! A bit cloudy though. We saw this massive network of buildings and roads in front of us-- the Kowloon side of HK, and then further across the sea, Hong Kong Island shrouded in mist. We could see bits of cloud blowing past the rocky surface we were standing on. Cool.
My friend asked a bunch of people, who turned out to be guys, for directions after that. They told us where to go, alright, but then one of them asked my friend if his friend was handsome o.o Totally off-point and slightly creepy. We scuttled off, and we joked about those weird guys, and then some of my friends started screaming "LENG ZAI!!!" And the rest of us were like "OMG stop it let's run away". Hahaha. Thankfully when we turned back we found that the guys were still way behind us, little figures among the trees.
And then came the descent, which was horribly steep! Well thank goodness somebody had the heart to build stairs, so we didn't have to navigate sandy rocks and more rocks, unlike at the ascent. But the stairs were extremely long and felt never-ending. 20% into the descent, my legs started feeling weak, and then maybe 40% into the descent, my legs started feeling wobbly, and then the rest of that was just me telling my legs to hang in there or else I wouldn't have any other way to get home.
So when we finally arrived at the bottom, there was still a road going downhill. And we paused for a while because we saw a monkey staring at us looking really puzzled. And while standing, I could actually feel my legs trembling under my weight! A bit freaky. But thankfully, we caught a minibus back to civilization after that. And we all made it home safely. Although we were all super tired. Tired isn't even a strong enough word.

So I feel like it's a major accomplishment for me and my weak legs.

I like hiking though, it makes me feel more focused, I guess, and definitely more healthy as well. And feeling healthy = feeling young. ;) I wanna continue hiking back home... gonna drag people to go with me!

Okay I'm done recounting my mini-adventure and spicing up my day. :)

Ahh time of the semester when I feel super sianz because of the cascade of assignments and exams. So busy with slacking and with studying. :P Need to bring out my multi-tasking skills and focus.
And also it's not easy to score here ah... worked like cow for banking law assignment but only got B. Also worked like cow on consti law assignment but don't know how much I got yet. Still, luckily I'm on exchange and grades don't really matter...
Time to work harder. Because what I've learnt from my university life is: EVERYONE works like a cow.
Mission: Work hard AND still enjoy the last month in Hong Kong!!

Hong Kong is really a city that never rests. It's a very youthful-feeling city. It's exciting to be on exchange here, in that there are days when I don't plan anything, but find myself running around the place anyway, and doing this and that, and buying this and that. There's always more places to hike, more places to shop, more places to eat at. It helps that my exchange friends are just around the area-- we all just live in the same area. So it's very easy to message and call each other out for an outing. It's really fun.
Today and tomorrow though, I hope to metaphorically catch my breath a little and just chill alone at home. And ideally get work done as well. My big toe joint hurts quite a lot after walking, and maybe that's a result of all the walking around HK.
Tired and can't blog anymore now. :P

Feeling inspired today out of the blue.
I was out with my floor mates yesterday and we talked about super girly stuff i.e. getting married and so on. My roomie said she has a plan for marriage but doesn't know when it will happen.
Me and my floormate said, we have no plans.
My roomie said "Why?!"
And I said, because I don't even know if it will happen, so what's the point of having a plan?

But today I'm thinking that there is a flaw in my thinking.
Because there's a lot of things in life which we don't know for sure will happen or not. So does that mean we should stop planning for everything? Absolutely not! Life would be meaningless and directionless.
So alright, I'm going to make plans and stick to them. And move mountains to try to stick to these plans. But these plans have to be broad, general plans. Not for the short-term.

I like studying constitutional law. I think it makes me feel like a better person, because we consider different points of view. It makes me revisit my assumptions about people and society. It makes me feel more open-minded. I guess even though I've done just 2 courses on it, it will be one of my lifelong quests to read about it...somehow. Through the news maybe. Hope I don't forget!

I like being on exchange. It makes me feel like I'm free and independent. And it makes me want to see more places and more people. While nothing can beat the familiarity and similarity I feel when I'm in Singapore/among Singaporeans, seeing other things makes me appreciate home more. It also gives me new perspectives on how home could be improved (in a legal kind of way, not talking about engineering, or landscaping, or whatever). I feel like it would be nice if I go out to work for a few years, save some money, and maybe do a course in politics or philosophy or... jurisprudence? Ha. Ha! Because I like reading about those topics. I'm just not very sure I'd like to do the actual work, or whether I'm any good at those topics. Doing my research paper made me realize I'm not a patient person when it comes to unsolvable moral questions.

I also realize that I've been a very judgmental and narrow-minded person-- secretly. I don't always say it. And I can't remember what else I wanted to say but that's the main point. And also-- I don't want to be that judgmental person anymore. Because being judgmental made me afraid of being judged.

And I just want to say something about that Amos Yee: Yes, he may have made some good points, I'm not too sure on that though. But his abusive language and the calculated timing of his video make his video really morally repugnant. What else was his video supposed to achieve besides making us all annoyed? Much as I support freedom of speech, so that our society may continue to develop into a mature democracy, I don't think I support that kind of freedom of speech. If he really wants to make Singapore a better place, he better do it in a non-offensive manner. By that, I mean well-crafted arguments, supported by credible data, and no swear words. Simply can't emphasize this enough. Otherwise, his audience will only focus on his delivery and not his content. I still don't know what he was trying to achieve by posting that video. Other than criticism.
And when I said that he may have made some good points, truth is, I don't really know what his points were because I got too distracted by his incessant swearing. I only say that he 'may have made some good points' because some people (whom I respect) say that he 'may have made some good points so maybe there's a possibility that there was a good point buried underneath all that swearing.

"我们要决定自己的命运!"
-- LKY, sometime in history, during an election rally

These are words I have known for much of my young life, but I felt the meaning was different when I heard LKY say it (in an old video somewhere). Under those circumstances, just after the separation from Malaysia, and during the Vietnam War, it must have felt scary to be in Singapore. And add to that the memory of the Japanese Occupation, and the departure of the British. Hearing those words must have been powerful. If I had been living in those times, and if by chance I had the money, I might well have migrated. I don't know. What I mean is that it probably took great courage and tenacity to eke out a living in Singapore at that time, much less engage in politics in the fledgling nation.

Fast forward to my generation. When I learnt my languages, I thought of "我们要决定自己的命运!" differently. I thought maybe it meant I should have the freedom to drop out of school. Maybe to pursue some alternative life path, to be a hipster musician, or some unidentified cool job. Maybe to have the freedom to travel anywhere I please. I think I was quite pampered and immature.

Now that I've learnt my history properly, and gained some common sense, I think I appreciate these words more. And I want to remember them forever, because they reflect a much truer reality than the reality I knew when I was more ignorant.

There's no place I'd rather be than in Singapore. No one else I'd rather be than Singaporean. Cheers to a great man!

#rememberingLKY

I guess one of my missions is how to lead a principled life... and stay true to myself. I've had some subtle external influences inspiring me on how cool it is to stay true to myself. It's all too easy to stray from one's principles. I find that I'm surrounded by temptations and distractions. And being someone who has a short attention span and is, well, rather easily tempted, I find that staying true to myself is all the more important.
The TVB drama I'm watching now has this really upright ex-cop (acted by Kevin Cheng). So he's one of my influences in staying true to my principles. Like he was really determined to prove his innocence before he went back to being a cop. Even though he loved being a cop.
But of course the slamdunk influence on me is Mr LKY: I was reading this article about how he challenged the US CIA. And I quote Mr LKY: "The Americans should know the character of the men they are dealing with in Singapore and not get themselves further dragged into calumny. They are not dealing with Ngo Dinh Diem or Syngman Rhee. You do not buy and sell this Government." 
That last sentence... is so dope. And at that time he was in a really difficult position, just after the failed merger with M'sia. So despite immense difficulties, he stuck to his principles. That's like reaching nirvana to me.

I'm doing this paper for my Fraud/Corruption/Computer Crime class, and the prof suggested that exchange students like me do something related to our home countries. And I thought really hard about what I could write about in Singapore, and I couldn't think of any good topic. At first I was mildly pissed, but then I realized it was a good thing. That SG is one of the safest places in the world, so much so that I can't even think of a good topic for my paper. 
And I remember telling my exchange friend here that 'sg is safe and boring'. Well I feel a bit ashamed for saying that because on second thought, I'd rather it be safe and boring than... dangerous and exciting.
Anyway, grateful to be a Singaporean, and grateful to be part of a country that was helmed by Mr LKY. May his spirit live on in all of us and future generations to come.

Feeling so pensive today (i actually typed 'pensieve' and wondered for a while...). Listening to a remix of Wait (M83) by Kygo, which is awesome and dreamy and really stimulates those pensive cells in my brain.
Can't really put my thoughts into coherent words. I'm thinking about how true to myself I have been throughout my life. Have I been squeezing myself into facades? Yes I have, but not all the time. When were those times I was living life behind a facade? When were those times I was truly myself? When is it okay to be 'behind a facade'?
Have I been afraid to live? And probably the answer is yes. But why should I be afraid to live when I'm even more afraid of death and of the unspeakable loss?
Such heavy topics.
And I should stop thinking of them. Although they are genuine questions, it is always better for me to project my thoughts outwards and start. living. life. itself.
Like all hard questions in life, you can think and think about them while an infinity of sunrises and sunsets pass, and you will still have no definite answer. Maybe then, what really matters is that I keep those questions in my mind's pocket; questions are more useful than answers. Maybe a beautiful life is one that collects questions, rather than answers.

Omfg this is such a gloriously cute song! *heart melts* and it's an old song. Maybe what they say about old songs, that old songs are much better, is true.
Okay need to focus on work now marsha!



Wonderful World by Sam Cooke

Don't know much about history
Don't know much biology
Don't know much about a science book
Don't know much about the French I took

But I do know that I love you
And I know that if you love me, too
What a wonderful world this would be

Don't know much about geography
Don't know much trigonometry
Don't know much about algebra
Don't know what a slide rule is for

But I do know one and one is two
And if this one could be with you
What a wonderful world this would be

Now, I don't claim to be an A student
But I'm trying to be
For maybe by being an A student, baby
I can win your love for me

Don't know much about history
Don't know much biology
Don't know much about a science book
Don't know much about the French I took

But I do know that I love you
And I know that if you love me, too
What a wonderful world this would be

La ta ta ta ta ta ta (History)
Hmm-mm-mm (Biology)
La ta ta ta ta ta ta (Science book)
Hmm-mm-mm (French I took)

Yeah, but I do know that I love you
And I know that if you love me, too
What a wonderful world this would be

I just scrolled through google maps, and travelled virtually from Hong Kong, to Singapore, then up to Vietnam, and then to Yunnan, and back east to Zhuhai, and north, north, to Mongolia, and then Russia, and then west, west, to Bhutan, to Iran, to Afghanistan, to Europe.
(I was brainstorming places to visit. In China.)
All the while keeping in mind Singapore's puny size. While scrolling through Russia I imagined the miles and miles of wilderness and scarce residences, and wondered what could be happening on that part of Earth right now.
I can't imagine how a tiny island could actually become a nation, and raise so many people, and hold so many memories for me. Multiply this million-fold and that is Planet Earth for you. I suddenly feel like a frog in the well, like a country bumpkin. I just feel like one of the stars in the universe. So insignificant.
And my banking law assignment is so insignificant as well.

Just joking.

I feel like I want to travel the world. And even if I do, I won't be able to finish taking in all the wonderful sights and sounds this world has to offer. It's just infinite.

All the troubles I had last time back in Singapore, so vacant, so meaningless. I just am. A human being. An Earthling.
8)

Trying to describe one of the most delicious feelings you can have as a human being:
1) It's like being on a rollercoaster
2) It's like you're standing on tiptoe, at the edge of a precipice, ready to take flight
3) It's like you could fall in love anytime

Not that I am in love, but this feeling-- I could get drunk on it. And yet not totally drunk-- just happiness, and maybe mildly-drugged excitement.
I get it when I'm listening to one of my favourite songs. Or on a ride in the amusement park.
Just wanted to write this down so that next time, when I'm too busy, or sad, or whatever, I will remember that I ever had such a beautiful feeling, more than once.
I started feeling this feeling when I came to Hong Kong. Exchange does wonders. 8) Well, I think I actually felt the same feeling when I performed for Samba sometime last year.

So this is one of the dreamy songs that give me the feeling I just described above. :)

Whiling away the time, as I wait for my bedsheets to dry in the laundry room upstairs. Yes I actually changed my bedsheets! Practicing good hygiene even when I'm overseas. :)
Just arrived from Singapore today. Already feeling homesick, and I think its made worse by how sleepy I am. Still, I tell myself that I'm lucky enough (maybe even spoilt) to be allowed to buy an air ticket just to go home to celebrate CNY. And also if all the other exchange students can deal with being away from home for a semester, I can too. I can't imagine how those people on exchange for 1 year deal with it. And there's also tons of people studying full-time overseas. I'm glad that although my JC self was really sorely tempted to study overseas, some modicum of self-awareness in me made me change my mind at the end. Thirdly, I've counted, and there's roughly only 12 weeks left in Hong Kong, which sounds long, but if you lose yourself in it, it could really feel quite fast. Fourthly, I think I will get busy soon so I won't really have time to be homesick, I think. Fifthly, when I think of how I would be like if I hadn't gone for exchange, I think I'd rather be here, in Hong Kong.
Well, 17 minutes left for the dryer to be done, so this is a good time to let my thoughts wander. I'll elaborate on the 5th point. I think pre-exchange, there was a part of me that was maybe a little hollow. You know, the human mind is very complex, and so is the human body. You cannot make it do the same things for a prolonged period of time. That was exactly what I had been doing: studying all day, and just studying law. And yes, I had free time to myself, but even those fun times started to seem monochromatic, after all mental stress I put myself through. I don't think my mental health was at its best in the semesters pre-exchange.
Now, I feel like I've gained an additional perspective on life and the world, which is valuable, and is still changing as I live my life here. I can't put it adequately into words, but I'll do my best. I feel like firstly, I've learnt to be more dreamy, less serious about work and more serious about what I truly like to do. It's important to keep in mind the things you truly like to do, and the things that make you you, because it's what keeps you going everyday. Secondly, I've learnt to appreciate the humdrum everyday things in life, and how lovely my home and Singapore are. It's because over here, I do everything myself, and there's so much more gratification and awareness from doing it myself. And appreciation for how my mum has done it for us all these years. Thirdly, I learnt to balance my negative attitude towards people with a positive one, and I think they come together nicely to produce a well-balanced cynicism. I hope it is well-balanced. Anyway, one always strives to achieve that balance, and one is always learning how to. Fourthly, I've realized that spending too much time inside one's head is not good, so with that, I'll end my post and go collect my laundry.

I watched 50 shades on valentine's day. The plot wasn't great, the dialogue was predictable, the action was intriguing. *winks* There were some funny moments. The leads were hot. All in all, a good movie experience.
Anyway, I found myself listening to the 50 shades soundtracks all day today. They are really good. Ellie Goulding's song is my favourite. Take away the 50 shades context and it's really a very romantic song. And at night I listened to the bbjx soundtracks. All in all, a sentimental and escapist day. I would like to be exposed to more literature like these.
Of course, I don't support the power dynamics in 50 shades. I wouldn't want a boyfriend like Christian Grey. Take my word for it. He has some very serious ISSUES. The girl has some issues too, but not as severe as his.
What 50 shades and bbjx have in common is one timeless, universal theme-- the woman's search for true love.  So that's why both have so many female fans.
See, Ana is intrigued by her boyfriend's singular tastes. And definitely scared. But she doesn't back down, in fact she tries to accept him and his tastes. (she finds at the end of the 1st book that she can't.) She gambles some of her freedom and dignity for true love.
And bbjx, well. Ruoxi yearns for true love but it's always in conflict with palace politics. Her sister is deeply in love with the dead general and she pines for him 24/7. The end.

So that's why women love these shows. Women are idealistic when it comes to love. They want Mr Perfect, they want romantic dates, they want a boomz marriage proposal, they want cute babies with their cute husband.
But when they come to my age they realize that there is a gap between dreams and reality that can never be bridged. Dreams and reality chase each other round a merry-go-round but they never meet.
And there are many other things that we could and should occupy our lives with. These shows are just us projecting ourselves into an alternate universe, in which we hope that after enough sacrificing, we reach the promised land of true love. In the present universe we live in, we find that there are many other legit promised lands.

Today in class the prof told us to finalize our groupings and choose our topics. (for an ungraded presentation) I only had 1 other girl in my group, but the prof wanted 3-4 people. So during the break I turned to the group of people nearest to me, who turned out to be locals, and asked if they knew anyone without a group, because I needed 1 more person. They were rather awkward and said that they didn't, and I said okay, and there's a lot of people missing from class today so I can't really know either!

And then one of them said that he wouldn't mind leaving his group and joining us! I was really surprised. Because where I come from, people generally shun exchange students. At least, I try to shun them. Because everyone says that they don't do work. Not 100% true, from my experience, but better to be safe because project work sucks enough already, and you don't want an additional burden. And forming groups back at my school has almost always felt very politicky and sucky. I thought I would be treated the same here, and I didn't think I would find a group that easily. Because the prof did say that if it was a good presentation, he would raise our grades if we were near the cut-off mark. So there are still some stakes involved. I was already pleased enough when last week the girl in my group asked me to team up with her (but she's not a local so it's a different context).

I was really pleasantly surprised and thanked him. But maybe he wouldn't be that nice if it was a graded presentation.

The purpose of this post is to celebrate nice random things that happen. And tell myself to be a better person when I get back home and begin my final year in school. Anyway, why should we pick on the small stuff? When life is so short and there are so many other things worthy of contemplation. It does reflect on a person's personality, when a person has negative thoughts like that.

And I will fall for you
And I will fall for you
And if I fall for you
Will you fall too?

Yes, yes, yes, Ed Sheeran! :D

Raised with loving hands
Pillars of marble, seats of ivory
Come crashing down
Bricks meeting the sea
Borne by wind and by tide
Ceaseless roundabout travel.

Everything that was a chore back in Singapore is now a joy to do.
1. Shopping for necessities: bread, nail clippers, even sanitary pads. I love it. The excitement of buying a bag of oats for fun, just because it looks like it would make a good quick lunch.
2. Cleaning up my room
3. Walking to school: because the weather is GREAT! I've gotten used to the cold, I think, and it's just like the whole world is air-conditioned. I love it even when I shiver from the cold wind.
 4. Not knowing anyone almost everywhere I go: while it may feel a little lonely sometimes, I think it's also liberating at the same time. It makes it easier to tell myself to "fuck-it-all"/YOLO.

I've also become more keenly aware of human nature, at least a little bit. About who people are, how they think, how they operate. And also more aware of who I am, beneath all the complexes and insecurities created over all these years.
Sounds deep, yeah? I can't even explain it myself. But it's a good thing.

Exchange life is good. I sleep quite a lot. And I have more freedom. I'm happy here, but I never really stop being homesick, because I think of home frequently.
Not sure if it's wise to be writing things like this, but anyway, I think having all this space makes me realize things about myself. Like how I have social anxiety sometimes. I wouldn't say it's at the level of a social anxiety disorder; it's just sometimes. For example:

1. How I want to get the HKU law hoodie and I started thinking about how people would judge me.
I told my HK (law) friend my thoughts, and she looked at me like I was crazy. "But you're studying law! People are just stupid if they think you're being elitist!"
I think this elitism is a very Singaporean thing? In the educational rat race, everyone behaves weirdly. Including myself. In other countries, I think the students worry about different things.

2. How the prof made us do an introduction in class today, round the circle, and I started feeling panicky.
Because I suspected the prof was Singaporean (he is) and... I got panicky cos I'm Singaporean too. Ikr, no logic there... Just afraid that he'd start asking me law stuff about Singapore, I guess. And because the class was really small (~10 people) and I felt exposed.
But the class is interesting. 

3. How I felt nervous in every class I attended in the first week of school
But that's quite normal, I guess

4. How I feel nervous when the prof asks the class a question
The horrors of class participation and how I've never got the hang of it. But it's getting better, the way to manage it is to look away. Or just answer it when it's a dead-easy question and move on.
But I really hate profs who cold-call. There's a prof here who cold-calls, but I think he only targets the smart ones who definitely know the answer, so I think that's nice and fair. What's the point in calling somebody who doesn't know and wasting time, waiting for an answer that will be sub-standard/wrong anyway? Wastes time. You've got to give class participation marks, but you cannot forget that the class is there to LEARN, not guess. And doing readings doesn't always translate into being able to talk about it.

But living in a student hall makes me less self-conscious. Because I notice that everyone is the same, everyone has basic needs and everyone takes care of her basic needs in her own way. I don't judge my floormates/roommate for doing things their way (except when they shout or bang the door at night), and they don't too. They are very friendly. And I reciprocate the friendliness.

By writing all this, I'm not trying to glorify weaknesses, i.e. trying to be cool by having all this weaknesses. It's not cool... I'm trying to solve it. And I know I can.

My floormates damn drama leh... I think they are gossiping in their rooms, and they talk/laugh super loudly. But it's only a few of them.

Also today my prof said "you've got to do your readings to excel in this class. and there's no point taking a class you won't excel in. this is the real world!". And he gave this all-knowing smile. And I thought "here we go".

Anyway, I remember this really inspiring quote from Boyhood the movie. At the end of the movie, the boy (a young adult by the end of the movie) talks to his (girl)friend. She says, "You know how everyone says carpe diem? Seize the day? I feel like it's actually the other way round. Time is actually seizing us, and we have no escape out of it."
Cool words!