Inspired after reading blogs. By the way if I had the capacity to do so I'll probably be working 24/7 every second, but I don't, so I blog, and the time I spend on blogging is sometimes more than what is wise.

I don't think I enjoyed my jc life. And my secondary school life, although secondary school was more fun than jc. Despite my mild exterior I think I was secretly a competitive person and it almost consumed me. Everywhere I went, and literally everywhere, people asked me about my grades and told me to work hard and not slack. I grew up believing that my self-worth lay in my grades, and so I pushed myself really hard, and maybe that's why I have a few strands of white hair now (who knows?). I forgot how to make friends and open myself up to people. I smiled and laughed and went out with friends but secretly I thought I was a really boring person. I envied, and I still secretly envy, people who make a living not doing something that required years of studying, but who make a living performing and teaching the arts (like music etc.). They might be cash-strapped, depending on how popular their music is, but at least they are doing what is a true manifestation of themselves (right? or is there no such thing as a true self?). This is why I've never been truly proud of my schooling, except at interviews. In social settings I introduce myself as myself (unless probed further).

I definitely made a few friends from secondary school (and they have stuck with me till today). I also made a few in JC (and only one has stuck with me till today). The rest have moved on. I don't have many groups of friends even though I want to, because I just don't find the chemistry with them. And for some I felt the chemistry but the friendships plateaued and have since died off. But on hindsight I don'r think it matters; what matters is who I have now. It's like a part of me has lived, and then died off, and now I'm plucking off its dead branch, and putting it in the tree-hollow that is my heart. So lyrical.
It's really hard to define what sort of people I have chemistry with.

I've made a few more friends in law school, and I hope they last a long way too. Something tells me that these friendships are here to stay for a long time and are unlikely to plateau and die off, unlike some in the past.

I also notice a trend in my life, and the trend is that it is getting darker. I get to know friends with darker sides, with darker outlooks on life. And I think my outlook is darker too. I've become more foul-mouthed, more gossipy and much less politically correct. My old self would probably have reeled in horror at my current self. I'm not sure about this change in myself but I think as long as I say stuff at the right time it's okay.   Deep down I'm quite afraid that I'll degenerate into a disillusioned, gossipy lady who takes pleasure in abusing people. But I think I'm still far from that state.
I find that I've always tended to take the moral high ground when talking to friends, but I think I'm doing that less nowadays. Maybe I'm becoming more amoral. I realize that there's nothing great about myself anyway, so why should I bother to be so morally upright, and why should I aim to be the epitome of goodness? I'm human after all and no one is an epitome of goodness. Except some saints. But I know the boundaries and I don't want to step out of them either.
I also find that I'm usually the one in my circle of friends denying the existence of negative stuff. I'm the one living in lalaland. That's because surrounding myself with positive thoughts keeps me going. But I also recognize the truth which is that life gets dark sometimes. I think I am still quite sheltered because my whole life has been spent living in a greenhouse, and I've been cultivated by my environment to study and be a good girl and all that. I need to transfer myself out into the real environment, and I think I'm probably on my way there.

And the truth is... what is important to me now is being myself, and discovering new people and new things, and treasuring the old that is still with me in the present.
I didn't expect this to such an introspective post. I should really start studying.

Here's a rather apt song, apparently from Grey's Anatomy, which I don't watch. To myself, my family and my friends: don't forget me! (yes, I shouldn't forget who I am, that's what I mean)