I'm quite horrible at time management.

Random thoughts:
1. A lot of my friends, even those who have known me for several years already, are surprised to find out that I'm such an emotional person.
Oh, you didn't know...

2. Was cringing at myself today for some reason and I remembered Steve Jobs' speech, which ended off with:
"Be foolish."
Wise advice, because only when we're foolish are we our true selves.
I don't mean foolish in a bimbotic or act cute way. We should be knowingly foolish-- we know the consequences yet we still choose to do it because we just feel for it so much.

3. OMG I MUST STUDY KTHXBYE

I grew up thinking that justice existed for everyone
But that the scales of justice would always tip slightly in my favour.
I grew up thinking that everyone was great
But that maybe I was just slightly better.
I grew up thinking that I could make anyone like me
But that it was just a matter of my choice.
I grew up thinking that time was precious
But that my time was slightly more important than anyone else's.
I grew up thinking that the world had many glorious paths of success
But that I had a secret priority ticket to embark on them.
I grew up thinking that our parents were wise and loving
But that maybe I had that daring in me that could triumph over their wisdom and love
(And maybe I really do, but I have nothing in the world to back up my belief, except a stubborn well of faith deep in me)

All these illusions have almost totally faded now
What a self-centred frog-in-the-well I was

But one thing remains with me
I have always had family and friends who look out for me
And hopefully I'm looking out for them too
And not too busy with scrutinising myself

:/ there's a band called the Pains of Growing Up.

For the benefit of those who haven't read
Things you have to learn
1. Learn to be happy on your own
2. Love yourself
3. Not easy to do both, but just keep trying even if it takes all your life

Are you free? 
"Those chains around you — can you see them? And do you know what they are made of? Or do you just pretend that you can’t hear their little jingle-jangle when you walk? You’ll say, “Oh, it just wasn’t the right time, I’ll be fine,” but we can see you frantically looking for the key out of the corner of your eyes. You know that it’s somewhere, but perhaps part of you doesn’t want to know what will happen if you find it."

Oh gosh so true.

It's time for me to learn to have some steel in my spine. No more whining about my backlog, about the vicissitudes of life, about my horrible grades, and about lack of sleep (although sleep is still very important to me. If not for having enough sleep last night I think I wouldn't even have the resolve to type this down).

It's time for me to start work.

I think the 'steel in your spines' thing was said by my prof. Oh gosh. She's really mean but some of her words really stick to my mind.

OneRepublic are awesome.



^their new album!!! Which has awesome previews, so the songs must really be awesome.

Awesome is not a good enough word.

My impossible fantasy-- talk to the band and sit in their jamming sessions.

I realize that I construct artificial limits around myself. I care too much what people think about me. So I don't dare to do some stuff. :/

I really want to hug somebody but those whom I wanna hug will probably freak out if I do so. Sad. I shall just be content with hugging my bolster and Mr Woofy, my faithful furry brown dog. And my mum, but she's not at home right now. So for now I will hug Mr Woofy.

I like discovering indie pop bands that have existed for a while already, and I can just listen to the songs they've already written. It's like discovering a new corner of the earth. E.g. Two Door Cinema Club and Young the Giant.

There's a strange emptiness in me but I suppose plenty of people feel that way. It's normal to. These people fill up their days with work and play but when they return home to their beds they feel an emptiness niggling in the depths of their hearts.
But today the emptiness is more pronounced in me. I'm not sure why. I think I'm just really tired.
I shall rest a while, and it has been quite long since I started resting, and then I will start studying something. There's a certain peace to be found in learning.
There's also a certain peace to be found in being by myself, sometimes, with my own thoughts.
But not for long.
Because I get bored with myself.




Okay I should stop living in Fluffyworld and start studying. Oh my I'm listening to Young the Giant's album on YouTube now. It's so good. My ears are singing with pleasure.

I'm a girl, and I think girls can be scary people. Are males really simpler creatures? Like almost everyone says.
But I also really like my twc group, which is all girls. They are a major reason why I'm happy today.
And today my friend said life is good. And I asked, what do you mean?! Cos I'm basically quite sian right now. And he said compare your life to those people in war torn countries. Well, okay, that's a good idea. That's being optimistic. And broad-minded.

Kind of dislike myself right now. But I'm myself for the rest of my life, so I just have to accept myself.

This sem is not a good sem. For one, today I woke at 8.30 am for an 8.30 class. Secondly I've gotten about 4 B minuses: 2 for 2 lrw assignments, 1 for  contract midterms test, 1 for analytical skills midterms.

I'm quite sure my gpa is gonna drop. To near 3. 

But what can I do, my friend. Tenacity's the word. Don't judge me based on my grades. :( 

And for my family, I will tell them that I don't think it's samba that is pulling my grades down, because I really did try to work on them. The problem is not lack of time, it's a lack of something in my brain that I have yet to find.

I think last sem the profs really spoonfed us and I understood stuff better. This sem it's really about getting down and dirty in my readings.

Am I supposed to feel a fear deep down in me? Cos I don't. I felt that fear just now, actually, when thinking through all this, but I just pushed it aside. There's no point studying out of fear. It's better to study because I have a clear goal in mind.
Last night I dreamt I was packing for a holiday. But I was very confused about the packing and I was throwing random things into my bag, and trying to be neat at the same time. And I wasn't dressed properly. I kept changing my clothes cos I wore them wrongly. And then I woke up peacefully at 8.30 am thinking it might be a Sunday, and the next moment I realized it's a Monday and I have a class.
Shit. My dream is so reflective of my life right now. I think I need to organize my tasklist better. When to finish what, what to finish, etc. Holy moly.

Apparently morale is quite low in my contract group right now because our written report just has to clash with the release of midterms results.
And here's a really cool drum cover! Omg this guy is sick. Listening with earphones/headphones might give you a cooler experience.

March on.....
And I have so many things to read I don't even know where to start.
But just start lah, talk what rubbish
Stop gaping at the amount of readings you left aside and start READING omg
If you start, it will turn out fine; if you don't start, it DEFINITELY WILL CRASH AND BURN

Here's a talented band who sang the song backwards, I think, so that they could film that funny paint-stripping part at the start. If I remember correctly I think Coldplay did that before? Only found out about this band because one day their drummer Darren King was strolling in Fort Canning Park, and heard Samba Masala practising there (I wasn't there though, I ponned), and took a photo of my bandmates and instagrammed them! :D Haha but their songs are really good anyway. Here's Mutemath!

Woke up at 1145 today. Slept at 12 plus last night. Just conked out all the way for about 11 hours! COOL.
Okay now I need to clear up my lrw shit

Maybe I'm getting a bit too uptight about grades. :( But at the same time... something is pushing me in the opposite direction. SIGH WHAT IS this crap.
Okay I think the crap is in me thinking too much. I hate getting all suspicious over stupid stuff like this

Okay back to clearing lrw shit

I think I know what's happening to me. All this while I've been holding this honest but blinkered belief that I was born with a better brain than other people. It might not show because I honestly also want to be a humble person so I've never been a flashy person. You might wonder why I have such a belief but if you know how I grew up, you will also know that I was taught to believe that I was born with a better brain than others. But there are events that are proving my belief wrong. And I feel this secretly elitist mentality in me dwindling, stripping down to a core. The core contains my fear and bewilderment at this thing called academics.
I feel like I'm going to approach academics in a more human manner right now. Minus the secret-elitist, the self-entitlement.
When I held that belief I didn't know why I was holding it, and the only reason that kept me holding it was my rather decent grades in JC. Don't judge. You probably also had decent grades in JC. Anyway, other than that, I felt  like it was really just a hollow belief. I didn't know in what other way my belief was justified, and whenever I questioned this belief, I felt a certain smallness, and I felt that I was very sheltered against the world.
When I started university I learnt that there were so many other things that were bigger than academics. Like the ability to hold a conversation in class, the ability to work in a totally random group of people who come from a place that is not a top-tier JC (AND SERIOUSLY I honestly don't mean any discrimination here since it is because of these groups that I did alright for my modules) and the ability to uh... be an interesting person who is respected in his/her circle. In sem 1 I felt that my secretly-elitist mentality was stripping down and right now I feel like it's almost all gone already.

And right now I'm just feeling very apprehensive. At every competitive person's core is a shitload of apprehension. I'm not going to think of people as smart or not anymore; I'm going to think of people as tenacious vs not tenacious. Tenacity reflects something much more than smartness; it reflects an almost overflowing sincerity for what you really want, and when somebody feels like that despite all the adversities and shit thrown his/her way, that somebody is somebody to be admired.
Guys, there is no such thing as smartness in this world. And when I say smart I mean that academic-smart kind of smart. There's another type of smartness, called working-smart, but I call that tenacity. Am I making sense?

My world just completely fell apart.
But don't worry about me, I'm saying that in a joking way. It has got to be quite a crappy world if it just fell apart so easily. It's not a world worth keeping.

Omg can I go to somewhere else and learn how to be a drummer/keyboardist/guitarist/vocalist and release my own album and film my music video backwards with paint stripping off me? It's alright if I don't earn much because I'll work at someplace else like at a kindergarten and childcare centre and that will be my back-up job while at nights I will go and jam with my band (if it exists).

Answer: yes you can, in your dreams.

Okay really back to lrw shit

My sleep cycle has definitely seen its better days, and definitely glorious days. Now it's in a slump. I'm doing stuff in a haze and today I woke up earlier to try to do some reading for my project report and upon seeing the tiny words of my textbook something in me turned rebellious and I decided to nap-- first on my bed then on the sofa. Then I left my house a little too late for my meeting at school. And all the while I'm just wondering if there's some problem with me. But deep inside I think there's nothing wrong. I just need sleep!
Mum fed me chicken essence and gave me a hug when she heard me whining (yes, was whining again this morning) and saw me being rebellious on my bed and the sofa. That was nice. I haven't hugged anyone in ages. The last thing I hugged was my friend's arm after contract lesson that day because my brain was just so woozy and saturated.
Thought of random friends on the way, smiled to myself; yesterday I also smiled at the thought of some people. 
I think I'm gonna be a hobo today and settle my lunch and dinner alone :( oh well. Life of a hobo university student who just needs to study a lot.

Head feels like it's clogged up with tiredness. A bit of a headache above my ears. Hard to think of anything academic, but very easy to think of fluffy bimbotic stuff.
Need to set out what stuff I need to do right now.
1. Contract report by Sunday noon
2. Prepare for moot (the rebuttals and so on)
3. TWC presentation stuffies
4. Readings, revise, ohmygod, what am I learning in class?

1 having utmost priority, 4 having least priority for now.

#faints.

And my brother blabbed my blog to my mum. But oh well. It doesn't hurt to have less secrecy in the world.

some observations: 

1. my social circle in the past was really small. it was just classmates and some cca people.

2. another reason why i didn't enjoy my past experiences in school was probably because they kept telling us who to be. values, civics lessons. i tried to live up my society's ideal of a person. it didn't work out. right now i feel much more comfortable exploring for myself who people actually are and how they grow up.

3. i've been quite self-absorbed the past few weeks. and insecure. less so now i think.

4. i'm really tired now.

5. i like samba.

6. i'm gonna get a c or d for contract cos my prof says most of us are hovering around there, and i'm definitely not outstandingly good, or even good, so i'm probably getting a c or d. please let it not be worse. prof said there will be 1 or 2 Fs but i can't tell if she was playing an evil prank or not. she was smiling a satisfied smile when she said that.

7. i really feel like some lessons deaden my soul and my emotions. samba brings it all back. i'm probably intellectually lazy (a term i picked up from a teacher back in school). but it doesn't change anything. i still have to do my work, and get a decent grade.

8. love is not romance, nor perpetual happiness. love is choosing to be there for the person when the person needs you, and wants to talk to you. (i mean all sorts of love, for friends and family, and mr lovely.)

Slept 3.5 hours last night but I feel really energetic right now. It must be the coffee I drank this morning (I rarely drink coffee). I also feel strange this morning. It feels like I'm looking upon the world in an entirely new way, and I'm not sure how to go about watching this world because it looks so new. It's one of those issues which have no answer and no resolution.
Well, good morning.

Now I'm on my way home at 4.45 pm... Walked to mrt with S who talked to me about G. Well, G is a really nice guy and I've raised my esteem of him. He was the one who encouraged me to join samba when I was still debating and asking everyone if law students had time for CCAs. I followed his advice because he said yes, you will have time, in a very confident and reassuring way. And I don't regret following his advice. He's a great person, and a gentleman in every sense of the word. But I don't talk to him because I'm quiet and he's quiet and we don't have many topics to talk about haha. Anyway I'm not talking about this in the romantic way, not at all.

On to the topic of my crush. Ahem. The more I see him and the more I think about it, the more I feel like it's not right to get together. I'm not even sure what I'm really looking for in a person. He probably comes close to my archetype of The Guy but I suppose our relationship lacks a certain something. I'm getting over it quite easily, despite the angst I displayed to my friends that day. I definitely feel slightly hollow, and I still feel slightly angsty, but I'm getting a greater sense that I'm more comfortable with him as friends right now. And he is more comfortable with me as friends. I think there's a good friendship going on here.
I think getting into a sincere relationship really needs a certain level of experience and maturity which I am still accumulating. I'm not ready yet.
I really wonder how people get together in secondary school and jc? What did they feel like? How did they know? Yet another mystery in my life to be answered...
I half-want to private my blog but I think there's nothing here that's really worth hiding anyway.
Speaking of privacy, I realise that I've been spinning webs of secrecy around myself. Recently my two friends knocked down a barrier in me and found out my secret, ie. what I've been talking about.
Okay I'm reaching my house soon....

Another realization that I'm really less driven than I was last semester and I should really pull my socks up and start studying.
OKAY to be fair I'm the same as last semester. It's just that this semester I have a really strict prof (who really has the best intentions, objectively; but subjectively I'm just frightened) and that makes everything look much worse. But going back to the point, I really have lots of reading backlog to clear. So the point is the same which is that I should pull my socks up. Ahhh.

Skipped samba again. Was walking home today and I realized again with more urgency that I'm not really coping well with my workload. 

Anyway, here's the most important point of this post:

Whatever I wrote in my previous post took an unusual amount of courage so if you want to broach the topic with me, give me a heads-up, for example, a meaningful look, or a reference that you read my blog. This is to prevent me from fainting on the spot. And needless to say, it's TOP SECRET.

I realize my secrecy is rather abnormal, but I really can't imagine doing it any other way, so.

Okay, work time. I don't have much time to waste on emotional stuff anyway.

Today was a day of confessions. And the people I confessed to insist that I blog... so I shall.
Basically the people are C and C.

So there is somebody I like. But I'm not acting on it because
1) It doesn't feel right. Too contrived
2) Okay that's actually the only reason

- When did it start
During camp I noticed that he was a nice friend to have already. We were preparing for the fake moot and he was really relaxed about it when I was already trying not to freak out about having to moot. I told him that it's good to be relaxed like how he is and he looked quite satisfied. Moot eventually morphed into a fright night, which passed without event except for in the first room when I grabbed his arm out of fright. But that's all. After fright night the ice between us seemed to break a little and we chatted a bit more.
After camp we went home and I kind of forgot about him. I still remember I met him at the library workshop where I almost forgot who he was but I waved anyway and sat next to him cos I'm just that nice please.
During term we ended up in the same group. Through discussions and all I decided he was a nice person and a good friend to have. I don't know if I'm over-thinking but I could sense that he liked me too. I don't think I was over thinking because a) i'm observant and b) it's over a period of time, and there's room for me to be objective about it.

- How it ended
It really first started with the time he mentioned that he wasn't ready to go into a relationship. His 2 reasons are that a) he doesn't have the guts and b) he's too poor. I still don't understand the 2nd reason, but whatever. He mentioned this in passing, in a casual way, because somehow our group of friends were talking about life partners (I have no idea why but the conversation just drifted to this topic). Frankly when I heard this I didn't know what to say because I was wondering too many things in my head.
After a while I started to feel awkward and uncomfortable about him, because basically, nothing was happening.
So I told myself to change my attitudes. This happened in the form of me feeling uncomfortable and awkward for about a week, and all this awkwardness culminated in me reflecting one evening in my room and feeling quite morose. NB: I was feeling morose about my results too.
A few days later I got over it because life just moves on. And here I am now! I just don't want to invest too much hope in a stagnant situation, so I can focus better on other more important stuff.

I would say I still like him but with a changed attitude. Honestly about 1/3 of me is thinking that he's a jerk and 2/3 of me is thinking he's a nice friend.
Don't get me wrong, jerks can be good friends too. And I don't mean that I'm insulting him, because from an objective point of view, he really is a good person to have as a friend, someone you can trust.

I'm in such a floppy happy mood now. Here's a time when I look around me with a soppy grin on my face for no reason at all.
I just feel like my friends are such lovely people to have in my life.

Frankly I've been quite down for a week already with intermittent periods of happiness (with who else but friends).
Then today I got a mini-epiphany.
I guess last sem my workload was equally bad or maybe slightly better, but I took it better because I probably was more optimistic and gungho about everything. Maybe it was sheer bravado, being the first sem, so I just kept telling myself, just do, can one. This sem I'm getting a bit more jaded.
But while munching on Chocolate Pillows today (bought it on a whim) I decided that no matter how incessant the readings are, and no matter how many setbacks (perceived setbacks) I shall just continue relaxing and eating and going for samba like I used to in sem 1. Readings will not run away and I will spend many more sleepless nights trying to finish them. Just not tonight.
Notice the fine line between this and procrastination. Procrastination means putting things off and not doing them, but what I'm doing is putting things off AND PLEDGING TO MYSELF TO DO THEM AND I KNOW I WILL DO THEM.
2 girls just scuttled off in front of me wearing tight black skirts. Well... they were scuttling in a very cute manner.
Anyway I didn't get my faci role. But heck la I'm in the sub comm already. I'm just not popz enough lor what to do. But don't mistake me, I don't say this in a self-hating tone, but a heck-care tone.
Shit, class in half an hour and readings still not done.
You have to come to law school to appreciate what we mean by you can never finish your readings.

Lesson of the day: you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of your work. If you go to work sulky or tired everyday something needs to be changed. Something in you needs to be taken care of. And most of the time it's your psychological welfare.

Maybe all it takes to relax is time, because today after a good rest (sleep) I feel more driven. And it also takes some interesting projects. Surprisingly TWC is looking more appetizing now after doing some preliminary research for the report.
#hopeful

Suddenly remembered what somebody told me... That it's all in the mind; that if you choose to think it's boring, it will be boring as hell, but if you choose to have fun, then you will.

Freaking out. About the workload. Again. And I feel sick and tired cos a flu seems upcoming.
But we can only march on.

Full. Smugger. Mode. Now. It's really a matter of discipline. I remember myself telling the law camp interviewers that law is a test of stamina rather than brains and I think maybe my comment might have sounded a little too melodramatic. But, well, they asked me how I found law school so far, so. I can't pretend and say, "oh, it's the loveliest thing ever!" (Yup, btw I signed up to be a facilitator for law camp.) And the interviewers should understand because they are our batch mates.

Save me from this.
But honestly, there's nothing to save myself from. This is life in its normal state. I've always had work to do. And even if there was a need to save myself, only I can do so. Right.

The advertisements are irritating.

Just saw a quote on Multifolds Photography's quote on facebook-- no matter how strong of a person you are, there's always someone who can make you weak.
Awwwwwwwww~

I feel like in the past I was a donkey wandering through the woods. Now I feel more like an owl. More alert, and wiser I hope.

Awesome. This song speaks for my heart. I've never seen lyrics that resonate so strongly with me before.

Nothing's real. Except fiction. The fiction that our mind creates every second. With this fiction stripped away, the next most real thing is probably just the sound of my own breathing. Everything else is a clutter of sights and sounds that our mind has to organize into fiction.

Shock. After typing that I realized I typed "our mind" subconsciously. Either I'm saying that you and I have a collective mind or it shows that I have more than one self.

The world is so complex and ever-changing that when you face it you realize your problems recede into irrelevance, and I'm reminded again that these issues are my own and there's no issue of blame at all. The only pressing issue is what to do next. And the answer to that is to move on (i.e. study for tmrw's test). Basically I'm against whining to friends or family. Turn whining inwards. My new take on myself.

Inspired after reading blogs. By the way if I had the capacity to do so I'll probably be working 24/7 every second, but I don't, so I blog, and the time I spend on blogging is sometimes more than what is wise.

I don't think I enjoyed my jc life. And my secondary school life, although secondary school was more fun than jc. Despite my mild exterior I think I was secretly a competitive person and it almost consumed me. Everywhere I went, and literally everywhere, people asked me about my grades and told me to work hard and not slack. I grew up believing that my self-worth lay in my grades, and so I pushed myself really hard, and maybe that's why I have a few strands of white hair now (who knows?). I forgot how to make friends and open myself up to people. I smiled and laughed and went out with friends but secretly I thought I was a really boring person. I envied, and I still secretly envy, people who make a living not doing something that required years of studying, but who make a living performing and teaching the arts (like music etc.). They might be cash-strapped, depending on how popular their music is, but at least they are doing what is a true manifestation of themselves (right? or is there no such thing as a true self?). This is why I've never been truly proud of my schooling, except at interviews. In social settings I introduce myself as myself (unless probed further).

I definitely made a few friends from secondary school (and they have stuck with me till today). I also made a few in JC (and only one has stuck with me till today). The rest have moved on. I don't have many groups of friends even though I want to, because I just don't find the chemistry with them. And for some I felt the chemistry but the friendships plateaued and have since died off. But on hindsight I don'r think it matters; what matters is who I have now. It's like a part of me has lived, and then died off, and now I'm plucking off its dead branch, and putting it in the tree-hollow that is my heart. So lyrical.
It's really hard to define what sort of people I have chemistry with.

I've made a few more friends in law school, and I hope they last a long way too. Something tells me that these friendships are here to stay for a long time and are unlikely to plateau and die off, unlike some in the past.

I also notice a trend in my life, and the trend is that it is getting darker. I get to know friends with darker sides, with darker outlooks on life. And I think my outlook is darker too. I've become more foul-mouthed, more gossipy and much less politically correct. My old self would probably have reeled in horror at my current self. I'm not sure about this change in myself but I think as long as I say stuff at the right time it's okay.   Deep down I'm quite afraid that I'll degenerate into a disillusioned, gossipy lady who takes pleasure in abusing people. But I think I'm still far from that state.
I find that I've always tended to take the moral high ground when talking to friends, but I think I'm doing that less nowadays. Maybe I'm becoming more amoral. I realize that there's nothing great about myself anyway, so why should I bother to be so morally upright, and why should I aim to be the epitome of goodness? I'm human after all and no one is an epitome of goodness. Except some saints. But I know the boundaries and I don't want to step out of them either.
I also find that I'm usually the one in my circle of friends denying the existence of negative stuff. I'm the one living in lalaland. That's because surrounding myself with positive thoughts keeps me going. But I also recognize the truth which is that life gets dark sometimes. I think I am still quite sheltered because my whole life has been spent living in a greenhouse, and I've been cultivated by my environment to study and be a good girl and all that. I need to transfer myself out into the real environment, and I think I'm probably on my way there.

And the truth is... what is important to me now is being myself, and discovering new people and new things, and treasuring the old that is still with me in the present.
I didn't expect this to such an introspective post. I should really start studying.

Here's a rather apt song, apparently from Grey's Anatomy, which I don't watch. To myself, my family and my friends: don't forget me! (yes, I shouldn't forget who I am, that's what I mean)

Performed at SMU's openhouse today! Then got home and sat myself down to study. But couldn't concentrate. Put my head down to rest and ended up dozing for about 15 minutes. And now I'm here! With my contract textbook open in front of me. I'll blog a bit and then I'll quickly go into full mugger mode. I promise.
Grateful to have such lovely friends who spent time with me celebrating my birthday! And some of them even have midterms next week! (like me, but this is my birthday they are celebrating after all, not their own!) All in all, a great 20th.
-Is a happy mushroom- So much work for my humble birthday. Touched that friends and my family (on sunday) get together to make my birthday a good one, and me, out of so many other people on this planet. It's really just another day on earth, but to me and my family and friends, it's a chance to get together and share the loveeeeeee. :3

Now I really have to return to reality and gear my brain up for contract midterms. Really, Marsha. What are you doing with your life?