Blogging on the mrt. (Y)
I feel so awake despite only having 5.5 hours of sleep, and 5 hours of sleep for the past few days. And its only 7.40 am. It must be a concoction that my mum makes for me to drink-- wolf berry and ginseng strips. :)
Yesterday after lesson I was feeling really sick and tired. Our prof grilled the other group and picked on lots of words they used, and told us that lawyers should e able to defend every word they use. True, but I felt really worried for the presenting group as they got whacked left right and centre. Then the prof asked who's next week's presenting group, and my group and I reluctantly raised our hands. She said, okay, you have to learn to fake enthusiasm a bit better; it's just like that, we have to do it. Hurhurh. I guess she makes a lot of sense, but a lot of the time people who make sense use words that are really jarring. Anyway besides that presentation, I still have 2 more presentations and 1 report to hand up next week, and the thought of it yesterday after lesson more or less crushed whatever positive feeling I had.
She said, face it, there's no such thing as happy law students and happy lawyers. Very strangely I felt slightly better after she said that. I guess that's just the truth.
And in addition, I went  for dinner with my classmates after lesson, and that cheered me up significantly.
After that I went for samba despite much grumbling about how much time it's taking up. Kind of cheered me up too.
If there's no such thing as a happy law student, then I am truly glad for my friends, my good friends, and my drum. Without these, I think the Marsha or marshy  you've known will not be here anymore. I would probably be lost in the no-man's-land of sanity.
But one thing bothered me yesterday-- why are some people so combative? Can't they learn how to give and take, and respect people who are just trying to do their job, instead of bitching about and trying to harness people to support your stand? Come on, that's just a plain waste of my time and mental energy. I don't take part in such matters.
Also, yesterday I learnt that there is no such thing as somebody I truly dislike. I used to really dislike this irritating guy but he was really decent to me yesterday, albeit as distant as ever. But in such situations I don't value closeness as much as I value decent behaviour.
Right. So that's an update of what happened yesterday.
GOOD LUCK TO MYSELF AD FULL STEAM AHEAD AND NO SLACKING OFF. HA!!!

Ah Nan the getai singer has passed away. I shall take a moment to say that he lived quite a respectable life. Although his life was not free of crime, he showed that he had a kind heart and helped people out whenever it was in his capacity to do so.
And look how much respect and love he has gotten from the people he has met in his life-- just look at how many people turned up at his wake.
People respect you for your character and not for your ability.
Words to live by!
Translated into my own words, I guess I would say that this means I'll try my best in whatever I do, because I want to put in my best effort for the people around me. And I don't have to get a perfect GPA to be a good lawyer-- if I become a lawyer in future. I just need to want to...help my clients. And probably uphold justice in the meantime...
Today was a frown-inducing day because I wasn't very prepared for the lesson. And the prof probed us with lots of mind-boggling questions. My mind drifted to my busy busy schedule.
But the day got better when I cracked a short joke and my classmates laughed, and I laughed cos they laughed. And the prof smiled at our laughter. Laughter works wonders. I should think up more jokes.
And then it got better because I ate lunch with friends.
It got better again when I joined my friends in the gsr.
Then I felt more accomplished after I met another friend to complete our discussion on a case.

Good.

Every time I close my eyes I can touch the colours around me 

Suddenly I realize everything I thought was impossible is here 

And my heart sings in a world so incredible 

And everything burns much brighter

Such pretty lyrics. :D Apparently this band's songs has been used in Twilight quite often. WHY? I shall reserve my judgement for the sake of the songs. 

What keeps me happy now are, in decreasing order

1. People

2. Food and sleep
3. Discovering new music like this one

4. Drums

5. Random bursts of mini- enlightenment attained from doing my readings (these seem to be getting sparser and sparser)

6. Hugging my soft toy

What doesn't make me happy, in decreasing order

1. Horribly tight deadlines

2. Unfriendly people

3. Lack of sleep

I realized that I probably am quite a pampered and self-entitled person. I guess a lot of people face the above 3 unpleasant factors so I shouldn't let it get me down too much.

Just realized that today I'm constantly looking for distractions, which makes me more impatient with myself, and then the cycle repeats, somehow. Urgh.
Distractions: Facebook (Now I have a love-hate relationship with it), food, sleep (because I was reading on the sofa), and now blogging.
Ultimatum: to finish this case by 6 pm! Which IS possible because I have literally spent the entire day on it.
Yesterday was, in general, quite a pleasant day.
Woke at 10 am (my definition of happiness) and did a minimal bit of studying. Went to school to meet C and C for lunch and satisfied my craving for food at the basement cafe. C had to wait quite a bit for me cos I took a bit of time to drag my ass out of the house. D: Good company and food cos I haven't had a meal with them in ages and ages! If not for the company I would have just settled for a bun for lunch at home. But it was cut short cos we all had cca.
Went for samba. It's really getting boring these days because we're preparing for the concert, so we keep rehearsing the same few songs. Secondly, I'm not very close to the people because a few of them seem to love ignoring me. Still, a few are fine and I chat with them. Vaguely annoyed at my schedule cos all my presentations and my concert rehearsals and the concert itself are all so close together. Good luck to myself, but somewhere in myself I know I'll manage fine...
Left right after cca and went for dinner with (another) C and L. I never knew we could talk so much! But it was good. It's a thousand times better than going for meals with my cca, which could get awkward.

I think what I should do now is stop complaining and get working!

There's a mismatch between living in my own thoughts and living with people. If I lived in my own world, everyone would do what I wanted them to. But living with people is totally opposite.
Haha, now you see the secret manipulative side of me. But that side of me doesn't ever manifest in real life. I think so.
Anyway, I feel half-glad that I joined my cca. And half-indifferent to it because... excitement wears off after a while.
Still addicted to that song by the paper kites! :))
I realise that my morale was really low this week. But I think it was a side-effect of waking at 6 am everyday. I took a nap yesterday and last night I slept 10 hours. Best day ever!!! Sleep really works wonders.

Mega bored. Shouldn't have signed up for random cip at woodlands! Cos I don't feel like staying in school or studying; I wanna go homeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Now that I'm done with my woodlands CIP I think I need to say that the people were more interesting than usual. There was a feisty cheerful guy who was really chatty (he is in year 3), and another more serious guy who was going to study law (in UK). I felt so young and clueless standing with them. The serious guy was very clear about the various legal professions because I heard him talking with the lawyer about what paralegals do. I don't really have a clue what professions I can go into next time. 'Lawyer' is probably quite broad so it doesn't qualify as an ambition. But it's okay I can take my time I suppose. Smell the roses along the way~

Nice song, yes? :)

I remember during law camp my senior said that uni life will be very much like work life. I can't really verify his statement because I haven't truly experienced a working life. But I see what he means because I observe that nobody really gives a heck about what other commitments you have and what personal issues you have. If you're in school you better do your stuff well.
Yeah.
Vaguely excited about school.
Sometimes it feels exciting to be challenged.

The Meaning of Boredom

In my heart I know that I'm getting bored of going to school. 

But in my heart of hearts I know that I always get bored after a while, and I know that that's not a viable attitude. 

I think I was born rebellious, but that side of me got quashed by my parents and by teachers and here I am. This is not the entire me you are looking at. My mum says when I was in her tummy I used to kick really hard. A few years on and I was a monster-toddler, terrorizing my family with incessant crying and biting. But suddenly at about 6 years old the monster in me got tamed. I say 6 years old because I remember feeling quite downcast at my kindergarten's photo-taking. I don't think I wanted to take any photos because it was really boring-- so many students, and just one silly photograph to take home But everyone was excited, the teachers were hyping us up about taking photos, and I was in my fake graduation gown, so I went along with them. I remember not being able to smile when it was my turn. But I wasn't sulking, and I wasn't angry or sad. I think I was just bored. The teacher thought I was upset and asked me what happened, and I said it was nothing. So I think maybe 6 years old was the age when I learnt the meaning of boredom. 

But if I'm not attending school right now I'm not sure what I would be doing. 

If I view life from a macro-perspective I would say that my life so far has been pretty interesting. And yet it has been a really lop-sided life, full of studying and devoid of ... other more adventurous things. Which is why I need to get out and experience more stuff. And learning at school is probably one of the ways I can do that because it teaches me what to do with my life and how to make it colouful and useful and so on. 

So yes, to myself: go on and do what you're supposed to do. i.e. readings! 

Feeling really sobered by the amount of readings left untouched. One of the most sobering times I've had. I think I might be exaggerating actually. Anyway, here's a quote to cheer me on:

Instead of asking, "What do I need?", we should be asking ourselves, "What do I have, and how can I share that with others?"

But I guess it will all sort out soon.

Somebody on my facebook friend list keeps posting lovely pics of her and her boyfriend. Vaguely jealous. >< and that day a friend showed me this photography page with tons of pictures of another couple-- Singaporean lady (just a few years older than me), American guy (good-looking). She got to know him on a school exchange. So while viewing the pictures, I told my friend, LET'S GO ON AN EXCHANGE. She said, YEAH!

Hey but, here's a really sobering fact. Fairy tales like that only happen to the really good-looking ones. Average-looking folk like me have to depend on other stuff that we have. But like my brother said, it's just a fact of life that everyone is born unequal, and it doesn't just apply to the looks department. So I have no hard feelings when I say that I look average. 

Patience...

Meanwhile I have Woofy. 

I feel like I'm getting a bit too old for this, right? Woofy this and Woofy that. 

Anyway as a matter of fact being single is fun too. It's just that we all have our moody and sobering moments. Every human being has their moments. 

Hahaha, no I'm definitely not crying. This picture is just cute.

Suddenly recalled what my mum said earlier in the day-- I should be pleased with myself because I am healthy and I am (reasonably) happy. I added the 'reasonably', in true lawyer fashion. I agree with her. :)

Got Mr. Woofy from my cca mate yesterday. He's part of a cca Christmas gift exchange and I got Mr. Woofy with a bit of nerve and a bit of luck. :) Mr. Woofy is a brown soft toy dog. But he prefers being called Woofy.
Feeling lazy today even though readings are mounting... Was supposed to watch Cloud Atlas tonight with my bro but I realized that I should really be studying instead. Bro accepted my explanation without hesitation. Hmm. :)

Nothing much going on in my life except lots of cases to read and some amount of hitting drums. I realized that reading cases can be interesting if you take it as a story and put yourself in the person's shoes. I did that just now but I've only finished one case in my entire weekend. OMG. Still have loads to go.

Hmmm. It's Friday. I seem to keep thinking of my readings. But here's an inspiring quote:
"It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end, because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was... when so much bad had happened? ...But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something. ...Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going because they were holding on to something. ... There's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."

-- Sam Gamgee in LOTR :) 

Gonna skip my cca's photoshoot on Saturday and Sunday. Told the in-charge that I have a lot of readings to do. I think she might have been rolling her eyes while reading my email but... oh well. I won't be of much help anyway, I can't do make up, I can't drive (well), the only thing I can do is fan the models and wipe their sweat or something. 

I miss you~~

I actually miss a lot of things and a lot of people, so the 'you' is collective. Don't stir shit!

But the only way is forward. Mm.

Pleasant distraction arrived in the form of an email from our self-awareness workshop instructor, asking us to do that Myers-Briggs personality test. Alright! I'll do it again even though I've done it a gazillion times before. 

So I'm an ESFP! I was an ENFP a few months ago...Uhm..?

Extravert(44%)  Sensing(50%)  Feeling(25%)  Perceiving(33)%

Went for another ocsp interview today. The interviewers were really nice; I've never met interviewers who smiled so much. I don't think I'll mind building a gazebo (that's one of the jobs) if they'd let me because they look like wonderful people. Speaking of which, I suddenly feel like I want an ocsp quite badly. They asked me about my cca-- that was almost a dealbreaker; I could see them exchanging looks when I talked about the upcoming concert. But I told them my attendance is quite flexible, which is true, and I hope they believed me.

Okay I think they're gonna reject me. *SOBZ* :'(

Today I was in quite a black mood. I'm rarely in such black moods. Firstly I still had some residual rage from last Saturday, secondly I was notified that an ocsp rejected me, thirdly... well that's about it.

But I cheered up considerably after my lessons.

Watched the 9 pm show when I got home today. It was about Pierre Png acting as a schizophrenic man? Anyway, I agree. Spiritually speaking if I only had my law readings to do everyday I think I'll become like him too. A prof said that once in law school we shouldn't be doing anything other than studying. I tried to see things from her point of view for a few days, but today I realized that I don't agree. I suppose I'll take her words with a pinch of salt-- she means STUDY HARD.

If I'm gonna survive this semester (regardless of ocsp or not), I better get a move on in my readings.

Today I learnt that there are some bosses you cannot talk to and some whom you can.
The first kind of boss asks you for more information. You helpfully provide whatever you know. And then you get slammed in front of the whole band. Please, if you wanted information in the first place, don't slam the person who provided you with it. Just clarify politely if you didn't understand; blowing up will not help me to make you understand. The world doesn't revolve around you no matter how important your role is.

The second type will clarify the facts politely and encourage you. He respects you. He will squeeze you on the shoulder and tell you it's alright that the first boss was so mean.

To the first boss, my reply will forever be, "I don't know, why don't you ask somebody else?" My respect, if any, for the first boss, will never reach even half of my respect for the second boss. Or maybe 10 percent is a better estimate.

Even my nasty friend (the irritating person I complained about previously) probably noticed that I was angry beneath the surface and he sat beside me and talked to me fairly nicely. For the first time in N weeks. I was mildly surprised but I guess maybe he isn't that nasty after all.

Anyway I was really calm with the first boss when it happened but now I just have to vent my anger here. My senior probably noticed my rage beneath my really calm surface and squeezed me on the shoulder and told me it's alright. This senior is one of the 2 I've been fangirling in previous posts.
I've never been so angry in a long time and it's probably because I've never taken such crap before. I know, I sound really pampered and sheltered. But that's how I am.

However, unlike some people, I recognize that the world doesn't revolve around me and I understand that such crap is really commonplace. I have to get used to it. I have to understand that nobody outside will treat me like the youngest child in the family, like my family always does.

But it's because of the bitches that you are reminded how very much you love your family and good friends.
----------------
And now I shall go and continue my readings omg I'm doomed.

It's a luxury to wake at 11 am, have a relaxed breakfast and then blog, all in the comfort of my home! :) And listening to covers by Sam Tsui, Tannner Patrick and Cameron Mitchell.

Yesterday was twc class and it was quite uneventful, except for a rather amusing moment when the prof pointed at me and asked for the 2nd law of thermodynamics. What?? So I said f=ma which was of course wrong. Don't squirm (@yun and other physics people) haha. Luckily I'm not blonde or else it would have been a blonde moment? Then formed my group-- was slightly displeased at first that it was all girls again like in bgs, but now I don't think it matters and it could even be better.

Prof flashed a quote on the screen-- I'm not even sure why, I think it was just part of a random lecture. Anyway, the quote was: The secret to true happiness is a combination of low expectations and high insensitivity". Words of wisdom! I don't fully agree with the low expectations but I fully agree with high insensitivity. 

After class I stayed in school to wait for cca to start. Must have been about 7 hours of free time, spent eating lunch and then camping in a room. Very comfy and I even fell asleep (while studying). :)) Pleased with myself for finding that empty room. However it got a bit too boring at the end of the 7 hours. 

Went for cca. Was tired like a zombie about 2 hours into cca which was a total of 4 hours. Quite a few people looked like zombies too.
And have you heard this lovely new single by OneRepublic? :)

Looking forward to their new album coming out... early this year?

And my recent discovery of a band:

Oh what a demanding first 3 days of school! I realized I put quite a lot of pressure on myself too. Sheesh, I've rarely felt so stressed in all my life. Loosen up! Tuesday was the worst cos there were two lessons and the day before I slept 4 hours trying to finish my readings. Some amount of stress 

and nerves combined. Beep. Relax. 

Still getting used to school... not used to school after a month's break...no...it's okay...I just need a week or so to find my studying spark...

Finished my tort readings and rewarded myself with an episode of Sherlock but didn't enjoy it because the end got a bit boring (A Scandal in Belgravia) -- I'm already comfortable with Sherlock being asexual and not interested in girls (or guys), but for this episode, adding in the sentimentality felt quite unnecessary, and the girl wasn't charming in my opinion.

Anyway after Sherlock I embarked on my lrw readings, and after a while I got distracted so here I am. Slightly tired with reading and slightly afraid of the new term. For example I'm afraid of what sort of people my classmates are. But on the bright side I think most law students are nice, by extrapolation from my classmates from last semester. Furthermore I've got people I know in those classes. 

Another thing I'm afraid of is time management. But I think I should be really used to busy schedules by now and all I need for this term is the usual amount of discipline, less fear and more trust in myself. I think this term feels worse because I don't feel the excitement I had for the previous term. 

Okay that's my fear settled.

I keep feeling annoyed at the passive-aggressive meanness of my section mate. Oh gosh, I've never seen a bitchier and more two-faced guy around. The bitchiest people are able to tune their frequency and let it show only when they feel like it, so people who are more consistent in their treatment of others don't know what to make of them. And I don't retaliate nowadays because I think it tarnishes my image. Also, some bitchiness in my life probably won't harm me because I've been so sheltered from it all my life; every person must have some experience with bitchiness in life.
Actually, writing this down makes it seem worse than it really is-- it's very simple for me to just ignore it, objectively speaking. But I'm feeling rather irritated in general today, so I shall write. I finally understand what adults mean when they talk about colleagues at the workplace and brand some nasty people  '小人'. This dude is gonna be the 小人 in my school life. One thing I tell myself is that getting annoyed won't help matters because it only fulfils his aim. I shall sail through unfazed. 

There are many more angelic people around and my vision shall not be clouded because of just one of them.

Sigh don't judge me because I kept using the b word. I only use it on this blog, after all. Now that I've laid down my moods I think I'm ready to embark on reading again. 

Here's wishing myself and all my friends a good term ahead. :) Do not forget what your aims were when you first made the choice to sign up for law school. And, hmm, and the choice to sign up for this cca.

Being in a cca (and a large one too) teaches me about how bitchy people can get-- not very, actually, but still  an eye-opener for me; after all I grew up in quite a sheltered environment. At first I was quite demoralised by it and I had to try not to sulk, but now I think it's much better on my image and for my happiness as well that I take it all with a game face. After all I join a club because I enjoy its activities, not the company. The company might be important but don't set too much store by people. There's a Chinese saying (I don't have chinese on this laptop)-- kao shan shan dao, kao ren ren pao, kao zi ji zui hao. One of my mottos in life. I have the choice to enjoy something, and I won't let other people affect my choice.

Anyway there are people I still look up to. Those 2 people I fangirled several posts back--they are really impartial people. There's a senior who seems to be interested in making sure that his juniors cope well with school work. And the people who help me out sincerely and kindly. My heroes. -bumps fist into chest twice- 

Okay that post only applies to cca. Of course there are many more heroes in my life-- my family and friends of course. 

I'm vaguely worried about how busy I could be this coming term. O:

For these 2 days I've been feeling a sense of unease at the back of my mind, and I know it exists because I haven't been able to sleep 9 hours straight at night as I always do! I've been waking up only after about 7 or 8 hours, feeling this sense of urgency to do something, although I wasn't sure what. Then after a while I would have the sense to check the clock and realize that it's only 7 am or 8 am, and so I'd go back to sleep, but still with a niggling unease at the back of my mind.
It's the back to school syndrome!
Last night after cca I suddenly appreciated that school was really starting soon and what it really meant. Looking back on semester 1 I think it felt like crashing through a mega-wave-- I just went through something quite shocking but while it happened I didn't realize the full magnitude of what I was doing. And now looking at semester 2 I'm suddenly aware of a huger wave looming over me, and I'm about to crash headlong into it.
O:
Went to sleep with a greater sense of unease last night. Then woke up at 8 am feeling that mysterious sense of urgency. Went back to sleep with a stupid smile on my face when I realized it was only 8. Had intermittent sleep till 10.30am. (I only slept at 1.30 am okay!)
Woke up feeling refreshed but the sense of unease descended on me after a while.
But after thinking about it for a while I think the way around this phantom unease is to deal with it like I did in semester 1-- blissful ignorance. Stop thinking about larger things like, school in the context of GPA, and just give it my all everyday. In semester 1 I surfed into the unknown without knowing the size of the wave that was going to hit me, and I think the unknown can be scarier than even the hugest wave. So... nothing to be scared about, it's just business as usual, marsha.
(Actually in semester 1 I surfed into the unknown expecting tiny waves and ripples only. But that also proves another thing-- worrying about huge waves does no good at all, the only thing that matters is that I surf through the wave, i.e. worrying about my studies in sem2 doesn't matter at all, what matters is only that I work hard in sem 2)

Cool quote from Sabina in The Unbearable Lightness of Being: (not word for word cos I can't remember)
She had betrayed x, y and z. If there was no one else left, what was there left to betray? Was this unbearable lightness of being the ultimate goal of her betrayals?

Because by betraying she was actually freeing herself form the burden of love. I can't remember who's x, y and z though I'm sure one of them is Franz and maybe the other is Tomas...?

Okay so cool that it came floating into my head suddenly while I was reading a case (Heron II). ._. Needs to concentrate...

A few more memories came trickling back to me about 2012:
1. I think it's this year that saw me falling in love with cellos. Very early this year or very late 2011. Started listening to 2cellos and PianoGuys and other random cellists. Only remembered this because kiss92 played Smooth Criminal, which 2cellos did a cover of. Sizzling hot cover. :D
2. Started to try out drinking. During camp. My tolerance for the horrible taste of alcohol has risen, but I will still refuse to drink stuff like whisky. I like cider, champagne is fine, and white wine is alright.

I think I don't have a very good memory. I need people to jog my memory...

Resolution for 2013, a lovely-sounding year:
to be more at ease with myself in social situations
this sort of phrasing ties in 2 important goals-- a) to remember who I am and b) to be confident

I developed a new hobby-- collecting wallpapers for my laptop. :)