There's a suggestion to do a post reviewing the past year. Oh well... okay. My memory is rusty. But I shall start with general musings first...

I think I live mainly in the present. 

I generally dislike thinking about the past because the past holds no wonders for me and it's all old news to my mind. I've done good things-- alright, meh, the present holds more challenges; I've done bad things-- no, stop thinking about that embarrassing incident again! 

I rarely think about the future too, but I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I assume present circumstances will just extrapolate themselves into the future and anything else is unexpected and can't really be planned. 

So I immerse myself in the present. Which can be quite bad because when my present is really boring I get disheartened about the future and start to wonder why I live an existence like that. For e.g. boring readings and less-than-nice-but-better-than-nasty cca mates. When I have an entire day free to myself I usually spend  it reading my notes, and when I'm not reading my notes, I'm being a lump of flesh. Being a lump of flesh is very comfortable but when I snap out of it I start to feel useless. 

You can skip this if you don't wanna read a book review

Speaking of being a lump of flesh, that's what I became when I read Milan Kundera's The Unbelievable Lightness of Being, because some parts of the book were quite boring (the political bits), but the parts about family/human relationships (ahem) were more engaging. E.g. the part about their dog dying was quite sad. I don't normally feel sad about animals dying in books, but for this one I did. It was all the more touching when the author explained why the lady's love for the dog was better than the love she had for her husband-- because her love for the dog was unconditional but her love for her husband wasn't, because she couldn't get over her husband's infidelity. Still, note that she loved her husband more deeply.

I ahem-ed earlier because the author included some erotic moments, but I'm used to reading stuff like that already anyway. I like how he zooms in on the characters' thoughts and feelings. Every one of them feels so real, and helps me to feel more real too. If you know the story, I'd like to say I identify most with Franz, the guy who wants to live in truth and not in lies (He admitted to his wife that he had a mistress). I've admitted many things before. But his mistress left him because she wanted to live in secrecy and not in truth (for the public to judge), which I felt was slightly sad (slightly, because why did he have to be so honest? A part of me feels he deserves it. And now I realize that this comment applies to myself too-- maybe I don't have to be so bloody upright and honest every time.) 

The book ended abruptly (I guess that's the author's style) but sweetly. The book taught me that love is touching but it always changes your life in ways that you might not like. But because you love that person you'll deliver yourself into change anyway. Anyway this sounds cliche (I feel like I've heard it somewhere before) but this one describes it on a more personal level; something that I can understand better. So I shall tell myself now-- I don't need to hanker after love.

Okay my post morphed into a book review. Back to agenda.

Sometimes I feel contented being in the present-- yay! happy times!-- then when I'm faced with questions of what's going to happen next time I draw a blank. I think if I thought about the future more I might be more driven on my own, and I'll stop being a lump of flesh and move around more. But I rarely stick to plans, so why should I make them...? This is something to think about... reserved for a later post probably. Like... what do I want to work as? How much money do I want to make? What sort of adult life am I gearing up for? I don't really want to think about it actually. It's more delightful if I see my options from a broader view, rather than fixate on one goal.

Now for flashback-----

Now that I think about it, the year surprisingly started with me slacking in January and getting a job in February (Was it Feb?). I don't think it was a proper job experience but at least it killed my time. On hindsight I think I was babysat quite a bit in the office and everyone spoke to me kindly, like they would to a younger sister or a daughter. Cos I'm 19~

Then I worked till May, during which I started driving. Useless driving licence in my cupboard which might be useful in the future.

Holiday in June in Turkey. Yay. :) Meanwhile I fretted about university choices, which doesn't seem like a big deal now. I'm glad I stayed in Singapore. Though I don't know what life might have been overseas-- I might be happier, but since I don't know, I don't need to care. Glad I stayed in Singapore because... more comfortable and quite an eye-opener too, to mix with the general population more. I was quite a hermit in JC. Anyway, point being, overseas or not, I'm still living life and growing up. 

Orientation camps in July.

Crazy term from August to December. 

And my short-term goals remain: 

1. Higher GPA

2. Stay on in samba. Pride factor is at play as well... I don't wanna be wrong about joining it in the first place.

3. Remember what I've written and remember who I am.

Reading through my previous posts I feel like I've grown slightly older. Maybe because I'm the youngest in my family, I feel like people have been giving way to me all the time. I realize that most of the time I feel like I'm the one who is correct and others are in the wrong and it's only right that they acknowledge that they're wrong.

Well, not all the time anymore I guess

Some nice old song for you:

Welcome to reality. Pursuing one's passion seems to come at a price-- you need to at least try to mingle around with people who have the same interest as you even though you might not click with them. (Although I'm aware that it is not a must to mingle, but it's in my nature to at least poke around with people first.)
And then after some initial snide remarks with people who might not be at the same page as myself I tell myself that it's time to not be so sensitive, and it's time to be a person who lets seemingly snide remarks bounce off herself. There are such people who exist and others can make jokes out of them, and they laugh it off and sometimes laugh back at the other person. I admire such people-- they don't give a hoot about what other people say.
I still can't shake off the feeling that people hate lawyers. Only a few though; thankfully for this world not a lot of people are so narrow-minded.
But now I know that I don't need to shake off the feeling, I just need to let it bounce off me.
As poey mentioned a few days ago: in relationships, no one cares what difficulties or emotions you are having; people are only interested in what you can offer them (anything under the sun-- emotional support, money, specific skills, etc.). So no point moping about emotions and wearing a glum face. I just have to focus on what I want out of my life.
But I concede that mingling with people who don't click with you is taxing and possibly quite time-wasting.
Until today, I always thought that I could make friends with everyone-- friends as in trustworthy friends who can chat with you-- as long as I was friendly and smiley. But now I take that back. Friends are hard to come by. Everyone else is just a colleague, or an acquaintance.
I didn't go for the gathering today to meet up with friends and chat about everything under the sun. It was a gathering purely for business purposes-- to mingle and show my face, to show that I'm interested in the people who share the same interest as me. And I was definitely met with pleasant surprises-- spoke to cute people, nice people. So I'm not totally disillusioned.
Although the price of this party/gathering was, my mum didn't sleep till I came home at 12.30 am (and even so, when I left the place, the party was still going on). That's my uptight mum for you, but I can't and won't fault her because mums are just like that.

Helped my mum out yesterday and while doing stuff I poured out all the gossip and woes I had about school to her. Mum was a good listener. At the end of the day I felt quite depressed that all my woes had been laid out, and vaguely disoriented-- what am I doing in university? -Sigh-
Mum's advice was to ignore all these people and just focus on my studies. She said, just study everyday. On first hearing I thought, that would be a terrible life. But it was probably the way she phrased it. After a while I realized it made sense, because at night I felt my old self coming back to me-- so what if (some) people are horrible and life doesn't go the way I'd like it to? I'm still me and I'll go through life the way I want it to be. I need to stop being sensitive about what people think of me.
And on the other hand I need to stop having ideas about using people as a means to my own ends. e.g. there's a law senior in my cca whom I'm not close to, but I shouldn't make friends because I want notes. People make friends because... they make friends. I'll make my own notes.
Commenced reading for next semester today at 12 noon, after a while of burying my head in the sofa and in my pillow and telling myself that I should rest my brain before reading. Yeah right! -rolls eyes at self- But at least I've started. (And then now I'm distracted with my blog after about 20 minutes).

Sigh my mum just lectured me for not studying for such a long time and sleeping 11 hours last night and such. Dampened my mood. Oh well.... And another prof emailed us saying that we can go check the website now for the first week's readings. Okay, yes world, I recognize the signs! Signs that i should really be studying. (And not blogging)
Dislikes the word 'should'.
Checked my classlists for all my next sem's classes and recognized a lot of names. And a lot of names repeat for all 3 law classes. Boring... or maybe not!
Whee busking is fun!

So tired on both days of busking! Tired until cannot think. No stamina.
But it was great fun. The Lions won the football match, right? Their fans apparently contacted our cca president and asked us to join in their celebration so while the Lions drove into Orchard we played our rhythm for them while the fans danced around happily. I've never done this sort of thing in my life before and privately I couldn't believe what was happening, while on the outside I smiled and hit my drum :D The rain added on to the surrealism of the whole thing. Am I really playing my drum on Orchard Road in the rain with football fans jumping around me?
Cool beans!

After the Lions left an even larger crowd stayed behind to watch our last performance of the day. Felt good to have a crowd watching us play, all armed with cameras and phones to record our performance. :)

Now that busking is over I shall turn my focus to readings....

Aims for next year (i.e. next sem)
1. Higher gpa
and
2. Stay on in samba
Yes I will do that even if there are a thousand of person-mentioned-in-previous-post in the cca!
And make sure my skills are up to mark so that at the end of next year I'll get selected for the overseas trip, either in Coburg or in Brazil. Currently they are alright but I'm always one of the slowest to remember new rhythms. Apparently there is an audition for going overseas~

I'm not very used to myself being angry at somebody because it rarely happens, but I think I'm getting used to it, especially since I see this person everyday. Gosh I've never met such an irritating person before. Why does he have to be in a cca that I really like and in the same section on top of that. Being unused to being angry I've always been swallowing back my annoyance and lowering my sensitivity antenna and treating everything as a joke. But there comes a time when a line is crossed and I have to do something to show my anger. Well, what I did is, I typed in a passive-aggressive remark in our group chat in response to his nonsense comments. Quite anti-climactic-- I think you might have been expecting more e.g. I slapped him?

One reason I rarely get angry is because I'm afraid of hurting people and upsetting group dynamics. Another reason is that people usually get angry before I do and they retaliate first so I don't feel the need to do anything. But heck  the line is crossed already. It's even better if other people know I'm angry.

I do remember somebody retaliating to another of his nonsense comments a few months back in the same group convo. But she doesn't do it now because she's enjoying an overseas cip trip. I want her to come back soon.

Another thing that pisses me off is how he is so popular in the cca. He's just a huge flirt and has a loud voice that's why. No one sees his irritating side except us. And we are very tolerant people so he has had his way. Not anymore.

Sheesh I really had to get that off my mind, no matter how much I wanted to keep that in. On hindsight I actually think you all might cheer me on for finally getting angry cos I get angry so rarely it can seem abnormal.

Hmm. After being moody and complaining about the people who have offended me I've realized that I should put it all behind me and pledge my allegiance to my cca instead and not get so affected by the people. After all I joined it cos I thought I would like learning how to play a drum, and it turns out I really do. Yes, so I will enjoy myself tomorrow and Sunday performing.
At the open space outside Takashimaya. 1 pm, 3 pm , 4.30 pm. Hahaha.
And I'm not the only one-- many seniors probably also harbour the same feelings towards other people who do not quite suit their palate. (from my observation) But today I heard them play a song, and it was really good, which shows that soured relations should never affect a group performance.
Ohhhhhhh yeah! :D

By the way, that's the instrument I play. ;)

And I went out with my secondary school friends today. They made me laugh so hard.
To my family and friends, just by existing alone, you give me faith in humanity. Yay. Thanks for existing and being in my life.

Just finished prac. Section's angst level rising. My angst level is also rising. Was ranting about all the injustices to myself in my head on my way home and had a good mind to type it all down here, but after that I complained a little to poey and it shifted into perspective. Not a lot of injustices actually; there's a hokkien saying that says 'it amounts to nothing if you're not nit-picky'. If you want the actual pronunciation it's 'mai hiam buay pai'. (do you know what i'm typing...?)
Anyway now all I'll say is,
I really really respect those 2 who made me feel appreciated and not worthless during prac, through seemingly small actions and words, but which gave a huge boost to my morale. They truly deserve their exco position. And I truly wish that I was working with them. I'm fangirling them here and they won't know, but maybe I'll tell them next time cos the band does give them birthday cards which we all sign on. Lovesthem x infinity. I'll tell them I'm their fan and they are very much appreciated by people like me.
People are not respected for their ability but for their character. How very, very true.
This dude ended up with a badly bruised ego and I couldn't help but pat him on the shoulder cos I know how it feels. But no cure, I think he dislikes all of us. -shrugs-

Besides those 2 whom I just fangirled, there's also another girl in my group who makes me feel appreciated but I just didn't fangirl her here because she's made me feel appreciated since the dawn of time. In simple words, she's my good friend over there. :D

I just wanna take these people and clone them a thousand times over.

I sincerely hope that no one from prac reads this, but if any of them are reading this, I'll say this to them: please imagine this post never existed. Quite impossible that any of them have my URL but this is in case there are weirdos out there who try to see if I have a blog.

I'm so free nowadays, I let my mind wander. So I'll pen my thoughts down.
For the past few days I've been caught up with what the meaning of life is. So I googled it and read through what some philosophers have said about this topic, and realized that some of it are quite familiar from what I read in JC. But there were some new stuff, and I read through them.
At first I thought my belief tied in quite nicely with Absurdism, which highlights the irreconciliability between our search for the meaning of life and the meaninglessness of the universe i.e. how can one find meaning in a meaningless universe? Then I realized it's quite a despairing answer and it's quite hard for me to acknowledge that I live in a meaningless world.
And then I read on... and found something that I'm more comfortable with, something called secular humanism:  "It is based on the premises that the happiness of the individual person is inextricably linked to the well-being of all humanity, in part because humans are social animals who find meaning in personal relations and because cultural progress benefits everybody living in the culture.^[38][39]"
Yup, and after that I got too lazy to read on.
These few days I switch on the laptop with hopes to start reading in advance for next semester (as our profs have warned us to do...) but I always end up doing other stuff like blogging.
Tomorrow I'll be free in the late afternoon before samba, and I'll be outside. Maybe I'll try to read my stuff in an atas cafe like Starbucks so that I can feel like I'm on holiday rather than studying.

I haven't actually written about what I think of the past term. Now that I'm comfortably in my holidays, well-fed, well-watered, well-slept, and slightly fattened up, I shall write what I think of it.
1. It was tiring. I felt quite burnt out by the end of the term.
2. It was really fun at certain times. I found myself enjoying the tiredness sometimes, because every second of my time was occupied and I had no time to be bored (or even existential. Although right now I can safely say I've gotten out of my existential mood.)
3. I like the people. In law, in samba. Was quite anti-social in samba, come to think of it, but now I'm seeing more of them so it doesn't hurt.

My companion on the MRT yesterday said that at 19, it's natural for me to not know what I want to be (because I said that I don't know what kind of lawyer I want to be). I've never actually thought of myself as young, I've always thought of the past and felt old. I guess I'm still very much a kid who's blundering around in this world.
Which I agree with more now that I've thought about it. Kids don't have a care in the world, and I truly don't, because I don't have to worry about my income (that's provided for) or my kids (non-existent) or whatever else an adult would worry about. And adults do have a load of things to worry about, learning from my 3-hour experience at pro bono.

Tralala~

Read my brother's post and remembered that I read a few articles over the course of my first term. From them I've formed an impression of Singaporeans:
Utilitarian-- Definitely influenced by a government who embodies utilitarianism better than any other government in the world. I remember reading an article about the death penalty and caning as mandatory sentences-- we use a cannon to shoot a fly, because all we want to do is shoot down the fly and we don't give enough regard to others who can be harmed by that cannon. Nothing wrong with that for the rocky beginnings of our nation, but maybe now it's time for us to loosen up and re-assess our values?
We make all, if not most, choices using cost-benefit analysis. E.g. We tell our children to be doctors and lawyers because they earn the most money and the most prestige, we make our children do cip by making it compulsory for them to earn cip hours.
I'll remember these articles I've read and I'll try not to be like that.

A quote from the hobbit reflects my opinion entirely. This is what Thorin, while on his deathbed, told Bilbo:
"There is more in you of good than you know, child of the kindly West. Some courage and some wisdom, blended in measure. If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."

The dwarves have a weakness for gold bordering on obsession, and it does not seem to have brought them anything much other than a lot of battles.
Bilbo, my hero! A hero who also evokes my sympathy when I watch (in LOTR) how he gets slightly obsessed with the Ring he picked up in Gollum's cave.



Thinking about the ring...


But at least he seems happier here after he gave up the ring!

Shall do a narration of my life since wednesday.

Wednesday--

Went out with elsa and cheryl for lunch and chat. It was good to chat with old friends. 

Pro bono: interesting stuff but was kept busy with no time to talk to the lawyers.

Thursday--

Met with elsa (ha elsa again) and joey for lunch. A lazy day. It rained while we were eating so the atmosphere was really comfortable. (don't you love sitting indoors when it's raining)

Friday--

Watched The Hobbit. This movie deserves 10 stars. The Hobbit and LOTR movies are in a class of their own and no other movie I watch can beat them, really. 

There was eye candy: 

This is Kili, Fili's brother.

Sadly he died in the Battle of Five Armies.

More eye candy (a cute one this time):

The next-door man hobbit who turns out to be a hero.

Makes the average cinema-goer (actually I mean myself) wonder if there's an inner hero in themselves too. 

Now I can't stop listening to this:

During the fighting scenes, when the instrumental part of this song plays, the average cinema-goer (I mean myself) will get really excited.

Brother caught the flu. Unfortunate, because this is one of his rare breaks (4 days). Had soup for lunch hoping that it would make his nose feel better (but it didn't).

Went for samba in the afternoon and dinner with samba people after. Got really full after eating the chicken pita, and munched through the sides (macaroni cheese and coleslaw) reluctantly; didn't finish in the end. Was surrounded by seniors whom I haven't really talked to (actually I haven't talked to a lot of people) so I was quite quiet compared to last week's dinner. I discovered that one of the questions I'm really uncomfortable with is 'what school are you from'/'what course do you study'. A senior asked me that today (this is the first time I actually sat down to a meal with him and other people), and I arranged my features to form a blank face before saying 'Law'. Unfortunately he did not hear me and said 'what?', and I responded to him with narrowed eyes and a wrinkled nose before repeating myself. Was trying to figure out a way to say a different type of school without saying law (i.e. maybe say hwach) but realised it didn't make sense. The poor guy looked sheepish and shifted in his seat and I realized my discomfort must have shown. If you know me well enough, I guess you'll know that I can be rather sensitive about people judging me with regard to academics. Past experiences tell me that it happens.

The seniors (guys) started reminiscing about a certain person who quit the cca (their batchmate) and said that she was probably the reason that kept them going in cca. My interest was piqued. One of them offered more information and said that she's got one of the best legs around. You can guess my response-- I started judging him immediately. Another guy (the same poor guy who looked sheepish a while ago) noticed my narrowed eyes and tried to salvage his friend's predicament by saying that he's just honest, to which I felt sheepish in return and agreed. But his friend was not listening; he was staring into space, probably reminiscing more... ^_^

Took the train with a JD law student (jurisdoctor; i.e. person-who-takes-law-as-a-2nd-degree). And yes, she's in samba! *clapclap* Increased respect. She's quiet in CCA but really chatty on the train. She's nice. She's my brother's age and talking to her felt (momentarily) like talking to an elder sister. ^_^

All in all, an entertaining day.

My new motto in life is not to take things so seriously and laugh at everything including myself. (except when the situation is particularly grievous or tragic and calls for a solemn mood; touch wood.)

When I got home my mum reminded me again that I shouldn't start watching a new drama (since I've wasted days to watch dong yi), but I wish she wouldn't because hearing people talk about dramas makes me want to watch more. e.g. Suits. Is it really good? It seems so because everyone who watches it talks about it with a twinkle in their eye. Like how I talk about The Hobbit with many twinkles in my eyes. Bleh I'm a bit off. IT'S 2 AM.

Not the kpop band.

I wanna meet up with more people but it seems like my schedule next week is packed. I think my schedule next next week is not packed though, that's good.

I think at some point we all ask ourselves what the purpose of our existence is. I know I've asked myself this question quite a lot of times but I've never taken it seriously-- usually my next thought would be, to make friends, to do decently in exams, etc. But today I asked myself this question again and somehow today I took it so seriously that I felt a great melancholy in  me. I think this strange mood can be partly attributed to suddenly recalling what I heard a few people say before, "If it's your time to go, then it's time to go" meaning you really can't control the length of your life. I was suddenly afraid at what would happen if -bam and touch wood- my life was going to end in a matter of days. Touch wood again. So yes, today in the middle of Orchard Road while waiting for my friends I suddenly felt sad and afraid.
So I turned to my confidante, Google, and found this:
http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-with-an-Existential-Crisis
Which was very useful and after thinking things through again I felt much happier.
To add on to the existentialist theme of today, I continued my reading of this book called the Unbearable Lightness of Being which is, according to the back of the book, an 'existential book'. I read a few pages and there are a few things which I fully agree with-- since we only live one life, what is the point of living it? It totally reflects what insecurity we might all feel at some point in time. We don't know how to live this life we're in because we have no other lives we can compare it with. And another one-- humans all feel like we are part of a huge game in which the rules aren't always in our favour. I agree with this 2nd one although I'm a bit uncomfortable with it because it brings to mind the siege mentality. But between that sentence and the siege mentality there is still a dividing line. The siege mentality reeks of paranoia but that sentence I quoted does not.
Anyway, to my friends who feel existential after reading this post, fret not, live with that insecurity, think it through and find your own way to make the best out of it.

What I've been doing during my holiday:
Watching Dong Yi, going out (a few times only), reading (a bit only). Dong Yi has taken up a lot of my time. Need to finish it asap!

Felt peaceful as a cat when I reached home today and curled up on the sofa watching TV without feeling guilty.
And then now I sit down and I feel an emptiness inside me because idk what to do now that I have so much time. D:
Strange world I live in, strange me...
At least I have one thing to do for now-- read Cloud Atlas!
Plans for a 3.5 week holiday:
1. get in touch with myself-- have I changed, what has 4 months of smu turned me into?
2. spend time with mum because I didn't see her much during school time
3. watch the hobbit with bro. a date with my bro!
4. go out with my friends and talk over a meal :) and shop.
5. read cloud atlas. finally, my first fiction book in 4 months
6. buy next term's books and start on next term's readings (not a priority...)
7. attend samba practices
8. clc session on 12 dec
9. neaten my room
Hmm. Nothing much else. Why's the list so short! But I guess it's enough.


There's so many wars we fought
There's so many things we're not
But with what we have, I promise you that
We're marching on

Maybe I'll get their album in 2013. :D

2nd last exam just over! 24 hours to liberty! And then I'll emerge from my hermit-like existence and greet the world good morning.
I feel like sleeping right now but no. Discipline is the word of the day.
Grades
Are
Forever

Heheh. He says I should be studying. Okay sure no problem. :D That's Ryan Tedder btw.
TODAY SHALL BE A DAY OF PRODUCTIVE REVISION.

Alternating between sian-ness and anxiety to study. Haha... press on, press on... 3 more days...
Feeling good today on the whole though cos I went for dinner with my family (one of our rare dinners together). :)
Got a rude awakening... about the realities of life and the frailty of human relationships. Meh. But it doesn't affect me much, not now at least.