Learning not to expect a lot from others. That's one of the factors that contribute to more happiness. Anyway, today was a smashing day, and I'll add it to the list of days that remind me not to quit my cca. Today was also smashing cos I met up with poey ;)

What I'm doing is not really taking a melancholy view of life. There's a difference between melancholy and removing shiny layer by shiny layer my expectations of life. 

When my expectations aren't that shiny, life becomes more colourful in comparison.

Here's a lovely song. I karaoke-d this song in the afternoon today. :)

Boy, I really feel weird right now. Cos right now, inside my head, I'm seeing the many different sides of me and I'm just thinking, wow, I'm actually such an inconsistent personality. Who am I really? There's so many possibilities. I try not to let my personality waver too much when I'm around each group of people, because that would probably unsettle people. But sometimes, just a few times, it gets boring being the same person.
At the same time I don't think I'm unhinged, I think this is just a rare occasion when I'm truly appreciating the different sides of myself.
This kind of thinking was probably just triggered by sitting down and surfing music from YouTube. Hope you don't think I'm losing my marbles. You'll probably do some weird thinking too if you just sat down and listened to music, like I'm doing right now. It's just that I like to write my daydreams down.
I just had a strange dream (daydream) in which I'm attending a party which only insane people can attend (people who are certified insane by doctors). Two outcomes: One, everyone is happy and being themselves, their true, monstrous selves, maybe, but having a good time; Two, everyone is being their true, monstrous selves and at the end of it somebody is badly hurt by it all. The 2nd outcome creeps me out a bit, and it is quite likely to happen.
Where's the line between sanity and insanity? Aren't the sane people merely people who are keeping away their true, monstrous selves from society, which means they are essentially no different from those certified insane?
Or is it the other way around-- people who are certified insane are actually people gone off the edge; people with actual damage done to them?
In other words, what I'm really wondering in the above paragraphs is 1) are we insane by nature or 2) are we sane by nature?
Why do some people look so happy and smiley all the time, like they're just happy puppets carved out of living matter? But I suppose I just don't see them being pensive, like how I'm feeling now. No one can really see me now, so it makes sense that I don't see people when they're in their most pensive moods.
There are just so many people I could possibly be.
Or maybe I already am.

I'm so locking my blog when I start interning or working (proper work). Right now I feel quite safe-- I think no one can google my name and find this blog, because I tried it, but in the future this isn't going to be enough.



One thing I realized is I don't do well in large groups, especially when 99% of this large group are nearly total strangers.
During break that day I was feeling super uncomfortable sitting with a group of people, because all these people were from the same section and I was the odd one out. I was only sitting there cos the person I feel most comfortable with is in that section. Anyway this dude from this section gave me a weird stare and drew a line between me and the rest of the group with his finger. I was like "Ehhh...ehhh", and I was unsure what tone of 'ehh' I should assume. My friend kind of waffled at us about it and flapped her hands. I know, no hard feelings, because in large groups people usually have strange humour and treat all of their actions as a joke. I'm sure you've all seen lots of strange humour at play. But this memory still remains at the back of my mind, anyway, at least for now.

I'm starting to feel like I'm wasting my time blogging, so I'll end here~

Okay let's have another self-absorbed moment and blog. It's somewhat true that technology helps you record your thoughts more often but it doesn't actually give you a friend to talk to. When I blog, I feel like I'm in a bubble. When I'm in this bubble, sometimes I like it, because it shuts out noise from outside; but sometimes I don't, because it makes my world too empty. Today I don't really like it~

But anyway-- CIP today. Oh, kids. Watching them, I've come to realize what kind of kids I would like for myself. I definitely don't want the noisy sort who always (always!) has something to say and is shouting all the time. That kind of kid provides comic relief, but... no. I don't want the sort who throws pen caps about that almost hit my eye (tsk kid). I want the sort who happily does the tasks at hand. There was a kid who sat quietly and decorated his cloth (they were given cloths to draw on) like it was the only thing in the world that deserved his attention. And when he was done he helped to design his friend's cloth. Good kid. That's what my kids will be like next time. There was another Malay kid who started writing Chinese characters on the newspapers provided-- awesome! I was so impressed. And I taught him a few Chinese words too. That's what my kids will be like next time too! Oh, and I like the fellow volunteers at CIP. Today I half-wished they were in my cca.

Then CCA. Every time I go I'm reminded of how I don't click with my section (or at least, the part of my section that goes for CCA).  It's also quite a pity how some people have this us-them mentality and keep people out of their sections (or cliques shall I say), but I guess that's human nature. I'm quite a clique-ish person too. And I don't click with the main clique. But all this is okay because I'm still making a few new friends. ^^

Time check: 2.5 months of summer left. If I didn't calculate wrongly-- 81 days of summer left. Spend it happily, spend it well.

Oh. My. Gosh. Another reason why I must go to London. This girl is 17! And I'm 20 and I can't sing.
Help I'm in love with her voice
Oh if I were a guy and I lived next door to her somewhere in the UK......


When I go to London I'll find a way into a live gig by some English musician/artist/band and enjoy the moment.

After getting through the auditions-- "Everything happens for a reason. I'm gonna grab this opportunity with both hands and own it."
OH YOU'RE THE MAN KARL.

And Liam Tamne's really good but he didn't get through the battle rounds. :(


I need to go to London and check out the music scene! How am I going to do that though? Sit in pubs?
Cos almost all the musicians/bands I've liked and ended up googling come from UK! How one country can produce so much talent, I don't know~

I just can't get enough of this!


MEGA DOPE.

Today was a nice day. It wasn't any wild party or gallivanting somewhere out there... It was just CIP and then CCA. Little things in life making life itself, maybe.
CIP was a little stagnant, to describe my mood-- I decorated a couple of paper bags for the kids and then played some games, hoping that I wouldn't be called 'goose' so I won't have to start chasing little boys around. I only started running around when they played squirrel forest fire (Forgot the actual name) and blow wind blow (and even then I cheated by shifting one seat down, hoho). I mainly watched the kids laughing and fooling around. And I really get what people mean when they say that watching kids play makes you forget all your troubles (but because I don't actually have troubles, I'd say watching the kids made me forget all my little insecurities, negatives, boredom, etc)
On the way home I made friends with a girl who had a fake bimbotic American accent('like oh my gad!') which made me judge her initially but afterwards I started to find the accent amusing and I realised that she's really quite likeable. She decided to eat dinner with me, which I was quite thankful for, because if not I'd have to eat alone (boring).
I could eat with my cca people but it's awkward cos the people at cca whom I really speak to don't hang out with the main bunch.
CIP combined with making new friends made me more... open, maybe, like how a 财神爷 feels, can you imagine being one?
So at cca I didn't really mind being left alone (as I am most of the time; I don't know, do I have this anti-social vibe around me?). But during break I decided to get a girl (whom I speak to more) to teach me her drum grooves. It's a really big drum and my arms became quite sore after about 5 minutes of hitting it. And quite complicated too because it's not a repetitive groove like mine is. Maybe my arms get toner with every practice, woohoo! And to play that drum you have to be really fit and have lots of stamina. For my drum you can be a little less fit, but still fit cos mine is also a biggish drum.

Maybe the way to it is to be like a 财神爷 and walk around chatting with everyone and not stick to the same crowd (and this particular crowd is missing from practice sometimes). Man up, girl, stop chilling in a corner all the time...

Anyway I felt happy after practice today, even though my usual crowd was not really present.

And there you go, I typed all of this on the mrt!

Exercise.
Bane of my life.
But it undoubtedly has benefits.

Trouble is I don't like running in the park or anywhere else public because I hate people watching me exercise. I don't like them seeing my face red as a tomato or watching me pant and puff. Maybe I'm too self-conscious.
So what I did last time was to run up and down my stairs, twice. That's 9 storeys, twice. Not bad, it used to be fun climbing up and up. But right now it's losing its charm.
No, Marsha, EXERCISE. Only 15 minutes of grey concrete stairs, just do it.

(Cuz I dislike people poking fun of my double chin which appears when I shift my head backwards while laughing)  >( And I know that behind your screens you are secretly chuckling at me, because that's what half of me is doing.

Here's a sexy voice singing a sexy song:


Do Gatsbys exist in the real world? I think they do, but thankfully only a rare few of them end up as tragically as Gatsby did. Gatsbys definitely exist because there are many Daisys in this world who so carelessly receive people's love when they ought not to, then cast them aside and bury themselves back in their old lives.
Gatsby is a man with a pure and noble dream, but against the backdrop of reality, he was just deluding himself and Daisy. Daisy eventually fled back to reality.

Somehow when I describe it as such in the above paragraph it seems less melancholy and beautiful than it is in my head. Hurh. I don't know.

When I'm counting up my demons
Saw there was one for every day
With the good ones on my shoulder
I drove the other ones away

Performed at an event today with samba. After the performance, I decided to tag along for lunch. This dude decided to stop talking about grades-- a topic which he seems to really like (I'm not sure why), but which I didn't, and so did a couple of other girls. Sigh. The conversation meandered and I shared with them that I felt quite stressed about grades, which I slightly regret now. But it's the truth anyway, so I don't hide it.
He shared that the law friend(s) he knows look very chill. Oh whatever. Somebody else then chipped in and said that her law friend looked really tired during term time.
Later when he was sitting at another table I heard them talking about grades, again. Oh, what a lovely topic for a lunch conversation.
Okay enough nitty-gritty.

Anyway, I feel like my underlying impression of myself is that I'm not good enough, which does have some truth in it, depending on the angle you take.
But that's a losing mentality. I remember a (very wise) classmate telling somebody who was freaking out about the first day of class (guess which class)-- "Cannot think like that lah, if you think like that die already."
That makes a lot of sense. If I keep thinking that I'm not good enough it's really hard for me to be anything other than 'not good enough', and everyday will be an internal struggle between trying to achieve more and telling myself that I won't cut it. That's a miserable life.

So I should ditch this losing mentality and just focus on:
firstly, summer;
secondly, studying hard when it comes to it.

No one actually ever said I wasn't good enough. It's just myself being a bitch to myself.

Shall make it a point to remove the limitations I set on myself... More focus, more confidence, more drive and relax. (Words for when term starts)

学会享受，学会做人。我是说做人的道理，不是做宝宝。

We're all of the stars, we're fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see us someday
Just take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out.

Those are the lyrics to Stop Crying Your Heart Out by Oasis. Never truly appreciated the beauty of the song until it was sung by a contestant in The Voice for the blind auditions (Abi Sampa). But I don't get what the lyrics are referring to.
Seriously, The Voice is a great show! The British are so cute, and that's the main factor that sets it apart. Plus the fact that everyone on the show is (IMO) album-worthy.
Really sad that this guy (CJ Edwards) got eliminated. He's got really good stage presence and his voice is not bad.
Go and watch The Voice, friends!
I NEED to go to London someday. For maybe 1 or 2 delicious weeks. ~~~ :)



Learned body percussion at cca today. Coooool! Tried not to whack myself too hard cos I did that a few times and felt a bit winded. Mixed up my arms and legs a few times. Glad I wasn't the only one who mixed them up, haha. The instructor is amazing at body percussion. Really. Amazing.

The possibilities are endless. 

Got a job at a tea shop. But I'm only working for 6 days in total, which seems quite pointless, but oh well, it's still work. Kind of itching to get another job, maybe an ad-hoc one, like a helper at some festival or fair or whatever.

What else... Learnt knitting; in the process of knitting a scarf now (takes LOTS of patience). Going for CIP. Doing random law camp work (very random).

Could time just make a standstill here? I don't want this summer life to pass.

In my scarecrow dream
When they smashed my heart into smithereens
Be a bright red rose come bursting the concrete
Be a cartoon heart
Light a fire, light a spark
Like a flame in my heart 
We'll run wild
We'll be glowing in the dark
We'll be glowing in the dark.
(Charlie Brown by Coldplay)

:3

Chin up
Look up from your feet in the ground
Search for those mountains in the distance
Take in the stars twinkling above
Walk on.

I wrote that because I feel that it's so easy to get caught up in the past, and to judge yourself based on things that have already happened. I don't wanna do that anymore.
As I wrote that I remembered Bilbo's song in LOTR's Fellowship of the Ring:

The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.

Basically, set your sights further. Whither then? I cannot say, but I walk on~ With a direction.

Ever since I started watching The Voice I've taken a liking to will.i.am and his antics on the show. In his words, his songs are mega dope. People say that he can't really sing, but I think his voice is nice and husky, and other than that, the songs he produces are... mega dope.
And on one episode I remember him saying something like, "People have tactics but I have tictacs, because I'm fresh." That's one cool dope quote.

So here's a cool dope song which he produced with Usher:

Stuff to remember: (copied from a certain Confessions post)
"1) DON'T EVER LOSE HOPE. At least you have 3 more years to catch up. So long you set your goal of achieving cum laude, persevere throughout the following semesters and start thinking like a winner, you can eventually make it. Your performance will not improve by leaps and bounds suddenly; the rise in GPA is usually gradual and there is more scope of improvement once you're done with all those pesky core modules. 
...
Aim high but aim realistically as well, those who are on the very top of the game already built up an unassailable lead in Year 1. The greatest marginal difference is between that of cum laude and High Merit, in terms of opening up opportunities. The additional magna/summa tag in front doesn't make a significant difference in most instances."


Okay. Yes! Onward to year 2.(gradually, because it's still summer)

Just finished watching Perks of Being a Wallflower. Could really identify with the characters (although there's a slightly disturbing history regarding the main character Charlie), and I teared a few times. I think the holidays made me more emotional. Or maybe as I grow older, hormones make me more emotional. :')

It made me ask myself why I used to set such high standards for myself. Some of these standards were not things that I truly wanted for myself, but just standards I picked up from other people. But that was partly because I didn't really know what life was about either. Sometimes I felt like an ignorant child thrown into a really fast-moving education, but I ignored that feeling.

Actually setting standards are a good thing, but... before you set standards for yourself, another important thing to do is really understand yourself and what you want and why you're setting that goal. The movie just made me feel like it's also really important to battle your own demons too, besides setting all those goals. Although 'demons' is a really extreme word to use-- given the privileged background I/we come from, I don't really see any demons about. In my world, in my lingo, I'll just say it's really important to know where you are coming from. And where you want to go from there.

Perks of being a wallflower's Charlie:
"My doctor said we can't choose where we come from, but we can choose where we want to go from there."

But, really, I'm glad that I come from here. Still, it's a nice quote.

I need to try that tunnel thing that Sam (played by Emma Watson) did in the movie.

WOOOOOOOOOO!

And also--
Sam: "Why do we love the people who treat us like shit?"
Charlie: "Because we accept the love we think we deserve."
~~~

Also, The Voice is really interesting to watch. the Voice 2012: I really liked Vince's voice, but he didn't win. Leanne (the winner) has a great voice too, though, I can imagine listening to her voice when I'm feeling emotional.
Here, this is a really sexy voice. Like Adam Levine's, and Ryan Tedder and Chris Martin.


Here's a lovely song for you.

What do I say? Today was an awesome day. Great scenery and nice breeze. But after a while the lightning scared me. Was glad when it ended cos then there would be no more lightning to scare me. ;)

A little more pride in the stuff you do
A little more honesty with yourself

Unchain your shackles
Cut a path through the wilderness

Interestingly, my mum told me the other day that 'boyfriends are troublesome'. I was telling her about... my school life. But she's also eager for grandkids. That's really contradictory.
And I do see why she says they're troublesome.

Was walking to city hall after samba today when I walked past the pub at SOB, and it was playing this absolutely charming song that momentarily made me feel like I was flying through the stars. I couldn't identify it for a while. But the voice was really good, like Ryan Tedder's and Chris Martin's. Then bam! I realized it was Adam Levine singing. Tonight I decided that Adam Levine's gotta be the hottest guy on earth. Here's the absolutely charming song:

And here's a photo of him to go with the song:


Watched 3 Idiots yesterday. What stuck in my head is this sentence by the main character:
Our little heart fears easily. All you have to do is place a hand on your chest, pat it, and tell it, "All is well."

There! A lovely quote for you. Of course you think through things, but when you find that you're thinking over it so much so that it's irrational, you resort to that.

Anyway today I decided that I'm not gonna quit samba cos the reason 'I don't belong', which I gave earlier, is really just a childish and petty reason. I'm not gonna be an overgrown baby who wails that nobody likes me (which is not true haha).

And I just realized that my Brazil trip is 2014 summer and not 2013 dec! Oh my oh my. That frees up some time and I'm actually thinking if I should go for an ocsp (if I get in, if they still have vacancies for the sub comm, because it's probably easier getting in through the sub comm). If I join the sub comm it means another commitment and will I be able to cope or will I flounder and faint and fall? Not going for the hours but... for the experience. Uni life is just that short. Usual steps: think it through, and then see if I'm over-thinking and if so, I'll need to tell my heart 'all is well'.

And since Brazil is 2014 summer, I need to plan my internship(s) around the trip and make sure everything fits in a calendar nicely. Instructor today reminded us that we are currently training ourselves up for Brazil. And when he mentioned Brazil, I just saw lots of shining lights before my eyes.@_@ cos it's just awesome.

Ooh, Payphone without the rap is charming too!

Being free means allowing myself to think, more systematically, through things that I usually brush aside and tell myself, oh it's not worth my brain cells.
For example... when something bizarre hits me, I kind of think through it straightaway now instead of pushing it aside to make way for more important stuff like homework. Even though my brain protests a little at being asked to think.
Went to check my results, only one more came out. Sigh I really thought I'd do better for that one.I really don't know where I went wrong. I thought I learnt a damn huge amount from that course, really. Maybe it's my arguments, although without my answer script, I can't pinpoint any actual mistakes. KIV- reminder to self to revisit this portion of life.
There was a time, and this period of time only just ended, when I thought to myself that my ideal learning environment will be twice as slow as all this, because I learn best over idle chit chat. Not sure how idle-chit-chat-learning will actually work out, though, maybe it only works for gossip. This time started in about JC and ended sometime in my 2nd semester of uni, when I realized that it's no good clinging on to my ideals of how I want the world to fit me. It's more useful learning the ropes of this crazy world and then finding my own way to make this world a better place for other people. Right now I'm still grasping at these ropes.

But at the same time I'm really enjoying the holidays.

Just read an article that poey linked a long time ago.
Anyway, here's one of the paragraphs.

7. Your parents don't want what is best for you. They want what is good for you, which isn't always the same thing. There is a natural instinct to protect our children from risk and discomfort, and therefore to urge safe choices. Theodore Roosevelt—soldier, explorer, president—once remarked, "It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed." Great quote, but I am willing to bet that Teddy's mother wanted him to be a doctor or a lawyer.

Very inspiring paragraph, except the last sentence hurt a bit.
What, being a lawyer is just a safe choice? I guess there's some truth there. I picked law because I didn't know what else to do. Doctor? Not just a safe choice, at least you're saving lives or making someone's life better. Hmm. But lawyers can make lives better too, I suppose. Marginally. Depends on what you actually do.

I wonder what people really think, or if they are thinking at all, when they smile and tell me, Wow, one doctor and one lawyer in your family, not bad, eh? I suppose they are thinking of money. But money-- that's just the material aspect. I don't reply to them, I just smile a bit painfully (I'm thinking of myself, not thinking of my bro when I say 'painfully', obviously). Being a lawyer doesn't mean anything. It's just another job title. I haven't actually done anything substantial! Neither do I have anything substantial in my head, but you aren't supposed to know that.

What's happening in my life:

Went to bangkok and came back, got really absorbed in reading all 3 books of the Hunger Games immediately after/during the trip, and now here I am!

Bangkok with my bro was really fun! Highlights of the trip:

1. Watching a muay thai match (3 sets)

Party in the stadium, really, with 99% of the audience being middle-aged to old male Thais, and a substantial number of them betting on who will win the set. Lots of testosterone-loaded shouting and cheering. I huddled with my bro at a slightly quieter spot in the stadium in case, as my bro said, I get volunteered as a bet by somebody. For example, "Hey, if I win, I get this young lady down here!"

Unlikely that it will happen, but better to be safe.

But the atmosphere was really charged, I could feel it in my veins. I let out a few oestrogen-charged exclamations as well. Hmm.

2. Riding a tuk-tuk

Whee! Most romantic experience ever, except that my companion was my bro. Still, the sights were breathtaking. It can be romantic in a more personal way. It's especially romantic if you ride on it at night, on a flyover, with thousands of headlights dazzling on a road below you and the wind whistling by. Tuk-tuks travel really fast. 

Even if you're riding on a tuk-tuk in the day, it's fun enough watching the colourful streets of Bangkok fly by, with warm wind roaring at your face. The tuk-tuk is like a little roller-coaster. And imagine seeing cars so close to you that you could touch them! (and probably earn a scolding, so I did not do that).

3. Visiting a gay bar in a red-light district (Patpong district)

Really, really relaxing and refreshing place. Relaxing because all I did was order a mojito and fried ice cream, and watch the world go by, and listen to our neighbours talk. Refreshing because, wow, I've never been in a gay bar before. Changed my mindset-- I've become a bit more pro-LGBT. 

If I ever go back to Bangkok, which is quite likely, I'll visit this place again. 

One of my most memorable trips because we did not only go shopping, that's so conventional, and shopping in Bangkok is the same as shopping in Singapore, if you're staying in the malls-- I already have so many things anyway, why would anyone shop so much? Unless they were shopaholics or really enjoy pulling money out of their wallet. 

For the same reason I didn't buy my friends anything because I didn't know what they needed.

I'll probably have more opportunity to buy fluffy gifts in Korea because it's Korea and also because we'll probably spend more time shopping during that holiday.

Watching Suits now and much of it comprises the lawyers being bitches to each other. Hmm. 

I'm reaching that zone of Summer Holidays where I can almost feel my brain taking a long, lazy stretch. Stretching out to thinking of other things besides what it has been preoccupied with during the term. It feels really good, even though all I'm really doing is staying at home. Quite strange that I'm not going out as much as I thought that I would be. I assume all my law friends are happily allowing their brains to take long and lazy stretches too. After all we've seen each other in school really often. Although that doesn't mean we can't see each other more often. ^^ The inertia is huge though. I guess most of us are essentially a bunch of introverts-- definition: don't like to interact unnecessarily.

Motto in life: To find something, or better still, some things, larger than myself worth dedicating my life to. I'm still searching.

Because life is essentially more than myself.

Oh gosh I'm reminded of those university application essays that asked you about your vision for your country or something along this line. And I'm asking myself the same thing now. Well, maybe I'm maturing a bit late, but who cares? There isn't ever a right time for anything to happen.