I keep feeling tired nowadays. Although I'm only 19 years old. ~.~ I'm supposed to be energetic all the time...

Experiences at work:

1. I realized that I'm super serious compared to the rest of my colleagues, even those who are older than I am, who are about 20 to 30 years old. The ones who are our parents' age are more composed of course, but that's because they are old. My younger colleagues joke around most of the time and have a lot of secret office conversations via email/msn. I don't have any secret conversations and I find it hard to joke around. (It's not really in my nature, although I crack jokes occasionally)

2. I get a kick from listening to them complain about (some) other colleagues or complaining about them myself. It's even more amusing when we poke a little fun at them. Of course all this is not done with evil intentions, it's just an outlet for stress. 

3. It's easier to feel lonely if you're a boss-- people chat with you less.

4. I like being around the aunties who are around our parents' ages.

Was trying to force myself to do the applications just now, but then I realized that I was probably running low on inspiration and fuel so there was no point forcing.

:)

It's time to retreat and take a break!

Where to start? I can't remember the last time I felt so angry and bottled up. I'd like to give a detailed account of what happened but it will just make me sound incoherent and immature, so I'll just say that after the huge rush tonight, I'm feeling frustrated and angry. I've settled with throwing a mental tantrum, i.e. speaking to myself in my head (emphasis on "in my head", I didn't talk out loud to myself like a madwoman).
Honestly, I love my laidback attitude. "Laidback" does not mean "never gets things done", it just means "will get things done but only just before the deadline", and where exactly is the problem in doing that? As long as I get things done, I don't have to follow everyone's godspeed and dash around doing work. I have take my time to understand things.
Godspeed is how I've been trying to do things for too long, back in school, when tutorials, CCAs, lecture notes-EVERYTHING- had to be done quickly, because we had to revise, revise, revise! Or get more sleep! Slowing down my life after A's only makes it harder for me to revert back to godspeed.
Life in Singapore is really too fast for me sometimes. It sucks having to be around kiasu people who rush, rush, rush all day, who want to be first in everything so they don't lose out. It sucks even more to be around people who impose their kiasu-ism on you and try to make you rush too.
But all this complaining makes me worried about university. I don't know if I could cope --supposing I get into Law-- with the hundred plus students around me who will also rush, rush and rush out their homework, presentations, etc. I suppose I'll just do it my own way-- I'll do all I'm supposed to do, to be a good lawyer, but I'll not kill myself trying to be top in class or anything. Well, if I get into Law.
-----
Now that I'm feeling calmer, I'd like to talk about the way I handle my family. I don't know when it started, but I realized several years ago that I didn't like to air my views frankly with my family members. I realized it takes too much effort to argue with them, to make them see things my way, because they'd just say, FINE, do it your way, you're big now, so you don't want to listen to me anymore (something along these lines). It leaves a bitter feeling in me because it feels like I've forced somebody to do something and I don't want to "do it my way" anymore.
So I've taken to ranting to myself (in my head, doing mental tantrums) and ranting on my blog. Ranting with friends face-to-face doesn't work well with me either, because I'll feel a little too worked up and start shouting at the friend instead. I know I'll do that. Ranting to friends online doesn't work either, because online is where people get distracted. So, blogging and mental tantrums are the best.
Which brings me to my next point: I'm such an introvert. So I feel like when people share random facts about their life with me I find it amusing and laugh inappropriately. Because it's not my style to throw out random facts of my life like that. And I think I'm going off the track so I'll stop here.
----
It's times like this I really look forward to living in the university's hostel, where I can be free of any supervision and I'll really be able to do things my own way. But today when I had this thought, I realized that  I'd have to go and live with other students who would have their own way of doing things too. And in some ways, that could be hard to live with too. So, everything comes with pluses and minuses. But I think I'll still prefer living in a hostel a little bit more.

Here's a song which helped in clearing up my angst:

Oh my goodness. When did Snow Patrol ever do songs like that? With the dance-y beat in the background. When I found out it was by Snow Patrol I almost couldn't believe it. The point is, it's a great song, his voice is so sexy! :D

I'm sinking into a waterspout of apathy. No, this is bad, this is bad. I got a bit disturbed by a quote I came across saying, "If a man hasn't found something he would die for, he isn't fit to live." I feel almost nothing for my university apps. I'm excited about the course but I'm not excited at all about applying. Which just shows that I'm lazy. It's not healthy to have university and scholarship apps taking up all my time, all my thoughts.
The best thing about yesterday was how I taught myself (with the help of a youtube video) how to play 2 songs on the guitar-- no chords yet, just individual strings. But still something to brag about :) The next best thing was that I got to watch my Korean drama on Channel U. The third best thing? Sleeping.

At this moment, I'm sitting at a window invigilating 16 people for their entrance test. I've run out of inspiration to write anything and everyone is off somewhere else being busy with their lives. D: So here's a note to myself, to finish all university apps by this Friday.

It wasn't until yesterday that I realized that even though I've graduated from school for a few months already, I still have this little streak of insecurity that I'm lousy and other people are smarter, better than me. I know it doesn't make sense and I'm trying to get rid of this nasty, unhealthy feeling that I've felt all my schooling years.

I was assembling my seconday school certificates last night and I realized that even with decent grades, my teacher put down in the remarks column that I should set higher goals and work harder. I know it's not even wrong of her to write something like that, possibly to encourage me more, but I still can't fully accept this sort of attitude towards things: studying, life, etc. My result slip didn't reflect straight As but it was good, in my opinion. Why work so hard to get straight As when you could be doing something more worthwhile? After all, a meaningful life is not characterized by pure mugging.

I'm sure you've felt the same way before, when you did something that you thought was really good, but others didn't think it was good enough.

That was just some little issue I've been thinking of since last night (now it's morning, a new day of slacking at work). Oops did I just say that? :)

Feeling so bored! Maybe I should really have taken the effort to find a job somewhere else. Okay no point regretting. Because...
"The happiest people do not have the best of everything; they make the best of everything." :3
Yup. New life motto. Alongside the one I display on my blog on the bar.
Went for NUS open house again just to ask more questions. I felt excited after visiting NUS. :)
Here's a song from the 90s. I love songs from the 90s because they do not reek of auto-tuning. I do like electronic dance music sometimes, if done artfully, for example, Avicii's DJ music. This song is just upbeat and it lifts my mood well. :)

The nicest people aren't always treated the nicest, and the ones who are not so nice get treated more nicely than they sometimes deserve. It takes a lot of effort to be nice.

I wonder this almost everyday: Why am I so free? @@ It's a good time to do something productive. I think my job is the same as me spending my day at home-- I can do whatever I like up here in this office.
Anyway, I just read this essay my friend's senior sent her about studying NUS law. It makes NUS law sound so busy; she sounds like she's stressed and she says she doesn't have time for family and friends. So, can I bring myself to be that dedicated to studying law?
Here's a video that I saw on facebook. I think I like what she's saying. The title of the video is "The Power of Introverts". :)

I haven't gotten inside my head for quite a while now.

I feel like I've been treated too nicely by all my family and friends, so that I don't recognize it when other people are being nice to me too. :) I shall open my eyes more.
Suddenly I'm reminded of the times I didn't treat my family very kindly, e.g. ignoring them or snapping at them even though they were just trying to have a good time/help me out. And they are still treating me well. It seems like I have a lot to learn in terms of caring for others.
How could such a dampening thought occur to me on Monday?! When I've already suffered from Monday blues.
I suddenly feel excited about the thought of applying to NUS's business course and USP at the same time. :D Should I? I always make decisions and then change them unexpectedly. I rarely have decisions set in stone.

Sigh I'm sick of people asking redundant or silly questions :/ It requires superhuman effort to bring myself to answer all of them... And if they aren't silly questions, then they are proper questions which I don't know how to answer since I don't know all the protocols so I have to keep calling my supervisor.
But since they are silly questions anyway, they shouldn't be hard to answer so I'll just do my work happily. -.- And I ask silly questions all the time too when I go to the bank or the driving centre or wherever else. So, it's human nature to ask silly questions and I can't fault human nature because then I'd fault myself too and become a miserable creature.
And it's a little annoying to be stuck with all these questions when my colleague is happily typing and grinning to himself. -.- Though I can't blame him because I got delegated the job of answering emails. Although it would be better if he helped to answer the phone. >(
Okay I'm suffering from Monday blues.
Bur I shall practice my school's spirit and zi qiang bu xi. YEAH...
It's heartwarming to have teachers asking you about your future plans, as if it mattered to them. :) Okay it's just two of them, and both are secondary school teachers! What does that tell you...

Speaking of future plans, I suddenly feel very interested in the Business course at NUS. Yes I'm fickle but I'll go read up on the course later when I've finished answering all the emails.

Here's a song to brighten up email-answering:

This is one of the rare times this week when it's peaceful enough to blog and I actually have something to blog about. ^_^ I'm listening to cnblue's Don't Say Goodbye. I guess I like most of their songs because they are mostly ballads or country-style music (?). But I haven't reached the fangirling stage. I feel like it's a bit superficial for me to fangirl Korean bands because I have this impression that they are just part of a huge batch of commercially-produced singers/dancers. :X Oops. I'm sure they have their little quirks and personalities though, that make them more human, but I guess I'll have to watch variety shows to see that. I don't usually watch variety shows though, except running man, so I don't know much about all these singers and I only appreciate them through their music styles.

I think Claire is right when she says (or her colleague says) that what I'm interested in can be complementary with what I'm good at! I'm interested in things like sociology and international relations and political science. But I looked at the course outlines of the last 2 and I think they're a bit too heavy for my interest. ._. That's why I'm interested in the liberal arts which allows me to study a variety of social sciences and sciences. I think I'm good at science, but I don't like it that much. So... I'll think of a way to make them complementary.

For now I've decided to just apply for ync, nus law and smu law, in order of 1st choice, 2nd choice and 3rd choice. Actually the gap between 1st and 2nd choice is very small, because ync and law both have good points... and not-so-good points about them. As for scholarships, I think it's good to apply for them, but I haven't yet found an organization I'd like to sell myself to. I actually set my sights on the Ministry of Foreign Affairs but it seems like they only accept undergraduates who are studying overseas. :( Time is ticking, the deadline is next Tuesday...

So I was listening to CNBlue's Try Again, Smile Again when it was interrupted by odd noises from the staircase. ._. I shan't elaborate.

I don't want to grow up to be someone who keeps saying "I should do this, and I should do that" but never actually does them. Doing that simply shows you are somebody who is sick and tired of your life but doesn't have the means to do it. From a different perspective, you could say that the person is trapped in his own circumstances, e.g. he needs to stay on in this job to provide for his family. That is what I'm afraid of and I hope I'll have the means to decide on my future and my life when I start working next time.

As for my job... it's really relaxing, you just have to handle sudden floods of information slowly. Nobody cares how long I take to do it as long as it's not unreasonable. :) What I learn from my job is: 1. to be polite on the phone no matter what they say ("youngsters nowadays arh..."/"how can you treat me like that?!yakyakyak..."/etc) although most of them are gentle, calm people who just have questions. 2. be friendly in the office. I learnt this from my colleagues who are friendly too and celebrated my birthday with a cupcake. :) Yes, you can buy my allegiance with a cupcake. I know I won't make firm friends in this office but at least it makes for a better work life. Other than these two things, I haven't learnt anything else, but it doesn't mean I'm wasting my time; I guess it's better than collecting dust at home. I'd like internships too, but... I have no contacts, and to be honest, which company would hire a random A level girl from who-knows-where?

If I'm so indecisive, I deserve to float around aimlessly. D: I still have no clue what I'll put as my first choice major for NUS. My first choice university is Yale-NUS. NUS is my Plan B.
I just read this somewhere: Growing up means knowing how to define your life. What happened to me!? Why am I still clueless? Okay, to be fair, I have a plan already, I just don't have a Plan B.
But there's still something. I feel this massive, huge bout of inertia stopping me from applying to the universities and scholarships. I don't seem to want to break this brainless, soulless cycle of going to work and then slacking at home.
NOO. This must change!!!
What am I going to do in my gap year if I were to get into Yale-NUS? Work? Yes. Ask them for contacts.
Advice I've taken from various sources: Be adventurous. Be flexible.

BEFORE I FORGET: I saw this quote on facebook this afternoon, and it got me thinking of things, such as: Do I really want to study law, or am I considering it only because it is prestigious and everyone says it's a good choice? And also everyone seems to say wow or give an approving nod when you tell them you want to study law. ~.~ I should reconsider.
“If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.” 
― Frank Zappa

Yes, I take full responsibility for my decisions.
-------

Given that I have somehow transformed into an ENTP, I take it that one of my personality traits is that I don't like to be controlled.
I guess that's why I deliberately annoyed my mum by asking her repeatedly why she was against my going overseas. Last night she relented and said, okay, do whatever you want, just don't blame me next time. Oops.
So with this newfound freedom, I pondered again and decided that I'll just stick to local universities. Reality check: I have the opportunity to go to UK, but I signed up for Science courses at all of them, now I suddenly I don't want to study Science. What a waste. And that leaves Cornell, which hasn't replied... I think I won't get in because I don't think I put in a good application.
I was thinking about all the million reasons for going overseas and the other million reasons for not going overseas, and then I realized that one quick look at reality showed that it wasn't quite possible for me to go overseas this year. Haha.

I was reading Limpeh's blog last night (Limpeh is what this blogger calls himself). He seems very proud of the fact that he "voted with his feet" and left Singapore, and I respect him for daring to take the path less travelled. I wouldn't do that myself, because to me living alone in another country is far too much out of my comfort zone for now. I hope I will get to travel overseas on university-related or work-related trips in future, for short periods of a few months, but maybe not a few years.
Anyway, the point that I took home the most from his blog was that Singaporeans are very passive people. I agree with him and I think I can pull out an example or two from my own experiences. All I can say now, because of my limited life experience, is that I will not grow up to be somebody who is passive and I'll remind myself about that when I feel too lazy to stand up for myself.
I just realized that "because of my limited life experience" is a lame excuse. I'm 19 years old!!! It's time to stand up and open my eyes to the world about me. Even if it's a rather small world. But hey, it's still better than walking around with my eyes shut and banging off walls. I'm gonna read up more on stuff happening in Singapore. (at work) ;) shhhh.


Addicted to this song :)

Pleased. :)
But tired.

Although I didn't actually think much of this birthday at the start, it turned out to be a really fun and touching day. :D There were 3 surprises in all, and so I felt touched 3 times today. :3

I reported to work and my colleagues wished me happy birthday immediately. :) And throughout the morning random colleagues walked up to me and wished me happy birthday too. (This wasn't really a surprise, but it was heartwarming.)

At lunch time, Poey surprised me by turning up at the bus-stop right outside my office with a chocolate cheesecake. :D When I got out to the bus-stop the candles were blazing already and melting all over the cake haha! My colleague was suspecting that I was going out to meet a guy. ^^

It started raining at about 3 plus, and I thought to myself, what gloomy weather. But just as the weather started spreading its gloominess to me, some of my colleagues walked into my office with a cupcake and a lit candle, and sang me a birthday song! This was definitely a surprise. I rarely eat lunch with my colleagues (and I was starting to feel bad about it a few days ago), but it seems like they still think my birthday is worth celebrating, and I'm worth singing a birthday song for.

After work I went to meet Cheryl at Dover MRT. I honestly thought I was having a solo candlelit dinner with her. That was until we reached Watami the restaurant, and Cheryl started talking to the waitress secretively (glancing at me and lowering her voice so much). But the waitress gave it away by repeating whatever Cheryl said: "Oh! Your friends are here already? Okay go in!" At this point I went "Huh?" at Cheryl who smiled sneakily. So we went in and we met up with Claire Elsa Yun Chloe and Huimi and Pam (who came after). :D Surprise #3. Got showered with presents and was treated to dinner.

AWESOME DAY MY DEARS! :D I'll remember all these lovely memories. I'll face every day with renewed faith and love because of all of you. :3

Here's a song that expresses all that I've been saying, and I'll dedicate it to all of you my dear friends.

Call me bored or egoistic, but here's my birthday present to myself! :D