Feeling extremely restless now and I know I'll pay for it later with a long night of mugging as well as a panic attack.
Just wanna be a mean person and say that... Yesterday I couldn't stand how he kept going on and on with his fluffy nonsense. Some people just have the ability to talk in paragraphs when a sentence would have gotten the point across equally well. I guess they love the sound of their voice and like to feel like they are making a difference (when they totally aren't). Got really impatient, plus I was running late already. Also I'd like to say that I don't respect people even though they're in a position of leadership, if they don't lead well. They might have a great vision and be responsible, but they could also suck at enforcing their rules, and suck at delivering their message, and suck at their EQ. And although I might follow these instructions, I do so without conviction in my heart. Bleh! Feeling pissed. But it doesn't matter to anyone, does it? Even if it matters, no one will give a shit. Life goes on and I have to move on too or I'll get left behind. It's better to move ahead and be miserable rather than get left behind and still be miserable.
I just feel like I've been shutting a lot of doors to my heart recently. Bam. Bam. Bam. No one can get in but me. Ha. I thought I could follow the 'doors of opportunity' saying, and open a door somewhere else where another door closed, but no. It seems like the doors of my heart remain shut except for a precious few moments where they open for a short moment. I don't think I'm being petty or childish. Everyone else's doors are pretty much shut too. Locked, even.
>( >( >(
Just let me throw a tantrum on my blog cos I rarely do it.
I also get really annoyed when somebody says something not very clear and expects me to get it. When I don't get it, they say: Eh you law student ah?
It's happened a few times already. Glad to say it's only happened with 2 'friends'. Emphasis on the inverted commas.
SORRY I'M TO BLAME FOR YOUR LACK OF COMMUNICATION SKILLS AND FOR ALL YOUR SHORTCOMINGS.
Sigh I feel super pissed now.
------
I half-wish I had gotten into another section.
I wish I could be more efficient with my readings. Goodbye.
*horrible mood* *is it that time of month*

Feeling really tired today... all I wanna do is just stone and listen to OneRepublic's songs.
But
I
Can't!

I am feeling confused and tired right now.
But anyway I think it would do me some good to try to bring my level of self-pity down, because growing up requires you to just face things and move on.
Be fearless.
Hardest thing for me to do right now is to be shameless. But really, why not?
Easiest thing for me to do right now is go to sleep. Goodnight!

So I guess I've been a little too grumpy
and maybe a bit self-absorbed.
Some people are strange
Can't make sense of them at all
Maybe I should leave them alone.
But other than that
I think the circumstances are right for me to have a good time.
^_^
Had McDonald's for lunch today and a half-hour snooze after that. Maybe that's why I'm so cheerful now. :)

开心点，对自己好一些。
发觉到我的同学大多数都看起来很累,很sian, 也有一些沮丧。我也不例外。哇，这样子过日子，不知道能碍多久。
做人道理：高兴一些，对自己多一点自信，应该会让身边的人对你好一些。
睡觉啦不要再说无聊话了。来不及读完书，还想谈大道理，真是有点不对劲。

don't need to sleep already lah.
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality.

今天感觉有点像老人般一样累，一样满足；又有点像年轻人一样有冲劲，想征服我的功课。
今天早上... 我有些担心，血压也好像顿时升高。可是现在傍晚时分...我觉得今天是开心的一天。
又发觉到有些人的心胸一点狭窄。可是不关我的事。
刚刚才发觉到自己也心胸狭窄，所以才能有这种想法。

Read an article in a school newsletter and here's a paragraph that caught my eye:
I’m overgeneralizing a little but classes with ready-formed groups seem a little guarded, slightly hostile. Maybe I’m the only one who thinks that. I get where people are coming from though. If I had my friends around me, I wouldn’t bother speaking to the person who came alone either.

Oh YES, I agree! Sigh I can totally see why law classes feel so uptight and unfriendly now. Okay, no one is unfriendly on the outset, everyone smiles, everyone says hi, everyone makes small talk. But deep down inside we just don't want anything more to do with each other. Okay, I'm guilty of that too, I form my groups early on sometimes. Okay, I'm unfriendly. I can think of a few people who don't do that, though, and I think they are nice. I'm not nice.

Also yesterday I felt like the dumbest person in class. I think I didn't read something in detail and the prof went through it in detail, and everyone could answer his questions. So I was kind of panicking in my seat.

Sigh. I. need. to. relax. a. little.
No I need to stop distracting myself and go prepare for my class later.
AND I need to stop stressing myself out (even though I don't get my reading materials and week 2's materials are zooming in).

PFFFT I think I'll go crazy without my cca.

Suddenly felt damn scared about whether I will be able to pull up my grades this sem. Turn of events made me wonder. I think I've been too nice and too naive. Previously I posted that I'll rely on myself lots this semester, and I'm starting to feel it now. It's not just relying on myself, it's also tanking other people. I guess the previous 2 semesters were quite lovely in comparison and have done nothing to prepare me for this sense of floating.
I really should stop running away from reality-- sleeping so much, gymming, cca. I guess I could keep the gymming. Sleep must go away. Cca can be done in moderation-- don't go for so many gigs.
ohmygosh
:(

No... there's reality... and there's me... we seem to exist on separate planes.
argh...

今天我发觉了一件事。以前，在工作方面，我太感情用事了。渐渐的，尤其是今天，我发觉到没有人会理会我这小人物的感情。我心里不会含有任何抱怨，因为抱怨没有用，反而可能是自己过于敏感，过于任性了。小时候是家里的公主，人见人爱；在外，只不过是另一个不起眼而又娇生惯养的女孩。不要抱怨，不如相信自己，也不要那么依赖或信任别人了。自己好好做事就应该心满意足了。一定要用功。有点埋怨自己为什么现在才学到这个事实。
Okay I think there are definitely some grammatical errors in my Chinese but I'm not sure how to correct them :P but I think it's still understandable. After looking through my post i even feel that my broken chinese conveys my thoughts very accurately. English just doesn't have the same ring to it. Anyway, that was but a small part of my first day. Other realisations include: accounting is not my area of interest, and also I need to sleep earlier on Sunday nights because I was falling asleep during accounting.
Also I just realized that even though I love blogging, the same principle as mentioned above applies as well-- not many people give a shit what I blog. Just a reality check for myself.

Chalet after convocation!
Convocation was fun but a pity the performance only lasted for 3 minutes.
Chalet was boring all the way until the bbq started. The farewell for seniors was really emotional though. Lots of laughter and then they started crying. :) It was nice bathing in that sort of atmosphere.
Noticed how I don't feel for my section at all; at least not the people who were there. Also noticed how the seniors didn't feel emotional about our section per se but more for the general memories. I don't really like my section except for my batch's girls and it seems like they don't like our section either. We managed to converge together to take a photo though, and we went off to other people after that. But it's okay! Cos I like other people and I also liked the celebratory atmosphere yesterday. Had lots of fun toasting marshmallows to squishy perfection. I liked how I only toasted 1 stick of marshmallows for myself, but other people were like 'LET'S TOAST 5 STICKS AT ONE GO!!!' and they gave out the toasted marshmallows to other people. It's just nice to see other people being so generous and having fun at it, while I snigger at my own seeming selfishness.
My section's senior drove us to Pasir Ris mrt after that and I felt vaguely irritated by 2 people; they aren't very nice people honestly. Okay but the time has come for me to stop saying all these petty things out loud, because there's so much more to say and so much more to be happy about. And I hope my blog remains quite private cos I didn't broadcast my url anywhere.
Then I went home to sleep for 11 hours since I couldn't sleep during chalet @@
And here I am.
School's starting tomorrow. Uhm. Nothing to say for this one. Bye!

Feeling surreal right now-- I'm in a chalet on the easternmost tip of Singapore doing my readings at 5.45 am. Cos I can't sleep-- no comfy blankie, no bolster, no pillow. Jialat. Anyway I feel quite awake cos my sleeping time's over. My brain seems 2 times slower though. Trying to type without any sound.
Anyway, takeaway of summer--
'Why so serious?'
I think my childhood and teenagehood were both too serious. I do feel the effects-- I feel like a wooden block compared to some of my friends.

Slept for 5 plus hours last night. Drastic change for me who is used to at least 8 hours of sleep a night. Felt a huge difference in my energy level, and wondered how I weathered my way through semester 2 with all morning lessons and samba at night.
*pats self on back. lol. I guess it's all about conditioning.
Woohoo to more 6-hour nights! *masochist mode on*

SO! I'm gonna be a chiongster tonight! Cos I only have Sunday left to myself before school starts. Friday is convocation rehearsal + performance, friday night + saturday is chalet with samba.
I do the strangest things-- right now it's going for chalet even though it's in changi and even though I could use the time for rest + doing my readings.
My mum looked distressed. But sorry mum :( I couldn't resist ending my holidays with a bit of cheer. :(
OKAY CHIONG WORK.
Supposed to chionging like a machine but I chanced upon this video and it has a nice, feel-good storyline. :)



okay back to machine mode :o

Okay I think I'll call it a day.
Felt pissed today at a remark my friend made. It was a really insensitive remark. To you, it's a shortcoming I have but ultimately that's just the way I am, and I've survived 20 years of being myself (and also thanks to my mummy mainly), so do respect my existence. Then again I realize that I seem to have an extraordinarily high tolerance for many people's existences and their obnoxious shortcomings, so I can't expect the same from others who don't share my level of tolerance.
But in the end I decided that if people in general can piss me off so regularly, it's gonna be quite bad for my health and mental welfare. So I'll just try to let go as much as I can and focus on
MY READINGS
MY READINGS
MY READINGS
Read a post from a classmate on facebook, about his unusual taxi ride. Anyway, what hit me most was that the cab driver told him-- ;do you really want to be a lawyer and put in all those hours working at the office? Your parents will grow older.'
Sigh. Do I really want to? Uni life is already sapping away lots of my family time, and if I become a lawyer it's just gonna get worse.
What if... I just take the bar exam after I graduate
and leave the law profession?
(Okay, just a wild thought, I'm sure there are other options)

This blogpost waste time only lah I shall go sleep. -.-

So I woke up at 9 am today.

还记得年少的我有多么天真，多么目中无人，多么幼稚.

But of course I'm still young, so I'm still somewhat of those things. 

Okay I was just reading and I started reminiscing about the past 2 semesters.

wednesday thursday friday rehearsal
saturday outing. hopefully i'll leave earlier
EVERYDAY I'LL WAKE UP AT 6 AM TO DO READINGS
EVERYDAY I'LL WAKE UP AT 6 AM TO DO READINGS
EVERYDAY I'LL WAKE UP AT 6 AM TO DO READINGS
EVERYDAY I'LL WAKE UP AT 6 AM TO DO READINGS
EVERYDAY I'LL WAKE UP AT 6 AM TO DO READINGS
EVERYDAY I'LL WAKE UP AT 6 AM TO DO READINGS

Asked myself a few times tonight whether I made the right choice in studying law. Bleh. Shrugs. I'll never know the answer to that question. Then I remembered an article I saw on facebook that day-- it went something like 'don't bother finding the right decision, make the decision right for yourself instead'. Alright then. Work in progress.

Met a classmate today who chatted with me about my summer and life in school and cca and whether she should join one. She broke in halfway and said: 'You look very happy, I'm happy for you!' Interesting. Interesting to realize what actually makes me smile.

So on that more cheerful note I'll continue reading again.
Siao leh got so many chapters to read then only 2.5 more days to myself at home. the rest of the days used up for rehearsals. maybe i should wake up early at 6 am. Siao liao.

(Somehow I think english can't portray my angst, so I switched to singlish)

Oh shit.

That moment when I discover someone I know I'll always respect. (Although I don't even know that person.) And who at the same time makes me feel rather small and empty, because what else am I but an aimless child wandering the earth? I don't seek to change the world, I only seek to survive and protect myself and the few things I treasure.
So I really applaud those who have the guts to reach out to people and try to create some positive change in the world on a large scale. I don't believe that I can create a positive change. Oh no, that sounds really depressing for a young person like me to say.  Okay, maybe not yet, when I don't know what I wanna change yet. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm doing what I'm doing.
I read a status on confessions today about how smu students should stop being so fixated on their gpa, and focus on learning the value of the courses we take. Yeah I guess. In year 1 sem 1 I was more into the learning itself and really loving it. Now I'm just an insecure student worrying about her gpa. Now that I've realised it, it feels like I've been caught in a trap all along. Gotta get out of it.
Feeling so restless right now. Had vague temptations to hurl the objects in my hands against the wall a few times today. Don't worry, I think it's just the inactivity-- all the sitting and the slouching on the couch. Need to get out of the house.

ANOTHER THING. In my notes: "...John Dewey's observation that irritation is the starting point of thought as well as the first sign of life." Maybe that's why I sometimes feel irritated when doing my readings.

Gonna sound really childish now...
But last night I had a dream in which I forgot to pay my school fees, and somehow I got confused about whether it was in Korean won or in Sing dollars. But anyway I didn't have enough money in my wallet so I ran to the ATM to get some money, but the ATM was really far, so I ran, but I couldn't run fast enough cos some strange wind was pushing me back... anyway I got to the ATM which had a queue, so I ran to the next nearest ATM BUT couldn't find it, so I ran back to the first one. And got the money. And then forgot how much the school fees were and felt pissed.

Guess this is my mind signalling to me discreetly that I should get myself to study.

Grown-up self to childish self: stop whining it's not such a big deal just open the documents and start reading.

Something nice to listen to. But it can't get rid of all that unease in my heart now.


I'm such a kid. All this whining.
>:(

I think... I've always known how to get away from people.
But I've never learnt how to live with myself.

By the way I felt a rush of excitement just now when I thought about our convoc performance attire, and what I could do with it. Haha. :D

Also it's high time to start opening those books.

School is starting soon, in 1.5 weeks time. Checked out the readings list for a single module today, and it's insanely long. I feel so distant from everyone who's not in law school. They can never understand this. Okay, they could, but it's hard to. Suddenly everything comes crashing down on me: juggling readings and going for cca practices (which can get quite time wasting occasionally), and all the days last semester when I probed for the reason why I was still in samba, and all the times I was constantly highly-strung. Come to think of it I already felt distant from everyone last semester. I craved that chill time with friends a lot. Maybe too much. But friends cannot be neglected... And neither can my welfare. But I guess I should first get used to this distance I'm feeling between myself and everyone.
Hmm... Just two words to sum up: I'm nervous.
But I chose this lifestyle. And I didn't care if I was gonna be nervous or not when I chose it a year ago. So I guess I'm just over thinking things right now, as usual. Just some WISE decisions and action should take care of things.

Saw a Facebook status that day that bashed the attitudes of elitist people. Gist of it was that people who have the privilege to go to good schools and have time to dream of going to even better universities should not look down on other people who don't have the time or good fortune to have dreams like theirs.
Okay, legit.
But people should not be too quick to generalise. Whether or not a person is hateful doesn't depend on how privileged he is. I can think of people who are hateful regardless of how privileged they are.
Angst aside, I guess my point in saying all that is to remove myself from the battle and to tear away any labels that have stuck with me.
If I were more childish I would say: I hate people. But today I know better. It's just human nature: we all secretly dislike certain people but are forced by circumstance to see them or work with them. I guess today I would say, I'm tired and I need some time away from people.
And I did today. I visited a basement studio with my friends and played the piano with them. Okay, they are people. But they are nice people.
不埋怨别人，只觉得自己以前太依赖别人，太相信别人的好了。