I feel like I'm waking up from a deep deep sleep, cos my brain is slightly foggy. Probably had something to do with the fact that I slept 10 hours last night. 80) But what I said is more figurative than literal.

So here's some out-of-the-world music. Which makes me feel quite at peace with things.

I think people who love winning are obnoxious. And people who think that they are better than others, for whatever reason, are no better as well. These are people who believe in organizing others in an artificial hierarchy, and that sucks, because that's such a narrow-minded way to perceive the world.

“Only I keep wishing I could think of a way to . . . to show the Capitol they don't own me. That I'm more than just a piece in their Games.” -The Hunger Games.

Today I had a thought. I see myself and all the people around me as fodder for capitalism, or whatever world order you subscribe to. We are trained for 4 years so we can be of value to corporations, to make their business plans, to do their paper work, to make money, more money and more money. Without us as a whole the economy crashes. So we are fed to the system.

I don't want to be a slave to this money-making machine.

I don't want to turn into a creature dominated by hatred, fear and greed. Hatred of other people. Fear of failure. Greed for more recognition, more money.

I want to lead a fulfilling life. I want to see the value of what I'm learning and enjoy it. Sometimes I know I enjoy it. But to truly do that I need to reconcile my enjoyment with my contempt for the general population.

It's like how Frodo the ringbearer feels. He hides the ring in his shirt but it slowly takes over him as he approaches Mount Doom.
Likewise, all of us are Frodos and we all harbour hatred/fear/greed in our heart where it is not displayed to the public. We shouldn't let it consume us.

I've been seething all weekend and today at the general population. For being fake. For stoking their own ego. For putting others down. For being selfish. The list could go on, but this is an apt summary and it's enough to make a fire rise up within me. But no I shan't let this linger in me for too long. After all I need to be my own person without all this contempt. I need to love other things in life. Things, and surprisingly certain people, that are much more worthy of my contemplation.

Typical day...
FA over, take lunch. Open up notes for CLS. Read the first item. Feels a mini-explosion in brain. Or mini-fracture. Hmm. I think it might have happened in the front of my brain.
Shakes head to clear brain. Frowns. Continues reading.

Been having a fever the whole weekend. But this isn't helping. This is making my temperature go right up. *overheats* *happiness*

selfish bastards.
selfish bastards who do and say things to stoke their ego.
selfish bastards don't deserve anything at all.
they only deserve to be ignored like they don't exist
indifference hurts, hatred doesn't hurt.

if selfishness is what this world operates on,
then i will be selfish too.
except to those undeserving of my selfishness.
these people will get my love, gratitude, affection, whatever.

and if you are reading this you are definitely NOT a selfish bastard.

just watch him swing the light bulb and dance with it...
i wanna get a light bulb and dance with it too lol



there's some halloween party next friday but i'm not going. slight tinge of regret cos our juniors are actually fun people (well.. yes, unlike my batch) and they are having fun discussing what to dress up as. i'm not going because i foresee lots of work.
(and even if i'm super efficient and finish up my work... i'd find it nice to slack at home)

#emokid

the world is full of selfish bastards
and i'll pick my way through the world
like i'm walking through a rubbish dump
i'm not saying i'm better. i'm not saying i'm untainted.
but i don't give a hoot about how i'm perceived by bits of scum
occasionally though, I see a crystal amidst all the scum of humankind.
just occasionally. these are the ones to treasure.

seriously, if you think about it, wars are caused by bastards thinking they are better, or bastards thinking they deserve more than other people. think of it. think of your history lessons. which war wasn't started by selfish bastards?
the world would be a much better place if all these people were. just. obliterated.
shit, i feel so drained.
i just wanna go hide in a cave for the whole day today.

and besides selfish bastards, the world is filled with vain people who love publicizing their lives on social media. once or twice is okay. yolo. people deserve to be proud. but all the time? go get your brains examined. i just feel like i'm living in a fake world, and lots of people are dripping with falseness.

i think i just discovered a bottomless pit filled with all my angst, bitterness and whatever. accumulated over the weeks, repressed in my heart of hearts. i just need some time to find the bottom of that pit. and i'll feel better.

I feel infinite.
Like how the dude in perks of being a wallflower felt. While he and his friends were driving through a tunnel with David Bowie's song blaring from the radio.
It's a peculiar feeling.
Today was a day of unpleasant adventures. My limbs are soft from percussing for 6 hours. I have a hefty workload planned ahead.
So feeling infinite is a mix of these things? Interesting.


Felt really pissed today too. You can tell how much empathy a person has in a second.
You are obviously in a rush to meet sbd
And you tell that sbd
OMG, I just lost my matric card AND ezlink card. AND I haven't eaten lunch (at 3.30 pm)
And then their response is 'Huh. Okay.'
In this fake time that suggests you're a huge retard.

wtf I guess the reason I feel pissed is cos I always thought that person was fairly friendly with me.
wtf you.
Okay so I guess feeling infinite is having a healthy pulse of anger in you.
This French lady in a movie I watched once said anger is a sign of life. She likes it when her daughters get angry.

My insides seem to be frozen when I'm doing work. Sometimes.
I need to relax.
I can totally feel the difference. When I'm at cca I kind of feel my insides unfreeze.
My friend at cca asked me about what research paper I was doing and I felt my insides cramp up.
There is something I'm feeling! Just not sure what.
I just know there's two different sides to me.
One cramped up and one relaxed.

my kind of head-banging music after cramming lobo cls fa and prop in 1.5 days wooooooooo



*refrains from cursing*

doing prop readings
and realizing that there's so much more left to understand
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
f
roarhhh

F IS FOR FAITH WHAT WERE YOU THINKING

damn super freaking bored
even though there's deadlines and everything
but still.
-______-
and i'm feeling sick of almost everyone
i need to teleport to someplace and be by myself totally
roar
happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

something to salvage the day:


thank goodness for music

next time maybe i'll buy a car and on damnsuperfreakingbored days like this i'll drive out to somewhere really far like katong and treat myself to laksa or some cake from the hipster cafes there
and buy back some for my family
or my family can sit in my car and join me

and in my car i'll have an ipod and a speaker and i'll play indie music like that

wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

guess i need some winding down time.
because despite my new blog title i dont feel like doing work now.
friend recommended me some indie music

sounds like my kind of music cos somebody in the band is playing the cello
roar
stay strong

how do people have morning lessons everyday?
i slept 4 hours last night and now i'm feeling wonky and i don't know how to edit/refine my research paper even though it feels like it's quite substandard
asked prof today about how much we should not cite ... he said he can't tell me exactly how much but told me not to be too hung up about it
honestly he's a nice guy who bothers to come up to us individually and ask us how we are (that's why i even asked him that question in the first place)
but anyway point is arghwafflebrained

stay strong
stay determined
stay disciplined

feeling quite fossilized and crappy after an entire day of doing my research paper and i'm still not done!
i can't shake the feeling that there's so much more to learn in law and yet there's such a vast world outside of law.
so i'm just a tiny speck right here.
bluntly put, i feel really stupid
and i saw the catching fire trailer and felt this twinge of sadness in me i wonder why (no, nothing to do with the fact that i'll be so busy when the movie is released)
well, it is a sad movie
i feel really stupid



tonight will be a late night
bright side is i think my research paper topic is kinda interesting
and i can't say i'm not learning anything

as always, sleep engulfs me.
BAH
okay but i will still try to finish my work
\triestoforgiveself (which is not hard actually) :P

Okay Marsha.
Earth-shaking realization.
I. Am. Not. Working. Hard. Enough.
Yes. Despite the fact that I feel like I am.
But I am not.
It is not enough.
I'm always 1 or 2 steps behind in class nowadays.
I should stop being satisfied with my half-baked understanding of things. I need to do better than that.
I should stop doing my research paper excessively. Yes, finish it, and do it well, but don't drag. Don't give up doing your readings for next week.
Urrrrrrrrrrgh
no slacking
godspeed!
I have not been working hard enough!
stop sleeping 8-9 hours a day for goodness' sake. :((((((((((((((((((((
6-7 hours is good enough!

feeling like i can't ever keep up. sigh.
i need to wake up.

WORK HARD. 6 MORE WEEKS TO FINALS. And if you were to ask me a property law question now I'd be like wtfbbqwhatdidyoujustsay and this is bad cos property law is 1.5 units but i have not been revising my other 1 unit modules also gahhh 
Motto: wake up at 6.30 everyday, sleep at 11.30-12 at night. EVEN IF I HAVE 3.30PM LESSONS. YES. (except weekends) YEAH BABY. YOU'VE SLEPT ENOUGH. YES. Afternoon naps restricted to half an hour. SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

Recently my friend showed me a quote that a graduated student had apparently written carefully on a board in a room in our school. You probably have seen it and the quote says: "I believed in studying just because I know education was a privilege. It was the discipline of studying that taught me the habit of dong something I did not like to do.

And finish it."

Fascinating quote. I guess I whole-heartedly agree with it. After 1.5 years in law, I have gathered that I do not wholly like studying law. There are certain bits that I enjoy. But sometimes I find it overly technical and if I were the judge I would just say something like, grow up and settle it yourselves lah, just compromise a bit, don't waste my time. That's my view some of the time but maybe it's because I'm taking some things for granted. Hmm. After all there are times when I feel that the party really suffered an injustice and I'm like D:<

But is there anything we can truly like doing? Even something I really like-- my CCA-- has things that I don't like about it. 

So yeah, just move on and keep the end in mind. It's a privilege, and privileges do not fall from the sky coated in sugar or dripping in chocolate.

Was typing this outside subway and having lunch when some cca people came along and decided to eat subway with me. Felt vaguely nice. We're not that close but we're friendly enough to sit together for a meal even though I was being a loner and doing my work outside subway.

I find it really hard to make friends now but I find that acquaintances are a constant in my life. Not acquaintances from cca but also from law. I don't belong to any clique but I guess it's a natural thing for people to have cliques and I shall stop feeling excluded in school. I'm just myself and by myself.

watched my favourite drama on channel 8 again that features ruco chan, my current tv crush ^_^ haha.
but i caught something really interesting in the show-- a reference to a certain guy with multiple personality disorder, and the cool/disturbing fact is, this guy had 24 personalities. WOW. just mindblown.
if you like, you can click HERE for an article about this person.

just makes me wonder about myself. i'm sure for most people, not all our thoughts are uniform. we have conflicting voices sometimes right? like when you can't decide, you have many opinions on whether you should proceed or not. and we don't treat people the same way every day, do we? sometimes we wake up and we just find that irritating person... well, not so irritating anymore, maybe. maybe the whole world is schizo, it's just a matter of degree. and whether it manifests.

wow. :O

I might have mentioned something about an overseas trip for my cca to you...

but I might have neglected to say that they hold auditions for it. the trip takes place next june so auditions would probably be next year. so no need to worry about it this term yet. 

Anyway I was half-hoping they would change their minds about the audition but I don't think they did because they sent out an email informing us (albeit in a friendly way) that they would hold auditions for the trip.

I intended to join this thing for fun... but it seems like to get more fun out of it there must be some competition. Sigh. Just when I want to get away from competition, up pops more competition.  

From another view it might actually be a good thing if I don't get through the auditions so I can skip more pracs and then I'd have more time to myself and to my studies 

Meh.

I guess it would turn out well both ways. Each result would be different, but both results are good... in their own ways.

wish they had stuck to the old plan though. the old plan involved a different country, and i think everyone got to go for the trip because of... easier planning and more resources. so they have never held auditions. until this year.

WHY. :( sianballz. all the feelings that will arise... and i have to deal with them. you know what feelings right? i'm sure all of us are all too familiar with the myriad of feelings that arise with the thought of competing. much. too. familiar.

i think i might be being a bit too emotional here. after all, this is part and parcel of life. HASHTAG. and there's more competition awaiting me in the future so why am i whining now.
and well, if anyone should be complaining, it should be the juniors who just joined. cos they just joined and now *bam* they are faced with the prospect of auditions. before they've even started to really have fun.

Never knew accounting tested so much of my brainpower and willpower. I can feel every one of my brain cells sighing and screaming in exasperation.
I'm really glad my JC self knew not to put accounting as any of my course options.
I was probably scared away by JC math.
oh gosh

those who cling on tightly

are those who, deep down, know they are going to lose something

tightly they cling on

but that doesn't stop them from losing what they were meant to lose at the start

the only people worth clinging on to are those that have stayed by your side, even with lapses of effort on your part 

stop peeking at what i'm typing brother

Oh my gosh musical geniuses!

I love them.
Really.
Here's more of them and they are being really cute.

In an alternate universe I would marry one of them. But alas we know that dreams and reality do not match and so I will go about my life carrying this dream within my heart.
Listening to them makes me feel like there's so much more to life and its wonders, and I feel like I'm dancing and skipping in a field with sunflowers and dandelions and whatever flower imaginable.
When I have a child next time I will put him or her through cello classes and hopefully he/she likes the cello and can play it to me.
Okay actually, when I'm rich enough next time, why don't I buy a cello for myself and get a teacher to teach me to play it.
Looks really tough though, all those strings.
But when I watch them play, I can see that the technicalities of playing the cellos are not problems to them anymore; they just use it as a way to express whatever deep feelings they are feeling.
Wow, that is cello nirvana.
Maybe my money could be better spent just watching cello concerts. 2cello concerts, specifically. Or the PianoGuys.
There is so much more to life. 
Life is a vast expanse of grasses and waters... and I'm just a little phytoplankton/blade of grass dancing merrily along to my favourite song

Really feels damn good to just be alone all day, and when my mum comes home in the evening to pamper me with dinner, it feels great as well.
And now I'm alone again with no noise around me but my headphones playing into my ears some strange form of music I've discovered on youtube/soundcloud recently-- probably called nu-disco.
On a strict diet now (wisdom teeth extracted), which I think helps me concentrate because I can't pop by the kitchen every 20 minutes looking for something to eat.
People have been whining about how recess week is worse than normal school weeks because of all the meetings and probably camps... But I think it's way better. There's still lots of work, yeah, but it feels more like a holiday being able to do it at home than having to camp in school doing it.
Think I'm just going to not go for camp tomorrow-- weaning myself off painkillers tomorrow so it might hurt + it's still swollen. I look like I'm storing food in my mouth, like a hamster, because of my two rather swollen cheeks. Kinda cute. Haha.
I've been having this thought in my head for a few days now... I really like my family. :3

Do you ever get this feeling of wanting to just live out your life's plan in a jiffy, say in a day or two? Sometimes I feel like I can't wait to see what I'll be doing 5 years later, or 10 years later, and the present day is not yielding any answers. It's quite a 'meh' feeling.
So I try to do this thing, called 'sitting in' on life. I learnt it from samba, where my friend explained to me to just 'sit in the rhythm' so I wouldn't keep anticipating the next beat and playing out of time.
Good advice, I think.
Just sit in.

So. An idea of the strange new music that I've started to like! Try not to get distracted by the vid... it's just a picture after all,

The Fault in Our Stars is a really touching book. This book, together with other books and other thoughts, will sit in my heart of hearts and I'll remember forever what they mean to me and I will live by these thoughts.
And I say heart of hearts because I will never share these thoughts, much like how the protagonist in the story opined that 'her thoughts are her thoughts'.

Right so I should really get a move on my research paper, even though I've been telling myself this for the past 1 or 2 days.
And not get distracted by Tumblr or Pinterest or whatever.

Sometimes I feel like life is moving too quickly, and I'm getting lost in all the moments it's creating. There are so many moments that sometimes I get confused as to which ones I want to treasure. Worse, sometimes I don't even know whether I am treasuring any moments.

And right now, during this break week, I feel like I'm half-asleep and dreaming, and with each passing day I feel a tiny bit more worried about why I haven't started my research paper (or any serious work, really). It's like that feeling I get when I'm napping and I'm trying to get up but I'm too deep in my sleep, and then my heart starts hammering at my ribcage and I get up because of the din it's making.

I realize all this sounds a bit depressive, but rest assured; I'm generally quite a happy person right now, with the added characteristic of being an existentialist young adult.
I think I'm starting to sound narcissistic.
Okay bye then before I damage my reputation!

Who am I and what do I love?
What should I love?
Since when did 'should' come into the picture?
But is there a difference between 'what is' and 'what should be' anyway?
It's great pondering over silly questions at 2.30 am at night while it's raining outside.
I haven't done nice things like this in a long while.
Sometimes what I love and what is good for me aren't always the same.
I'm forever in a dilemma between the two.
And I end up standing in the middle ground
Expressionless, emotionless
And all the emotions come flowing back to me on rainy nights like this.
I don't have an answer
But life sustains itself on questions and not answers anyway.

I feel more human now :) started reading the fault in our stars, went shopping with mum.
What I've learnt in law school:
1. studying for exams helps but even so you're only halfway there cos the exam is a creature separate from studying that you can't prepare for
2. there's always something you don't know (okay, a lot of things)
3. it's really hard to make friends (although of course i have a few)
4. how to free myself from the burdens that i've carried. this one is really hard to describe
5. growing up

I feel really tired, but happier than I've generally been, and I feel like I'm in a position where I'm letting go of (almost) all the grudges I've been holding. Because really, if I want to 'criminalize' other people's behaviours, I should be 'criminalizing' myself too, if I applied the same standards to myself. It would be horrible if everyone did the same thing; the world would be horrible. I know I was once so naive and pampered, and then I tried to overcompensate, and now I guess I'm kind of in middle ground. And people seem (genuinely) happy when they sense you are getting a little friendlier. Well, of course.
It's not like I go skipping around though.
And at the same time -- I don't think there's a causal relationship though-- I feel like I'm making an effort to stop restraining myself, and stop stressing myself out (and I think the effort is succeeding), and I currently feel freer and more relaxed.
And today marks the start of recess week; that's probably why I feel freer.

Our TA in an email:
"if you haven't started on your research paper, I really think that you should."
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

by the way, to my family who secretly reads my blog-- it's really okay if you tell me so, in passing mention for example. i don't mind. haha. i get the feeling you are hiding this fact from me. and i'm sniggering slightly at this. hehehehe.

OMG
BYE
I'M GONNA STUDY

I won't stop when I'm tired
I STOP WHEN I'M DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!