This is going to be a post about how I realized that I'm probably still quite a spoilt child. And I think I will sound like a 10-year-old kid. So... if you've always thought I was a mature person (it's an image I've always tried to portray), you were wrong...
I asked my mum if I could go to a sleepover, which was actually organized very last minute at about 9 pm. She stopped me from going and I spent the next few minutes sulking about it. Reasons for not letting me go: it was too late, I would be travelling alone, and I just saw the same bunch of people in the afternoon, so travelling at night just to meet them again was a stupid idea to her.
But it was a sleepover with newly-made friends! So I was very sore about not going. And the idea of my friends having fun without me was heart-wrenching. (I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.) After sulking and pondering for a while I decided to yield to authority and motherly concern, and stay at home.
What really makes me guilty is how I was sulking right in front of my mum (because I was recording some songs from Youtube for her, and so she was sitting next to me), and how I realized she started sulking with me too. Another thing that makes me guilty is that I haven't been spending much time with her.
Moral of the story:
... Live in moderation; I don't need to spend so much time with friends.
And plan your activities in advance to prevent disappointment!

As a side note: I really treat this blog as a place for emotional diarrhea-- when I feel upset, confused, angry, and so on, I will write uncomfortable truths here. So reading this blog is like understanding a totally different person from who I am in social settings. It might be odd.

Sigh feeling bored is one thing, but feeling bored and restless is a totally different level of torture. Everyone is busy!

Why am I so free?!

Grr frustrated.

If you ever feel the same way as I do you can spam me because I understand that feeling. It feels like I'm on an island and everyone is a speedboat whizzing past my island.

Even the person who supposedly said she has a job for me is ignoring me! 

Actually, that's a blessing in disguise because it means I can slack more.

But I have nothing to slack with. (not now)

I would watch dramas like Glee and Sherlock Holmes (?) but I think it's a waste of time downloading them. 

Okay meaningless monologue here bye.

They are the pinnacle of cool.

My mum says I haven't understood the value of money, because when I get my angbaos I don't count the money inside them. My angbaos are still sitting in my bag, unwrapped. But I'm still very glad when I receive the angbaos (I'm just too lazy to open them.) Angbaos are the only reason I don't view visiting as a chore, because when I visit relatives there is absolutely nothing to do, except for the occasional conversations with older relatives. The younger ones just play among themselves and the teenagers (me included) are too shy/awkward to say anything to each other. Something is wrong with my distant nephew because no matter how big my smile is or how gentle my "hello!" is, he stares at me with huge fearful eyes. I know I don't just look scary because he looks at other relatives like that too. My distant niece is almost two years old and she is adorable, because she can be carried by almost anyone and she smiles at almost anyone. I carried her once, but the second time I tried to do that, she squirmed around in my lap and I had to return her to her mum. 

So this sums up my CNY experience with relatives!

If there's one thing I regretted last time, it is not going for OCIP. But it wasn't the act of giving that I felt I had missed out on. There are two sides to volunteer work. One is charity and the other is gaining personal experience/making friends/touring a new country, and this side is what I felt I had missed out on. But not anymore. After thinking about it I feel like OCIP is just two great concepts mixed into one package, and for some it is another thing to list down on their resumes.

But who said OCIP isn't fun? I am definitely going to go for OCIP in university, if I hear of it then. Of course, I would not think of myself as doing something great, because real volunteering involves long term sacrifices. 

I was eating at this shop when this song started playing, and my friends all agreed it was a nice song. I couldn't hear the lyrics but somehow the tune made me feel sad. It made me feel like I had lost something dear. It's a bit odd because I rarely feel sad when I have company.

And after reading the lyrics I can't agree more that it's a sad song. I'm going to find more of his songs to listen to!
That day somebody was giving the guys lots of advice about NS, and one of them was to not stand out. "For example, you don't want to have Lee C.B. as the name on your uniform. So choose your name tag carefully." It was very interesting to listen to even though it didn't concern me at all. To me, it makes NS sound like a great adventure and now I half want to be a guy too. But I am not, and I don't have to serve the army, so the next big adventure for me is university. Honestly, I can't wait to make new friends.

Meanwhile, I'm waiting for people to reply to me about my job applications. I haven't decided on anything else, such as which university I'm going to or what course I'll take. But I think it is best for things to stay this way. I think I'll get disappointed less easily if I don't have anything set in a plan.

This brings me to how I've been trying to think of my passion. If you had asked me this question while I was still studying, I might have said Biology or something related to KI. But now that I'm out of school I think my life's passion is just to be able to talk to my friends and make new ones too. Studying seems like a hobby now; it's just something that can fill up the rest of your time so you won't get too bored.

By the way, it's ridiculous to have your fate (at least in university) summed up in a few grades. After listening to stories of good students getting, well, non-A grades in their O levels and A levels, you feel that exams aren't that accurate and that it has loopholes that have existed ever since they were invented. So why are university admissions based so much on our A level results T.T

That somebody also said, "After being confined for 2 weeks, even the auntie mopping the floor looks good." Of course, you know who he was referring to!

Help.
Whatever I do these days seems to have originated from other people's ideas. I don't seem to have my own ideas.
I think sometimes I take the "anything goes" attitude, and I just go with any current I get caught up in. Because usually what matters most to me is the company I'm in. So life is just a huge wok of rojak. I don't cook up my own exotic dish; it's not about creating my identity... I just take any interesting ingredient and throw it in. Rojak is delicious. (but it's black and messy?)

Now I'm just confused, and I know it because sometimes different people ask me the same questions but I give them different answers. Or I don't know how to answer and I just cook something up.
I feel like I'm standing in the middle of swirling autumn leaves.
It's not a good or bad feeling.

It's time to sit down and shut down all other voices, and find my own voice that got lost in the leaves. I think I've been lost for too long... But when you're lost, don't you ask for directions? And if you ask for directions, don't you follow them? This is just full of contradiction.

There's something that has been getting on my nerves. I can't stand people who stare at their phones when they are supposed to be talking with other people around them. It seems like a lot of communication that people do takes place online or is about something you see online. Isn't there something else besides that thing on the screen which is worthy of conversation? The handphone is an unhealthy mode of escapism. You're too lazy to think of a topic to share with the people around you, and so you take out your phone to make it seem like you're busy. I feel like too much time spent on the phone damages my mental faculties. If I what's-app people for too long I think my language will be reduced to "lol", "eh", "why", "donno", and my language will become highly truncated singlish to save myself the trouble of typing on a small touch keypad. Do this for too long and I feel like a zombie.

I'm supposed to do some work now
but I'm listening to this song and it's squeezing out all work-related stuff in my head

I am thinking that it is time to share a quote which inspired me last time, and I hope it will inspire you too. :)
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. 
(Theodore Roosevelt)

Okay here is an attempt to remember what ambitions I had last time.
My first interest was in the social sciences. That was in lower secondary.
Then I went to JC and decided that biology and business was an interesting shot because I could sell my inventions. But I still thought that social sciences was interesting, I just didn't know if I should try it out, because everyone told me social sciences are for losers. (really sorry if you like it like I do, I'm just recounting here)
Then I left JC and started thinking about medicine. But I really haven't felt that exciting spark in my mind with medicine, like I have with the previous two. It's great to make somebody's health improve. But... I don't know. Maybe I don't want to help in that way?
I considered law. I think the underlying principles of law are interesting, because law is a social science. But isn't law about reading reams and reams of sections, subsections, and paragraphs? D:

Nowadays I question myself, why not? Following a dogma and having reservations was what I did in the past. But not today! Not anymore! I will defy gravity! (as the song goes)
Tonight, we are young.
Why didn't I realize this earlier? Why did I let all those opportunities pass me by? Why did I not have the courage to fulfill my own dreams in my own way? I'm older now than I have ever been before and time is slipping away.
For a wild moment back then, I wished that there hadn't been such a thing as school. But then I wouldn't have met all these wonderful people I know now.

Today I asked two people how they knew they wanted to study medicine. One of them said, "Must ask how one meh? Just like that..." And the other thought for really long (about 7 or 8 seconds) and finally said "It's not like I went down a list and picked it. I just knew..."
When did you know, I probed.
"Since upper secondary," they both said.
I really wonder how this works. I have never felt like I had an ambition before.
Or have I had a lot of dreams, but suppressed them for fear of failure?
Now it just feels like my whole schooling life has been meaningless.
What's the point of sprinting without a finishing line? It just tires you out while you're at it. And when you finally get the chance to lie down and rest, you feel lost.
I've been living life the wrong way. I'd rather be in an average school and have an ambition than be in a good school and not have any idea what I'm working towards.

Sorry I'm in an emo moment I need to have some me time. If you (anyone at all) feel the same way as I do or have anything to say to me, please do, I'll appreciate it very much, and I will know I'm not having a monologue on this bunch of pixels.

Not the first time I've myself this question,  but today I asked it again: what is the point of gep? It's great to help someone to learn, but is there some way to do it without labelling them?
But I don't really care now, I'm out of school already!
Tired.

Any doubt or regret that I have seems to vanish when I listen to this song. And then I feel alright again. :)


Anyway I guess life is full of lost opportunities and unfortunate circumstances, but what matters most is we throw them aside and live it as if we have never known what "lost opportunities" and "unfortunate circumstances" mean.
Today was another normal day, but we met an optometrist who was very chatty and talked with us in his clinic!   :) I know the optometrist from last year. People like this make the world go round. They take time off to talk to almost total strangers (just because we're students). It was a very cosy chat session. And we got to watch him test patients' eyesights, and scrutinize the patients ourselves (we just stared at them...).

Today we had a tea session, but what I wanted to say was that they let us watch steve jobs' speech at stanford as a form of inspiration for us young ones.
I've watched it before, but today when I watched it, I felt rather sad.
Okay I'm confused I shall not write anything until I've decided on things...
I wanna burrow in my pillow.

Today I did something unexpected. I went to the park to run!
- Applause please-
It was actually motivated by vanity. But what matters are actions. :)
Anyway after the run I was winded and I walked around a bit to find some air. They always say park walks are good for thinking, so I eventually started thinking. I asked myself what I wanted to be next time... And that must have been the 100th time I asked myself that question! But it didn't end up anywhere because I kept telling myself that a)I want to be happy and b) I don't want to lose myself (e.g. morally/ i don't want to end up being a stranger to myself). And I couldn't think of any job I wanted!
Maybe I should be asking myself what I want to do to the people around me. Or what I want to do to the natural/man-made environment...
Somehow typing is a chore to me now, when  it came to me naturally last time. o.o?
Here's a lovely, lovely song. His voice is too good to believe in. It's out of this world!


By the way I think people who are xenophobic are just being a tad biased. We complain about all the foreign talent that's swarming into our country. We feel out of place when we hear a different language or accent outside. But we listen to korean and japanese music and we squeal with delight when we hear somebody speaking korean nearby. (do you? but at least you feel intrigued by all the korean, right?)
For the past few weeks, I've been feeling a little bit annoyed at the many different accents I hear around me. But today at the park I heard a woman chattering away in korean behind me and I immediately felt interested in their words.
So I guess I'll stop feeling annoyed at all those different accents. It's their culture!
And if you're deciding on your future like I still am, go here: http://homeworktips.about.com/od/preparingforcollege/a/majors.htm
My result is: TEACHING? No.No.No.

You are a Social Personality Type!

Social people make great teachers! They are great with people because they are open and friendly, and they care about others. They are cooperative, which makes them good in many programs and careers.

They may always be in the center of activity and they are likely to have lots of friends. They are interested in social issues, and they are likely to become politically active. They may use social skills to influence others.

Possible degree programs: Teaching, Ministry, Coaching, Counseling, Nursing, Political Science, Sociology, Anthropology, History, Journalism, Psychology.

TEACHING? No.No.No.

Today I'll recount interesting and pleasant stories of my day.
I was slacking (as usual) at NUH today, and I was looking at pictures of The Hobbit at my desk. A guy (don't know who, someone who works there) walked past and asked, "Is that the hobbit?" I told him yes. He asked when the movie would be coming out, and I told him that it would come out at the end of this year. Great, he said. Wow, it's nice to know there are Hobbit lovers out there! I would have talked more with him, or given him a high-five, but he went back to work.
After 'work' I went to buy dinner for the whole family. The rice cost $8.10, but the guy at the stall knocked off 10 cents. 10 cents isn't much, and you can't buy anything with 10 cents nowadays, but it was the gesture that made the rest of my day! Then after that he wished me a happy new year. This is what I call great service-- great service is not work, but being genuinely friendly to anyone who buys from your stall.

Right now I'm listening to beautiful songs in Wicked: listening to voices which are not auto-tuned!

-Standing on a crowded bus-
-Holding a number of bags-
-Phone vibrates-
(thinks to self): Who can that be? Should I look at my phone? But it's such a bother! But who is that?
- Squeezes things into one hand and takes out phone-
-Bus suddenly starts moving-
ARGH.
- Grabs pole with one spare finger-

Anyway, it's 2012, and I'm feeling very peaceful and free from a lot of work. Here are my resolutions that I thought up a few days back:
1) Get out and live life like a young person.
2) Be more gracious to others.
3) Love myself more.
(1) is subjective. But by young person, I guess I mean get out and do something useful, and not be afraid to try new things. Right now I read books and watch TV at home if I'm not 'working'. That's not really fulfilling my resolution, but... at least I'm 'working'. (working is in inverted commas because I work without pay, at least until CNY! ><)
(2) is what I realized on the last day of 2011, that I can be a very defensive person. And I don't like that.
(3) My self-worth shouldn't come from flimsy pieces of paper.