This, readers and friends, is style, in its purest and most untainted form.

Maybe next time I'll find a way to be a calefare actor in Glee. Or any other musical drama.

When I sing in the shower, I always feel like I have this inner Christina Aguilera in me.

But that day when I sang in my room, the Voice of Reality who was sitting behind me said my voice was not nice to listen to.

The Voice is my mum. Zzz!

This is why I don't join choir and I haven't sang in a karaoke before.

Anyway I just collapsed (fell asleep) in front of the computer while typing out my IS. It sounded wise when I typed it out last time but now that I look at it again after a gazillion days of not touching it, it sounds like gibberish. Oh help me God of KI!

Apparently hobbits love to write and sing. That's the direct opposite of how I just described myself.

B(

Life is a stage.

Now's the time to retire backstage for a while, to be myself.

And also to prepare for the next act.

Okay, while I'm helping my mum with an errand...

I decided to do something that most closely resembled doing work, which is blogging.

I just feel so unmotivated this week. The last time I felt like this was... beginning of sec 4 I think. Life is wonderful, life is pretty, there are great people around me. But I just don't feel that great inside. Whenever I ask myself what I'm doing, I feel a heavy dreariness pulling my very being down...to the depths of goodness-knows-what.

However moods change and with the right music I find that my mind clears and I feel ready to go again. Kind of.

The time when I seriously felt driven this year was... end of term 1 I think. I especially remember my KI mentor giving us our first pep talk and I was quite blown away by it, and I set my sights on great distant mountains (but they were vague and misty like mountains naturally are). Now everything's just a horrible marshland. I almost feel like a Gollum.

Maybe now I'm feeling like this generally because I'm growing tunnel-visioned-- all I see and think of now is school, school work, school. I've forgotten about the world: Earth, the galaxy beyond. Northern Lights. The Milky Way. Neptune and Pluto.

^_^

Failure is an event, not a person. Don't make it happen.

Right, I have figured out the ingredients for a boring, uneventful life.

1. Worrying

2. Being shy

3. Slacking

I just described myself.

Anyway, today was quite a... fun day, relatively. I went for this talk by a practising doctor and researcher. I went because he is a researcher, cancer researcher I guess, since he's an oncologist. He's Dr Tan Min-Han. FYI. I've been quite interested in cancer research, and I believe (and still do) that it's a noble job... But as I learnt today, choosing a job is not just about wanting to be noble. Everyone wants to be noble, everyone wants to save the world. The other thing to consider is also if you are prepared to take the responsibilities and the sort of lifestyle that comes with it.

Then the talk ended. Saw people I knew but strode briskly away out of the sheer awkwardness of waving. Promptly regretted it because they are nice people and I'm sure everyone likes to be waved at. Promptly felt guilty. Also promptly thought that they must have not waved to me because they felt awkward too. Felt slightly amused. Made a mental note to wave to them if I ever saw them around again. Yeah. Then anyway I went for some band practice after that. Traipsed over to salt, dragging cheryl and ql with me. Hoho. Hahah at band I just sight read everything and followed whatever my juniors were playing. Played this Harry Potter theme song. It was nice.

Okay, sometimes a post detailing all the events and my thoughts for the day is really funny. :D Bye, I shall go make productive use of my time.

People with dreams are charming. They are fascinating. At least for me. They seem to have successfully separated themselves from the rigour and mundaneness of school; they dream of their future, their life, a life that completely belongs to them.

It is easy to spot someone like that. Just talk to them about it, under the right settings (like in certain workshops the school provides us with these few Saturdays). You can see them sit up straighter (most of them), but for everyone of them you can see a change in their expression. Their eyes smile, they grow wider. They seem to have thousands of things to say about their dream. Then after a minute or so some of them realize it and get shy and say, ah I don't know what else to say already! But their excitement has already been noticed.

To be brutally frank, I personally think there is a causal relationship between having a dream and doing well in school. But my main point is not doing well in school, although it might be really really important right now, but no, it's not the main point here!

I realize that I've been too worrisome, too uncertain of myself to stand up to myself proudly and say, that is what I want to be 10 years on. I have things I'm interested in, but most of the time it gets overshadowed by dark doubts like "I won't be good enough"/"And then I'll spend the rest of my life trying to fill those overly-idealistic shoes of my youth"/"So stop dreaming". I thought I was an optimistic person (some people told me so when I was about 10 years old or slightly more), but apparently not.

But I guess the point of making plans for your future is not to hope that you can out-perform other people and be the best in the field. I guess the point of it is to just do what you like and make the most enjoyment that you can, out of the meagre life you have been awarded. (yes, this is the conclusion of my post. The rest below just brings out a few extra thoughts.)

I read a quote somewhere yesterday. It went something like, "Find something you love, then get so good at it that they'll pay you for it." But I think, the paying is of secondary importance here. It's like the icing on the cake. The cake, I mean, the goal of my life, my pampered life, is to find something that would keep me sane and happy for the rest of my life. Many people find jobs that pay well so they don't have to worry about bread-and-butter issues. I guess many of these people have experienced poverty so they want to avoid it when they grow up. But I doubt that I have experienced poverty, so money is not the most important criteria for me. As long as I can live comfortably, it should be fine. With a little more patience at the job I might rise through the ranks and get a higher pay. And go for expensive holidays in Europe or something.

Yes, I would like to travel!

Now, a really nice Chinese song, made in Singapore (I think): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hy0zvLUDIdc&feature=related

It happens especially when people are too caught up with work, and they become vulnerable to little ripples of emotion and feel a nonsensical tugging at their heartstrings. They laugh at the slightest things, get emotional over the most trivial matters, and cannot forget the most mundane events of the day.

By the way I'm talking about myself okay.

Anyway I'm slightly devastated at the class I got put in for Saturday's workshop! I barely know the people in my class?!

Oh right, as I said sometime ago, it's always nice to make new friends. ><

Okay right I should go lose myself in some work.

Crap I feel like a total failure in terms of time management.

We had STJ yesterday! I kind of floated to yishun in this rather dreamy state of mind (it felt rather surreal going for a class thing oops) together with qianlin. And I sat beside theodora! (my band junior) Haha. Looking back now I'm pretty sure STJ would have been much less fun if I hadn't sat there-- there would have been a lot more stoning and trying to make small talk. So anyway I think the juniors are so much more outspoken (and hence, fun) than we are generally. They were the ones who initiated all the conversation and fun games at my table :X haha had a lot of fun laughing at/with them because we were playing truth or dare. And somehow all the questions were BGR related (e.g. describe your crush/what's your ideal partner like/who's the most good-looking guy etc.). FUNNY. I learnt secret(s) that day. ^^

Today was an interesting day because I went for this scholarship and interview workshop. It's really quite interesting (as mr nah had mentioned that day) to meet new people and talk with them. We got split into random groups of 3 and the 2 people I was with really left an impression on me. Not sure if I left an impression on them but heck that's not the point.

Meanwhile, here's a really happy song by Darren Criss. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VroukwS8N7A&feature=related

Also, please please please watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLexgOxsZu0 It's an ultra-cute and retarded video. Might be quite sick but never mind. I'm sure we're all mature enough. Cracks me up every time I watch it. :D

Right. So, the workshop today was quite helpful and it also set me thinking hard about what I want to study in university (as I've tried to think about many times before). The best decision I've reached today is to be a researcher and a freelance writer, at the same time. What kind of researcher? Maybe a bacteriologist/immunologist/cancer researcher, the kind where I get to study diseases and invent drugs to cure them. As for writing, freelance writers don't usually write the meatier stuff, like political events... but I guess I could write about science in general like Andy Ho (right?) from the straits times does.

I think being a researcher is what my left brain wants, and being a writer is what my right brain wants.

I feel sleepy.

And I just realized I haven't answered my question about university. Do I study biology or journalism? Hrmm. A matter for future contemplation. My brain doesn't want to think now.

Actually, I think it hasn't done some good thinking for quite a while. It's been festering away. It can really fester easily. I just have to sleep at 12.30 everyday and stone during lectures and tutorials. Then go home, O: freak out at amount of lectures and tutorials, do them and sleep at 12.30 again. Yep, recipe for festering brain.

Quote of the day: “Find something that you like so much that you’d do it for free, and then get so good at it, that they’ll pay you to do it."

It's not riding on other people's misery. It's not gloating. It's trying to put your own life into perspective, zooming out. Sometimes you get so caught up in your own misery and even feel like life is a huge waste of time. But think, just think about the number of people out there fighting for their passions, working for their families, helping their friends. The number of people with poorer living conditions as compared to yours but still living everyday with so much energy, so much happiness.

And then hang your head in shame.

Move out of the darkness.

Note: Okay I wasn't emo-ing for no reason kay. And don't call me a mope because this is my blog, my diary. I'm sure thousands of people out there emo worse than I do.

By the way, I think Chris Colfer is a huge inspiration. He's gay but. That's not the point. The point is he dares to be an "outcast", be out of the mainstream. He dares to go and act in a primetime show, and get famous, and let everyone know who he is. And he does a wonderful job of it. Look at his songs.

Crap I've lost all my mugger tendencies. Bad, bad sign. Especially when the rational side of me is trying to set goals.

Right, am I schizo?

I've been feeling tired for the whole of the past week and I don't have the same energy I had at the start of the year.

If I were omnipotent, I would create a time bank, and a happiness bank.

It's too hot for thinking.

The past week has been exciting... But I'm really too lazy to provide an account of everything since it has all passed. The past week felt like a normal life again. With a such a range of emotions that passed through my mind, I felt human again. Now it's just back to routine, back to business.

I'm not even thinking, I'm just thinking of the past week and letting memories and emotions wash over me in blurry images... I think all the writing I would have done in a cooler climate has evaporated in the heat already. And with time too.

Everything now seems so dreary and normal. I was suffering from a minor bout of depression yesterday, and I declared to my mum that life was meaningless and thus everything that I do is meaningless.

I suppose I was just throwing a mini-tantrum (at what, I don't know).

But anyway my mum took me out to clementi mall to get the free pair of spectacles that came with my brother's new spectacles. :) And we did a bit of shopping, where I binged on new highlighters, coloured pens, ring files and even this set of dinosaur foam stickers to stick somewhere in my room. :)

So after that I concluded that life wasn't meaningless. That was a life lesson on how to cheer a female up. My mum understands me. :)

And today is mother's day. I haven't actually done anything special for her and she said she doesn't need a present, I just have to listen to her the whole day today. Hmm. But don't I always listen to her? I think so? :D

I don't think the GRC system is good. It removes worthy ministers from parliament, because they became victims of the public's frustrations towards the PAP. I wish LTK had contested another GRC. (and won it too)

Oh, yes, one thing worthy of mention is that I went to an NSP rally near my house last Thursday. It was really exciting, I could feel the crowd's emotions. Cheering and all that. Chatter between strangers standing together in a muddy field. And crying too, when Nicole Seah came on stage. Nothing sarcastic about that. I'm glad that I went for the rally. I think NSP could have arranged their teams better.

It's back to the life of a JC student. It's back to keeping track of when the next test is and studying for it. It's back to finishing up homework on time and maybe even before it's due. It's back to probing myself and finding out what kind of results I really want to get for the next test. It's time to get myself back to work!

What a boring end to my post.

Here, to spice things up http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aeo86iOS0QU and to get you thinking about your own.

When you get to thinking about it, many people around us today have worked hard to get where they are today, and I admire them for it. And I'll be glad if I could achieve anything like theirs.

(I was actually thinking about MPs from the opposition party.)

Shoot, 3 pm already? Woke up at 11.30 am today. :/

Hi! This is yet another wonderful Glee song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhGWC4yq_Yg

He sings it really aptly.

So. Yes. I spent today being quite excited and having no mood to go through tutorials at all. And my excitement was combined with some anxiety when I realized that I was lagging behind in chem tutorial.

Then I became calmer when Band came...

But now I feel anxiety curling its fingers around my door again...

D: D:

As many people have told us, SYF might be an exam, but it's the experience that matters, I should just enjoy the music. Yeah. I shall calm myself down tomorrow with this.

And start playing with a purpose in mind. Everyone who succeeds starts out with a clear goal in mind, that's what I learnt from my mentor. KI.

And one thing I learnt from people who are good at acting, and I mean really acting on stage, not in real life, is that no matter how nervous we are, it is always possible for us to colonize our feelings and get into the role we're playing.

So tomorrow I'll colonize my nerves and feel the way I should when I'm playing Singapore Flyer and Gloriosa respectively. :]

This is an elegant song. Whenever I heard "I feel pretty" I'd think of this big-bearded Italian guy singing it, because of the scene from that movie... I forgot the name. But now I've discovered this song! :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTVW1QnsIqg&feature=related

Oh my I do need more discipline, really really do. I don't know how to answer to my mentor if I meet him along the corridors.

Anyway, I went for The Return of Reynish! I especially liked the Concerto for Violoncello and the Orchestra, because it was really cool the way the cellist Qin Li-wei played jazz on the cello, and it was also impressive the way the percussion guy handled all the percussion instruments by himself for the whole piece. The next piece, Farewell, was quite odd.

And I went to watch huangcheng today. Good acting. Quite a treat for my ears because I haven't heard a Chinese word in a very long time! But the ending was odd.

Oh yes, I have a new PINK laptop. :) Dark pink, almost red.

Don't doubt yourself, believe that you'll do it fine eventually. But work on it now! I'm just writing and erasing, writing and erasing, no wonder I cannot finish.