Just felt like slacking so here I am. Unwise but whatever.

It's like a breath of fresh air when I meet someone I don't usually talk to, maybe a work partner from a year ago, or any other acquaintance, and we talk with each other on the way home. The journey home today felt really short, my throat didn't feel itchy at all and I didn't check my phone the whole journey.

Of course, that someone was really chatty. And nice. :)

I think I've been boxed up too long in this world of school. All this work is stifling my senses, impeding my social skills so that I don't feel like talking to many people and just preserving my energy so I can last the day. But today I feel that I should make an effort to see beyond all this work. Stop being obsessed about work. Yes, finish my homework. Not because I have to but because I want to.

This is so preachy. But it's a self-help post for myself kay.

It's really nice making people around you feel like you care.

---- Here's a discovery. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsFxspiwHZA Wow! Only charming men sing charming songs. <3

Today is a happy day. It started off horribly, because I was feeling drowsy and my throat wasn't cooperating. But it got better. And I had fun because I've never actually blown a note so loud on the euphonium before! x)

And I actually enjoy it when our conductor addresses us, makes a speech or something. Today it was half an hour long. But it was engaging. It made me feel lucky to be able to learn how to play an instrument in such a supportive and friendly environment, with no nasty scolding conductors or seniors. Of course my playing is far from good yet, but people seem to be sure when they tell me, just go and practice. It seems like they feel that I will be able to do it and it's only a matter of practice. (within a week)

I would also like to watch this concert, The Return of Reynish by the Philharmonic Winds. But on the next day I'm going to watch HuangCheng and my mum is already worried about my frequent outings and how it's eating up my homework time. @@

Oh yeah today is a happy day partly because I got into TAG, even though my mum, my bro and I are pretty sure I screwed up the interview. O: lols. Still, good news!

And I also wouldn't like to graduate from HCBand so soon, it's only been a year if I really get down to counting the months! I feel like I haven't properly learnt the euphonium yet.

I've been considering what CCA to join in university, and I've thought of joining band, like NUS Band. But uhm... I shall go find out more information first.

Kk gotta stop babbling like a chicken and write my KI essay which is due tomorrow.

I get annoyed at double standards. It's not blatant, it just happens subtly.

Or maybe I get annoyed at myself for viewing myself in that particular light.

In any case, I was greatly cheered up after dinner today when White Chicks aired on Channel 5. :D And also happy about the fact that I sounded quite good while singing in the shower xD

I also felt quite motivated when mrleng told us to imagine things that have happened to us, while playing particular phrases, so that we will feel the right emotions and articulate these emotions out in our music. I tried to think of myself getting horrified while talking to a friend, because my words were getting misunderstood, while I was playing this rather alarming part in the song. But it didn't go well with me.

So, I imagined scenes from Lord of the Rings!! :D At that alarming part of the song, I imagined the Fellowship in Moria, running away from the Balrog. My, that worked really well. x) Yes, this is the point of the whole paragraph.

Following that, there was a really loud and menacing section, which I imagined to be the Fellowship fighting the army of Orcs and Uruk-hai, and shortly after that, Gandalf fighting the Balrog.

Then there was this anguished part of the song, which I imagined to be Frodo and his hobbit companions crying over Gandalf's apparent demise in his fight with the Balrog.

After the anguished part was the calm and collected bit, which I imagined to be Aragorn and Legolas comforting them and taking over the leading of the Fellowship.

And I got really glad because the LOTR scenes fitted exactly into the song, in chronological order. :D

But I didn't say all this to anyone, because I think it is rather irritating to have someone next to you go on about LOTR.

I should really train myself to shut my ears to other people's evaluations of myself and listen to my inner conscience, i.e. the inner angelic(huh.) voice that I find within myself.

Maybe I'm too distrustful of all the bureaucracy that I'll have to go through when I apply to study for a course at university. It's possible to strategize and think of the ways to ace an interview but sometimes the interviewer asks questions that hit a weak spot/raw nerve spot-on, i.e. questions you really don't know how to answer. And they go AHA and move on to the next person, and forget about your existence from then on.

So I dare not have hopes now, I'm just waiting till the last possible minute to see how good I fare at the end of it all and where I will stand in the sea of university applications.

(I told my brother about this rather disastrous interview I had that day and he advised me to learn from it and not be so...careless next time.)

Come to think of it this is really unhealthy, and it's being really weak-willed. I should just be courageous and probe myself, find out what I really like to study and focus my efforts on working towards it. And ignore all obstacles that I encounter after that. Actually, for now, this just means trying to get 4As for A levels (like Mrs Toh advised); it's a goal everyone is working towards. But I suppose it would motivate me much much more in working hard and doing my tutorials and studying etc., if I had such a purpose in mind. And it will also help me to focus in times when I'm juggling quite a few things already (not a lot, okay, but enough for my multi-tasking capacity and emotional range). I feel like I have the emotional range of a teaspoon. Familiar? :)

Or maybe I just have so many interests I haven't decided where to head.

I suppose it's a mix of both. :/ But I think it's an accurate distillation of what I really felt when Mrs Toh had the talk with me about my future plans.

I think I'm blogging like that and having such abstract thoughts and feelings because my brain has switched to KI mode and I'm thinking of abstract ideas and trying to write logically. I can't bear to word-count my IS because it's so dismally SHORT. And I have ONE WEEK to work on completing the first draft. Writing is really not as simple as I've always thought. Ugh.

I've also learnt to be humble when taking part in a group effort. Learn from others.

Rubbish

My brain has gone fuzzywuzzy, my willpower has gone to mush. I simply float with the tides and currents.

Somewhere inside my head I hear alarm bells ringing.

Pick yourself up! Pull yourself together!

How?

Get more rest?

How do I do that with no time to spare?

I glide past time like I sail past huge blocks of ice: glaciers. (they seem small but there's a huge chunk of ice under the water)

And soon I'll reach the end of the world and topple into the Milky Way.

The stars will shine on unblinkingly.

Last time I tried to describe myself using other people's definitions of excellence, etc. It's like clutching at straws and if I keep at it long enough, I end up losing myself like I did in sec 4 or so. Just saying.

Sigh. This post makes no sense.

So yes, today flew by with me doing a lot of dawdling at home.

Today was band exchange, and we met someone from our past! Our Math teacher. (who plays/played in a band too)

I freaked out upon seeing him... so did Pa and Pl, and so in the end we dallied a while together, wondering if we should go and say hi to him. But anyway he came up to say hi to us, much to our trepidation. On hindsight it would have been politer to approach him first...haha ohwells.

Talking to him was like, I don't know, seeing a photograph of your childhood. You feel an echo of the happy and scary memories you had last time, and you're grateful that you chanced upon the photograph, but it's different-- you can't really communicate with the photograph. The meeting was really pleasant but had a few awkward bits. But of course with some people around all these awkward moments get overshadowed very easily, LOLS.

In a group you do need a sunshine-kind of person to get everyone to start talking and not be so inhibited. Then things will be fun.

So after that our section went to Orchard after that to take neoprints! Hahah so fun! I tried to squeeze my rather large head into the frame, because there were so many people, then my legs ended up having muscle aches -.-

Nothing else to say. Waiting for hair to dry. Dismal blocks results. Must practice hard for syf!

Bought cute earrings from orchard cineleisure at 90cents a pair (wowowow) yay!

Jazz is surprisingly nice, imo, it has a wonderfully bouncy tigger-y feel to it. At least for the song I'm listening to now. From BBC's jazz series I think? Featuring the BBC concert orchestra. Wow!

Was talking to my mum today, as I do when I feel like I need to

a) form a Plan of some sort

b) express my thoughts so I can sleep better later, without thoughts chasing themselves around in my head

And she remarked that life was cruel... It might sound really serious when I say it like that here, but it was just a very matter-of-fact comment, and also a slightly pessimistic one...

You might be good. But if no one notices it then all your talent and effort is as good as naught. You might be trying your best. But if no one thinks so then your effort goes down the drain.

Anyway, I think I wouldn't want to live in a world where everything could be explained. Because mystery is part of living-- we're always in search of something and that's why we still wake up every morning. And if all the answers in the world could be found I think we'll all sink into existentialist depression, because by then we would have no more space to imagine and no more purpose to live.

I think it's time for me to be disciplined, to come up with a plan and stick to it. Given the undesirable state of affairs of school.

Broke a record for NAPFA today-- I got A for inclined pull ups!!! I think it's because I've been carrying my little friend, the not-so-light euphonium, around so much.

If you're feeling a little emotionally inarticulate today, like I am, but badly in need of some therapy to soothe you of the day's...turmoil... here's a nice classical music piece for you. I think it's rather famous... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bVRTtcWmXI (the Chaconne by Bach; whatever a chaconne is...)

A chaconne (French pronunciation: [ʃaˈkɔn]; Italian: ciaccona) is a type of musical composition popular in the baroque era when it was much used as a vehicle for variation on a repeated short harmonic progression, often involving a fairly short repetitive bass-line (ground bass) which offered a compositional outline for variation, decoration, figuration and melodic invention. In this it closely resembles the Passacaglia.

There you go, some reading-up to distract you.

That day I encountered a few amusing/noteworthy/weird events, and that very night all these events culminated into one of the weirdest dreams I've had in all time.

Sometimes it feels overwhelming, but I think I've been through work avalanches before so I feel less anxious about it than I would have if I were...a few years younger.

Anyway, something happened during Econs lesson on Friday that was quite touching. The teacher let us listen to this song called 悟 by 刘德华. Contrary to what the title might suggest it wasn't about making us feel guilty about getting horrible horrible marks (like mine certainly were). It was to comfort us. She told us life wasn't all about grades, and we should not lose ourselves in this mindless, timeless struggle to get good grades, or to beat everyone in grades. All we have to remember is to always try our best and not let ourselves down, if not we'll live a life of regrets thereafter, and possibly let down a whole lot of other people too. So yes, follow your own standards, be true to yourself, and stop conforming to society's notion of brilliance-- As, A stars, full marks and whatever can follow beyond that.

"为何君视而不见 规矩定方圆  悟性 悟觉 悟空 心甘情愿 " 

悟空-- realizing how very empty you are inside.

I don't think I did my best for blocks though.

I'm also really anxious about syf, description will end here. But the point of this paragraph is that I'm grateful about what leng said that dya, about wanting to give newbies a chance to go for syf so that we can experience it for ourselves. (the excitement, the trauma, etc.) There are auditions. I really hope I pass it, or that they are lenient, merciful, whatever. High school band got gold, and we are supposed to be better.

1st draft of IS due 31st April (then cheryl pointed out to me that there was no such date lol). So I guess it's due 1st May. Omgwtfbbqasdf 3 days before SYF, how to finish?

I know I'm supposed to not blog, to just work every minute of the day... like what some people seem to be doing, it seems to me. But I need to clear my mind of these emotions so I can concentrate on my work. Because my brain is small, and cannot contain so many things.

Well I suppose anything is possible and I can finish all my work at superhuman speed together with blogging. And I don't think I even have as much work as some people, since I have no h3.

I feel like I was too afraid of being alone, too afraid of being...independent.

I'm pleased because I've started reading Nocturnes by Kazuo Ishiguro.

May my fats turn into muscles, and may all my muscles have lots of ATP tomorrow.

I've been hearing the word 'sian' a lot, especially today. Apparently everyone is feeling the same.

Anger Management

For once in a long while, I felt exceedingly peeved today.

But it was probably because I immediately went to imagine the worst scenario possible which promptly made me feel a huge bubble of rage rising up in me.

On hindsight I think I was over-reacting and it was actually quite reasonable. But I still feel angry when I think about it.

Anyway after I felt all this anger I felt extremely tired. I just wanted to pack up and leave, sit somewhere alone.

But then I realized that there was absolutely no point because no one was going to realize. And I didn't want anybody to realize either. So yeah I cheered up a bit.

And I'll stop being so self-centred.

And there's no point talking about it here. Plus I'll end up sounding like a spoilt brat who hasn't grown up. Because immature is what I can be sometimes, seriously.

Whateverz. Gonna bathe and let all anger wash down the drain. Then off to do work. Because life moves on even when you're angry.

So why be angry?

Just believe that you will try your best when the day comes. And if it doesn't work out, pick up from there, plan up other things, other paths you can take. It doesn't help to hole up in a corner emo-ing.

Sighs.

Quite a horrible situation with someone like who's too mentally tired to do anything about it.

Fact is I just don't have a plan and I'm just spending time flapping around the house.

Today I will

1) Finish binomial

2) Write the testimonials

3) Try to do some KI.

Right I just wasted the evening away. 8(

Drama-mama.

Oh the agony!

Of having countless more days in school.

Of realizing immediately after that my carefree(?) school days are coming to an end.

Of realizing immediately after again that I'm just wasting more time typing this.

Oh goodbye.

I feel like punching somebody. No one in particular.

Finally sat myself down (at 10.40 pm) and now I'm attempting to start my IS.

Really grateful that I have comments (sometimes they don't give comments) and I think going by the comments my proposal was that close to being rejected but nvm that's not the point. In fact there is no point to this post now I'm just feeling this bit frustrated (not due to KI) so I need to vent the frustration by expending energy tapping on this keyboard.

Quite happy because I went to buy peanut-butter-flavoured M&Ms out of pure whim just now, and they really taste good OH YEAH OMNOMNOM. Haha hy good recommendation! :D please tell me more about any other candy you eat. :)

In other comments! SYF is a month away! The last SYF I had was choir in primary school. O: Quite fun practising. (but even more fun listening to the mp3 recording and listening out for my own part, or picking out other less-heard parts like maybe a little trumpet here and a little bassoon there and a clanging of chimes amidst all the racket the brasses are making).

Okay can you tell this is just therapeutic typing I'm not really blogging. Mixed in with some procrastination because I, well, I'm attempting to start KI. Although I swore to myself and crossed my heart quite a few times today that I would write something out by tonight.

And just now I went for the SSO casual concert. Got into the concert hall just in time before the doors closed. Was promptly greeted by a huge crashing bang on the bass drum on the stage because the music started as we made our way to the seats.

Sometime yesterday I sort of realized more clearly that one day I'm going to not be a student anymore very soon, and I'm going to have to manage everything myself, food, lodging, money, jobs, etc.

Okay whatever KI time bye bye. I do wish I had more time to spend with you guys.

Live my own life: living by my standards, my decisions; there are no limits to what my choices can be. And as long as I continue to make rational, well thought-out choices, there can never be a mistake that's too grave to make right again.

Yes, on a less cryptic note, a rational choice for this very moment would be to get down and dirty in KI.

Really like this song by the way. It's the tune, the voice, probably not the lyrics since the music video is already so painful to my eyes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADmCFmYLns4

Wonderful day today; it's one of the rarer days when I see people laughing a lot and when I laugh too. :)

My brother's coming back from India tomorrow! Yay.

Somehow last night/today some kind of fog was lifted from my mind and I wondered at all the angst I felt the past few days. I mean, I don't need to keep wondering about the Perfect Plan of my Life and debate with myself where I should go after this. It just brings a lot of unnecessary...emo-ing. And sometime, a few months ago, might be last year, I do remember telling myself that I love school and I really want to enjoy the last proper school year that I have. And spending it in throes of dark emotion is just not what I want.

The issue is not so much of where I would belong in future, but whether I will be at peace with myself in the choices I make. And the latter is easier to attain. For example, I will only do things which I like. Or things which give me a reasonable (not too much) amount of money to spend on things like... iPhones etc. Material stuff. Of course a balance between the two is ideal but if I really have to choose I'll choose the 1st over the 2nd.

Sigh really quite tired. I have muscle aches in an area I never knew had muscles? Like right above my kneecap. How did I get so unfit within the space of one year? Zzz.

Some things are better left unsaid, and it's not just secrets and gossip, but also more practical things like short-term goals, because if I say them out, then I'll just forget about them. If I let it hover around in my mind I will feel more compelled to achieve it.

I've got a wish. I wish to have a day and a night to spend all by myself, with no one around me, not anyone I know, not any strangers. Preferably in a place like a treehouse. Without the laptop, without my phone. And I'll spend the time wondering first about all the things I don't have time to wonder about now. Then I'll do my IS (so I'll need all my research to be in the treehouse). For the rest of the time... I'll read storybooks. And the treehouse must be well-stocked with food too.

Okay goodnight I'm going to sleep and have dreams about my ideal treehouse.