Sigh. So this morning I woke up and felt something was rotting beneath the cheerful, healthy-pink exterior of my life. I know my life is good, I know I'm having it better than many others, I know that I know how to live the life I want to. I know what I want.

But I felt like inside me there was a chasm, and there was something rotting in that chasm. 

So after some self check-up, I decided that what was carving me up from within was 

a) my high expectations and 

b) how everything in the world is not meeting these expectations, and 

c) how I am really, really tired of struggling to meet these expectations. (which explains why I feel burnt out already and don't feel like studying) (and things like these are really not within my control, so struggling has been futile.)

Not academic expectations (I mean, life ISN'T only about studies, okay), but... Life Expectations. 

*also, my self check-up diagnosis says I am not depressed, so don't worry*

So I guess I grew up as a very idealistic girl in a very sheltered environment. And now my environment is morphing into reality. 

To give you a better idea of what I'm talking about, I guess what I'm experiencing is like Frodo's journey from The Shire to Mordor. The Shire represents my childhood, the journey to Mordor represents my current reality. I hope I never reach my life-equivalent of Mordor, honestly, touch wood, this is just an example for purposes of illustration.

So what on earth am I complaining about? I guess I'll just list everything out here, point-blank, so I'll myself get a better idea of what's bugging me, instead of just waffling about it.

1) Falling in love is NOTHING like what we were taught

Love is very much a pragmatic union of 2 people, and I find that many unions I could potentially form now are not pragmatic. Why not? I've been observing members of the opposite gender (I'm being really frank, okay) and I surmise that it's largely because of differences in Life Expectations. And some are outright douchebags and I wouldn't even be friends with them. Really, Douchebags with a capital D, and I don't know why they exist, maybe they exist for the purpose of teaching others what Douchebag means; very selfless of them indeed. 

2) Friends are not nice people.

Sorry, do not be offended. I know I am not nice, I know I am a bitch sometimes, and thank you very much for forgiving me when my Bitch decides to strut her stuff on stage. But I'm sure everyone has an inner bitch, yes? No one is perfect, and I'm sorry for ever thinking that my friends could be. I'm using the word 'friends' very loosely here, so yes, I'm referring to a ton of people that I know. 

I guess I just held humanity up to a really high standard, and I thought I was living in a world of angels, but life experiences and modules such as constitutional law have taught me otherwise.

3) I'm not smart, I'm not gifted, I am not special

I am everybody and I am nobody. And I don't know why people ever decided to call me those 3 adjectives. I knew I was not those 3 adjectives a long time ago, but I admit it takes time to get used to this new knowledge. 

But I really thank my mum and I guess my teachers for grooming me well, such that I reached my intellectual growth spurt quite early in life. Unfortunately, as all growth spurts work, they end pretty fast and pretty abruptly. As a result I'm in a rather fortunate position in life now, and I can never thank my mum enough for that. But here's where it stops, and here's where I go it alone, here's where I pick up the pieces myself and strive on my own, and it's definitely not going to be easy. 

As Katniss in the Hunger Games said, life isn't about thinking of all the negative things. One must make a list of everything good as well (and she said that making lists of good things is a game as well, just a much better game than most other Games). So here goes, some good things:

1) I've learnt who I am 

I know what I love, what I hate, what I want, what makes me tick, what to avoid. I've learnt to shut certain things out. I feel much less two-dimensional than I was back then.

2) I've learnt that life is not just about myself

Back then everything was about my grades, my portfolio, my life; everything was something to be achieved, and if you didn't achieve them you were falling behind, and all these were Paramount and Important Things To Do In My Life. And I hated that life, I think my hatred can be felt beneath the surface of my musings, if you've noticed. Of course life right now is also about achieving certain things, but at least I feel more free, I feel like not everything revolves around that, and I am free to organize my time.

I've also learnt that even if I'm around Douchebags and Bitches (I'm around a Bitch I can never run away from, and that is myself), I can have lots of fun all the same, and create lovely memories. I know of people I've hated at some point in time but I've ended up liking them. So the baseline is there are many things to hate in this world but that will not stop me from loving, living and having fun. It's like that Sara Bareilles song that I posted a while ago, called Sweet as Whole. 

3) I'm more open-minded?

At this point, I'm feeling kinda drained, but that's the point that popped up in my head, so here goes. 

Self-explanatory. 

And I've learnt to understand when I'm manipulating and controlling people, and I'll tell myself to stop doing that, and if people try to do that to me, I shut them out. 

Right okay, that was therapeutic. On top of blogging, I've painted my toenails to cheer myself up. I'm kinda drained now, and all ready to embark on some reading. So goodbye, cheers to you if you read up till here, hope you had some interesting takeaways from here and maybe you could have a friendly chat with me one day.