It's kinda scary how you've got to tread carefully around some people. 

Sigh I hate how I'm blogging so much I'm turning into one of those lousy keyboard warriors but I can't help it cos I'm hooked to the laptop all day DOING RP

which I don't know how to do

.

.

.

Yet. Hopefully. 

GAH. And the weather's so lovely these days. No rain. Just sunshine and wind. And I'm cooped up in here. Pffffft.

Why was I so afraid?

I mean, it's healthy to be aware... but not too healthy to place so much importance on it.

Favourite words:
forward
freedom
fufill your dreams
positive
tempus fugit
devil-may-care attitude
forgiveness
love
open mind
honesty
independence
food

Today's quote:
To lead a society, the MM says in his precise Victorian English, "one must understand human nature. I have always thought that humanity was animal-like. The Confucian theory was man could be improved, but I'm not sure he can be. He can be trained, he can be disciplined." 
source: http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/print/2010/01/singapore/jacobson-text 

I can't say I'm not bought over by these words. And I'm quite wowed by the stunning honesty of these words. I like honesty.
But I think some humans-- emphasis: some-- constantly rise above the animal-like nature of the rest and they end up being givers and nurturers. Like Mother Teresa and Gandhi, etc.
I believe in the goodness of humans. But I also believe only a special few have the ability to harness this goodness. The rest don't. The rest are kind, yes, but in small ways-- they lapse in between goodness and animal-likeness. That special few like Mother Teresa and Gandhi, they are able to go against societal norms and they are also at least 95% selfless.
I am not saying that just because humanity can be trained and disciplined, he should be trained and disciplined all the time. Nope, that is the is-ought fallacy-- just because something is, doesn't mean it ought to be.

My greatest fear right now is to be reduced to something soulless and evil.
Familiar words? Those are the words used to describe Dementors in the HP series.

I live in a really pragmatic world, and I don't like it. That's something I cannot hide. Why do I say that? Some people only give a shit about you when you're in a position of power.
But to complain about the world being pragmatic shows a certain level of narcissism and how I'm being self-centred, which is a common ailment of my generation, so I'll shut my trap and try to be happier. In other ways. And realize that I'm real lucky to have people around me who do give a shit about me.
And likewise I'll give a shit about them, and more, because that's how friendship and love work.

'Cos the people who don't care are not worth caring about.

staring at one RP the whole day is no joke.
i'll go sleep now before my sanity is compromised.
#extremelypissedbutnotsurewithwho

today i realized i have plenty of fire in me.
wow
burn
baby
burn.



and plenty of feels.

i think being a hermit at home would really do me good right now. firstly, i need to get my 2 RPs done. secondly, i'm moody and i get pissed easily about how the world is a superficial place and loves to impose expectations on other people carelessly. thirdly, getting pissed distracts me from other more pressing matters such as my RP. fourthly, i really need the time (don't we all) so no more outings and no samba for this week (sobs?). fifthly, the only way i can get rid of this underlying current of self-doubt that i've been feeling for the past few days is to just WERK IT on my RPs.

calm down, zen mode, that's my default mode.

just have faith in yourself and keep going on, know that you will at least try to do it well. and trust that you probably can do it well.
sigh.
bleh.

fk you finance!!
i'm gonna own you during finals

omg i rly hate studying for finance but i have to do it. like many other things in life i don't have a choice.
and boy, i am gonna show the world a gigantic middle finger by showing them i can do it.

i hope.

(learnt the phrase 'show the world a gigantic middle finger' from some newfound friends...lols) because if the world shows you a middle finger, you show it back.

In other more exciting news, I discovered an old band called Survivor and I really really like their songs :D

Life is a ride on a go-kart downhill... along the way you learn to tuck your elbows in and avoid getting hurt, and you meet lots of other people on other go-karts at the same time (they're just apparitions in your life)... and you have lots of fun at the same time because you're speeding downhill and you feel the wind in your hair and the thrill in your abdomen...
and then all of a sudden you reach the bottom, the end, where the go-kart keeper greets you, and goodness knows what follows from there.

Mum: 男人只会说而已，不会做的！
omfg mum how true...
(we were talking about a male friend of mine)
wowow
#lifelessons

Sigh. So this morning I woke up and felt something was rotting beneath the cheerful, healthy-pink exterior of my life. I know my life is good, I know I'm having it better than many others, I know that I know how to live the life I want to. I know what I want.

But I felt like inside me there was a chasm, and there was something rotting in that chasm. 

So after some self check-up, I decided that what was carving me up from within was 

a) my high expectations and 

b) how everything in the world is not meeting these expectations, and 

c) how I am really, really tired of struggling to meet these expectations. (which explains why I feel burnt out already and don't feel like studying) (and things like these are really not within my control, so struggling has been futile.)

Not academic expectations (I mean, life ISN'T only about studies, okay), but... Life Expectations. 

*also, my self check-up diagnosis says I am not depressed, so don't worry*

So I guess I grew up as a very idealistic girl in a very sheltered environment. And now my environment is morphing into reality. 

To give you a better idea of what I'm talking about, I guess what I'm experiencing is like Frodo's journey from The Shire to Mordor. The Shire represents my childhood, the journey to Mordor represents my current reality. I hope I never reach my life-equivalent of Mordor, honestly, touch wood, this is just an example for purposes of illustration.

So what on earth am I complaining about? I guess I'll just list everything out here, point-blank, so I'll myself get a better idea of what's bugging me, instead of just waffling about it.

1) Falling in love is NOTHING like what we were taught

Love is very much a pragmatic union of 2 people, and I find that many unions I could potentially form now are not pragmatic. Why not? I've been observing members of the opposite gender (I'm being really frank, okay) and I surmise that it's largely because of differences in Life Expectations. And some are outright douchebags and I wouldn't even be friends with them. Really, Douchebags with a capital D, and I don't know why they exist, maybe they exist for the purpose of teaching others what Douchebag means; very selfless of them indeed. 

2) Friends are not nice people.

Sorry, do not be offended. I know I am not nice, I know I am a bitch sometimes, and thank you very much for forgiving me when my Bitch decides to strut her stuff on stage. But I'm sure everyone has an inner bitch, yes? No one is perfect, and I'm sorry for ever thinking that my friends could be. I'm using the word 'friends' very loosely here, so yes, I'm referring to a ton of people that I know. 

I guess I just held humanity up to a really high standard, and I thought I was living in a world of angels, but life experiences and modules such as constitutional law have taught me otherwise.

3) I'm not smart, I'm not gifted, I am not special

I am everybody and I am nobody. And I don't know why people ever decided to call me those 3 adjectives. I knew I was not those 3 adjectives a long time ago, but I admit it takes time to get used to this new knowledge. 

But I really thank my mum and I guess my teachers for grooming me well, such that I reached my intellectual growth spurt quite early in life. Unfortunately, as all growth spurts work, they end pretty fast and pretty abruptly. As a result I'm in a rather fortunate position in life now, and I can never thank my mum enough for that. But here's where it stops, and here's where I go it alone, here's where I pick up the pieces myself and strive on my own, and it's definitely not going to be easy. 

As Katniss in the Hunger Games said, life isn't about thinking of all the negative things. One must make a list of everything good as well (and she said that making lists of good things is a game as well, just a much better game than most other Games). So here goes, some good things:

1) I've learnt who I am 

I know what I love, what I hate, what I want, what makes me tick, what to avoid. I've learnt to shut certain things out. I feel much less two-dimensional than I was back then.

2) I've learnt that life is not just about myself

Back then everything was about my grades, my portfolio, my life; everything was something to be achieved, and if you didn't achieve them you were falling behind, and all these were Paramount and Important Things To Do In My Life. And I hated that life, I think my hatred can be felt beneath the surface of my musings, if you've noticed. Of course life right now is also about achieving certain things, but at least I feel more free, I feel like not everything revolves around that, and I am free to organize my time.

I've also learnt that even if I'm around Douchebags and Bitches (I'm around a Bitch I can never run away from, and that is myself), I can have lots of fun all the same, and create lovely memories. I know of people I've hated at some point in time but I've ended up liking them. So the baseline is there are many things to hate in this world but that will not stop me from loving, living and having fun. It's like that Sara Bareilles song that I posted a while ago, called Sweet as Whole. 

3) I'm more open-minded?

At this point, I'm feeling kinda drained, but that's the point that popped up in my head, so here goes. 

Self-explanatory. 

And I've learnt to understand when I'm manipulating and controlling people, and I'll tell myself to stop doing that, and if people try to do that to me, I shut them out. 

Right okay, that was therapeutic. On top of blogging, I've painted my toenails to cheer myself up. I'm kinda drained now, and all ready to embark on some reading. So goodbye, cheers to you if you read up till here, hope you had some interesting takeaways from here and maybe you could have a friendly chat with me one day.

Default mode:
Zen, and some love.

They could call us fools or pioneers, but we did things with a dream, not knowing the result of the dream. ~William Christensen.

True that... I don't know where exactly I'll end up in 5 years but nothing should keep me from fighting on... at least I have a vague idea of where I'm going, and I'm luckier than most to at least have that vague idea.

when is this rat race ever gonna end? the way i see it, it's never ending. we used to tell ourselves, work hard now and you will not regret it, because you reap what you sow. 'pain is temporary, grades are forever' was my mantra at one time. but even if it's temporary, recurring pain is gonna have rather unhealthy effects. i see the unhealthy effects in myself, my friends, everywhere. it's poison. the way to avoid this rat race is not become a rat yourself. very self-righteous words, and i don't like self-righteous people although i am being one myself, but it makes me feel better. and not becoming a rat means you just don't see it as a rat race. you see it as something you truly wish to do. and make sure it's something you truly wish to do.

valentine's day. my mum asked me: did anybody ask you out? 'nope!' was my reply. my aunt told me gleefully: next year you're gonna have a date on this day because you're gonna have a boyfriend!! 'not gonna happen cos i'm not gonna have one' was my reply. the way i see it, there are lots of eligible guys and girls (i mean i'm straight, but i'm saying that my girlfriends and i are VERY eligible people) around, but the things that are stopping us from lovin' are fear, lack of time and a desire for freedom. 1) see, when you start trying to love, you need to be really brave, because it's a new stage of life, and you're not sure if you're gonna get rejected, and you know you are subjecting yourself to that person's inner bitch and you've gotta brace yourself for it. 2) you need to have lots of time, for the lovin' and the hatin' you're gonna do with that person. 3) you need to sacrifice some of your freedom, cos you're gonna have to work around that person's inner bitch and so you've gotta rein in YOUR own inner bitch, and you've got to sacrifice some precious family time or me-time for that person.
love how my inner Latino accent is coming out in me. i guess i use it when i'm feeling assertive about something. ;)
so yeah, right now i kinda enjoy feeling the vibe of being around single people. what vibe, you may ask. it's the vibe of uncertainty, of friendship, of hope, of being pre-occupied with other things. you can sense it in single people. when you're around attached people, it's the vibe of friendship and certainty, which is fun too.
see, life can be fun. if you want it to be.
dammit la just super sian about all the work i've gotta do right now that's why there's so much bullshit on my blog right now. and so little time. and my pace of work is like stagnating. whaat the hell.

THIS is exactly how I feel sometimes, especially on a day such as Valentine's Day. Neither sad nor happy. Just... being.

No more lessons for the rest of the week. Reached home at 4 plus pm today but what I've done is only to shower, eat dinner, play some handphone games and nap.

I guess this is therapy for a crazy-ish week? But running out of excuses to slack. Gotta start working hard again. Kind of miss the days when I felt the momentum and I had nice deep things to say on this blog. Now momentum, come back to me.

ramblerambleramble. busybusybusy. boredboredbored. maybe i was born in the wrong generation, wrong country, whatever, but today i find almost everything around me uninspiring. but i guess i'm really lucky to have had all the experiences i've had so far. maybe today is just a bad day. maybe i'm just in a rather bad mood.

put your swag on and go do some work.

mug. mug. mug.

(shit i seem to have lost my focus ever since the concert ended which is bad bad bad.)

MUG LA

getting distracted by all the positive feels i see on facebook and all the reminiscent feels i get when i think of my concert.

there is a MARKED difference between people from my old school and people from other schools. really, really marked. in terms of happiness levels, stress levels and ultimately overall personality. wow. wow. wow.

just shows how distracted/stoned i am that i'm repeating words thrice.

sigh i feel like a dumb blonde now shit how do i do my readings in this state AND prepare for my presentation tomorrow.

In this world, there are the uber practical people, and there are the ones who have their heads in the clouds, and there are the ones who try to have the best of both worlds. I think I'm the 3rd type, and boy, AM I TIRED.
I felt like I was gonna faint the whole of today (and today is my longest day) but now that I'm home and fresh as a daisy, I feel better (but still thinking of bed longingly).

Stay true to yourself. That's what I've learnt from all the people around me. And let other people stay true to themselves.

Mission for the week: catch up on work!


Lyrics:
That guy's an asshole
And that girl's a bitch
Baby it's natural
No getting away from it
So sing it out with me 
And then let it go
F*** that guy he's just an asshole.

Great lyrics.

if you get there before i do
don't give up on me
i'll meet you when my chores are through
i don't know how long i'll be

\sentimentalfeels

can i melt into a puddle of sentimentality right now

Post-concert musings:
I'm still living in the moments of the concert. I don't wanna move on!
Help me, I'm facing a workload crisis.

But I suppose if I could endure days with only a few hours of sleep at night for my concert, I could do the same for my work.

It's all in the attitude.

ARGHHHH

Thank you world for giving me wonderful memories.
And because a person is basically a collection of memories, I will become a better person.
I will return the love and also spread it!

Lyrics that really work for me right now:
Do you know what's worth fighting for
When it's not worth dying for?

You probably can guess what song this is ;) yeah, it's called 21 guns, and I like to think of it as a theme song for my upcoming 21st year of life (no, I don't think I'm throwing a party).

Relax, take it easy, sail through life like a piece of dandelion fluff.
(And why should we give a damn what people think or say of us? When most of them are just passing apparitions through our lives? We just need to listen to our own hearts and minds. And listen to those whom we truly cherish-- now that's another topic of discussion altogether and my brain does not have anything to say about the topic for the moment as it's blissfully filled with the melody of 21 guns).

It's a choice, and we are privileged to have more choices than about like 70% of the population around the world, and we should exercise the choice because we can.

Man, vaguely saturated. Mentally tired? My mum says it could be that I'm just being lazy. *groans*
In response to my whining she emphasized 'could be'.

--
innocence.
grace.
make the world a better place.
--
right now i'd love to stand at the top of a lovely hill and let the cool night breeze clear my mind.

breath by breath.

module by module.

page by page.

word by word. 

just get going. 

don't get worrying.

beyonce's my current idol


there. here's the source 

Oh holy moment I found a lovely quote while doing my law readings. 

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of the mediocre mind.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Upon doing a search, Wikipedia explains that when a man adheres blindly to thoughts or opinions he has vocalized in the past, purely for the sake of seeming true to his principles, Emerson argues that he violates his nature. A man must be willing, every day, to open his consciousness to his intuition, whether or not what it tells him is in conflict with prior conclusions he had come to.

Basically, he argues against conformity with the world, and advocates the slogan "Trust thyself".

Moment of enlightenment. I mean, I've already subscribed to this belief beforehand but here it is, expressed in a lovely quote.

I don't know why there are so many things that are fundamentally wrong with the world around me and nobody notices. I repeat into the void: There are many things that are fundamentally wrong with the world around me.
And my voice echoes around me. I'm stewing in my own echoes. And outside the window, the world bustles on.

The best thing for me to do now is forge ahead against the current towards what I love. And stop getting distracted. And stop letting it hurt me.

I know what I love, and I know I'm doing what I love, or at least like. That should be good enough. That places me among the most fortunate people in this world.

There are many other fundamentally wrong things that are actually worth correcting. The ones that bother me are not worth correcting. The ones that bother me are people. People are not worth my investment because people are oblivious and selfish. They say one thing but their actions prove otherwise.

Ideas. Ideas are worth my time. Or some practical action. Honestly, I believe there are many other things that need attention in our world, not just my wounded feelings and pride. I just need some time to let the ache pass. Maybe it won't pass and it will just turn into stone. Which is fine, as long as my heart doesn't turn into stone.

#peace #letitgo #beyourself #pride #idontunderstandorlikehumans #babiesarebetter #animalsarebetter #familyisanexceptionthough

I'm not joking. Those hashtags are funny but they aren't a joke.

And I still remember my 2014 resolution-- to be at peace with everyone and with myself. Right. It's a seemingly modest resolution but really, it's damn difficult.

"You have to be somebody who is interesting to yourself." Lloyd Blankfein

I'm really afraid of watching The Fault in Our Stars because I know I'm going to dissolve into a puddle of tears while watching it and I don't want anybody to see me in that state. Maybe I'll watch it alone and strangers around me will be staring at the wreck I'll be in that Golden Village cinema seat and scurrying away. Or maybe I'll watch it with people anyway and I'll be repeatedly telling myself 'no tears no tears no tears' and I'd have a constipated look on my face. Anyway, it's coming out in June and I'll have plenty of time to decide how I'm going to watch it.

"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices." -- Augustus Waters.
What a very generous way of describing people.
I guess I've always strove for perfection. And I've got myself disappointed time and time again, picked myself up and started striving for perfection again.
Not anymore I guess. The world as I know it has dissolved into a thousand broken fragments; I guess it happened gradually but I've only noticed it now.
But there's something pretty about viewing life through a thousand fragments-- could you imagine the sunlight bouncing off them? Shining through them and splitting into different colours?

And TFIOS has got me thinking about perfection in another sense-- in terms of a life partner. Who the heck is as perfect as Augustus Waters? I bet if the main leads didn't get separated (by death), and they got married, they'd be quarrelling regularly 5 years into their marriage and I don't know, they might get a divorce which is quite fashionable nowadays.
I broached the topic casually with a fellow fangirl of TFIOS. She smiled kinda knowingly and said, I don't think Augustus is perfect.
Right.

I need to stop thinking that perfection exists. I shall continue viewing life through the thousand broken fragments that I've amassed.


listening to this on repeat because a) it's lovely b) it's the tfios soundtrack!!!
onerepublic is ALWAYS LOVELY