I find it increasingly peaceful to be by myself. Which is good I guess. It could get boring sometimes but I still like it. And I've been seeing a few shares on facebook about how being alone is good. Speak of coincidences. Oscar Wilde once said that it's very healthy to be alone and we should learn how to be ourselves and not be defined by other people.
I see what people mean when they talk about personal space, and working relationships, and like-dislike mash-ups of feelings.
And I find that being by myself just puts everything back in perspective.
And I dislike acquisitive behaviour. It's seems quite... self-centred.
Need I talk about my backlog again? It's just crazy. It's off the charts. And I'm still trying to have a normal life while clearing it.

Here's an old song of John Mayer's. Never realized before how charming his songs were.

That spark of determination.
Please don't leave me.
It's the spark that says, it's crazy, but I'm going to dive headlong into it since there's no avoiding it anyway.
Why am I so awake? This is bad, I've got to be up in 5 hours.

Sometimes all it takes is a belief.
I just need to believe that I can do it.
That belief was really strong in Year 1, I don't know why it's been weakening this semester.
What really sustained my belief last year was...I don't know.
What I thought last year was that... I could conquer anything and I could do anything with this attitude of mine.
Wow, okay, so it helps to look at the past.
I know I'm getting more jaded -- and I'm still a lot less jaded than most adults I think-- but what I need to do is to keep this jadedness separate from my attitude.
I know I'm seeing things differently now... what used to look like Disneyland just looks like... well, reality now.
And I know that my country was once apparently described as Disneyland.
I know I sound a bit neurotic here but these are really some of my deepest thoughts... so that's why.
Yeah, and all I need is a belief... A belief that I can still conquer whatever I set out to conquer in year 1.
'Cos life is about moving forward and not retreating. Retreating just defeats the whole point of life itself.
And when you feel currents moving against you, you just have to double the strength of that belief and push on with a mighty YELL.

I'm just this close to becoming a UK citizen, honestly.



Just that well, I'm based here and all my family and friends are here, so, I'm still here. And I'm a student and I'm not extraordinarily rich and can't move house across the seas and mountains just like that.

Okay today is a day of Great Enlightenment in Property Law, Company Law and All The Great Questions in My Life.
Today is an important day.
Bye.

It's so easy to feel contempt for the people around me but it's also equally easy to feel affection for them.
It's not easy when my experience with emotions was one-dimensional for the first 15 or so years of my life, and now they are acquiring new dimensions and I've got to get used to them.
Right so... I'm here cos I'm not sure where to get started. With my work I mean.
I've learnt how personal space is sacred. You need to preserve a part of yourself that you can express fully without backlashes from other people's equally dynamic and volatile emotions.
So I'm really enjoying my solitude right now, with me and my music. Oh, and of course my readings.
Came back and decided to continue reading The Rape of Nanking... and I regretted it. It makes for rather tense and emotional reading. And the feelings last.
:(
I might have scared somebody because my friend and I were discussing WWII history and I was explaining my rather emotionally-tainted stance, when a bored classmate drifted over and asked me to repeat what I was saying... So I bluntly repeated my opinions and her face was like "eeyer... why am I talking to marsha." Alright... sorry... no... I'm not dangerous... I don't bite...

I feel like there's so many waves crashing inside me
But I still feel calm
I know that the waves are meant to be there.

It would be really nice if I could be sitting at the beach now with my laptop.
Then I'd do my work by the beach and hear all the waves crashing.
But in reality that wouldn't work cos I know I'd be distracted by all the shadows lurking around in the trees around me.

We were never meant to stand on firm, flat ground. The earth is round, for goodness' sake! Whatever we do, we are always balancing ourselves on this huge ball that is Earth. Our whole life is a balancing act.

Holding onto that patch of sunniness in me. People can be bitchy, they can be passive. But I don't have to be bitchy myself. And people are passive only because every one in the right mind would be absorbed in their own worlds and not in other people's.

Kind of liking my CLS group, they are so easy going. :)

can the december holidays just arrive. right now.
sigh.
my drive seems to have disappeared ever since....
ever since property law moots ended
lol
i feel numb even though i know about all the work coming up in the weeks ahead
numb... i.e. no drive
i know what i need
i need the gym
3 weeks no gym
maybe that's why i'm a living ball of slime

feeling so damn relaxed even though i've got a presentation plus a quiz on monday.
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
it's not complacency... it's more like. I'm gonna have to do my work anyway so I'm just gonna do it at my own time and however i like it.

It's not a good idea to read a history book detailing wartime atrocities at almost 1 am when you're trying to finish up your research for a presentation next monday.
First it makes you unnerved...
and then you don't feel sleepy
and then you come to post a silly post like this on your blog.

*okay back to work*

I think I shouldn't sleep tonight...
even if my nose is misbehaving
okay maybe i'll sleep at 2 ish or 3.

i've learnt one thing today though... to be at ease with myself. yes, even if people do not seem to like you.

I'm feeling sick today cos I'm in danger of sneezing every minute. And I'm feeling sick of people. Thank goodness I met up with Yun and Cheryl for lunch (and Chloe soon after) or today would have been an utterly miserable day.
I live in a world where goodness is taken for granted and 'badness' is not forgiven nor forgotten. What is badness anyway?
Where people don't bother to see who you are beneath your appearance or try to understand your actions. Where the worst is assumed. Where nobody gives a shit whether you exist. Where everything 'bad' you do is judged and probably gossiped about.
It's a world which remembers and bears grudges.
And I'm part of this world. I share its characteristics. I see myself for who I am and I'm not impressed. But I'm not impressed with the world either.
One thing helps though. I understand myself. I can't say I have the same degree of understanding for the world I live in.
And what hurts is that this world contains things and relationships I care about. But they all disappoint. I've learnt to halve my expectations, but it seems like my expectations have to go lower still. I'm becoming a cynical and jaded lady. A lady who has changed a lot from who she was last year. But I understand why the changes happened.
I see things differently from many people. I know a few who see things the same way as i do, and I hope they stay this way. But I can't say for sure because change is a constant.
Of course the world I'm talking about is not the world at home. Home is a sanctuary. School is kind of a halfway house between home and real world. And the place I'm talking about it closer to the real world than any other place.
Sigh I really feel like my life is missing something. It's missing its calling, mission, purpose, whatever.
Then again why do I have such a romanticised view of life? You do what you're supposed to do here. What you love to do isn't valued in this society.

To be fair, I haven't seen all the best things this world has to offer. Neither have I seen the worst. But choy.

I just bought tau huey from mr bean and I know my sick-and-sick-of-people vibe just rubbed off on the mr bean vendor.

Oops.

Well, at least I know the effects aren't for long.

And with that... I guess I've cheered up a bit. You might be a little amazed at the fact that I just typed out all of this rather obsessively on the way home.

Aaand... After eating my tauhuey I feel like I'm the one who can't forgive myself, who feels too insecure. It's not the world.

OH ALRIGHT MARSHA stop caring too much.

Sigh quite emotionally tired right now. It's the feeling where you've got a lot of feelings but you don't really know who you are, and you don't know which feeling to focus on cos they're all equally strong.
Lots of work to do. Hopefully I'll be able to stay awake tonight and be productive with my work.
Sigh basically I'm quite screwed wrt workload
NO SLEEP
MARSHA YOU HATE TO SLEEP DON'T YOU

Was thinking to myself today that I should stop being so fixated on how I perform and instead focus on the meaning of what I'm learning. Had a moot today... it went well, except at the end the prof asked us *why on earth* didn't we consider a particular point. But after that the prof walked up to us and spoke to us in private about how we did... so it felt good, like we were actually learning stuff rather than just walking up to the front to be graded.
I *honestly* wouldn't mind if I graduated with the minimum required grade and actually genuinely understood the meaning of what I was learning. It's better than doing extremely well and then only remembering negative things about school.
Anyway, I was thinking about how with some people life feels so fake. You can't really sit back in the atmosphere with them. I'm not sure why. Meh. But you're forced to play along and smile-- well, you're actually having some fun, but at the same time half of you is wondering why the heck the other half of yourself is enjoying... itself. I guess it just means I don't fit in.
It's like what the catcher in the rye means, it means being somebody who wants to rescue children from the deep dark pit of adulthood, somebody who wants to preserve childhood innocence. It's really sad, because it's such an impossible task. And such a hateful task. That's why I didn't finish reading the catcher in the rye. But sometimes I feel like I'm going down that deep dark pit. I see the darkness gaping below me, and I think to myself-- why should I be afraid of the dark?-- and I walk on down with my mouth drawn in a grim line. But other times I stop and realize there's something repulsive about this darkness, and I try to walk back into the light, where there are all the things I know and hold dear.
That said. I'm not going to complain about my workload, that's so common, everybody's doing it.

---
Sigh basically yesterday was quite a bad day for me. I'm sure it showed during samba when we had our welcome tea and I had nothing to say for '3 interesting things about me' -.-
Sometimes I question why I'm still in it but I remember good things that people say. I remember my classmates telling me that it's really good to be in a club like that, because it's so spontaneous and they actually feel proud that it's an smu club. Things like that, I'll remember for a long time.
\somuchfeels.
Also life would be seriously depressing, crazy and meaningless if I weren't in it. I mean, I can't dedicate my whole vibrant youth to friggin' studying. That makes no sense whatsoever. Time waits for no one. Time waits for no one to have fun while they can.
okay time to prep for next presentation. lots of research to do probably.
this is bad, i don't have any family life at all.

what a rollercoaster of emotions i'm experiencing these few days.
good to say that right now i feel rather peaceful.
i've been obsessed with this harry potter mbti chart for the past 2 days. it just feels nice to know which ones your friends are, so it feels like the harry potter characters have come alive and you've just transported yourself in to the potter universe. it's really fun thinking of your friends as harry potter characters.

How strange and lovely it is that after spending 3 hours doing cca stuff
I feel a spot of happiness in me, spreading its tendrils and making me feel like I've got nothing in the world to worry about.
Stranger still when I recall how stressed I've been this week.
Stranger still when (frankly) I'm not actually close to anyone in my cca.
Now at least I feel the oomph and I can say that school is exciting, exhilarating, etc.
I feel young!
:)

Today... I realized I had that capacity to be a magnanimous person... twice. And I acted that way. I just needed to get this off my chest. I know, truly magnanimous people don't need to praise themselves. Just needed to ... sort of give myself a pat on the back. 'Cos no one will. No one gives magnanimous people pats on the back.

http://www.waitbutwhy.com/2013/09/why-generation-y-yuppies-are-unhappy.html?m=1
I'm not special.
I'm not special.
I'm not special.
Sure, I'm my own person, I am myself. But so is everyone.

This is surely some good advice: http://www.lawschoolzen.com/law-school-success/help-im-miserable-and-hate-law-school/ 

Felt 100% saturated today after spamming readings, then felt stressed after realizing I was just about 
20% through the reading list
On my way to meeting now.

Whoosh.

It's natural to be afraid...

And I quote, find yourself.

No I don't hate law school. It's just the name of the link.

All is well.

Generally in a bad mood on Monday mornings and everyone on the mrt looks like an eyesore.
Sigh but I need to think of more positive stuff.
I wish we all weren't so serious about ourselves. Clutching at ourselves like we were the only things in the world left that's worth our tiny grips. Truth is there's so much more that our hands can contain.
Ooh wow look I feel kinda inspired now haha click on this: 13 rules high-achievers never break.
Today my friends said I seem very stressed. Oh well.
要跟自己过得去
And you know you're being cowardly and childish when everyone and everything starts looking scary to you.
Really admire those people who had the courage to just up and go. It's not about academics. What I'm talking about is how I can sustain this lifestyle, and how I can live with myself feeling under the weather more often than usual. Cliched-ly put, it's more of a self-discovery thing.
I know I don't wanna up and go. Not sure why though. I think generally I see some hope.
It's like what I tell myself when I'm left with 1 more round around the track before I finish up my 2.4 km run, I'll just say, one more round, it can't hurt!
Well, now I tell myself, 2.5 more years, it can't hurt!
It's definitely not an accurate analogy, but another supporting reason is I've made it through 1 year doing fairly okay so why not give the rest a go. It's like, I've already run 1.6 km or so, and so what is 0.8 km more?
But a rational/motherly voice in my head is saying it's not as bad as I make it out to be so... I just need to let go of all these... fears.
It's not just fear though, it's more like a feeling that I know burn-out is coming. I know the lactic acid is building up. The negative energy. The vindictiveness, the annoyance I keep feeling at innocent people.
But I keep these nasty thoughts at bay. Because whenever I see people complaining about said topic on a public platform, I judge them so badly. It's just my instinctive reaction to go eew at them. So I try not to practice what I detest. It's okay if people complain to their friends though, I do that too.
Simply put, I feel like I need to go gym or go for cca. I need to see more friendly and genuine faces.

we live in a world of half-truths.
the only entity i can ever truly understand is myself.
but even so, i'm still trying to work myself out.
oh wait, i understand who and what my family is
i understand what friendship is
but even if i understand now, nothing is forever
and there's always more understanding to be done.
and i guess it shows a lot if we try to understand

-----
wow today was the most relaxing school day i've had since school started. lessons from 10-11.30, then went to find my mummy at JEM and shopped for a while. :) :D and now i've showered and i'm fresh as a daisy and i'm beginning on a whole new cycle of readings tonight.
and also class today was really interesting... gave me a whole new perspective. didn't get part of what was going on when it happened in class... but reached home and achieved some form of mini-enlightenment... ^^

here's a really chill song (that i first heard at my cip -.-) enjoy~

marsha marsha marsha.
drive all thought of sleeping from your mind.
what did i tell myself that day?
also
crazier weeks up ahead
i need to stop sleeping so much now
prepare for the storm
drive all thought of sleeping from your mind!

stop sleeping so much!
stop being a 千金小姐
probably no time to gym this week :(


I love UK!!!!! Melts.

Oh lights go down
In the moment we're lost and found
I just want to be by your side
If these wings could fly
Oh damn these walls
In the moment we're ten feet tall
And how you told me after it all
We'll remember tonight for the rest of our lives.

:D yay

Feeling better today. More... Liberated I would say.
Don't live life in a box.
I think I 身在福中不知福。
Also is it just me or does school feel oppressive sometimes? Oh well, focus on the good stuff.

I hate to start my post off with this but... Mentioning GPA spoils my mood. Discussing it spoils the rest of my day. Discussing it a second time just makes my day shitty. A third time... Just makes me wanna flip the table or do something explosive like that. Yes, it popped up in 3 different conversations with different people today. Although I admit I initiated the 3rd conversation. But... what the. It just goes to show how friggin' stressed all of us are. Even if we don't wanna admit it.

I just don't wanna be reminded of the burden I'm carrying. It's probably the heaviest burden I've had in my life. Relative to others, this 'burden' is so small that it's laughable. I can imagine eyeballs rolling right now. Including my own. But. I guess if I think about its implications on my career... Well let's not go there. Of course, of course, of course there are other much heavier burdens in life that are unthinkable to narrow-minded, sheltered me. 

Even though today was shitty, and even though my workload is mentally draining,

I think life for the first two weeks of school have treated me well so far. Objectively speaking. I'm still fairly up-to-date with my readings. Shitty class part but... whatever for now.

It's just all the angst I'm pouring towards myself that's making it shitty.

I need to loosen those fists in my heart. And it's not just academic-related fists. It's just... fists for everything. I wish I were a freshie and I could face everything cheerfully and bravely again without having to put on an act of bravado like I think I'm doing to almost everyone around me and sometimes even myself. Yet without these acts of bravado I don't think I'd last a day without crying or throwing a major tantrum.

I need to change this. I can't feel like I'm carrying the world on my shoulders for the next 13 weeks of the semester. 

Yeah, I need to relax those grips I've strapped around myself. 

But i need to find the handles of the straps first. It's hard to find them.

Sometimes the only way to find yourself is to get lost. Well, I feel quite lost now.

So after a shower... I guess I've found that elusive handle that I can pull to loosen those straps.
I just lack that basic self-confidence that most adults have. I don't trust myself to clean up my own shit because I've always had someone to help me clean up. I'm not used to being on my own in this world.
Well, I just need that leap of faith to start trusting myself more and to enjoy the value of what I'm learning. There was a point in class today when I just happened to stop asking myself when I was gonna class part, because there was something interesting in what the Prof just said. I think if I relaxed more I'd probably spot more interesting stuff about my lessons. And probably be happier at the same time. Ikr, I'm putting too much pressure on myself. Who the heck is so obsessed with class part? I think I must be one of the most stressed up people in law school. Or so it seems? *significant look*
For the past 12 years of schooling I don't think I've ever learnt how to trust myself or have that confidence in myself. It's something that's never been taught, in our schools' quest for, oh, instilling excellence and producing yet another batch of stellar students. I know I sound ungrateful. But I'm not making a totally exaggerated statement. I think it stems from going through 12 years of thinking I was part of the creme de la creme (oh what bullshit) and that I had nothing much to lose. So I'll  qualify my ungrateful statement with this-- I guess trust and confidence in myself cannot be taught. It can only be found within myself.
So yes, I need that leap of faith.
It's not a big leap.
To leap, I first need to let go of my grip. Let go of what's in those fists... and I'll land up somewhere else... probably in a better state of mind.
Also I guess everyone comes to a point in life where they realize the same thing as I do now. That they don't have enough trust and confidence in themselves. It's just a matter of time. Now I wish I had done worse at school last time... like failed everything and had to go for remedial lessons... and had a teacher tell me something like 'I'll be thankful if you can just pass this test for once'. My teachers always had nothing to say to me. I thought that was a good thing... but now I realize there's more to it.
Judge me all you want. You're probably thinking something like-- wah see la you never do badly before that's why now so emo. I know what you're thinking. But it's just a phase that I haven't gone through and need to go through now. And I'd totally understand if you feel like reading this was a waste of your time, really.
Also I've realized I really hate discussing my academics with anyone. Yes, even my family. Let this be an implied request.
And to myself: What's the meaning of life if you want to measure everything, or compare everything, instead of finding a meaning that genuinely fills your soul up?
I still remember the days when I genuinely loved what I was studying... I want to bring that feeling back. And for giving me that feeling, I'm grateful to my school even if I might have sounded otherwise earlier. Oh and of course I'm grateful to my mum. Oh and my brother.
Here's a snapshot of myself right now... not totally accurate though...you need to do one more thing...just imagine a pile of readings next to me...

By the way that's Grumpy Cat, if you didn't already know.

Maybe it's time to quench that rage I've been feeling. :/

Also this is making me quite happy ahaha

I've got pompholyx! It means tiny water-filled lumps on my fingers that are itchy. Googled it today. Apparently it can be caused by stress (or moisture, or detergents, etc.). It must be the stress.
:/



But at least I have some chill music and a nice view out the window to do some readings to. As well as that UK radio station that I like to listen to.

Also I don't get my prop law readings. T_T :'( Who the heck writes like that?
Decided to eat pau for dinner and asked my mum to help me buy. But turns out all the buns were SOUR. Oh goodness. :( :( :(
:(