BLAHxinfinity today was such a sleepy/boring day that I wanted to hide my head in a hole. I think leess saw me about to fall asleep with my eyes half-closed.

And I went to check my scores, not very good. Was trying to comfort myself and make myself content, which is what I regularly used to do. I think I still do it now. But apparently it's not good to be content! There's some truth in that. Trying to make peace with yourself is not always good because you end up accepting all the bad things about yourself and the world. And you become disillusioned: oh my, am I really that horrible? Let's just stay with that, because I AM that horrible. Oh my, is the world really so hopeless? That's the way it is. I can't change that, it's just a dark and dreary place. It's just running away from your faults and everything else that's bad.
I'm not really upset about the scores actually. It's just a trigger for all these thoughts.

Slightly unsettled and at a loss now. It's not like I'm facing a post-teen crisis. This is not a major problem. It's just that I know there's work to be done, but I don't know where to start. Especially KI. And everything else basically!

Sometimes I think I'm a person with such horrible habits and I comfort myself and think, that's the way I am. If I force myself to change I'd sacrifice my happiness. But seriously, is all this pampering the way to go? I don't know. Maybe I should implement drastic measures. That I would make myself follow.

I should stop listening to other people and implement my own standards and come up with a lifestyle. I should stop my impromptu planning everyday.
This might sound grand but don't expect to see any drastic changes in me.

I also feel somewhat at a loss, although that's in the bigger scheme of things. I don't know where I want to go after JC. I wouldn't mind staying here, but if there's another choice out there, out of Singapore, why not? Although I suppose the place you study at doesn't really matter, as long as you've got the determination you could succeed anywhere. If I go overseas, I'm sure it will be a life-changing experience because I would be fending for myself in a foreign place, probably alone. Settling all the bills, the laundry, meals, accommodation, visiting a doctor by myself, getting winter clothing, etc. And when I think of all these I always picture myself getting swindled somehow or the other. By different people.
If I stay here, I would definitely have an easier life.
I haven't come to a conclusion, of course. I think I will once I've settled on a course. What? Social Science? Biology? I can't picture my future self working in a lab though.
But the thing about being young is, it's not about what you can't see. It's about...possibilities.

I could be annoyed or frustrated about all this decision-making now, but I think when I'm all grown-up I'll look back on these times with fondness. Imagine being young, with all the world laid out in front of you, and everywhere you could go! Imagine being old, having some paths well-trodden, and some paths left abandoned in your memory.
Basically, even if you don't have a dream, it's still quite a nice feeling to be able to wonder, to imagine. In this sense I feel I'm fortunate. If I grew up in a poorer country, I would probably not have the luxury of pondering over my education like this. For this I'm grateful.

Setting your own standards takes a lot of believing in yourself, and knowing what you really want to dedicate your life to. I could believe in myself more. I could search harder for that thing I would really be passionate about. It takes time. But I'm worried it takes too much time, and imagine if I'm 50 years old and I'm still trying to decide.
Is it just myself the problem lies with, or is it because I'm limiting my dreams to the few that society deems elite?

Gotta keep afloat everyday. Some days are simply delightful, some are downright tiring. I perk up best when I talk to people.

!@#$ just spent like 1 hour typing all this and surfing the Net and not doing any work.