Some fascinating thoughts:
1. I'm looking at other law schools' modules (because I am still weighing the benefits of going for exchange) AND I really prefer their syllabi. I'm talking about UK schools.
Why?
a) They spread out some modules over 1 year instead of half a year (e.g. tort law, property law, equity and trusts). Now THAT makes so much more sense. Based on my experience, we are extremely prone to walking out of class either feeling like we've learnt nothing at all or feeling like no amount of studying is ever going to help because every class just makes us feel more confused than ever. More than once, I've thought that I would be able to understand my stuff so much better if only I had more time to absorb them. PLUS random holidays like Easter and summer break for me to mull over deep dark concepts. Here, we just force-feed ourselves readings with no rest for 13 weeks and that's how we prepare for exams in week 15. (This kind of method could work both ways: either it produces extremely fine foie gras or... I don't know, you think about it.)
Sorry, I'm exaggerating again, and I know exaggeration and tantrums cloud judgement, but there is more than a grain of truth in there.
And it could just be the saying "the grass is always greener on the other side" at work.

b) They have interesting modules.
Okay, we do too. But they have wacky modules about things such as how law interacts with gender perceptions. Do we?

I guess you should know by now that I'm really not proud of it. And I'm not proud of myself. The only thing I applaud myself for is my perseverance. (Try asking me what achievements I've had recently that I'm proud of, and you'll be greeted with a resounding silence. This is me, stripped bare of flamboyant flourishes, and this is me, distilled down to perseverance, and reeking of neuroticism.)
AND please pretend you don't know which school I'm from. I don't want to be sued for defamation. I don't want to impose my views on anyone. I mean, I would be absolutely fine with it everyone else was happy at school and I'm the only who's not. So please take my views with many pinches of salt.

2. I realize that I'm in the deep end of the pool.
I'm definitely the phytoplankton in the ocean. As a prof has reminded us, we are the phytoplankton in the ocean and we've gotta work real hard to prove our salt. Sorry, our chlorophyll.
I can't float along with the currents aimlessly. I need to a) know what I'm doing; b) why I'm doing it; c) do it good.
This was a rather startling thought that shook me out of my blissful holiday oblivion. I should be able to return to that oblivion tomorrow.

3. I am as indecisive as ever.
I cannot decide if I should go on exchange or not. I've changed my mind every few days. (Kind of telling, what if next time I cannot decide if I want to get married, or have kids, or... whatever. Whatever.)
On one side of the scale, there's all the stuff like adventure, the unknown, the thrill of being in a different environment, self-discovery and freedom. Sure it will be tough; an exchange is not an extended holiday, especially if you're talking about a law exchange. But it will be... a different scenery. Also, I estimate that the demand for student exchanges will go up in 2015 Fall, whereas demand seems low/non-existent (not sure though) for 2015 Spring. Vague, uncertain ideas that seem to promise adventure. 人不可以留在安全区，不然不会前进. Is this something I would regret not doing 5 years down the road?
On the other side of the scale:
a) Parental (dis)approval
b) Money (I would be draining my family's finances; that's something I would not be proud of; it's not my money I'm spending but somebody else's hard-earned money).
For UK, the cheapest option seems to be University of Southampton.
c) I will probably miss out on all the internship and training contract applications if I'm on exchange. And... I'm not sure how serious the repercussions are if I miss out on them. Either I'm lucky and I get accepted when I come back anyway, or... I don't.
d) Can I really take care of myself in a foreign land? Although I'm pretty sure that's something I could learn, it would come with... some unhappiness.
e) How much am I really going to benefit from an exchange? Am I simply overrating overseas universities?

4. I wish I could be easier to understand.
I don't know what to do with myself. Other people sure seem to know what they want to do with themselves. A comforting thought is I'm pretty sure I'm learning about this as I enter my 20s.
So, because I had nothing to do and I wanted to stay on the computer to listen to my favourite songs on YouTube, I did some random personality tests on Oprah Winfrey's website, which didn't help because I'm still as confused as ever. And I shall be pasting the results here for myself to refer to in future. I'm gonna sound really self-absorbed (if I haven't already); stay away if self-absorption disgusts you. Or you can go do it if you want to: click HERE.
Striving style:

Striving to Help: 7

Striving to Be Recognized: 8

Striving to Be Creative: 9

Striving to Be Spontaneous: 10

Striving to Be Knowledgeable: 9

Striving to Be Secure: 7

Striving to Be In Control: 6

Striving to Be Spontaneous

You are an adventurer: Action-oriented, curious, outgoing, and often technically gifted, you live for new experiences. You are drawn to risk-taking and aren’t afraid to fail. Generally restless, you tend to job-hop or choose a field that offers constant novelty. If you had to name your favorite place, it might be the center of attention—you’re a born entertainer, and can easily adapt to any audience. While you collect many acquaintances, you’re less likely to develop deep, committed relationships.
What to watch out for: When you can’t satisfy your thirst for variety and excitement, you may see yourself as trapped, which can lead to impulsive and self-destructive behavior—drinking, drugs, breaking off relationships, ditching financial responsibilities. Try to find value in some traditions; if you learn to appreciate repetitive experiences, you won’t always feel the urge to bust free. And when a new opportunity thrills you, keep in mind that just because it sounds exciting, that doesn’t mean it’s good for you.
Looking ahead: Life will have meaning for you as long as you feel stimulated. That might mean chasing twisters, exploring the polar ice caps, getting a degree in dance therapy, or becoming an astronaut. It might also mean reading new books, attending workshops, or letting yourself get swept up in an intoxicating romance. As a risk-lover with a lot of energy, you’re a natural entrepreneur. You’ll be happiest if you change jobs every so often and travel extensively. Movement is what keeps you going.

Career recommendations:
Coach, Police Officer, Events Promoter, Family Lawyer, Nutritionist, Investigator, Broker, Travel Agent or Tour Operator.

Oh... okay. Family lawyer?? Maybe. But now I don't want to believe my test results. 

What's holding me back?

Fear of Success

You're fairly confident in your abilities, but you balk at the pressure of maintaining success once you have it. You know that your achievements will breed higher expectations, and you worry that you won't be able to meet them. You may even be experiencing what psychologists call impostor syndrome, the fear that those around you will discover you're not really as talented or competent as they think. People who fear success often credit their achievements to circumstances rather than to their talent and other assets. The key for these people is to accept responsibility for their accomplishments. Many of my clients find this simple exercise helpful: Think of a recent success—say, a new account that you won. Now make a list of the skills and qualities you drew on to win it—determination, intelligence, creativity, charm.… (If you're struggling, ask a friend for help; others can often see your assets more clearly than you can.) Make this exercise a habit each time something goes well at work. Once you begin to see your strengths in action every day, you will recognize that you are, in fact, well-equipped to tackle whatever challenges lie ahead.

Ha. Imposter syndrome. So familiar. Think of a recent success-- now that's really hard, and here's where you'll be greeted with said resounding silence. All I really possess is my perseverance.

Maybe I should plan out my syllabus if I stayed here vs if I went overseas... may help a bit in decision-making. Decisions...

So tired. 

:D Reward for reaching here. (okay, it may not be a reward to you...)

Everytime I apply for an internship I feel extremely tired of typing the same pleasantries over and over again. I must have sent over 30 emails already.
Everytime I get a rejection letter ("sorry, no space", "sorry, we're full") I get slightly pissed. And vaguely worried. Like what, the competition for internships is so stiff? Or is it a nice way of telling me I suck?
(Also I need to explain that I need to fulfil 10 weeks of internship so I can graduate, which is why I'm even bothering to apply in the first place)
And then after that I think about it and realize that there isn't much of a rush because there'll be many more opportunities again next year May-July. And hopefully I will look more eligible because by then I would have completed 3 years of school and so I would be supposedly smarter. Or maybe I would look shittier because my GPA would be even lower than it is now. (wow, shittier is a word, it's not underlined in red?)
And then I think about all this shit again and say, 船到桥头自然直, IDGAF anymore. Even if nothing good comes out of this, I can tell myself that I did my best and no, I'm not gonna be jobless next time anyhow. Because I have lowered all expectations already, I don't need a lawyer job, I will settle for any job (with a comfortable pay) next time.
I know my dream is to make the world a better place, somehow, next time, and I'll figure that out next time if I can't figure it out right now. Sometimes the world is such a bitch.
Sometimes I think I put too much pressure on myself for no reason at all. I need to fix that. 

人不可以留在安全区，不然不会前进. - Kevin Cheng/郑嘉颖

Yes, yes! Here's a guy with not just the looks but also the ambition. <3 p="">
While I agree wholeheartedly with him, I realize I have been making concessions on that belief, for the reason that I don't truly believe in my abilities yet. Oh well, I'll take life as it comes, but I'll still keep that quote in mind.

Another quote that I've recently fallen in love with: 既来之，则安之.

HAHAHA. Life now is super shiok. Nothing to do all day but watch dramas/knit/read books/cook dinner/run random errands. 简单快乐.

What's been happening in my holidays so far:
1. went to river safari with c and c!
cute animals, good company.
2. watched divergent
Divergent was really good! It was so full of life, so full of youthful energy, both of which law school seriously lack. I may watch it again. :)

The previous post was about me seriously doubting if I have the ability to take care of myself in a foreign country for 6 months. I don't think so. And I can't find any other law person who wants to go on an exchange, to be my travel buddy. (the exchange is between law schools so it's no use finding anyone from other schools). So, nope. So, dream ended. Maybe it's time to face up to reality. 2 more years in this awful place. Nope, I have to adjust my mindset-- it's not an awful place. And nope, my heart doesn't twinge whenever I talk about law school.
I guess the trick to being free is unlocking the doors in my own heart, and not unlocking physical doors.
Nothing is perfect.
And a lot of things are far from perfect.
Wake up, sissy.

3. i'm looking forward to watching a hong kong drama with kevin cheng in it since my aunt has the dvd/cd.

4. i'm watching bu bu jing qing as well

梦醒了。 回去现实中，心有些沉，但知道自己固然是开心的。

One day, I was complaining about how if I had a choice I wouldn't study some of the compulsory modules we are made to study. Said it with a lot of conviction and annoyance. Gave no thought to it after that. But I realized today that underlying that schoolgirl's lament was a very real lack of inspiration.
I know I'm not giving up though. Giving up on what? Giving up on a dream that I chased 2 years ago that has turned out to be very different. And which has started fading around the edges cos I'm not even sure if I'll catch that dream.
Is life about seeking inspiration? Or is it about finding a way to earn money and settle down? Sure, they aren't mutually exclusive, but in my petty schoolgirl world where no one gives a damn whether I learn anything in class and then penalizes me for the crap work I hand in, the crap work which I spent days perfecting, it feels mutually exclusive.

I realize that I have a tendency to exaggerate. But there's more than a grain of truth in there.

So this semester is over. I don't really want to talk about how it went. Sure, it passed with more than its fair share of tears. But they were probably petty, schoolgirl tears. I've learnt a few things that I can't quite put into words. 可是说了只会越描越黑, 自己就越搞不懂自己. What I can say, and know how to say, is that I've learnt that whatever I do, I MUST know why I'm doing it. A reason that comes to my lips easily, not a generic one.

And so I watched another round of BBJX. :') I just realized that it's a commentary about how guys are selfish, power-hungry creatures. That's a recurring theme. I've also realized that the Chinese language is really beautiful and concise. English is relatively vague, and that's a problem which gives judges, lawyers and law students headaches. Not sure if law in Chinese would be more concise though. I've started to be a fangirl of Kevin Cheng as well. Some people can just light up the world with a smile. Kevin Cheng's one of them.

School once inspired me. Now it has ceased to inspire. Now I need to search for it myself, fight for it, and treasure the little droplets of inspiration that I find in my life everyday. I'll lap it all up like a thirsty dog stranded in the Sahara. I'll march on. To find an oasis? Hopefully. It could just be a long march into nothingness.

MY OTP.
THEY ARE MY OTP.

No. 4 is just a creepy guy! Come on, 8 is the one who protects her all the time and 4 is just making strange, creepy and untimely advances on her.

THEY ARE MY OTP AND NOTHING WILL CHANGE THAT. :')

Does anyone even know what spontaneity means anymore?
I do know it but I feel like I'm being constrained within the confines of my own home. Prisoner in my own country.

no rest until i finish my target for today
nope
no watching bbjx again
no no no

Now I just read a poem on Facebook. And reading it has helped to cure some of my hatred.

The Laughing Heart

your life is your life

don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.

be on the watch.

there are ways out.

there is a light somewhere.

it may not be much light but

it beats the darkness.

be on the watch.

the gods will offer you chances.

know them.

take them.

you can’t beat death but

you can beat death in life, sometimes.

and the more often you learn to do it,

the more light there will be.

your life is your life.

know it while you have it.

you are marvelous

the gods wait to delight

in you.

I'm going to search for my light. 

I'm going to be accountable for my actions.

It may not come for a long while, but I'll wait. 

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I hate my life.
I hate how I can change it if I want to but I have no guts to do it.
I hate my life.
I hate that I'm being controlled. I hate that I'm controlling myself. I hate everything.

Maybe my opinion will change over time. Maybe I'm just passing through a rough phase. Maybe I'm just too fking tired today but I can't sleep.
I can only hope.

All you people sitting comfortably on your pedestals
Will never understand what it feels like to be one of us
What for, anyway?
We are just tools of the trade
All we need is some hammering, pounding and carving
To become one of those shiny tools
Hanging on a shelf
Waiting to be used
Rusting
Wasting away
Turning to dust.

Thanks for slashing me into pieces. The pieces were floating in my torso, like broken pieces of ice from an iceberg.

Maybe it has woken me up from my dream for the better.
Maybe it was woken me up into a series of nightmares that never gets better.

In any case, dream or nightmare, my previous post stands. I don't back down or break down so easily. I never do and there's no reason to do so. Sure, I have my emotional moments. But I'll morph back into my usual (scarred) self in no time. Life goes on.

I am no one.
I am nothing.
I have been penalized like shit.
I have either been rejected or left hanging without an answer.
BUT I AM STILL GOING TO TRY MY DARNED HARDEST.
Because that's all I have. And I am going to hold my head up high. And maintain it there.

Tears are transparent so you can hide them from the world in plain sight (if the tears accumulate around your lower eyelids and don't roll down).

I'm not proud of them. And I secretly despise them. I don't want anyone to know. (Well, now you know, since you're reading, but that's okay, because you are far away). 

But stop them soon, because I need to concentrate on another exam. 

I know I've tried my best. And I need to maintain my stamina for tomorrow and for next week's exams.  I shouldn't be too hard on myself. Life is worth more than that. (Although I never knew I was this fragile)

Put this out of your head. This is not a serious issue.
I really need to start planning alternative career plans. I don't want to live around people who callously and carelessly pass judgement on other people's hard work with a few vague comments. At least explain why, and what you are actually looking for, so my paper doesn't feel like a huge waste of my time. 

What I think I've figured out is, it's really important to know what your goal is. I know we've been told this by many people many times, but it's hard to know the meaning of what people are trying to say sometimes.
If my goal is to measure up to a certain definition of 'success', I'll be extremely panicky and touchy about all the work I'm doing. Like some people I observe around me. I will feel like wringing everyone's neck for the simple reason that they exist.
If I tell myself I have a gift, and my goal now is to hone it and then help other people in future, then we're finally talking. I do have a gift. So do you and so does everyone else. We're all relatively smart people, aren't we? That is a gift. My inspiration is from the nun who sang on The Voice Italy-- when the judge asked her why she was auditioning, she said, "well I have a gift and I'm giving it to you, doesn't it work that way?" That was really cute.
Even with this in mind, it still won't be easy.
But at least it takes out all the unnecessary fear and animosity. And it makes it easier to accept everyone around you.
Fear and animosity are poison, and they cloud your judgement.

My judgement was clouded.

I don't think I should have felt so angsty over nothing at all. 

Like I said, extra pair of discerning eyes.

Click: The 10 things happy people don't believe in
Very true. Realized I've subconsciously learnt some of them, rather painfully, after 2 years in university. Not sure why I didn't learn them earlier, in sec sch or jc. Maybe I was just not that aware. And we were not so strung up. Now everything seems more acute.
Head in the air and feet on the ground.

Maybe it would provide you with an overly biased view if I stuck to my previous post. To qualify, all I'll say is, I will keep my new perspective but I will ditch the other emotional words.
One must always remember to not be filled with hatred. And I should count my blessings. And realize that there's actually meaning in what I'm doing right now. #peace

I need to stop placing such damaging expectations on myself. I've been engineered and brainwashed in the later half of my education to pursue 'excellence' and not settle for anything less than that. No. No thanks. That life is for robots and exceptionally talented people. I am smart, but I am not exceptionally talented. Screw excellence. It's a dangerous, infectious word.
I've learnt, and am still learning, to be happy with where I am and where I want to be. It's an art. And I'm going to keep perfecting it. I'm going to preserve my spirit, my youth, my love for life. I'll say goodbye to society's ideals of success. Go back and sit on your decadent pile of cash.
If I ever start to love the kind of life I once pursued, it will be on my own terms. It will be because I realized that it could be my calling. It will not be for the sake of 'excellence'.
This doesn't mean I'm giving up. It just means I've grown an extra pair of eyes, a pair of more discerning eyes that knows what happiness and contentment looks like.

I need to break free. I need to leave this place which has morphed into an almost-nightmare of people with amorphous moralities. Amorphous moralities. It probably comes out of our insecurities. I don't say anything about it but I want to admit, it's eating me up inside. A small part of me.
What's morality anyway?
I need to press on. I need to put in my best effort.
And then, only then, I'll think about breaking free.
But thinking about being free doesn't mean I will definitely be free. There's a cage about me.
sobs.

Leave me alone.
I'll show myself when I've put my mask on.

I'm not sure if I'm thinking too much about the amorphous moralities bit but one thing is clear. I wanna break free. Or at least, I want to find something that proves me wrong.

My heart's beating faster, I know what I'm after
I've been standing here my whole life
Everything I've seen twice, now it's time I realized
...
Cause I keep running, running running... from my heart

Only Adam Lambert (and his team of songwriters) can write such rousing lyrics. Woot!

Somebody told me I'm becoming crazy from staying at home and mugging law all day. #ikr #nochoice #backtostudying #beingcrazyainteasy

Cristiano Ronaldo:

Your love makes me strong, your hate makes me unstoppable.

*placidly continues revising*

Turn the lights down low
Walk these halls alone
We can feel so far from so close

No idea how to study for consti. Watching The Voice UK and I'm so glad that Jermain Jackman won! :D 'Cos his voice is really the best/sexiest. Following his journey throughout The Voice for fangirling's' sake and I'm proud to announce that I've developed a mini-crush on him. Hahaha. Incredibly, just by appearing on the show, he's reminded me to be humble and that there's a lot of meaning behind my (or collectively, 'our') existence, if only I was willing to find it.
*back to figuring out how to study for consti*
You probably won't get how sexy his voice is until you listen to this:

You can't change people. (with the exception of, perhaps, our mothers. Our mothers can change us.) Bluntly put, everyone (me included) is too arrogant to accept advice from others. Charitably put, everyone has a right to their own life. You can only accept people, and in the best cases, love them.

Really hard to concentrate on work when my mind is zooming around everywhere else and singing the Queen song, "I Want to Break Free".
Nothing has an answer. Every question we have is met with blank looks and earnest 'I don't know's.
So why care so much anyway? Just do whatever's within your control. And stay true to yourself. And remember YOLO. No point feeling sad or lost because it's not going to make any difference.

Can't do anymore work at 2 am. Brain is protesting. I feel like in some ways, all that flurry of activity and readings has made me lose some of my common sense (to quote a prof who cautioned us not to lose our common sense in uni). Good thing that I realized I guess. :)

I'm having a semi-crush on a musician who calls himself Rhodes. <3 nbsp="">