I'm going to be a hermit. >(

This post is just blogger diarrhea.
Haiz feeling quite overwhelmed now with all the things I have to do. I've been making mental notes all day to do things that are behind time, but I haven't jotted them down, so now I just have this feeling of having lots of things to do but not a clear idea of what to do.
It's all I can do to stop myself from going to sleep. I don't even feel like packing stuff for swimming or wtv lesson tomorrow.
I guess the best plan for now is to do something now at least and do up a plan tomorrow.
Gilbert O' Sullivan looked so carefree hammering away at the piano and singing, but how much pain did he experience and how much hard work did he put in just to make it to that stage?
No idea where I want to study for university. My mum says I should go to NUS because I can't take care of myself overseas, given the way I whine (when she's around). But I guess I shouldn't limit myself and I shall take a quick glance at all the possible UK universities and NUS collectively tomorrow/saturday and come up with a Grand Plan of World Domination. >< right.
I think school should stop NOW and we should all stay at home and do our own revision through e-learning and consults can then be booked with teachers on our own initiative. Roar. No one listens to the Supreme-Ruler-of-the-Universe-wannabe.
Sigh so crazy bye.
Oh yeah my brother came home just now and started manhandling me (more or less) and I wondered how I could have missed him yesterday. Haiz. He says he hasn't played with me for a long while. I guess that's how you feel with siblings. You get manhandled by them but miss them when they aren't around to manhandle you. How cheap.
I guess insanity is really the best response to many things in this world. I don't know. Insanity as in, weird things you do when you try to indulge yourself in escapism. You can't take the long struggle, so you just do weird things to keep your mind from wandering, so you can continue doing what you're supposed to do. Haiz.
Decided to end this post on a positive note, so:

From http://celebmancrushblog.files.wordpress.com. Yeah.
So kewt. :3

As I opened blogger I realized I need to plan my time more so that I don't end up sitting in front of the laptop for the whole night, like I did yesterday (although I was doing something legit; but still it wasn't worth 4 hours)

I really like the voice of the lead singer of Keane, it's so wispy. But where has the band disappeared to?


Silence does not mean reproach. Silence does not mean indifference. Rather, silence is tiredness. It means anger which has simmered over-- the person doesn't feel this anger is worth expressing and she'd rather let it evaporate with time. In this silence, you can't help but feel a tiny bit insecure, but it's a good way for you to reflect and recollect your consciousness (Where has my brain gone to?). It makes you realize that so many of the words you utter every day are so worthless.

I kind of miss my brother, he's so busy he's hardly home. But I guess he's experiencing a sort of freedom -- he's doing what he likes. With a catch: it takes at least 15 hours everyday.

For me, silence is freedom. At least for today.

Some people talk and talk
and never say a thing.
Some people look at you
and birds begin to sing.
Some people laugh and laugh
and yet you want to cry.
Some people touch your hand
and music fills the sky.

Poems can be read over and over again but their value doesn't ever diminish.

Sometimes I think I project my personality onto others. I project my flaws onto others, so I see them in a bad light. But at least I've realized this, so I should be more objective next time!
I realize I like to spam songs here. Here's a classic, old song. :)

Oh my, I thought I was finishing but I came home and realized I still have about 1/3 left. !@#$
Also, this is a wonderful song! Why did I stop listening to his songs for so long? :3

"Don't regret."
Will you regret in future what you're doing now? O:

Education (Mine)

I think I've got some personal thoughts about that letter. Short ones.

My first thought was, hey, that was exactly how I felt in Sec 3 and 4. I do remember blogging about how I felt like a product in a factory, something along this line. Especially during Chinese-- I didn't like writing expositions because there was such a tight structure to follow. It kind of killed my interest in Chinese. Not sure if this is an excuse for my dropping Chinese abilities, but it's still true in some ways.

CME lessons were a huge bore. The teacher's face showed that she felt that same way too.

I've learnt to memorize chunks of information (in secondary school)-- during IH, during Biology. But during Lang. Arts and Math I think I relied more on my powers of reasoning more. In JC I realized vaguely that that was meaningless. Now, however, I still revert back to the old method of memorizing-- uses less energy but it's not so effective in the long run.
I remember how, one day, during a certain consult, our teacher emphasized painstakingly to us that we had to think, take time to think even during an exam. He said we have better brains than we think we do and we should not regurgitate content. It sounded almost like he was begging us to think, the way he said it.

I think I was attracted to KI because I felt it would help me question ideas more, and not just accept any knowledge I was fed with. And it did, I think it's the most meaningful subject I study now. It's not practical-- Biology and Chemistry would be practical-- but that hardly matters. The founders of KI, the teachers of KI-- they are my heroes. I think I'd be a more disturbed individual than I am today if there hadn't been any KI in my life.

My brain jams when I think of KI. Now all I can think of is RACING AGAINST TIME OMG!

In praise

Today's CT session was a like a breath of fresh air. They invited Royston Tan over! I think he appeared in ny last time. Before this, I dismissed him as a rookie director who was only famous for the movie 881--just a weepie, nothing else that's interesting about it. Today, I was inspired by how there are still people in our arts industry who doggedly 'do their own thing' and not conform to external standards. I wouldn't have realized this if he hadn't come to our school to talk.
On another note, do listen to this, it brightens up your day. :3

Today marks the end of a fruitless weekend.
I spent it watching Harry Potter on Friday evening :3
On Saturday I recuperated from Harry Potter Syndrome, by trawling the net for videos on the pretext of doing some thinking.
On Sunday, today, I did some thinking-- but that was all I did, there wasn't much writing-- and tried recuperating a bit more from the Syndrome. Then I went to the Scholarship Fair, and emerged from it feeling a little more inclined towards studying overseas, but still sticking with the decision to try for NUS first.(unless I make a decision to study something like occupational therapy, then I'll probably go overseas?)Then I came back and did more thinking--but that was all I did, there wasn't much writing.

Quite a bit of enjoyment this weekend but I feel like I'm stuck at the bottom of a well now. >(

If I don't treasure my future, nobody else will... Sounds a little melodramatic, but there's some truth in it, quite a large part of my career hinges on what I do to my life these few months.

One of my crazier takeaways from the scholarship talk was that I might like to study something crazy like another language e.g. ___ culture and studies. But it's not practical. And I'll get bored of it after a few days.
Another not crazy but quite earnest takeaway was that I might like to try for journalism after all. (But one reservation I still have is that I don't fancy doing crazy things and writing an article about how I spent a stupid day doing a stupid something just to write an article to bore readers about a stupid day I had.) So maybe I'd study PPE...?
Another extremely practical and not crazy takeaway was that I could study bio-engineering.
I have sort of made a decision, though, which is that I think I'd like my university studies to have at least a philosophy component.

Apparently I'm strange. Am I strange?
That's such a narcissistic question. It's rhetorical. Don't answer it.

Anyway, here's a wonderful soundtrack. It fits my mood, because I can anticipate impending doom and suffering. But in movies, suffering always brings with it a tinge of beauty, so... enjoy this... :3
Here goes.
(I think it would look quite ugly/scary on my blog if I embedded it.)

I have renewed my slight obsession with Harry Potter.
It has been a great story. :3
And the actors are so cute :D

I think I'm incapable of any other kind of writing except fangirl-speak now, because I'm trying very hard to think of how to change my IS to the way it's supposed to be, but I'm getting distracted by blooper videos and malfoy videos and snape videos and soundtracks.

My brother is trying to sing. I think he's drunk. (figuratively) He just came home all sweaty, from the hospital? He's in his own world... he can read this but he's not bothering about me at all. And he keeps spouting the phrase "fail A levels" randomly, to warn me about the perils of slacking. Now he's singing the Soviet Anthem. =.= And drowning out Darren Criss' voice in the process.
So bored, and I got infected by Potter-mania! So I took some patronus quiz and my patronus is a dolphin. Okay.
It's very hard to revert back to my mugger-self, but I have to do it sooner or later. Especially for you-know-what, which has a consult on 2 weeks time O:.
Here's some motivation material. ^_^

I'm not good at encouraging people, so I've taken a leaf out of my economics teacher's book and I'll put this video here. Because I kind of notice there's quite a few people who are getting very wound up; it's clearly written on their faces even if sometimes they don't say it. The point of the video is the crawling bit. Not very subtle, but the message is there.

Come, it's the last lap of a 6-year education, mug it but enjoy it as hard as you can... You (and I) would probably be feeling like you're stuck at the bottom of a well now, so remember to unwind first.
I've been unwinding lots, I watched glee mtvs today, watched ai (huge waste of time I thought, I think maybe my taste in TV is improving), watched the noose, and I'm feeling immensely guilty now. Guilt is just a side effect. Action is what we aim for!
On a side note I think rachel and blaine (glee) make a wonderful couple, too bad they aren't.
Am I slacking too much???

This quote is inspiring.
"Thou shalt not follow a multitude to do evil." (from Exodus 23:2)

Disclaimer: I don't need to be a Christian to quote, and the same goes for any other religion I might quote from in future.

I can hear my neighbours quarreling downstairs. What a peaceful Sunday morning.

I can't really stand this impulse to blog when I turn on the computer. I kind of miss the first half of life at hc, because they were not like now-- at least they were full of different activities! Listening to a song called Seventh Night of July now, apparently it's a band piece, and I found that out when band people started randomly posting "It's the seventh night of july!" on facebook... Kind of miss the days we were practising hard together. But it's hard to envision myself heavily involved in any kind of music next time.
Today in school the lessons were full of revision plans... and yesterday we were treated to a 45 minute speech.
I was told recently that if I find that writing is easy, it must be because I'm writing crap. Wow... tough work, tough work ahead... and it's not like there wasn't tough work before already... But it was said out of goodwill; it wasn't an insult. I have been constantly surprised at how people (note: plural) can be so encouraging and observant. It helps. I should reciprocate.

Here's an interesting link by our class' GP teacher. Ohoho. How interesting. But how disturbing, even depressing, that the writer reduces any national spirit we have into something ironic and petty...


For an awesome piano version, click! Wow!

I realized that today's horribleness could only be adequately described in Chinese. Somehow I felt that writing it down in English would be too shallow, and that would only multiply my misery. Somehow, it felt good to think in Chinese; it was even fun to try to recall how to write certain words. (oops)

A few weeks ago I decided that I'll take up another language after the a's, maybe french, maybe japanese, maybe even something obscure like russian. But I realized it would be a joke if I ignored my mother tongue for a third language.

I guess English is a language for business, and since I'm more proficient at it I've turned it into my language for thinking too. But sometimes when it comes to murkier discussions on other things, Chinese serves better (at least it did for today).

Today I was impressed with the idea that behind every genius (and there are tons of geniuses close at hand) is a sheer lot of hard work and emotional wreckage. Just think of how you've read about famous writers who've reflected about their writing experiences. I think there was this guy, erm, Joseph Conrad, who wrote something and got a nervous breakdown after that because he, well, put so much of himself into writing the book. I'm sounding doubtful on purpose, because I haven't brought myself into believing in something that is worth my sacrifice. Generally, I've realized that I don't believe in (or haven't believed in) true passion. Some people who are apparently passionate have just been shouting for the sake of making themselves heard, camwhoring for the sake of looking entertained themselves, and writing notes just to fill up that empty social circle. I'm very aware that this is a major accusation but I'm speaking from little impressions I've gathered. So it applies to very few people, and very few experiences. Oh and count in the fact that I'm probably referring to people whom I'm not close to, and so I probably have misinterpreted their actions since I don't understand them well anyway. I'm still very sure that there are many genuinely passionate people out there, and I know some of these people myself. And respect them for it. Point is, there is passion, and there is passion.

Sometimes it feels like life is one big facade because I lack it, in its purest form. Now I'm supposed to dedicate all my time into something I believe in but am not passionate about. But that's the way it is, as my mum said, there's not a choice; even she went through the same process. It's quite obvious that practicality should be ranked before vague lofty romantic ambitions I'm not even sure about.

Point being, come back down to earth. This should probably have been the first sentence, that might have saved lots of time.

Yes, today is liberation day! Which happens to mark the start of revision for prelims!:O Right whatever as if.

I'm amused at how the lyrics "say goodbye to my heart" from Animal sound like "take a bite of my heart". xD And I'm liking (what's her actual name) Rachel's voice more (in Glee). Mmm. Also, eye candy does not always have to be male (although it usually is). Another thing-- I realized Charice's voice is great!

Inane chatter much. I think my brain has been fragmenting through this whole year; it feels so squishy now.

Friends have lost no time in reminding me that the swimming module starts this term. I think I have a natural phobia of water o.o But I was quite good at swimming in primary school, then in secondary school I lost it and now I'm a helpless lump of lard in water. At least lard floats easily, if it wants to. It's surprising to remember that I went for a scuba-diving trip in Tioman in Sec 2. Although one of my strongest memories of the trip was of me clutching my friend's (pam's) hand really tightly as she half-dragged me across the sea. Nothing very much to look at-- I only remember seeing brownish seaweed and vague shadows of fish swimming past (maybe we would have seen more if we had gone to deeper waters). I do wish now that I lived in a yellow submarine, in my own private little world which I could retreat into whenever I liked. Except that I think I'll be scared being surrounded by all that water.

Cure your blues.

I can't get rid of this dreary feeling in me. It's like my brain has accumulated cobwebs already. Today I spent my day lounging around the house with my chemistry notes in one hand (trying to study) but obviously got very distracted... by songs, by the scenery outside the window... etc. Then filled my brain with fluffy happy songs (Glee, of course) with help from mum's phone. Actually they are great songs, but today after listening to Animal on repeat I felt a bit sick.


Here's the non-glee version of Animal. Very good. The Glee version is awesomely adrenaline-high too, but I figured I should give the other bands more credit.

Gotta get out of this slump...
By extrapolation, life this November will be an extended version of this...long, drawn-out, mugging...(if I do mug.) (but not mugging during a levels= crazy or what??!)

Oh oh, I want some more. Oh oh, what are you waitin' for? What are you waiting' for? Say goodbye to my heart tonight.~~

It feels like the end of blocks already. I shall not give a full account of how I spent the rest of today after chem letting my brain rot.
Instead... here's a song! My brother has recently fallen in love with the Beatles, and I've figured he does at least have a grain of pop music appreciation in him after all, after spending a decade or so listening to classical music.



This song is so cute/jubilant; it made me laugh.

Although maybe it's just because today is a pretty happy day. Punctuated with thoughts of how boring my school life is. D:

Watched a random episode of Glee on (newly-installed) cable TV today :D :D :D