Always the same sinking feeling of regret halfway through blocks! But I think I'm very used to it by now, although that's not the point. The point is, this time I should take action to make it better...

Life; labelling; realizing that labels are pointless; you are what you really are without those names. My brain feels very fuzzy now-- time to sleep.

Today during math I was thinking how nice it would be if I were in math remedial.

Here's the song that was playing in my head when I was doing stats for math:

I read somewhere that day that people nowadays are apathetic because they rely on technology to purge all their dissatisfaction (e.g. blogging, like what I'm doing now) so they don't feel like rising up to action anymore.

There are a million and one things that can show that this statement is so not true. But it occurred to me today that it does have at least a grain of truth in it.

Meanwhile, surviving blocks with occasional doses of Harry Potter (reliving my childhood) and Darren Criss' voice :D

In vagueness lies happiness~ True, it lets you dream up possibilities infinitely.

:|

"Seize the day!"

"And then I got seized by the lawnchair."

- Stone Soup

Studying at home alone. Haiz. Sometimes I wish I had a dog or a little sibling. Maybe a dog because dogs can't talk. Now that sounds mean.

Got inspired. Here's a song. Listen to the lyrics! They are important. I doubt you've heard it before because it was released in 1974.

I heard a refreshing piece of advice the other day-- Brains are for thinking, not memorising. In an exam, take time to think! Don't plunge into the answer!

You know, I kind of forgot I could think!

Meanwhile I'm floundering in KI revision. The problem with learning KI is during lessons, sometimes it sounds easy so you don't bother with further reading, and sometimes it sounds like gibberish so you think it's not going to be relevant. But hey when you start revising you realize that actually there are so many issues to look at etc. Bad idea to start revising two days before the test. O:

What do I want to do with my life?

It's hard to decide.

Best thing to do now is STUDY LIKE ALL THE HORSES OF HELL ARE AFTER ME.

I was inspired when I read this interview by Hugh Herr (the guy on yesterday's Straits Times). He said, "People who are creative don't view life as a series of successes and failures. they view life as a process of discovery and inspiration. From that comes the fearlessness required for creation and the ability to believe in something that doesn't yet exist."

I guess my main response would be that failure does not necessarily signal the end of your future-- oh, you're doomed to be unemployed and you have to beg on the streets, things like that-- and success doesn't necessarily mean you're destined for great things next time-- with lots of recognition in your job, a high pay, etc.

Just be yourself and lead an equally fulfilling life.

Either aristotle or herodotus said that one's life is not happy until one is dead-- meaning you can only judge your life when you've passed on. I think it's Herodotus because I remember reading it in Neil Gaiman. So stop evaluating your life obsessively and just move on. (of course, some self-reflection every now and then would be perfect).

I think I'm blogging now because I haven't decided what to revise next. Hmm. Bye.

Go study and stop staring at me.

A smile says so much. Aesthetically one might not look extremely pleasing, but the smile lights everything up.

(in case you were wondering I'm not gazing starry-eyed at anyone now. I just flipped through some photos. and i had this warm fuzzy feeling. the photos didn't involve me at all btw.)

I feel kinda flabby now. Socially flabby, physically too. But now's not the time to lament about flabbiness; it's the time for urgh. Urgh is 9 days away.

Is a person still who he is, taking all his personalities away? I mean, we all have different personalities, don't we, in front of different people. What's the very core of a person's character? Would we all be very similar if only our cores existed?

Okay bye.

-- hours later--

“There are 10 types of people in the world; those who count in binary, and those who don’t.”

ARGH.

Today I realized that I haven't used my brain for a long long while. I always realize this before an exam.

I also realized that it's already the 3rd week of the holidays even though it feels like the 2nd week.

What an eventful day for my emotions!

I shall end it off with a nice dose of darren criss. :D on youtube, of course.

Now you see, he does not only have style, he also has the voice. :D

Alarm bell going off, it's 12 more daysssss.

So. I have been waiting for this moment ever since the beginning of this year. It is a dramatic moment. (At least for me). It is when I reward myself because nobody else will. It is when I cheer alone at home away from the eyes of anybody else. It is when I announce that...

I have completed the first draft of my IS.

*manic cheering*

Okay, it doesn't really feel like an accomplishment, a lot of it is just dramatization on my part. And also, it kind of sucks. It has a lame conclusion. But I'm not going to stop myself cheering for myself whenever I can.

Now to abandon it and to take a 2nd look at it... maybe a few days later. :)

My thoughts kept drifting today. And they drifted to...

My Post A-level Plans!

Given that I've about 9 or 10 months to myself, there's plenty for me to plan.

Currently I've signed up for an extension of my NUH project (that I did last December), even though a part of me wonders fervently why I've done that when I've no intention at all of entering Medicine. Another part of me replies that things can be done for fun and for the experience, or simply put, because "I just want to". Not everything I do needs to end up as a sparkling gem in my CV. I do hope the latter part of me is right. On the other hand, if it's true that everything I do now should be a sparkling gem on my CV, then I think I'd have nothing to do during my holidays because I still have no clear idea of what my career is going to be. Anyway, it can be quite interesting interviewing patients.

And I just realized that the other people I signed up with are all interested in studying Medicine next time. We probably have different expectations of our attachment, argh. I think I'm going to the slackest in the group, if we go.

Back to the topic. This attachment is only going to take up about 1 to 2 months. So I googled "what should I do during my holidays". (Yes, it's odd asking Google questions. It's like Google is some grand-old Life Advisor.) But lo and behold, this popped up: http://www.onlinevolunteering.org/en/vol/index.html

Sounds kind of interesting. But would they take an 18 year old? Maybe.

Other unformed plans about my holidays include doing some ocip, and having a part time job. An internship sounds rather impossible at the moment. That's about it...

I'm sure I want to go on a vacation first though.

Okay, enough day-dreaming, goodbye.

I'm really quite envious of my brother, who is off climbing Mount Fanzipan in northern Vietnam now, with sightseeing and good food to boot. (Now repeat "good food to boot" in your head. Doesn't it sound wonderful?) I'm not crazy about mountain climbing; in fact, the thing closest to a mountain I've climbed before is probably Bukit Timah Hill during OBS (was it OBS? I forgot). But it's about being away from this place that matters most. If you want to know what Mt Fanzipan could look like, then here you go: http://www.flickr.com/photos/hanoidays/51581952/

It looks like a furry green rug with spots of lint (they are actually the houses).

Right. So why do I feel like going away? Sometimes when I study, I feel like the whole world is imploding and I'm at the centre of it all. It feels really claustrophobic. It doesn't happen all the time, but it has happened twice in the past 3 days already. Today during Chemistry class I felt the urge to go jogging (quite unfathomable to the side of me that idolizes Garfield). Also felt quite bored and the teacher's voice seemed really loud to me.

Sigh.

I do feel better now, after dinner and watching Ai (yes, it's episode 680+ already) and a small dollop of ice-cream.

I guess this horrible feeling could be somewhat avoided if I just stop thinking about how I'm lagging behind my revision schedule and my BT2 grades. I should just focus on the moment and do whatever's sensible. If my sensibility fails me 3 weeks later, then at least it would have been sharpened. I should believe in my sensibility.

And seriously, it's just the first small (what do I call it?) obstacle/hurdle/event I have to go through for this year. I should just chill in a corner. With my notes.

A boy was running from a lion. He ran and ran, but he came to a cliff. He decided to jump down. Halfway down, he managed to break his fall by grabbing hold of a clump of grass. Death was certain both ways-- he couldn't climb back up for the lion was bound to be waiting for him, but he couldn't let go either. Then he noticed there were some strawberries growing on the grass.

"What do you think he should do?"

"Dunno."

"Eat the strawberries."

- Adapted from American Gods by Neil Gaiman

Anyway, I hope I didn't just make you depressed. Here's a song to cheer you up: The girl's voice has this clear and clean-cut quality that I like; it's like ice. Yup stolen from poey's plog.

I've come here to give some semblance of life to my otherwise robotic existence.

Okay, that was just meant as a catchy introduction. It doesn't really mean anything.

Other than realizing that The Deadline is coming ever closer, and getting awed everyday by the amount of revision I haven't done, I haven't really felt any other emotion the past few days.

Although on Saturday I had a huge bout of Student's Depression and I spent my day slacking around the house.

Still, there isn't any point getting moody over all this; I've faced it, I'm not emo-ing, this is my life! No one will think you are a heartless creature if you stop whining about your life.

-----

I was thinking of things I would say to my younger self. Here they are:

1) Don't read too deeply into things that teachers say. I mean, teachers are human, and all humans don't speak in abstract manners-- they go straight to the point.

2) Have a life and stop studying. Be a spoilt child and beg your parents to send you for classes-- not tuition, but maybe music lessons, dance classes, etc.

3) Get on the computer and learn how to use it. (I only really started using it regularly in Primary 6. Zzz

4) Talk more.

Yup, just thinking. I can't say I didn't have a childhood but I think it has potential to have been so much brighter.

My views of what self-worth consists of have changed a lot over the years. Sometimes I think that I shouldn't have thought like that when I was younger-- I was such a product of society. I don't really want to say what I mean by that. But it's not worth much of my thought now. Anyway, 10 years later, I'll probably think to myself again about how foolish I was when I was 18 years old.

------

Where do people go during the holidays? While I'm at home, while I'm outside with my family or by myself, where do people from school go? Do they still exist?

Duh, they do, but I mean, it's like a huge part of my brain that was dedicated to social interaction has suddenly emptied out.

Now that means I should have more brain capacity to do other stuff.

-----

Have I mentioned how cool X-Men was? :D

Now, Post-A's to do list item number one: WATCH THE X-MEN SERIES! :D

It's really not bad. It's better than the original.

Okay. Gotta stop slacking! 8( I think I'm just practising some form of escapism from revision. Just thinking about the amount of revision to do is enough to make anyone quake in his clothes.