Existentialist Depression Alert

I was getting lost in the drones of the engine of bus number 246 today and felt the day's lethargy creeping up on me.

Unexpectedly, I thought, what was I brought into this world for?

To lead a happy life! An enthusiastic little voice in me said. (Achieve Eudaimonia, Aristotle said so!)

And how do I lead a happy life?

A voice replied in deadpan: Just shut up and go finish your tutorials.

Next to me, my mum said, Remember to wash the toilet later.

This is not a very intelligent thing to think. But it really happened because I'm feeling really flat now.

And I haven't helped to do housework in about 10 weeks.

I just read P's blogpost and now I feel like I'm one of many fortunate Singaporeans who have the means to achieve anything in any field they choose to, but who lack the goals to do so. We are spoilt for choice when it comes to academic opportunities, but we don't know which one to focus our efforts on. So we go for everything. Cram our portfolio. Line our days and nights with activities. Compare this to teenagers living in poorer countries. I'm sure they're all brimming with dreams about their future but they don't have the financial means to go to school to break out of poverty. And here I am, living in comfort, but with no dream to call my own.

What do I live for?

Blogger's note: I'm not suicidal. See you people on Monday.

On hindsight, I do have a dream. It is to find one of my own.

I bought a book today, it's called Nocturnes by Kazuo Ishiguro. It has a pretty cover. :) And a pretty name too. I haven't started reading it yet.

Before that I watched Gnomeo and Juliet. O: I'm sure Cheryl agrees that it wasn't one of the better movies we watched LOL it was made for children. Still, pretty entertaining.

Red Riding Hood would probably have been a more rewarding movie experience haha. :D

Feeling pretty frustrated now, but I'm know I'm just being lazy for feeling like that. It's term 2 all over again... It is tiring knowing that I'm going to experience again what I've been experiencing for the past 10 years of my education... I sound like a delinquent...I shall not elaborate further.

Sigh yes there are always ways to make my daily routines better, and I know I will not hesitate to do them (like slacking off during work and sneaking peeks at Ai, the Channel-8-drama-for-aunties, and also peeking at the Channel-8-drama-at-9-pm-called-Happy-Birthday). It's actually quite a nice show, this drama at 9 pm.

Don't you doubt my taste.

Singaporean dramas aren't always bad. Chen Hanwei is a good actor. And there's eye candy.

Taiwanese dramas might have odd scripts (maybe we can't identify with their humour as much) but they are still interesting to watch.

It feels quite luxurious to have the night stretching away before me, setting aside all my work, and blogging about nonsense which you've just been reading.

Happiness is frail, relationships are fragile (not always).

Here's a cute song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T728aTfa5TU&feature=related

Now where has my working spirit gone to; I suppose I'll just let myself have a break this weekend.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pb2si7fClqA [to prepare myself for next week]

Just for Laughs asia was really funny. :D

Some people plan out their life. By 25, I'll finish my studies. By 30, I'll make my first million (well that's what TV dramas say). By 35, I'll get married. ETC ETC

But I have no plans at all. On the contrary, I have unplans. For example, I know I'm not going to be a doctor, lawyer, construction worker, or a public relations officer, or an athlete.

It's unsettling, because sometimes I think to myself, ohmy am I going to degenerate after I leave school and become a nameless faceless self-absorbed employee working in a huge huge company with no interests and no ambition etc. Am I going to spend everyday sitting at a table from 9 am to 5 pm and developing living-person-rigor-mortis?

Of course not.

Then what?

But wondering generally adds to the excitement.

Although you can tell I'm quite bored now.

Apparently Harris bookshop is having a $5 book sale. Talking to cheryl, I realize that our school's people are huge nerds. Everybody seems to go to bookshops after tests. On Thurs AND Friday we saw people from our school at bookshops. Kino and PageOne. Whut...

You know, some people are sunshine people and they literally burst with energy and make friends with everyone. They genuinely love people. Some people sit and gawk at these sunshine people. I think I belong to the latter group.

Must. Remember. That. Time. Is. Precious. And. I. Am. Majorly. Wasting. Time. Now.

Shall. Not. Be. Lazy. From. Tomorrow. Onwards. (hard to do though I won't be home.)

LOL I'm playing this game I saw Jess playing weeks ago, it's super funny. Go play.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/hitchhikers/game_nolan.shtml (it's a game about the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy.) I read the book and never got past the first 10 pages of it, I think. Hahah.

Okay it's an irritating game don't try it unless you have truckloads of time to spare.

It feels like life has come to a standstill, after the holidays and after a week of blocks spent revising.

Brain overload, brain hang!

Sometimes random scenes, random events occur to my head suddenly. Some memories make me smile or laugh, some make my insides squirm. Why did I do/say that? How very childish/insensitive that was! But it's no use wondering why. I should just remind myself not to make those mistakes? social blunders? again.

Giving myself a few minutes break after reading through some (just 2 actually) econs essays. So much information! H1 is no different from H2. Maybe just 20% less information. My skull feels sore.

Econs is interesting most times but I'm still glad I decided to take KI.

Things to do after blocks:

1) Work on IS

2) Read a storybook (hopefully)

3) Don't know.

I used to think I was musically talented, because I took the Grade 8 piano test and passed it.

Now I know what musically talented really means and how far I am from it. Not deprecating myself, it's just a fact. The world of music is diverse...

Poey just shared this with me. Some OMG relief: http://www.omg-facts.com/view/Facts/27616

KAY AHHH GO MUG AH

Hi!!! This is Cheryl making a cameo appearance on Marshy's blog. =)

She's doing SnS and losing hair, or so she says. I shall write a transcript of what she says.

"Oh crap what is this."

"K + 5 +4k!"

"YES I'M PROGRESSING!"

I might have missed out a bit here and there.

Marshy says she's lost her brain. HI MARSHY'S BRAIN I'LL FIND YOU. =)

I should stop posting on her blog. BYE BYE. We're listening to Totoro now. Marshy says I'm horrible. -.- I don't like her now.

She just said "Oh my gosh I'm so stupid AHHHHHH CHERYYYLLLL~"

I think I fed her too much Slurpee.

Bye bye! I'll go back to viruses now. =)

A reason to smile everyday, a reason to wake up happy everyday-- believe in yourself and your life.

Set a goal for each day.

During term, there wasn't much time, or even the need to think about how I would organize my day. Because every school day would be to start by waking at 5.30am , go to school, come home and do homework, sleep. I just went with the flow. Yeah, that's bad.
Now that I have so much work to do and just 1 week to myself to do it, I find myself slightly at a loss.
Zzz. I think I've been retreating into passive, go-with-the-flow mode over the past few weeks.
Omg what I just missed NUS open house?! Because I thought it was over a week. -.- Plus hmm there wasn't much talk about it within my erm world so I kind of forgot about it.

I think I would like to go to NUS after JC? Faculty of Science? A minor in philosophy? (Or something social science-y)

People who achieve more start planning early. They don't go with the flow. Like I do. D---.
Step out into the sunlight. Unjoin the dark side. i.e. stop dwelling on the bad side of things.

Meanwhile, I'm drooling over my brother's Indian food pictures.

On a more motivational side, I ran 1.5km today!(only because my mum wanted me to go to the park with her). Might be chicken feet to some of you, but to me, it's an astonishing start.

Sometimes what demoralizes me is why people are so unsmiling. They seem tired. They don't talk. It's like you don't exist. Maybe they are concentrating. But to me talking helps me concentrate.
Maybe that's why my mum scolds me for not responding to her sometimes. (and that's because I was concentrating too hard on my -coughcough- work)

Rant alert.
There are some days when situations seem to grind to a halt and stagnate...like water with thick oil slicks on them... and you feel like giving up...
Like today.
I'm left with a week to start with my IS as well as revision for blocks.
And it doesn't help when my brain starts becoming depressive, and keeps focusing on the bad side of everything. The bad side of school, the bad side of people, the bad side of myself.
The lazy, irresponsible, unfocused side of myself. That shows up everywhere, at unexpected times.
Just now I was trying to read some KI research that I photocopied and 50% of it sounded like Greek...I was reading it and I think only 1% got assimilated by my brain. On a bright side that might mean it's not relevant to my research. On another positive side I think most other articles I've read/will be reading will not be as convoluted as that. Totally exhaustive...and every sound that I heard just now seemed to be amplified 100 times because I just couldn't concentrate.
Bluh.

Face it. Just start. It won't be that hard once you've gotten past the initial barrier. It's not that horrible actually, thinking about starting my IS itself... it's just work. It's not like I'm forcing myself to get married. Or something.
Should set some...goals for myself. So I won't spend my free days during the March holidays lying face down in a cushion and moaning about life's frustrations and complexities.