some observations: 

1. my social circle in the past was really small. it was just classmates and some cca people.

2. another reason why i didn't enjoy my past experiences in school was probably because they kept telling us who to be. values, civics lessons. i tried to live up my society's ideal of a person. it didn't work out. right now i feel much more comfortable exploring for myself who people actually are and how they grow up.

3. i've been quite self-absorbed the past few weeks. and insecure. less so now i think.

4. i'm really tired now.

5. i like samba.

6. i'm gonna get a c or d for contract cos my prof says most of us are hovering around there, and i'm definitely not outstandingly good, or even good, so i'm probably getting a c or d. please let it not be worse. prof said there will be 1 or 2 Fs but i can't tell if she was playing an evil prank or not. she was smiling a satisfied smile when she said that.

7. i really feel like some lessons deaden my soul and my emotions. samba brings it all back. i'm probably intellectually lazy (a term i picked up from a teacher back in school). but it doesn't change anything. i still have to do my work, and get a decent grade.

8. love is not romance, nor perpetual happiness. love is choosing to be there for the person when the person needs you, and wants to talk to you. (i mean all sorts of love, for friends and family, and mr lovely.)

Slept 3.5 hours last night but I feel really energetic right now. It must be the coffee I drank this morning (I rarely drink coffee). I also feel strange this morning. It feels like I'm looking upon the world in an entirely new way, and I'm not sure how to go about watching this world because it looks so new. It's one of those issues which have no answer and no resolution.
Well, good morning.

Now I'm on my way home at 4.45 pm... Walked to mrt with S who talked to me about G. Well, G is a really nice guy and I've raised my esteem of him. He was the one who encouraged me to join samba when I was still debating and asking everyone if law students had time for CCAs. I followed his advice because he said yes, you will have time, in a very confident and reassuring way. And I don't regret following his advice. He's a great person, and a gentleman in every sense of the word. But I don't talk to him because I'm quiet and he's quiet and we don't have many topics to talk about haha. Anyway I'm not talking about this in the romantic way, not at all.

On to the topic of my crush. Ahem. The more I see him and the more I think about it, the more I feel like it's not right to get together. I'm not even sure what I'm really looking for in a person. He probably comes close to my archetype of The Guy but I suppose our relationship lacks a certain something. I'm getting over it quite easily, despite the angst I displayed to my friends that day. I definitely feel slightly hollow, and I still feel slightly angsty, but I'm getting a greater sense that I'm more comfortable with him as friends right now. And he is more comfortable with me as friends. I think there's a good friendship going on here.
I think getting into a sincere relationship really needs a certain level of experience and maturity which I am still accumulating. I'm not ready yet.
I really wonder how people get together in secondary school and jc? What did they feel like? How did they know? Yet another mystery in my life to be answered...
I half-want to private my blog but I think there's nothing here that's really worth hiding anyway.
Speaking of privacy, I realise that I've been spinning webs of secrecy around myself. Recently my two friends knocked down a barrier in me and found out my secret, ie. what I've been talking about.
Okay I'm reaching my house soon....

Another realization that I'm really less driven than I was last semester and I should really pull my socks up and start studying.
OKAY to be fair I'm the same as last semester. It's just that this semester I have a really strict prof (who really has the best intentions, objectively; but subjectively I'm just frightened) and that makes everything look much worse. But going back to the point, I really have lots of reading backlog to clear. So the point is the same which is that I should pull my socks up. Ahhh.

Skipped samba again. Was walking home today and I realized again with more urgency that I'm not really coping well with my workload. 

Anyway, here's the most important point of this post:

Whatever I wrote in my previous post took an unusual amount of courage so if you want to broach the topic with me, give me a heads-up, for example, a meaningful look, or a reference that you read my blog. This is to prevent me from fainting on the spot. And needless to say, it's TOP SECRET.

I realize my secrecy is rather abnormal, but I really can't imagine doing it any other way, so.

Okay, work time. I don't have much time to waste on emotional stuff anyway.

Today was a day of confessions. And the people I confessed to insist that I blog... so I shall.
Basically the people are C and C.

So there is somebody I like. But I'm not acting on it because
1) It doesn't feel right. Too contrived
2) Okay that's actually the only reason

- When did it start
During camp I noticed that he was a nice friend to have already. We were preparing for the fake moot and he was really relaxed about it when I was already trying not to freak out about having to moot. I told him that it's good to be relaxed like how he is and he looked quite satisfied. Moot eventually morphed into a fright night, which passed without event except for in the first room when I grabbed his arm out of fright. But that's all. After fright night the ice between us seemed to break a little and we chatted a bit more.
After camp we went home and I kind of forgot about him. I still remember I met him at the library workshop where I almost forgot who he was but I waved anyway and sat next to him cos I'm just that nice please.
During term we ended up in the same group. Through discussions and all I decided he was a nice person and a good friend to have. I don't know if I'm over-thinking but I could sense that he liked me too. I don't think I was over thinking because a) i'm observant and b) it's over a period of time, and there's room for me to be objective about it.

- How it ended
It really first started with the time he mentioned that he wasn't ready to go into a relationship. His 2 reasons are that a) he doesn't have the guts and b) he's too poor. I still don't understand the 2nd reason, but whatever. He mentioned this in passing, in a casual way, because somehow our group of friends were talking about life partners (I have no idea why but the conversation just drifted to this topic). Frankly when I heard this I didn't know what to say because I was wondering too many things in my head.
After a while I started to feel awkward and uncomfortable about him, because basically, nothing was happening.
So I told myself to change my attitudes. This happened in the form of me feeling uncomfortable and awkward for about a week, and all this awkwardness culminated in me reflecting one evening in my room and feeling quite morose. NB: I was feeling morose about my results too.
A few days later I got over it because life just moves on. And here I am now! I just don't want to invest too much hope in a stagnant situation, so I can focus better on other more important stuff.

I would say I still like him but with a changed attitude. Honestly about 1/3 of me is thinking that he's a jerk and 2/3 of me is thinking he's a nice friend.
Don't get me wrong, jerks can be good friends too. And I don't mean that I'm insulting him, because from an objective point of view, he really is a good person to have as a friend, someone you can trust.

I'm in such a floppy happy mood now. Here's a time when I look around me with a soppy grin on my face for no reason at all.
I just feel like my friends are such lovely people to have in my life.

Frankly I've been quite down for a week already with intermittent periods of happiness (with who else but friends).
Then today I got a mini-epiphany.
I guess last sem my workload was equally bad or maybe slightly better, but I took it better because I probably was more optimistic and gungho about everything. Maybe it was sheer bravado, being the first sem, so I just kept telling myself, just do, can one. This sem I'm getting a bit more jaded.
But while munching on Chocolate Pillows today (bought it on a whim) I decided that no matter how incessant the readings are, and no matter how many setbacks (perceived setbacks) I shall just continue relaxing and eating and going for samba like I used to in sem 1. Readings will not run away and I will spend many more sleepless nights trying to finish them. Just not tonight.
Notice the fine line between this and procrastination. Procrastination means putting things off and not doing them, but what I'm doing is putting things off AND PLEDGING TO MYSELF TO DO THEM AND I KNOW I WILL DO THEM.
2 girls just scuttled off in front of me wearing tight black skirts. Well... they were scuttling in a very cute manner.
Anyway I didn't get my faci role. But heck la I'm in the sub comm already. I'm just not popz enough lor what to do. But don't mistake me, I don't say this in a self-hating tone, but a heck-care tone.
Shit, class in half an hour and readings still not done.
You have to come to law school to appreciate what we mean by you can never finish your readings.

Lesson of the day: you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of your work. If you go to work sulky or tired everyday something needs to be changed. Something in you needs to be taken care of. And most of the time it's your psychological welfare.