Dear Law:
You've broken my heart so many times but I'll still try to win you over with my hard work and whatever residual charm I have left (which I hope is not insubstantial).
And I'm making an effort to trim away my emotional baggage everyday.
I'm sustaining myself by looking at the world outside of you, which is really beautiful and holds many fantasies for me. The world that is you is lovely too, but in a dark and dangerous way (imagine sharp shards of ice glittering in the moonlight).
This is a painful (love) affair. It will surely continue for the next 3 years (studies + passing the bar), maybe more than 5 years if I find a job I love, one that holds meaning for me. Otherwise, I may plan to consciously uncouple from you, and wander into the world outside of you, the one that holds so many dreams for me (my first love that captivated me in my teens and in my early 20s).

With painful regards,
Me.

It's a vicious cycle. People judge you, they put you down, they give you bad grades. Then you feel bad about yourself and it shows in your face, in the way you walk, in the way you talk. And then that image you give off makes people want to put you down even more.
Dammit let's break this idiotic cycle.
Look calm, smile, look happy, and people will respect you for it. (even though there's a raging storm inside of you, but they don't know that, do they?) Effie Trinket style. That's why some people like Effie Trinket-- they like her for her tenacity on stage in times of stress.

I....
WANT YOU TO BURN MY BRIDGES DOWN.
BURN
BURN
BURN

"I'm not in this for the money." - interesting person whom I shall not reveal.
Yet, the justification I've used recently for my remaining here is 'for the money'. That sucks, I better change that mindset. But honestly, how far from the truth is that statement? Best thing I can do now is to remind myself that I have to build a life that I love.

Life is unfair. I never knew what this really meant until I entered university. I'm sure when I start working, my definition of 'unfair' will change again. But for now, life. is. unfair. I was complaining to my brother and he unsympathetically told me: life is unfair.
And I guess I'm just not used to it because prior to university, life for me was damn good.
Still, I guess like all other things, it boils down to whether my heart is big enough to accept all this unfairness, and whether I have enough drive and fight in me to try to conquer this damn unfairness.
And better still, I read a quote somewhere that goes along the lines of-- Don't take life too seriously, because when it's over you will feel like a fool.
And yes, I think I've been taking it too seriously (i.e. too personally.) Nope, for now it will be to sieve out my thoughts from my feelings, and to put my thoughts into some good action.
And realize that yes, my life is still pretty damn good in many ways.

Feeling a little upset about another Hollywood break up... And another block of my being crumbles away and rolls away into the sea.
Lolol.

Sigh. I need to find my drive. My determination.
OOMPH.

All these earthly concerns running on and on into a really long list. Occasionally I look up from my work and realize that there's an entire world around me. I click around on the Internet and find that there's an even bigger world out there. People crying, people dying, people suffering immensely. People being really strange. People being happy.
And then I look back at my work and try not to question the meaning of it.


will.i.am's song choice for one of the performances in The Voice. awesomeeezxz

Awesome. Never realized the tinkling sounds in her songs are actually from the harp.

Count your blessings.

And also, I am putting on weight. I need exercise.

I'm so used to rejection that it's like breathing already.

Okay I know there's more rejections to come.

Thanks for the memories and I've become a happier person because of all that I've done with you. Now I don't really gaf. Haha. Time to move on to more plans.

(i'm not talking about romance btw... although it sounds remarkably like I got rejected by some guy... HAHA)

And this dream costs less elsewhere. It costs much more where I am chasing it. That was the choice I made without knowing what I would be facing for 4 years.
What can I say. Could I say that I am sort of attending the university of 'harder' knocks? I know I'm still damn privileged and all but compared to others elsewhere, the others could very well be lounging on the thrones while I toil away here.
Well, I exercised my right to choose 2 years ago. I don't see how I can change it.
And if I am not changing it, I am damn well standing up for myself here and I'm going to do spankingly excellently well. As much as I can. While remaining sane and remaining myself.
Damn all those people lounging on their high thrones and passing judgement on us.

But if I strip away all these emotional drama-mama, and think about it logically, I would arrive at the same conclusion. No matter what career path I seek, I would have to have good grades to even be granted the job. So, case closed. Don't bother with the nitty-gritty. Go study. The world can go screw itself.

Ray Charles, honouring Nelson Mandela: "He taught me the meaning of perseverance, he taught me what it means to have a belief, goal and desire."

Chased a dream. Didn't know what it would cost. There's no way out that I would like to take. Only way is to keep going and hope I'll uncover more treasures along the way. And be smarter.
And I've realized that so many other things are worth so much more than this shit I'm chasing. So that's a bright side in all this shit: I realized that other things are better. And I'll treasure them.

Look at
That cold cactus of reason
Amidst the dry shifting sands
and sharp unforgiving winds.

(don't gawk at my weird posts, it helps me focus on my sense of reason)

It is strangers like this girl here who make me feel like I still belong to this world. (here, 'world' does not include family). It makes me feel like I can still genuinely belong to this world, not just physically and emotionally, but on a deeper level, if you get what I mean. It unlocks a whole new world away from... trying to get my results up, and matching up to expectations, and outsmarting others, and balancing group dynamics, and feeling like if I don't do well I'll be a lesser human being than those walking around in black suits in brightly-lit, carpeted corridors.
A world away from boring, suffocating normality.

Hush! Don't speak.
I know how you feel, I know how you think.
They are right next door
They will hear you through those paper-thin walls
They will get angry.
The peace is delicate, the silence is trembling.
Hush, and they will take you out to the park tomorrow.

a honeycomb with no honey
a city with no friendship
a complex of processes with no conviction

a thriving existence with no soul.

CONCENTRATE.
think of the end-product.
that is what you want.
so do it.

Feeling loved and calm, for no particular reason. But because I reflected back on my childhood and realize that I've had it easier being the youngest kid in the family. ^_^

Also, readings so much how to finish sia. Think we got 4 eyes to read everything at twice the speed is it. 

Things running through my head right now:
1. 8tracks is amazing, jazz is amazing, the voice uk is amazing.
2. The disappearance of the Malaysian flight is scary.
3. I need to do my readings but my brain is tired.
4. Count my blessings.
5. It's getting really hard to concentrate.

Like a fish takes to water
I steer towards trust and love

Like a fish takes to water
I sniff out fun and laughter

Like a fish takes to water
I strive for what I love and what I want

Like a fish diving back to the water
After it's been out for too long
I run away from madness.

And against all currents
I swim in the directions I please.
I find comfort in my fellow travellers,
and in the place I call home.
And nothing will stop my finny fins.

Oh my gosh I am so freaking tired...and I had a panic attack about my research paper. Sigh. But problem solved. 大学真的不容易.

From my tumblr collection (I just collect whatever makes me happy)

I (and my classmates) definitely deserve a pat on the back for weathering through so much crap. And becoming battered and beaten ourselves, in terms of spiritual and emotional welfare. And physical health as well because we sit so much (I am so going to gym soon). No matter what the results are I think I have surpassed all expectations by doing all this. It doesn't matter that right now my results are not stellar at all (in fact they are the opposite, if you look at the bell curve). We should learn to give ourselves the credit we deserve.
But I also need to work my ass off for the upcoming weeks, because despite how high up my horse I sound, I still need to make sure I do well enough for this semester.

The world is huge, and you're beautiful, and you deserve to go out there and catch your dreams. Whatever it is you want, and however many dreams you want to catch.

Dear Life,
I like you very much. But I have never spent so much time staring at a screen before.
Kthxbye...

Not making sense.

This is my kind of music, totally. If I had a car I would play this song all the way. Or if I was just sitting at home, probably in front of my laptop.

"Life is hell, but it's beautiful."
And my life isn't even hell!

IDGAF ANYMORE

The hardest but happiest thing to do (for yourself) is to slay that monster within yourself.

Don't let it rear its ugly head.

Don't let it control you.

Roar.

Cut
yourself
off
.

Fall,
fall,
fall
down
into that breezy meadow.

Where joyful voices sing
And light feet dance.


Credits: http://meditationsinwonderland.tumblr.com/

Damn, from the dreams I've been having at night, I know I'm stressed about this constant rush against time I have to deal with. Maybe that's the style of my university education; it simulates work life where there's also a horde of deadlines you have to meet. In my dreams I've been rushing against time in all sorts of ways, be it running up and down stairs, or trying to fit keys into mismatched locks while somebody clicks his tongue nearby. Yet I find relief in being able to go to bed knowing I've done quite a fair bit of work in the day time-- although this is never enough because there's always more work to be done, more work pouring in.
But this stress is only one side of my life-- the subconscious, nocturnal side of me, I guess. In broad daylight I am fine, I am just like every other person on the street, walking with a sense of purpose, chatting and laughing, and so on (and celebrating my birthday yesterday). I would call it my daytime self-- my daytime self knows that there's nothing to worry about, it knows that everything is going as planned, and if emergencies crop up, it would know how to remedy the situation. My nighttime self is the one that is saying: can Summer please get its ass over here right now.
Just had to get this out of me today because my mood says it's a good time to air my inner self, and now that I've done it, I think I can concentrate better on stuff.
Get on, get on.