I'm here because I think I don't have inspiration. So, what's new in my life? This is such an egocentric question. But since I created this blog to feed my vanity, I shall share with you the mundane details of my life.
I've been addicted to this song: I like her soaring vocals. ^^ But I have no idea what the song is about, because I mainly listen to the tune and not her words (except "we could have had it all...rolling in the deep" and "there's a fire starting in my heart"?)


With I had some fire in my heart now. You know, I learnt that chasing dreams means two things at once. It means that I have a very coherent set of beliefs that tell me I am right in pursuing this dream and I should give it my best shot. But it also means that I have another conflicting system of beliefs, which are also coherent within themselves, that tell me I'm absolutely deluded and I'm just too unaware of reality for my own good.

Introspection has failed me.

Telling myself that it's better to try now than to regret about not trying later is a rather weak reason. It lacks conviction.
Heck I think I lack conviction and I'm just whining.

I think I've been more resolute before. I'll get back my resolve. It makes me ashamed to see people around who are so determined, but I'm not entirely sure they don't suffer from the same doubt as I do... I guess doubting myself at this stage is normal, doubting is a very human thing to do...

Here's some encouragement:
Embrace questions and do not be afraid to leap into thorny issues. Trust yourself, and if you do it vigilantly, you'll see the light.

This is quoted from... me myself and I!

Me, myself and I together form a world-famous trio. Everyone knows them-- how cool is that! They are frequently quoted, and are perhaps the most cited scholars in this world. Every word that every person speaks or writes can be traced back to this impressive trio.

Thanks for bearing with my goofing around, now go spend your time productively. :)

It's the last day of official lessons of my two years in JC! I can't decide if I'm happy that it's over or sad that I won't be having more of it. The past two years have been a mixture of dreary days where I simply hoped for the whole day that I could go home and never see school again, and (a larger portion) of happy days where I discovered new things about my classmates.
So I guess I miss school more now (that's why I'm even here in the first place).

But I've been through 12 years of education, and I don't know what exactly it is I treasure. Plainly put, I don't know what I want to dedicate my life to. I know I seek new things, possibly 'adventure'. Basically I'd like to travel. But I'd be giving up some things here at home if I did that.
This reminds me of what Mrs Toh said that day-- when you lose something, you gain something else. (then sbd piped in, i think it was yaonian: when you gain something, you lose something else too). But what is it I'd like to have, at the expense of the happiness I already enjoy now? I see my friends and family everyday and I learn new things about them as time passes. Happiness here is very tangible. If I were to go overseas, happiness would be harder to find; it would be wilder and very unexpected.

But I think I've learnt my lesson, which is that happiness can turn stale if it stays untouched and unexamined for too long. I've lived through that kind of happiness before, and it was very constraining, as I told cheryl today. I think being away from home might give me the chance to reassess the home I've lived in for 18 years, and I'll learn to appreciate it differently.

If I could live JC over again, I'd be more serious about KI lessons, especially group presentations. I didn't really like group presentations. I never knew whether I was going on the right path when I was addressing the class, so my presentations got more and muddled as I did more of them (actually I think I addressed the class twice in 2 years, and the last one was quite screwed up).

One thing is certain, which is that KI has been the most fun lesson I've had in JC. I might not have appreciated it enough some days, but it has constantly presented me with new insights about myself and everything else around me. Come to think of it, I think the teachers have the most credit for giving me such a good experience in KI. If I could, I'd do a 3rd year of JC that would be dedicated to KI.

I think I'm a lazy person by nature and it takes quite a significant amount of encouragement to make me budge. Now I know it, maybe I can change it.

I feel kind of sad now. I feel the same way I did when the only band concert I performed in ended, just that the feeling I have now has more finality in it. I guess it's comparable to how I felt after graduating from secondary school, just that I felt more liberated at the end of sec 4 than I do now. (in sec 4, it was "YES!!! I'm out of sec school! And I'm going to a new one!!" And what sadness was there to feel, when everyone was just going to the same school again?) But this time it is something different. I'm about to bid farewell to friends I made in my angsty emotional teenage years, and I'm going to bid farewell to new friends and classmates that I've had the fortune to meet but not the opportunity to really understand. If I could manipulate reality, I'd spend a day with everyone I'd like to know more about. It's a pity I don't have all the time in my hands.

Thinking of sec school makes me miss my sec school class. I want a class reunion after A's.

After JC I also want a JC class reunion. I feel like I must keep in touch with my JC classmates, because they are all so nice and they have changed my attitudes and perceptions so much. I feel like I won't be as happy as I am today if I had been placed in another class. (Seriously, how should I go about expressing this appreciation to my class?) I think we should set up a class blog. (Hey, that's how our 08s70 seniors kept in touch.)

I feel like this blog post is just a declaration of how much I love everyone. Hi, I love you. <3 :D

Okay, I should stop prancing around in my pink-tinted specs. Goodbye.
But this is not to say that I didn't mean everything that I said above.

Here's my all-time-favourite song, to bid farewell to my official-JC-schooldays in style.

It's the last day of official lessons of my two years in JC! I can't decide if I'm happy that it's over or sad that I won't be having more of it. The past two years have been a mixture of dreary days where I simply hoped for the whole day that I could go home and never see school again, and (a larger portion) of happy days where I discovered new things about my classmates.
So I guess I miss school more now (that's why I'm even here in the first place).

But I've been through 12 years of education, and I don't know what exactly it is I treasure. Plainly put, I don't know what I want to dedicate my life to. I know I seek new things, possibly 'adventure'. Basically I'd like to travel. But I'd be giving up some things here at home if I did that.
This reminds me of what Mrs Toh said that day-- when you lose something, you gain something else. (then sbd piped in, i think it was yaonian: when you gain something, you lose something else too). But what is it I'd like to have, at the expense of the happiness I already enjoy now? I see my friends and family everyday and I learn new things about them as time passes. Happiness here is very tangible. If I were to go overseas, happiness would be harder to find; it would be wilder and very unexpected.

But I think I've learnt my lesson, which is that happiness can turn stale if it stays untouched and unexamined for too long. I've lived through that kind of happiness before, and it was very constraining, as I told cheryl today. I think being away from home might give me the chance to reassess the home I've lived in for 18 years, and I'll learn to appreciate it differently.

If I could live JC over again, I'd be more serious about KI lessons, especially group presentations. I didn't really like group presentations. I never knew whether I was going on the right path when I was addressing the class, so my presentations got more and muddled as I did more of them (actually I think I addressed the class twice in 2 years, and the last one was quite screwed up).

One thing is certain, which is that KI has been the most fun lesson I've had in JC. I might not have appreciated it enough some days, but it has constantly presented me with new insights about myself and everything else around me. Come to think of it, I think the teachers have the most credit for giving me such a good experience in KI. If I could, I'd do a 3rd year of JC that would be dedicated to KI.

I think I'm a lazy person by nature and it takes quite a significant amount of encouragement to make me budge. Now I know it, maybe I can change it.

I feel kind of sad now. I feel the same way I did when the only band concert I performed in ended, just that the feeling I have now has more finality in it. I guess it's comparable to how I felt after graduating from secondary school, just that I felt more liberated at the end of sec 4 than I do now. (in sec 4, it was "YES!!! I'm out of sec school! And I'm going to a new one!!" And what sadness was there to feel, when everyone was just going to the same school again?)

Thinking of sec school makes me miss my sec school class. I want a class reunion after A's.

After JC I also want a JC class reunion. I feel like I must keep in touch with my JC classmates, because they are all so nice and they have had quite a huge impact on my attitudes and perceptions.

I feel like this blog post is just a declaration of how much I love everyone. Hi, I love you. <3 :D

Okay, I should stop prancing around in my pink-tinted specs.

My brother was listening to 21 Guns (Greenday) that day, and I realized that the first two lines are actually sort of thought-provoking. Do I know what I'm 'fighting' for, in today's paper chase? Am I blindly pursuing the University Dream?
Felt so demoralized today, then I went to sleep on the sofa, and I woke up feeling normal again :)
Greenday is so cool :3

Today our ki teacher implored us to be rational individuals, because society is growing ever more irrational, with so many arguments and sentiments that don't make sense (for example... I don't want to think of examples now). Today's lesson was really interesting, and I felt glad again that I took ki, although I don't feel so glad that the prelims are coming. It was good to realize again the purpose of learning ki.

This is a bit backdated, but I thought seriously that day to myself-- that I need to grow up.

I like Enya's songs.

On a side note, I stayed back yesterday to try the dinner at school, and it was really good, and the parents were very nice to us. (It made me feel very pampered.)I was also quite disturbed at the number of people mugging.

I guess what makes people different is primarily what they are afraid of. People are afraid of different things and they run away from them. And in the process they choose who they are. I realize I've been subconsciously running away from a number of things. It happens with every excuse that I make...

I'm addicted to the tune of Diana by Paul Anka, it's so merry~ The lyrics help too, because they are so funny. :) Paul Anka's (is that him?) eyebrows help too. I think eyebrows are the funniest part of some people's faces. You can just forget about every other part of their face and zoom in on those little black stubs moving and waving around and you can get very amused. :)

What an amusing song! :)) Do listen to the lyrics. Made my day on Sunday LOL. :D


I want to go overseas, not because I want to run away from the culture here. I think Singapore has unique strengths, and what's out there is not better, but different. I'm seeking adventure outside. :)) Not any Heaven, that doesn't exist.

Returning to reality, I think I need to formally remind myself here that I follow my path and not anyone else's. My life is my own. It's easy enough to understand, but when I get all emotional, I tend to forget this.

I'm stalking seniors' blogs on ql's directions and it just makes me feel boring and, in some small part of my mind, inferior.

There they are, talented and passionate (and going through the ups and downs of university life abroad, but this is beside the point), and here I am... I don't think I actually have any passion in the deeper sense of the word; I'm just a rolling stone gathering random bits of moss and fluff. (This is making me imagine myself rolling downhill, which is amusing, but it also feels like something bad) And if I had any talents, I don't think I've discovered them/ I don't have any/ Am I just being very critical of myself?

I just can't find any defining characteristic of myself that can be qualified, that I can be proud of. (I mean qualified, as in... e.g. "I was in a CCA for 6 years"/"I love research to bits"/"I love acting and I've acted lots"). Then again, am I just trying to fit myself somewhere? Am I different in that I don't belong to these descriptions, or am I just crappy, to put it harshly?

I feel like this is a perverse thought, but it almost feels like I don't have any right pursuing my dream to go overseas for university education. To put it really bluntly, if I'm a boring old rock with moss, I'll be a boring old rock with random moss wherever I go. It's like what I read somewhere last time-- you can't run away from yourself.

But realistically speaking, I could go anywhere. If I really try. Those seniors, I think they really tried. Anyone can go anywhere if they really try.
I know whatever I typed above will infuriate some of you or at least make you feel indignant. That's how I'll feel if I read this from somewhere else. But I think criticizing my self-worth today helped me find some direction, it does not reflect what school is like.

Maybe it's just that every one of the (few) seniors I've come across and is studying in some good university seems confident about themselves.
But I don't deny there's a lot of struggle underneath.
I just typed a crappy post at a crappy hour. I'm going to sleep.

Visiting our sec 2 forum brought back good memories... :') although I was a bit amused/shocked at the amount of rubbish I contributed there...
I actually went on a class outing today! It turned out to be quite fun. Ate meatball pasta at Ikea, treated it like a theme park, overslept on the bus on the way home and ended up in Jurong Point. -_-
I discovered an interesting Coldplay video while doing some *stuff*. And I think Regina Spektor's videos are cool too!


Don't give up, don't lose focus, there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow...so technically I'm travelling on the rainbow now, dangling in mid-air over Singapore...awesome thought...
*-*

I realized that this is the 3rd or 4th time I'm reading a handout for my IS but I'm still discovering new stuff! For this particular reading, every sentence I read is actually saying so much more.
Went out today at Sunset Way and saw a place called Grindelwald Supermarket! What a delightful name.
There are many things I'd like to say, but because I think I like to keep things more to myself these days (there's no point thinking so much; save my thinking for things like my IS), and because I should really be spending my time on things like my IS (not just this), I shall close this window. D:

I think it was a good decision to go for the UK forum because I got lots of earnest advice from the seniors there.
Firstly, I got utterly convinced that it would be a better choice to go overseas to study. So I went to sign up, and started dreaming about lovely green fields and ducks waddling on them (Emmanuel College has lots of ducks for some reason). Then all the doubt came flooding back today, about whether it would be futile in the end anyway.
But I remembered what one of the seniors said, about how he really thought he wouldn't get into Cambridge (the letter didn't come when he expected it to), and how he felt depressed and that was the end of him. So he lowered his expectations and decided to go to NUS (because he got some offers?). Then LO AND BEHOLD the letter came and he went to Cambridge.
Anyway, he said that this taught him a really important life lesson-- lower your expectations.
I think it's important to recognize that expectations don't work when you apply them to your dreams. If reality doesn't proceed as your dreams have planned, then accept it and move on! After all, it's really how you face life that matters.
But go on, pursue your dreams first.