There's a suggestion to do a post reviewing the past year. Oh well... okay. My memory is rusty. But I shall start with general musings first...

I think I live mainly in the present. 

I generally dislike thinking about the past because the past holds no wonders for me and it's all old news to my mind. I've done good things-- alright, meh, the present holds more challenges; I've done bad things-- no, stop thinking about that embarrassing incident again! 

I rarely think about the future too, but I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I assume present circumstances will just extrapolate themselves into the future and anything else is unexpected and can't really be planned. 

So I immerse myself in the present. Which can be quite bad because when my present is really boring I get disheartened about the future and start to wonder why I live an existence like that. For e.g. boring readings and less-than-nice-but-better-than-nasty cca mates. When I have an entire day free to myself I usually spend  it reading my notes, and when I'm not reading my notes, I'm being a lump of flesh. Being a lump of flesh is very comfortable but when I snap out of it I start to feel useless. 

You can skip this if you don't wanna read a book review

Speaking of being a lump of flesh, that's what I became when I read Milan Kundera's The Unbelievable Lightness of Being, because some parts of the book were quite boring (the political bits), but the parts about family/human relationships (ahem) were more engaging. E.g. the part about their dog dying was quite sad. I don't normally feel sad about animals dying in books, but for this one I did. It was all the more touching when the author explained why the lady's love for the dog was better than the love she had for her husband-- because her love for the dog was unconditional but her love for her husband wasn't, because she couldn't get over her husband's infidelity. Still, note that she loved her husband more deeply.

I ahem-ed earlier because the author included some erotic moments, but I'm used to reading stuff like that already anyway. I like how he zooms in on the characters' thoughts and feelings. Every one of them feels so real, and helps me to feel more real too. If you know the story, I'd like to say I identify most with Franz, the guy who wants to live in truth and not in lies (He admitted to his wife that he had a mistress). I've admitted many things before. But his mistress left him because she wanted to live in secrecy and not in truth (for the public to judge), which I felt was slightly sad (slightly, because why did he have to be so honest? A part of me feels he deserves it. And now I realize that this comment applies to myself too-- maybe I don't have to be so bloody upright and honest every time.) 

The book ended abruptly (I guess that's the author's style) but sweetly. The book taught me that love is touching but it always changes your life in ways that you might not like. But because you love that person you'll deliver yourself into change anyway. Anyway this sounds cliche (I feel like I've heard it somewhere before) but this one describes it on a more personal level; something that I can understand better. So I shall tell myself now-- I don't need to hanker after love.

Okay my post morphed into a book review. Back to agenda.

Sometimes I feel contented being in the present-- yay! happy times!-- then when I'm faced with questions of what's going to happen next time I draw a blank. I think if I thought about the future more I might be more driven on my own, and I'll stop being a lump of flesh and move around more. But I rarely stick to plans, so why should I make them...? This is something to think about... reserved for a later post probably. Like... what do I want to work as? How much money do I want to make? What sort of adult life am I gearing up for? I don't really want to think about it actually. It's more delightful if I see my options from a broader view, rather than fixate on one goal.

Now for flashback-----

Now that I think about it, the year surprisingly started with me slacking in January and getting a job in February (Was it Feb?). I don't think it was a proper job experience but at least it killed my time. On hindsight I think I was babysat quite a bit in the office and everyone spoke to me kindly, like they would to a younger sister or a daughter. Cos I'm 19~

Then I worked till May, during which I started driving. Useless driving licence in my cupboard which might be useful in the future.

Holiday in June in Turkey. Yay. :) Meanwhile I fretted about university choices, which doesn't seem like a big deal now. I'm glad I stayed in Singapore. Though I don't know what life might have been overseas-- I might be happier, but since I don't know, I don't need to care. Glad I stayed in Singapore because... more comfortable and quite an eye-opener too, to mix with the general population more. I was quite a hermit in JC. Anyway, point being, overseas or not, I'm still living life and growing up. 

Orientation camps in July.

Crazy term from August to December. 

And my short-term goals remain: 

1. Higher GPA

2. Stay on in samba. Pride factor is at play as well... I don't wanna be wrong about joining it in the first place.

3. Remember what I've written and remember who I am.

Reading through my previous posts I feel like I've grown slightly older. Maybe because I'm the youngest in my family, I feel like people have been giving way to me all the time. I realize that most of the time I feel like I'm the one who is correct and others are in the wrong and it's only right that they acknowledge that they're wrong.

Well, not all the time anymore I guess

Some nice old song for you:

Welcome to reality. Pursuing one's passion seems to come at a price-- you need to at least try to mingle around with people who have the same interest as you even though you might not click with them. (Although I'm aware that it is not a must to mingle, but it's in my nature to at least poke around with people first.)
And then after some initial snide remarks with people who might not be at the same page as myself I tell myself that it's time to not be so sensitive, and it's time to be a person who lets seemingly snide remarks bounce off herself. There are such people who exist and others can make jokes out of them, and they laugh it off and sometimes laugh back at the other person. I admire such people-- they don't give a hoot about what other people say.
I still can't shake off the feeling that people hate lawyers. Only a few though; thankfully for this world not a lot of people are so narrow-minded.
But now I know that I don't need to shake off the feeling, I just need to let it bounce off me.
As poey mentioned a few days ago: in relationships, no one cares what difficulties or emotions you are having; people are only interested in what you can offer them (anything under the sun-- emotional support, money, specific skills, etc.). So no point moping about emotions and wearing a glum face. I just have to focus on what I want out of my life.
But I concede that mingling with people who don't click with you is taxing and possibly quite time-wasting.
Until today, I always thought that I could make friends with everyone-- friends as in trustworthy friends who can chat with you-- as long as I was friendly and smiley. But now I take that back. Friends are hard to come by. Everyone else is just a colleague, or an acquaintance.
I didn't go for the gathering today to meet up with friends and chat about everything under the sun. It was a gathering purely for business purposes-- to mingle and show my face, to show that I'm interested in the people who share the same interest as me. And I was definitely met with pleasant surprises-- spoke to cute people, nice people. So I'm not totally disillusioned.
Although the price of this party/gathering was, my mum didn't sleep till I came home at 12.30 am (and even so, when I left the place, the party was still going on). That's my uptight mum for you, but I can't and won't fault her because mums are just like that.

Helped my mum out yesterday and while doing stuff I poured out all the gossip and woes I had about school to her. Mum was a good listener. At the end of the day I felt quite depressed that all my woes had been laid out, and vaguely disoriented-- what am I doing in university? -Sigh-
Mum's advice was to ignore all these people and just focus on my studies. She said, just study everyday. On first hearing I thought, that would be a terrible life. But it was probably the way she phrased it. After a while I realized it made sense, because at night I felt my old self coming back to me-- so what if (some) people are horrible and life doesn't go the way I'd like it to? I'm still me and I'll go through life the way I want it to be. I need to stop being sensitive about what people think of me.
And on the other hand I need to stop having ideas about using people as a means to my own ends. e.g. there's a law senior in my cca whom I'm not close to, but I shouldn't make friends because I want notes. People make friends because... they make friends. I'll make my own notes.
Commenced reading for next semester today at 12 noon, after a while of burying my head in the sofa and in my pillow and telling myself that I should rest my brain before reading. Yeah right! -rolls eyes at self- But at least I've started. (And then now I'm distracted with my blog after about 20 minutes).

Sigh my mum just lectured me for not studying for such a long time and sleeping 11 hours last night and such. Dampened my mood. Oh well.... And another prof emailed us saying that we can go check the website now for the first week's readings. Okay, yes world, I recognize the signs! Signs that i should really be studying. (And not blogging)
Dislikes the word 'should'.
Checked my classlists for all my next sem's classes and recognized a lot of names. And a lot of names repeat for all 3 law classes. Boring... or maybe not!
Whee busking is fun!

So tired on both days of busking! Tired until cannot think. No stamina.
But it was great fun. The Lions won the football match, right? Their fans apparently contacted our cca president and asked us to join in their celebration so while the Lions drove into Orchard we played our rhythm for them while the fans danced around happily. I've never done this sort of thing in my life before and privately I couldn't believe what was happening, while on the outside I smiled and hit my drum :D The rain added on to the surrealism of the whole thing. Am I really playing my drum on Orchard Road in the rain with football fans jumping around me?
Cool beans!

After the Lions left an even larger crowd stayed behind to watch our last performance of the day. Felt good to have a crowd watching us play, all armed with cameras and phones to record our performance. :)

Now that busking is over I shall turn my focus to readings....

Aims for next year (i.e. next sem)
1. Higher gpa
and
2. Stay on in samba
Yes I will do that even if there are a thousand of person-mentioned-in-previous-post in the cca!
And make sure my skills are up to mark so that at the end of next year I'll get selected for the overseas trip, either in Coburg or in Brazil. Currently they are alright but I'm always one of the slowest to remember new rhythms. Apparently there is an audition for going overseas~

I'm not very used to myself being angry at somebody because it rarely happens, but I think I'm getting used to it, especially since I see this person everyday. Gosh I've never met such an irritating person before. Why does he have to be in a cca that I really like and in the same section on top of that. Being unused to being angry I've always been swallowing back my annoyance and lowering my sensitivity antenna and treating everything as a joke. But there comes a time when a line is crossed and I have to do something to show my anger. Well, what I did is, I typed in a passive-aggressive remark in our group chat in response to his nonsense comments. Quite anti-climactic-- I think you might have been expecting more e.g. I slapped him?

One reason I rarely get angry is because I'm afraid of hurting people and upsetting group dynamics. Another reason is that people usually get angry before I do and they retaliate first so I don't feel the need to do anything. But heck  the line is crossed already. It's even better if other people know I'm angry.

I do remember somebody retaliating to another of his nonsense comments a few months back in the same group convo. But she doesn't do it now because she's enjoying an overseas cip trip. I want her to come back soon.

Another thing that pisses me off is how he is so popular in the cca. He's just a huge flirt and has a loud voice that's why. No one sees his irritating side except us. And we are very tolerant people so he has had his way. Not anymore.

Sheesh I really had to get that off my mind, no matter how much I wanted to keep that in. On hindsight I actually think you all might cheer me on for finally getting angry cos I get angry so rarely it can seem abnormal.