A good word to describe my mood these few days is thorny. I think I've been a bit weird around my friends. But I think my friends have been a bit weird too. We can be a bit weird together. No offence at all...

I just feel really annoyed at nothing especially these few days. It's not just the exams. But there's no point being angry at nothing when you can be calm and happy.

Anyway here's a really good song


Unlikely that I'll blog the next few days... I think...

And I never thought that I would find something from the Confessions page inspiring, but today I did, so I'll share part of that status with you. And you can see the full status on my timeline if you want to...

So many things matter than getting good grades, and for everyone in school complaining about competition or regretting coming to SMU, know that:

a) It's you who makes it competitive for yourself.

b) Studying is about running your own race and achieving your own potential, not your friend's, and not that genius scholar's you sit across in class. Just because someone has a GPA of 3.9 doesn't make him/her a better person than you are.

c) Once you get good grades, you may get a good JOB. But your peers who score less than you still have a chance of having a better CAREER than you. A good career, is never ever judged by your grades, and success it judged by one's career, and not one's job. I'd suggest develop the skills that'll give you a good career, and not just study blindly.

SMU modeled after the world's top top TOP schools. Guys, we're being educated the Wharton/Carnegie Mellon way, at less than 10% the cost. We have the world's best librarians, career support and a tight knit school community and student support group. We'll never have any of this outside SMU, or outside in the working world.

Exam week might be coming soon, but remember that there are many things in our school life we should and cherish. The BE emcee who never knew how to emcee, but ended up hosting in front of thousands of people, or the Dancer who never knew how to dance but picked it up anyways and won an award, or the Aquathlete who never knew how to swim, but won a medal at a national competition, or the Artdicted member who never knew Adobe, but set up a workshop to share his/her passion about Illustrator, or the budding entrepreneur with a good idea who, despite all the odds, started a company of his own - and the hundreds and hundreds of other stories - Success in school isn't just measured by your grades, it's measured so many other ways.

Cherish being in this wonderful school we are in called Singapore Management University, and live life to the fullest.

All the best for exams.

School pride aside, I think this is really good advice especially right now when I'm beating myself up everyday about how I'm slacking off or how I didn't prepare enough for my moot or how I'm screwing up my own grades by being unmotivated.
This post reminds me that I am actually running a race with myself, which is exactly how I thought in semester 1-- At that time, I didn't really care how I did, I only cared that I was trying my best. My mentality was that I didn't know how the grading system worked anyway, so I'd just go all out and try my best. That's why I was happier last semester.
I think this sem I'm focusing too much on what grades I'm getting rather than focusing on whether I'm trying my best... which is probably why I feel so drained right now. I finally understand that measuring yourself against grades and against other people's perceptions of you can really erode your self-confidence. Screw all those grades, I really did try my best for every one of those B minuses I got. I probably just lacked... enough knowledge. I might feel pissed that effort doesn't equate to good grades. But it's even worse if I just throw a hissy fit and refuse to do my best and still beat myself up over slacking. That's just treating myself very badly.

And... putting myself into perspective... I honestly think this semester's work is harder than last semester's. The concepts are tougher. It's not that I'm getting stupider. The readings are insane and I think my sem 1 self would throw a fit at my contract readings especially, which my sem 2 self also did. (But where's the point in throwing fits?)
Okay so with that I think I'm all set for studying for my exams.

I've felt this way ever since I came to university.


Even though I don't always feel great I think it is an improvement from my school days, when I didn't feel anything much. I remember blogging quite frequently that I felt apathetic. I couldn't empathize with much when I was in JC. The only struggles I had were intellectual struggles (with my homework). I think I empathize a bit more now. It's like I've opened up my emotional range and I'm feeling more. I'm still getting used to it. Now I still have intellectual struggles (a lot) but I have more... personal struggles as well. I don't think it's entirely to do with the school I am in. It's also because of my age.

No more time, no more time, 11 days to finals and my head is full of cotton and fluffy emotions.

It's time to return to stage 1, square 1, whatever. It's time to return to my cave dwelling where hallowed law readings lie. It's time for me to sit on my carpet and venture into the realm of law and facts and semantics. That is where no emotion distracts me. That is where I keep all my emotions in a fish tank, and I let the fish tank sit there undisturbed, swirling with murky algae waters. That is where I take my brain out of hiding and I actually use it. And now that I'm in the cave, this is where I remain until 20 April.
(Short respite to school tomorrow to do a project report though. But I carry my cave with me.)

I feel like I'm not growing up fast enough. I'm living in between lalaland and earth (and earth is where I appreciate how hard I'm gonna work.
And everyone around me is on earth.
I'm such a kid

And prof sang this in class

Lovely.

I'm quite horrible at time management.

Random thoughts:
1. A lot of my friends, even those who have known me for several years already, are surprised to find out that I'm such an emotional person.
Oh, you didn't know...

2. Was cringing at myself today for some reason and I remembered Steve Jobs' speech, which ended off with:
"Be foolish."
Wise advice, because only when we're foolish are we our true selves.
I don't mean foolish in a bimbotic or act cute way. We should be knowingly foolish-- we know the consequences yet we still choose to do it because we just feel for it so much.

3. OMG I MUST STUDY KTHXBYE

I grew up thinking that justice existed for everyone
But that the scales of justice would always tip slightly in my favour.
I grew up thinking that everyone was great
But that maybe I was just slightly better.
I grew up thinking that I could make anyone like me
But that it was just a matter of my choice.
I grew up thinking that time was precious
But that my time was slightly more important than anyone else's.
I grew up thinking that the world had many glorious paths of success
But that I had a secret priority ticket to embark on them.
I grew up thinking that our parents were wise and loving
But that maybe I had that daring in me that could triumph over their wisdom and love
(And maybe I really do, but I have nothing in the world to back up my belief, except a stubborn well of faith deep in me)

All these illusions have almost totally faded now
What a self-centred frog-in-the-well I was

But one thing remains with me
I have always had family and friends who look out for me
And hopefully I'm looking out for them too
And not too busy with scrutinising myself

:/ there's a band called the Pains of Growing Up.

For the benefit of those who haven't read
Things you have to learn
1. Learn to be happy on your own
2. Love yourself
3. Not easy to do both, but just keep trying even if it takes all your life

Are you free? 
"Those chains around you — can you see them? And do you know what they are made of? Or do you just pretend that you can’t hear their little jingle-jangle when you walk? You’ll say, “Oh, it just wasn’t the right time, I’ll be fine,” but we can see you frantically looking for the key out of the corner of your eyes. You know that it’s somewhere, but perhaps part of you doesn’t want to know what will happen if you find it."

Oh gosh so true.

It's time for me to learn to have some steel in my spine. No more whining about my backlog, about the vicissitudes of life, about my horrible grades, and about lack of sleep (although sleep is still very important to me. If not for having enough sleep last night I think I wouldn't even have the resolve to type this down).

It's time for me to start work.

I think the 'steel in your spines' thing was said by my prof. Oh gosh. She's really mean but some of her words really stick to my mind.

OneRepublic are awesome.



^their new album!!! Which has awesome previews, so the songs must really be awesome.

Awesome is not a good enough word.

My impossible fantasy-- talk to the band and sit in their jamming sessions.

I realize that I construct artificial limits around myself. I care too much what people think about me. So I don't dare to do some stuff. :/