What am I doing with my life? Besides worrying about me, myself and I, and doing things that fulfil my own selfish purposes. I haven't been doing anything meaningful. I'm a pen-pusher.
Is it time to change that? I'm not sure, because when school comes, I'll find that I won't have time for anything else beyond my studies again.
Maybe the time to change it will come after I graduate and I start working, which is when my life falls into a more regular pattern.
Besides that gripe, I think life is pretty good.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Thursday, July 17, 2014
I love how being young is about assuming (and rather rightly so) that time is on my side, and that I have a certain allowance to be irresponsible.
At least in this part of the world.
I'm rather tired of hearing people around me talk about their plans which will ultimately fulfil some goal, or bring them to success. I mean it is not THEIR idea of success they are talking about. It's society's idea of success that all their life's plans revolve around. Right, the very same people will scoff at what I just said, and may privately call me all manner of insults such as lazy, defeatist, naive. But scoff all they want, I want to hear my OWN voice amidst this cacophony.
Growing up is realizing that there are actually so few people, maybe none, who agree with you. But maybe the next phase for me is having a big enough heart to be able to listen to these different voices, accept them, and still be able to hear and heed my own.
At least in this part of the world.
I'm rather tired of hearing people around me talk about their plans which will ultimately fulfil some goal, or bring them to success. I mean it is not THEIR idea of success they are talking about. It's society's idea of success that all their life's plans revolve around. Right, the very same people will scoff at what I just said, and may privately call me all manner of insults such as lazy, defeatist, naive. But scoff all they want, I want to hear my OWN voice amidst this cacophony.
Growing up is realizing that there are actually so few people, maybe none, who agree with you. But maybe the next phase for me is having a big enough heart to be able to listen to these different voices, accept them, and still be able to hear and heed my own.
Monday, July 14, 2014
I want to be less emotional, and more rational. I want to be more independent. I want to be a free spirit whose happiness and motivation doesn't depend on extrinsic factors.
There are people I know who might be sceptical about the last goal but I want to shut their voices out. These choices might make me a less likeable person, although I suspect I've never really been likeable. But it's time to turn off that very child-like need to be likeable.
And here's a lovely music video by Colbie Caillat :)
When you're alone by yourself
Do you like you?
Okay, that being said, I still approve of applying make-up when necessary:
1. Eyeliner: It makes me look more alert. I'm sure most of us need help in this department because there are days when we just don't have enough sleep and our eyes can't open fully. I wouldn't want to look sleepy in the office.
2. Foundation: Only if I have pimples or whatever non-beige stuff on my face. Otherwise, I would leave it out because it clogs up my pores and gives me pimples.
3. Eye shadow: Maybe. It's nice because it brings out the eyes. But not as necessary as eyeliner. It is, however, a must for special events such as weddings.
4. Lip thingy: Lip balm, lip gloss, lip stick, whatever I happen to have at the moment. Because air-con produces chapped lips, and chapped lips are distracting and might border on gross.
But anyway I think the message of that song has another deeper meaning, that is to love yourself as you are. And not listen to people who tell you to be ____-er e.g. sexier, prettier, whatever. It's so cool (and smart) of Colbie Caillat to make this video ('cos there's a lot of people out there who are trying to spread the same message out there as well so she's riding the wave).
I've walked into make-up shops feeling rather bewildered at the variety of make-up available. I can't imagine why people would buy so much make-up, unless they actually have so much time to paint their faces every morning, or unless they were professional make-up artists.
There are people I know who might be sceptical about the last goal but I want to shut their voices out. These choices might make me a less likeable person, although I suspect I've never really been likeable. But it's time to turn off that very child-like need to be likeable.
And here's a lovely music video by Colbie Caillat :)
When you're alone by yourself
Do you like you?
Okay, that being said, I still approve of applying make-up when necessary:
1. Eyeliner: It makes me look more alert. I'm sure most of us need help in this department because there are days when we just don't have enough sleep and our eyes can't open fully. I wouldn't want to look sleepy in the office.
2. Foundation: Only if I have pimples or whatever non-beige stuff on my face. Otherwise, I would leave it out because it clogs up my pores and gives me pimples.
3. Eye shadow: Maybe. It's nice because it brings out the eyes. But not as necessary as eyeliner. It is, however, a must for special events such as weddings.
4. Lip thingy: Lip balm, lip gloss, lip stick, whatever I happen to have at the moment. Because air-con produces chapped lips, and chapped lips are distracting and might border on gross.
But anyway I think the message of that song has another deeper meaning, that is to love yourself as you are. And not listen to people who tell you to be ____-er e.g. sexier, prettier, whatever. It's so cool (and smart) of Colbie Caillat to make this video ('cos there's a lot of people out there who are trying to spread the same message out there as well so she's riding the wave).
I've walked into make-up shops feeling rather bewildered at the variety of make-up available. I can't imagine why people would buy so much make-up, unless they actually have so much time to paint their faces every morning, or unless they were professional make-up artists.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Time for some disgusting honesty. I might sound a little scary so please don't judge, but even if you do, I'm past caring, I guess.
Overdue revelation: I have intense self-doubt and fear of failure. (revelations usually come when I have extended holidays, when I have the time to deal with repressed feelings).
How did I come to this revelation? Well that's not important. I just know that when people remark about my mistakes or shortcomings I dwell on it and remember it for quite long, on the pretext that these remarks will motivate me to be smarter. And my unremarkable grades contribute to that already intense feeling of self-doubt. I do remember having particularly strong reactions to some poor grades I received (in private, because big girls aren't supposed to cry), although thinking back, I think my reactions were rather irrational. I've cried about sadder things and I'm damn sure grades should not be on my life's priority list. Most law classmates don't help, either, because they are all so freaking perfectionist and have such high standards for everything. I can clearly recall remarks like:
1. 'Can you aim higher; B+ is NOT good'
2. 'B is average' (okay, it is average, I know, I'm just referring to the tone)
3. 'Shit I got a B- and I'm SO DEPRESSED' (and to somebody who's been there a few times, you can imagine how it feels hearing somebody go on and on about a single B-, and I'm still there trying to comfort them and tell them that life hasn't ended. Dude, nobody comforted me. All I got when I told people about my B minuses was a small 'oh' and an intense expression of mourning, which was totally unnecessary because I was already privately mourning. No one gave me a nonchalant look and told me to get on with life). Everyone is just. so. hung. up. about. grades.
I can recall many instances of how I felt my blood pressure go up just by sitting with a bunch of them. Just being around them makes me feel like a black sheep that everyone secretly thinks doesn't belong. It makes me feel like I've gotta give 110% all the time or I'd never match up to standards. Makes me feel so tired. Makes me feel depressed.
I know I can't blame anyone for this, because it's just the environment I happened to place myself in. And face it, I can find people like that everywhere. I know the issue is internal.
So I googled something about self-doubt and here's what I got, and I shall link it here for the sake of completeness, and also for anyone who happens to have the same issue.
Since the post mentions trying to be around people who make you feel positive, I'll dwell a little on that. I can think of a very precious few people in my life whom I'm totally comfortable being with, and who give me positive feelings the whole time I'm with them (no matter how little the time), and I think I can only think of... 2. Which is not bad already, but not enough either.
I guess the best conclusion to reach is that I'm the best person who can give myself the motivation I need. And I need to shut out all voices, within and without, that critique myself excessively.
I know I've chosen a path that has given me lots of unhappiness, and I know I'm not the only one who feels like that. Here's the price of not knowing what you truly want in life, and it's a price that many youths pay to buy peace of mind and approving looks from everyone. And... I have no response and no substantiation for my decision anymore. It's just practical to keep moving and try to armour myself as best as I can along the way. And what I'm learning is interesting, sometimes. It's not a total bore. What are the stakes? My happiness. So I need to stop it from leaking away.
I've read mini-biographies before, and usually the people being interviewed about it (famous people of course) say they turn it into a positive force that makes them want to work harder. That's good advice but I need to know when that force becomes destructive to myself. I know it has destroyed a part of me, and I need to get that part back again.
I feel like I meet with brick walls whatever I try to do, and at times like this I truly feel the need to get away and be myself for once in my life, for an extended period, not just a day.
(and when people tell me I'm such a carefree and optimistic person, and that they'd like to be like that too, I realize all they are seeing is a facade I've put up for the world to see.)
Overdue revelation: I have intense self-doubt and fear of failure. (revelations usually come when I have extended holidays, when I have the time to deal with repressed feelings).
How did I come to this revelation? Well that's not important. I just know that when people remark about my mistakes or shortcomings I dwell on it and remember it for quite long, on the pretext that these remarks will motivate me to be smarter. And my unremarkable grades contribute to that already intense feeling of self-doubt. I do remember having particularly strong reactions to some poor grades I received (in private, because big girls aren't supposed to cry), although thinking back, I think my reactions were rather irrational. I've cried about sadder things and I'm damn sure grades should not be on my life's priority list. Most law classmates don't help, either, because they are all so freaking perfectionist and have such high standards for everything. I can clearly recall remarks like:
1. 'Can you aim higher; B+ is NOT good'
2. 'B is average' (okay, it is average, I know, I'm just referring to the tone)
3. 'Shit I got a B- and I'm SO DEPRESSED' (and to somebody who's been there a few times, you can imagine how it feels hearing somebody go on and on about a single B-, and I'm still there trying to comfort them and tell them that life hasn't ended. Dude, nobody comforted me. All I got when I told people about my B minuses was a small 'oh' and an intense expression of mourning, which was totally unnecessary because I was already privately mourning. No one gave me a nonchalant look and told me to get on with life). Everyone is just. so. hung. up. about. grades.
I can recall many instances of how I felt my blood pressure go up just by sitting with a bunch of them. Just being around them makes me feel like a black sheep that everyone secretly thinks doesn't belong. It makes me feel like I've gotta give 110% all the time or I'd never match up to standards. Makes me feel so tired. Makes me feel depressed.
I know I can't blame anyone for this, because it's just the environment I happened to place myself in. And face it, I can find people like that everywhere. I know the issue is internal.
So I googled something about self-doubt and here's what I got, and I shall link it here for the sake of completeness, and also for anyone who happens to have the same issue.
Since the post mentions trying to be around people who make you feel positive, I'll dwell a little on that. I can think of a very precious few people in my life whom I'm totally comfortable being with, and who give me positive feelings the whole time I'm with them (no matter how little the time), and I think I can only think of... 2. Which is not bad already, but not enough either.
I guess the best conclusion to reach is that I'm the best person who can give myself the motivation I need. And I need to shut out all voices, within and without, that critique myself excessively.
I know I've chosen a path that has given me lots of unhappiness, and I know I'm not the only one who feels like that. Here's the price of not knowing what you truly want in life, and it's a price that many youths pay to buy peace of mind and approving looks from everyone. And... I have no response and no substantiation for my decision anymore. It's just practical to keep moving and try to armour myself as best as I can along the way. And what I'm learning is interesting, sometimes. It's not a total bore. What are the stakes? My happiness. So I need to stop it from leaking away.
I've read mini-biographies before, and usually the people being interviewed about it (famous people of course) say they turn it into a positive force that makes them want to work harder. That's good advice but I need to know when that force becomes destructive to myself. I know it has destroyed a part of me, and I need to get that part back again.
I feel like I meet with brick walls whatever I try to do, and at times like this I truly feel the need to get away and be myself for once in my life, for an extended period, not just a day.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Useful things I learnt from my mum:
1. Don't care about what others think because it's their business what they want to think; it won't affect you in any way. Just listen and see where they are coming from. And something I found out -- the more you try to change others, the more they shut you out. Care more about what you think.
That's a very good life skill.
2. Be creative with your free time.
I'm so bored with all the free time I have that I feel semi-insane, but my mum gives me random ideas even when she's busy with her own work.
... like making pancakes (although she didn't expect me to do it with a rice cooker)
3. Self-confidence
My mum is a sharp talker and strives for excellence. So you've got to be a rather self-confident person around her. Not a bad thing-- the advantage is that you know for sure when you're wrong.
1. Don't care about what others think because it's their business what they want to think; it won't affect you in any way. Just listen and see where they are coming from. And something I found out -- the more you try to change others, the more they shut you out. Care more about what you think.
That's a very good life skill.
2. Be creative with your free time.
I'm so bored with all the free time I have that I feel semi-insane, but my mum gives me random ideas even when she's busy with her own work.
... like making pancakes (although she didn't expect me to do it with a rice cooker)
3. Self-confidence
My mum is a sharp talker and strives for excellence. So you've got to be a rather self-confident person around her. Not a bad thing-- the advantage is that you know for sure when you're wrong.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labour has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.
(TFIOS, Augustus)
On this point, I can really learn from Augustus, when it comes to me and finding stuff to occupy myself with. I can't sit by and wait for my internship to arrive. I can't not bother to explore stuff on the net and learn about meaningful stuff just because it's not going to help me in my studies. So what I do this holidays will come to naught but I would still do it anyway... okay the link is rather tenuous. I recall a time in my teens when I was a avid reader, curious about the world... I don't think my teen self would have recognized the bummer I am now.
(TFIOS, Augustus)
On this point, I can really learn from Augustus, when it comes to me and finding stuff to occupy myself with. I can't sit by and wait for my internship to arrive. I can't not bother to explore stuff on the net and learn about meaningful stuff just because it's not going to help me in my studies. So what I do this holidays will come to naught but I would still do it anyway... okay the link is rather tenuous. I recall a time in my teens when I was a avid reader, curious about the world... I don't think my teen self would have recognized the bummer I am now.
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