If I were happy I would just keep the happiness in my heart/on my face/tell it to some people and not on a damn blog.
Well actually my day was very well-spent today. Went to do pw at friend's house. Very fruitful. Slow, but making progress. Yay!
Okay that was just to try to balance out the rest of the negative feelings I have.
Zzzzzz I don't know why I'm feeling so pissed. It could be the start-of-holiday side effects.
As I type I think all the frustration is dissipating. Oh well. That's a good thing.
Thought about a lot of things today, on the way back home from friend's house. Thought process wasn't made easier by some loud auntie in front of me who kept spewing hokkien vulgarities =.= and a lousy phone radio.
Haiz. Generally, the things troubling me are a. band and b. my first week of the holidays
a. I do feel really excluded from the rest of the batch. I mean, I doubt if our batch is truly that bonded yet, currently it's just casual acquaintances and casual friends, it does not have intense bromances or sisterhoods etc.etc. But everything's just done without us. I do feel quite relieved that I'm not the only member still trying to learn how to play her instrument. And I understand that it's just natural-- we aren't exactly involved in the concert so there isn't much work for us to do and naturally we are left out of the heat of things.
But I do get this feeling of emptiness.
And on a side note, I've remembered that on some balmy afternoon in the near past I actually submitted an exco form, which effectively signs me up for an exco interview and an election speech.
It's not difficult to do go through an interview and come up with a speech.
It's the audience who matter.
How do I speak with sincerity when the people I know well enough can be counted on just one hand?
Total sian-ness.
Tomorrow is concert.
Concert=words of encouragement + flowers to everyone who performs.
I guess I can manage that. It's like a default social code.
b. Okay. This isn't such a big problem. But it doesn't make me feel any better. I don't feel like saying it now since my emotional cavity has some empty space for me to store it.
I think this sentence I just typed gives me the impression that I have an inner nerd. >_> it sounds 100% nerd to me.
Not the point.
c. I am not spending enough time with my mother. It's such a frustrating feeling when I tell her I have blahblah on for the whole afternonn/day, and I see her face fall an inch.
I need to go for that event. I also recognize the need for family time.
HOW LAH.
damn irritating can.
On a side note, this shows how I can never become a super-ultra-student-with-sparkly-eye-popping-portfolio because such students do need to spend their whole JC life in school, give up their holidays for research-- physically and mentally. I cannot achieve that. I cannot give up my time for something that threatens to eat up all of it.
Also I do not have the mood to chat with my mum now. I'm too pissed off.
On a slightly brighter note, I have 2 free weeks of holidays on my hands. Besides studying for BTs i guess I could take out some time for her.
d. I haven't had a nice heart-to-heart talk with anyone for ages. Usually I have such talks with a thirteener.
Problem is, I don't see them as often as I hope to.
You know, in this book called Childhood's End, there are these children who realize that they can communicate through thought shapes. Thought shapes are basically emotions and ideas packaged in your brain and sent to someone else's brain through some invisible network somewhere. E.g. if you're scared you can send out thought shapes without talking/moving and that person senses it, and probably goes to your rescue.
This way, 1) people reach each other more easily and 2) there is no possibility of misinterpretation of words.
Sometimes I wish we could do that.
Of course this would probably also mean that we'll get bombarded by thoughts all day and then we'll probably grow mad with all the emotional confusion that's in our head.
Baabaablacksheep.
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