Feeling happier already.

:)

Thanks for talking to me. :)

SIGH I think my blog is on emo-overload arghhh but seriously that was why I set up a blog in the first place.

If I were happy I would just keep the happiness in my heart/on my face/tell it to some people and not on a damn blog.

Well actually my day was very well-spent today. Went to do pw at friend's house. Very fruitful. Slow, but making progress. Yay!

Okay that was just to try to balance out the rest of the negative feelings I have.

Zzzzzz I don't know why I'm feeling so pissed. It could be the start-of-holiday side effects.

As I type I think all the frustration is dissipating. Oh well. That's a good thing.

Thought about a lot of things today, on the way back home from friend's house. Thought process wasn't made easier by some loud auntie in front of me who kept spewing hokkien vulgarities =.= and a lousy phone radio.

Haiz. Generally, the things troubling me are a. band and b. my first week of the holidays

a. I do feel really excluded from the rest of the batch. I mean, I doubt if our batch is truly that bonded yet, currently it's just casual acquaintances and casual friends, it does not have intense bromances or sisterhoods etc.etc. But everything's just done without us. I do feel quite relieved that I'm not the only member still trying to learn how to play her instrument. And I understand that it's just natural-- we aren't exactly involved in the concert so there isn't much work for us to do and naturally we are left out of the heat of things.

But I do get this feeling of emptiness.

And on a side note, I've remembered that on some balmy afternoon in the near past I actually submitted an exco form, which effectively signs me up for an exco interview and an election speech.

It's not difficult to do go through an interview and come up with a speech.

It's the audience who matter.

How do I speak with sincerity when the people I know well enough can be counted on just one hand?

Total sian-ness.

Tomorrow is concert.

Concert=words of encouragement + flowers to everyone who performs.

I guess I can manage that. It's like a default social code.

b. Okay. This isn't such a big problem. But it doesn't make me feel any better. I don't feel like saying it now since my emotional cavity has some empty space for me to store it.

I think this sentence I just typed gives me the impression that I have an inner nerd. >_> it sounds 100% nerd to me.

Not the point.

c. I am not spending enough time with my mother. It's such a frustrating feeling when I tell her I have blahblah on for the whole afternonn/day, and I see her face fall an inch.

I need to go for that event. I also recognize the need for family time.

HOW LAH.

damn irritating can.

On a side note, this shows how I can never become a super-ultra-student-with-sparkly-eye-popping-portfolio because such students do need to spend their whole JC life in school, give up their holidays for research-- physically and mentally. I cannot achieve that. I cannot give up my time for something that threatens to eat up all of it.

Also I do not have the mood to chat with my mum now. I'm too pissed off.

On a slightly brighter note, I have 2 free weeks of holidays on my hands. Besides studying for BTs i guess I could take out some time for her.

d. I haven't had a nice heart-to-heart talk with anyone for ages. Usually I have such talks with a thirteener.

Problem is, I don't see them as often as I hope to.

You know, in this book called Childhood's End, there are these children who realize that they can communicate through thought shapes. Thought shapes are basically emotions and ideas packaged in your brain and sent to someone else's brain through some invisible network somewhere. E.g. if you're scared you can send out thought shapes without talking/moving and that person senses it, and probably goes to your rescue.

This way, 1) people reach each other more easily and 2) there is no possibility of misinterpretation of words.

Sometimes I wish we could do that.

Of course this would probably also mean that we'll get bombarded by thoughts all day and then we'll probably grow mad with all the emotional confusion that's in our head.

Baabaablacksheep.

I was letting my thoughts wander a bit more than usual today before starting on my homework and suddenly this feeling of sadness descended upon me, because I realized that the June hols were coming soon.

Lol I donno why I feel sad that the holidays are coming. I think I like the routine of school life... and that permanent whirl of activity around me in school. At home, it will just be me and my notes... D:

I was also letting my mind wander a bit more than usual today during school, especially during econs, and I felt a sudden urge to not grow up and just stay in J1.

Not get retained, just let everything stop and stay at J1. Mmm I think it's horrible being an adult.

I'd much rather have the routine of school and also that perpetual feeling of having a clear concrete goal in life(short-term) --- to sit for the exams.

When I get out of school there's such a myriad of possibilities waiting for me that it would probably get too confusing.

Hahhh never mind I'm having trouble placing my thoughts. Why? Cos it's 1 am in the morning.

Good night! :)

Wow I'm so envious of the choir people they get to go to exotic places like France and Czech and they get to step in Dubai's airport arghhhh!

I want to travel around the world!

Reached home today at about 7, had dinner until 8 because I watched TV ;) and after that I had a nice shower.

Remembered that I had KI work. So I took out the book to annotate and come up with more points but I was so sleepy that I alternated between dozing off and annotating the book. So from about 9 till now,which is 10.30, I haven't done anything really productive. And here I am!

I'm listening to the Forrest Gump soundtrack, because the chorus kind of planted itself in my head after band :). Somehow the soundtrack makes me feel sad and sleepy... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEN1_ggo_GQ&feature=related

I think I'll start on work soon, after I feel more refreshed :D

CSM today was vaguely more interesting than the past few years', mostly because I walked around and we collected 13ers on the way :D and also met teachers.

I'm quite bored now. So I'm going to write more... crap...

I remember reading about this guy who quit a prestigious job because he looked around at his colleagues, and didn't see anyone he would want to die for.

Really extreme, but it is something that makes me think of what I actually want.

Do I want academic prestige, i.e. good grades and a wonderful portfolio, or would it be more rewarding if I built my friendships better? Friendships that last beyond helping each other with homework...

Normally I don't think of such things because 1. there are many other things on my mind and 2. I try to strike a balance between the two (and probably don't succeed at doing so).

Hmm I don't have an answer to that.

Eee I'm addicted to the Forrest Gump soundtrack.

Heheh I feel a thrill of excitement whenever somebody mentions Lord of the Rings. My first thought is, "Is this person also a fan of LOTR? :D:D"

Shame and Scandal in the Family is really quite a cute song. Maybe rather sadistic too. But the humour>sadism

:D

Meanwhile I'm trying to do some prelim research for KI. How does one conduct a lesson about History? D:

I miss my iPod!

I miss people.

I'm missing my responsibilities as a daughter. I only realized today that it's Mother's Day tomorrow.

:/

And my brother who's definitely busier than I am remembered and even bought something already.

I'm missing the time I used to have as well.

I'm missing my speech. It's hard to say things in class now.

*Agrees with pling about sth she said in her blog*

On a brighter note, today was kind of a pleasant day and I'm going to sleep now :D

Sleeping at 9.50 pm: Record-breaking!

Sleepiness is setting in... -_-

I was aiming to sleep by 11 tonight. But when you're on the computer the time-space continuum gets distorted.

D:

Nah. Have to do pw presentation by today...

Plus a whole ton of revision for next week... ahhh... die already lahhhh...

Shall listen to a lively song to wake myself up...

Anyway, I had something to say.

We were talking about how competitiveness in sports was going the wrong way nowadays, towards elitism.

Some guy behind me said, with quite a bit of conviction (which is why I diverted my attention to listening to this anonymous guy), "Why do we always have to compare ourselves to them? It's like life is meaningless without them. Isn't this quite sad?"

Yup I agree totally.

The safest and probably one of the most effective ways to motivate yourself is to live by your own expectations, not somebody else's.

Something to brighten up your day/night:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qq1dR46_7mg

(Owl City, Hot Air Balloon)

Oh yes I'm not trying to earn any money or anything... >_>

Have a nice weekend with Chemistry and Economics and Maths!

@@

:)

Ahh, feeling sad that I missed band outing! :/ Cos it's like the only time when I can actually chat with the many band members that I still don't know (because I'm not in main band yet, and even so, main banders don't really talk to each other because most of the time it's just practising). Other than that people are just too focused on their practice/have somewhere else to go/something else to do besides band.

o_o sounds like a previous post. lol wtv.

Donno why, but I decided that econs project meeting should take priority over band outing. Zzz.

Anyway, we finished our econs picture book! :D

Mmm band outing took the form of an amazing race. Sounds fun...!

Hopefully the next band outing is like during June hols. :D

Was listening to oldies (carpenters, loretta lynn, etc.) and fei yu qing's songs on my mum's mp3. Hehe. I told her that I feel like I've aged 10 years by listening to them. But the songs are really not bad.

Ahh a lot of work to do bye.

Hard to do work with emails from facebook popping up every now and then.