Everything that was a chore back in Singapore is now a joy to do.
1. Shopping for necessities: bread, nail clippers, even sanitary pads. I love it. The excitement of buying a bag of oats for fun, just because it looks like it would make a good quick lunch.
2. Cleaning up my room
3. Walking to school: because the weather is GREAT! I've gotten used to the cold, I think, and it's just like the whole world is air-conditioned. I love it even when I shiver from the cold wind.
 4. Not knowing anyone almost everywhere I go: while it may feel a little lonely sometimes, I think it's also liberating at the same time. It makes it easier to tell myself to "fuck-it-all"/YOLO.

I've also become more keenly aware of human nature, at least a little bit. About who people are, how they think, how they operate. And also more aware of who I am, beneath all the complexes and insecurities created over all these years.
Sounds deep, yeah? I can't even explain it myself. But it's a good thing.

Exchange life is good. I sleep quite a lot. And I have more freedom. I'm happy here, but I never really stop being homesick, because I think of home frequently.
Not sure if it's wise to be writing things like this, but anyway, I think having all this space makes me realize things about myself. Like how I have social anxiety sometimes. I wouldn't say it's at the level of a social anxiety disorder; it's just sometimes. For example:

1. How I want to get the HKU law hoodie and I started thinking about how people would judge me.
I told my HK (law) friend my thoughts, and she looked at me like I was crazy. "But you're studying law! People are just stupid if they think you're being elitist!"
I think this elitism is a very Singaporean thing? In the educational rat race, everyone behaves weirdly. Including myself. In other countries, I think the students worry about different things.

2. How the prof made us do an introduction in class today, round the circle, and I started feeling panicky.
Because I suspected the prof was Singaporean (he is) and... I got panicky cos I'm Singaporean too. Ikr, no logic there... Just afraid that he'd start asking me law stuff about Singapore, I guess. And because the class was really small (~10 people) and I felt exposed.
But the class is interesting. 

3. How I felt nervous in every class I attended in the first week of school
But that's quite normal, I guess

4. How I feel nervous when the prof asks the class a question
The horrors of class participation and how I've never got the hang of it. But it's getting better, the way to manage it is to look away. Or just answer it when it's a dead-easy question and move on.
But I really hate profs who cold-call. There's a prof here who cold-calls, but I think he only targets the smart ones who definitely know the answer, so I think that's nice and fair. What's the point in calling somebody who doesn't know and wasting time, waiting for an answer that will be sub-standard/wrong anyway? Wastes time. You've got to give class participation marks, but you cannot forget that the class is there to LEARN, not guess. And doing readings doesn't always translate into being able to talk about it.

But living in a student hall makes me less self-conscious. Because I notice that everyone is the same, everyone has basic needs and everyone takes care of her basic needs in her own way. I don't judge my floormates/roommate for doing things their way (except when they shout or bang the door at night), and they don't too. They are very friendly. And I reciprocate the friendliness.

By writing all this, I'm not trying to glorify weaknesses, i.e. trying to be cool by having all this weaknesses. It's not cool... I'm trying to solve it. And I know I can.

My floormates damn drama leh... I think they are gossiping in their rooms, and they talk/laugh super loudly. But it's only a few of them.

Also today my prof said "you've got to do your readings to excel in this class. and there's no point taking a class you won't excel in. this is the real world!". And he gave this all-knowing smile. And I thought "here we go".

Anyway, I remember this really inspiring quote from Boyhood the movie. At the end of the movie, the boy (a young adult by the end of the movie) talks to his (girl)friend. She says, "You know how everyone says carpe diem? Seize the day? I feel like it's actually the other way round. Time is actually seizing us, and we have no escape out of it."
Cool words!

I'm not very used to this life yet-- sharing a room, not having any close friends or family around me, and having to settle my own meals.
But soon I will get used to it I guess! The people I've met so far are quite nice and they are the sporting type-- they like to go out. And I think I will start cooking my own meals too. It's just too sad to wander around the streets and look for a place with nice food and then eat alone at a strange table. It's good to have a hand in one's diet-- healthy soup, simple boiling, that's good enough. Reminds me of home.
Yesterday I had a bout of homesickness. Started thinking how convenient everything was back at home. And how comfy my bed is, and everyone else. But then I thought of SMU and then I realized I'm quite glad to be here. :P I don't think I'll ever stop feeling homesick-- I'll feel homesick everyday, but I'll also enjoy (almost) everyday, yeah.
Met my buddy today. She's nice. And she's really busy. I was just thinking that I'll never be like her-- I actually seem lazy and unmotivated next to her lol. I realize that my HK friends (2 of them) are really hardworking people.  They don't take anything for granted. They actually have a clear ambition in life-- both of them want to be criminal litigators. Cool. They complained about how corporate work was very boring. I agree. And I'm quite impressed by how they don't choose the well-trodden path of corporate work (which I settled for), and how they both seem confident of where they are going with life, and how they are humble as well. They know how hard it is to achieve their goal but they don't seem to be wavering. It's really competitive in HK. More so than in Singapore, I would say. So it is through them that I see myself clearly-- I don't think I'm all that interested in being a lawyer, given the amount of complaining I do about how much struggling there is and how pointless I think it is.
I think by being a criminal lawyer, one will really make a difference to society. But I won't be a criminal lawyer. They started talking about this body parts murder in HK, which happened last year, and I felt really squeamish like all my blood vessels were quivering. I don't think I'll be any lawyer, at the rate things are going. But it's fine, it's not too late to keep trying. And even if it doesn't yield any fruit, there's always alternative career plans which won't pale in comparison.
I just thought of how maybe I'm living life by going through the mill, and not really knowing what I want to do. Even though when I work hard for the law exams I tell myself 'yeah I'm gonna be a lawyer so I've gotta work hard for the exams'. It's just that-- I happened to be a good student, got okay grades, and lacked originality so I went into law school. But that's just one side of the story I guess. I genuinely enjoy learning some of the more philosophical/social science-y law modules.
I think I'll enjoy my lessons here. Even though I don't really have any friends in those classes, I think whether I have friends or not doesn't make a difference to my learning. Except maybe when the assignments come, and there's no one to consult, then there's a problem. But there will be a way. Anyway I'm an exchange student... so... I can give 99% and not 100%, something like that. :P

Sending all my love to Singapore. I've met 2 people so far who said that Singapore is an awesome place ("the best country", said one). Seemed pretty sincere. Cool.

Note to self:
1. Buy a HKU hoodie
2. Buy a winter hat
3. Do some hiking to stay warm
4. Eat more
5. Carry hot water to class

Sigh I ponned the 2nd half of a lesson today because the classroom was freezing. My neighbour (I made a new friend) said she wasn't cold. *puzzled* Maybe it was because I didn't have time to eat dinner, and my lunch was only a polo bun and an egg tart (well I wasn't hungry!). I feel much less hungry here than back home, for some reason. Maybe I need to exercise more to make myself hungry. And I'm still recovering from a cold/flu.

Anyway, the studying never goes away on exchange, even though by the time school started here I already let myself think that I was here to play. There are still a lot of readings. Today the prof said that there's "600 pages of readings" and "if you can't take it, then you can't take this course" and "when I mark your exam papers I'll look out for those who didn't do their readings". Sighpies. But I'm not gonna drop it because I think it is a relatively interesting and useful course (International Economic Law). I was still thinking last week of all the empty hours I would have and how I wanted to go exploring HK but now I think I'll spend 80% of those empty hours doing my readings.

Anyway HK people are generally very nice, much nicer than Singaporean people I would say. Or maybe I really mean to say they are much nicer than I am? They are quite willing to help when you ask. And most of them genuinely help, instead of just fending you off with a short answer.And actually when I say HK people, I really mean "HKU students".

The law library here is awesome and really comfortable. But COLD. Again, I wasn't appropriately dressed and I didn't bring my hot water flask with me today (stupid me).

The top 10 things you may not know about Legolas the elf.
:D this is such important reading. "he looks great in those tight-ass elf pants" LOL.
in love with Elves right now. Wish I could be one of them. Or marry one of them. Or both. Hottest elves on middle-earth are Legolas and Thranduil (Legolas' dad). I think elf-babies would look so adorable. Pointy-ears. Wait it seems I have not seen any Chinese elves. Time to stop the rambling before I shatter my own dream.

Yes! End of exams. I feel like a great, great load has been lifted off my mind. A load so heavy that I didn't know how heavy it was till it lifted. It's like being reborn. This is probably the semester where I've worked the hardest and felt the most stressed. That's saying something since I already felt like I was at my peak of stress in Year 1. But this is a different kind of stress because I had less fun-- no samba. Yes, samba was fun in year 1 but in year 2 it morphed into something more pretentious. Anyway.
I don't feel completely relaxed because my ears are being assaulted with things like 'are you going to take the bar exam' and 'how's your TC applications'. In my head I'm screaming omg, give me a fking break please. But I answer them anyway because I feel obliged to. And it's really a very neutral and curious question, but I just feel assaulted because I think of the implications behind all these words. Well what do I mean by implications? Read on...
Also, I had this internship interview a while ago (as I mentioned to some of you). Well, they rejected me! And they didn't tell me the reason, just wished me good luck with my life, etc. But apparently it was because during the interview she asked me: so where do you see yourself in 5 years? And inside me the alarm bells started ringing. I was thinking, 'whoa whoa, I don't see myself anywhere in 5 years man, who has that sort of plan right now? Not me! And I've got my exams to think about!'. So I said to her, I don't think I'm limiting myself to a legal career, but I would like to explore other options like in the public service or in other companies, such as banks. So apparently this is not the right answer to give because it shows how un-determined/un-prepared I am. Apparently I should have lied through my teeth and said, oh yeah man, I got it all mapped out, I'm going to be a lawyer and hopefully in 5 years I'll be an associate. She told me that their decision didn't have anything to do with my results or whatever, but of course that's just a standard buttering-up-and-smoothing-things-over-don't-curse-me-i'm-innocent kind of reply.
It's a bit of a pity because I was actually interested in that internship, not like the previous one I went for. But oh well.
Anyway. It feels very all-or-nothing,  because there's a 'right' answer for such things? Apparently I was being too honest and too 'square'? I'm not angry although I sound like I am. I'm just confused. Apparently I should have lied. But if I do that I feel like I'm prostituting myself. (I thought as mature adults, people would be more open-minded to different sorts of answers? Well maybe we all have different ideas of what maturity is.) But I guess that's how the working world works. No?
Next. TC apps. Also feels like I'm prostituting myself. I'm not super interested in being a lawyer. It's just another run-of-the-mill office job (but my colleagues... judging by the people in school... my colleagues would be a little strange. SORRY not talking about my FRIENDS in law but OTHER PEOPLE OKAY. and anyway if people said that I'm strange I would totally understand why. but if my friends think they are strange then... okay.) But apparently in getting a TC, I'd be giving myself a good foundation. Which I know in my rational mind to be true.
And the bar exam. I could certainly break my piggy bank and pay for the exam myself first. That would also be giving myself a leg-up career-wise. I don't actually mind; the bar exam isn't really an issue. Just more studying-- what I've been doing for the past decade or so.
It all seems to boil down to one fact-- that I'm not emotionally ready for commitment to a legal career. But screw emotions! I just need to put on a smile and tell people what they want to hear! And then think about my wrecked emotions later.
Sure, life is about getting your 'dream job'. Life is about finding your passion. But you find that the true meanings of these words are very malleable and un-dependable.

One thing I've learnt this semester is not to be too emotional. Not to cling to my emotions too much. Not to be too absolute in my beliefs. Not to be too...all-or-nothing. Because if I'm too absolute then the only person who knows is myself and the only person who gets hurt is myself. Which is freaking pointless. If you know what I mean.

Another thing. If you've managed to follow me through this roller-coaster of a post, then you should understand why people say that lawyers are psychopaths. That's why I said my colleagues would be strange. The stress brings out strange sides of people.

Another thing. It's time to enjoy myself. And BE myself.

sigh i'm exhausted and crazy.
one more paper lets go.


OMG just remembered that there's this damn cute guy called Nichkhun haha.

and so when i'm busy losing my head over exams, i come across this really sad <article>. Just goes to show that heroes can be found anywhere in anyone. those bastards should be shamed in public. and she was so YOUNG. there's so many things she could have done with her life. and now she's lost it all. and her family too. the consolation is that now everyone knows that she died a heroic death. which does not even compensate for all the time she lost.
i don't know what i would have done in that situation. walked away most likely? called the security guard at the most?
that woman's a hero.