I really want to hug somebody but those whom I wanna hug will probably freak out if I do so. Sad. I shall just be content with hugging my bolster and Mr Woofy, my faithful furry brown dog. And my mum, but she's not at home right now. So for now I will hug Mr Woofy.

I like discovering indie pop bands that have existed for a while already, and I can just listen to the songs they've already written. It's like discovering a new corner of the earth. E.g. Two Door Cinema Club and Young the Giant.

There's a strange emptiness in me but I suppose plenty of people feel that way. It's normal to. These people fill up their days with work and play but when they return home to their beds they feel an emptiness niggling in the depths of their hearts.
But today the emptiness is more pronounced in me. I'm not sure why. I think I'm just really tired.
I shall rest a while, and it has been quite long since I started resting, and then I will start studying something. There's a certain peace to be found in learning.
There's also a certain peace to be found in being by myself, sometimes, with my own thoughts.
But not for long.
Because I get bored with myself.




Okay I should stop living in Fluffyworld and start studying. Oh my I'm listening to Young the Giant's album on YouTube now. It's so good. My ears are singing with pleasure.

I'm a girl, and I think girls can be scary people. Are males really simpler creatures? Like almost everyone says.
But I also really like my twc group, which is all girls. They are a major reason why I'm happy today.
And today my friend said life is good. And I asked, what do you mean?! Cos I'm basically quite sian right now. And he said compare your life to those people in war torn countries. Well, okay, that's a good idea. That's being optimistic. And broad-minded.

Kind of dislike myself right now. But I'm myself for the rest of my life, so I just have to accept myself.

This sem is not a good sem. For one, today I woke at 8.30 am for an 8.30 class. Secondly I've gotten about 4 B minuses: 2 for 2 lrw assignments, 1 for  contract midterms test, 1 for analytical skills midterms.

I'm quite sure my gpa is gonna drop. To near 3. 

But what can I do, my friend. Tenacity's the word. Don't judge me based on my grades. :( 

And for my family, I will tell them that I don't think it's samba that is pulling my grades down, because I really did try to work on them. The problem is not lack of time, it's a lack of something in my brain that I have yet to find.

I think last sem the profs really spoonfed us and I understood stuff better. This sem it's really about getting down and dirty in my readings.

Am I supposed to feel a fear deep down in me? Cos I don't. I felt that fear just now, actually, when thinking through all this, but I just pushed it aside. There's no point studying out of fear. It's better to study because I have a clear goal in mind.
Last night I dreamt I was packing for a holiday. But I was very confused about the packing and I was throwing random things into my bag, and trying to be neat at the same time. And I wasn't dressed properly. I kept changing my clothes cos I wore them wrongly. And then I woke up peacefully at 8.30 am thinking it might be a Sunday, and the next moment I realized it's a Monday and I have a class.
Shit. My dream is so reflective of my life right now. I think I need to organize my tasklist better. When to finish what, what to finish, etc. Holy moly.

Apparently morale is quite low in my contract group right now because our written report just has to clash with the release of midterms results.
And here's a really cool drum cover! Omg this guy is sick. Listening with earphones/headphones might give you a cooler experience.

March on.....
And I have so many things to read I don't even know where to start.
But just start lah, talk what rubbish
Stop gaping at the amount of readings you left aside and start READING omg
If you start, it will turn out fine; if you don't start, it DEFINITELY WILL CRASH AND BURN

Here's a talented band who sang the song backwards, I think, so that they could film that funny paint-stripping part at the start. If I remember correctly I think Coldplay did that before? Only found out about this band because one day their drummer Darren King was strolling in Fort Canning Park, and heard Samba Masala practising there (I wasn't there though, I ponned), and took a photo of my bandmates and instagrammed them! :D Haha but their songs are really good anyway. Here's Mutemath!

Woke up at 1145 today. Slept at 12 plus last night. Just conked out all the way for about 11 hours! COOL.
Okay now I need to clear up my lrw shit

Maybe I'm getting a bit too uptight about grades. :( But at the same time... something is pushing me in the opposite direction. SIGH WHAT IS this crap.
Okay I think the crap is in me thinking too much. I hate getting all suspicious over stupid stuff like this

Okay back to clearing lrw shit

I think I know what's happening to me. All this while I've been holding this honest but blinkered belief that I was born with a better brain than other people. It might not show because I honestly also want to be a humble person so I've never been a flashy person. You might wonder why I have such a belief but if you know how I grew up, you will also know that I was taught to believe that I was born with a better brain than others. But there are events that are proving my belief wrong. And I feel this secretly elitist mentality in me dwindling, stripping down to a core. The core contains my fear and bewilderment at this thing called academics.
I feel like I'm going to approach academics in a more human manner right now. Minus the secret-elitist, the self-entitlement.
When I held that belief I didn't know why I was holding it, and the only reason that kept me holding it was my rather decent grades in JC. Don't judge. You probably also had decent grades in JC. Anyway, other than that, I felt  like it was really just a hollow belief. I didn't know in what other way my belief was justified, and whenever I questioned this belief, I felt a certain smallness, and I felt that I was very sheltered against the world.
When I started university I learnt that there were so many other things that were bigger than academics. Like the ability to hold a conversation in class, the ability to work in a totally random group of people who come from a place that is not a top-tier JC (AND SERIOUSLY I honestly don't mean any discrimination here since it is because of these groups that I did alright for my modules) and the ability to uh... be an interesting person who is respected in his/her circle. In sem 1 I felt that my secretly-elitist mentality was stripping down and right now I feel like it's almost all gone already.

And right now I'm just feeling very apprehensive. At every competitive person's core is a shitload of apprehension. I'm not going to think of people as smart or not anymore; I'm going to think of people as tenacious vs not tenacious. Tenacity reflects something much more than smartness; it reflects an almost overflowing sincerity for what you really want, and when somebody feels like that despite all the adversities and shit thrown his/her way, that somebody is somebody to be admired.
Guys, there is no such thing as smartness in this world. And when I say smart I mean that academic-smart kind of smart. There's another type of smartness, called working-smart, but I call that tenacity. Am I making sense?

My world just completely fell apart.
But don't worry about me, I'm saying that in a joking way. It has got to be quite a crappy world if it just fell apart so easily. It's not a world worth keeping.

Omg can I go to somewhere else and learn how to be a drummer/keyboardist/guitarist/vocalist and release my own album and film my music video backwards with paint stripping off me? It's alright if I don't earn much because I'll work at someplace else like at a kindergarten and childcare centre and that will be my back-up job while at nights I will go and jam with my band (if it exists).

Answer: yes you can, in your dreams.

Okay really back to lrw shit

My sleep cycle has definitely seen its better days, and definitely glorious days. Now it's in a slump. I'm doing stuff in a haze and today I woke up earlier to try to do some reading for my project report and upon seeing the tiny words of my textbook something in me turned rebellious and I decided to nap-- first on my bed then on the sofa. Then I left my house a little too late for my meeting at school. And all the while I'm just wondering if there's some problem with me. But deep inside I think there's nothing wrong. I just need sleep!
Mum fed me chicken essence and gave me a hug when she heard me whining (yes, was whining again this morning) and saw me being rebellious on my bed and the sofa. That was nice. I haven't hugged anyone in ages. The last thing I hugged was my friend's arm after contract lesson that day because my brain was just so woozy and saturated.
Thought of random friends on the way, smiled to myself; yesterday I also smiled at the thought of some people. 
I think I'm gonna be a hobo today and settle my lunch and dinner alone :( oh well. Life of a hobo university student who just needs to study a lot.

Head feels like it's clogged up with tiredness. A bit of a headache above my ears. Hard to think of anything academic, but very easy to think of fluffy bimbotic stuff.
Need to set out what stuff I need to do right now.
1. Contract report by Sunday noon
2. Prepare for moot (the rebuttals and so on)
3. TWC presentation stuffies
4. Readings, revise, ohmygod, what am I learning in class?

1 having utmost priority, 4 having least priority for now.

#faints.

And my brother blabbed my blog to my mum. But oh well. It doesn't hurt to have less secrecy in the world.