Maybe all it takes to relax is time, because today after a good rest (sleep) I feel more driven. And it also takes some interesting projects. Surprisingly TWC is looking more appetizing now after doing some preliminary research for the report.
#hopeful

Suddenly remembered what somebody told me... That it's all in the mind; that if you choose to think it's boring, it will be boring as hell, but if you choose to have fun, then you will.

Freaking out. About the workload. Again. And I feel sick and tired cos a flu seems upcoming.
But we can only march on.

Full. Smugger. Mode. Now. It's really a matter of discipline. I remember myself telling the law camp interviewers that law is a test of stamina rather than brains and I think maybe my comment might have sounded a little too melodramatic. But, well, they asked me how I found law school so far, so. I can't pretend and say, "oh, it's the loveliest thing ever!" (Yup, btw I signed up to be a facilitator for law camp.) And the interviewers should understand because they are our batch mates.

Save me from this.
But honestly, there's nothing to save myself from. This is life in its normal state. I've always had work to do. And even if there was a need to save myself, only I can do so. Right.

The advertisements are irritating.

Just saw a quote on Multifolds Photography's quote on facebook-- no matter how strong of a person you are, there's always someone who can make you weak.
Awwwwwwwww~

I feel like in the past I was a donkey wandering through the woods. Now I feel more like an owl. More alert, and wiser I hope.

Awesome. This song speaks for my heart. I've never seen lyrics that resonate so strongly with me before.

Nothing's real. Except fiction. The fiction that our mind creates every second. With this fiction stripped away, the next most real thing is probably just the sound of my own breathing. Everything else is a clutter of sights and sounds that our mind has to organize into fiction.

Shock. After typing that I realized I typed "our mind" subconsciously. Either I'm saying that you and I have a collective mind or it shows that I have more than one self.

The world is so complex and ever-changing that when you face it you realize your problems recede into irrelevance, and I'm reminded again that these issues are my own and there's no issue of blame at all. The only pressing issue is what to do next. And the answer to that is to move on (i.e. study for tmrw's test). Basically I'm against whining to friends or family. Turn whining inwards. My new take on myself.

Inspired after reading blogs. By the way if I had the capacity to do so I'll probably be working 24/7 every second, but I don't, so I blog, and the time I spend on blogging is sometimes more than what is wise.

I don't think I enjoyed my jc life. And my secondary school life, although secondary school was more fun than jc. Despite my mild exterior I think I was secretly a competitive person and it almost consumed me. Everywhere I went, and literally everywhere, people asked me about my grades and told me to work hard and not slack. I grew up believing that my self-worth lay in my grades, and so I pushed myself really hard, and maybe that's why I have a few strands of white hair now (who knows?). I forgot how to make friends and open myself up to people. I smiled and laughed and went out with friends but secretly I thought I was a really boring person. I envied, and I still secretly envy, people who make a living not doing something that required years of studying, but who make a living performing and teaching the arts (like music etc.). They might be cash-strapped, depending on how popular their music is, but at least they are doing what is a true manifestation of themselves (right? or is there no such thing as a true self?). This is why I've never been truly proud of my schooling, except at interviews. In social settings I introduce myself as myself (unless probed further).

I definitely made a few friends from secondary school (and they have stuck with me till today). I also made a few in JC (and only one has stuck with me till today). The rest have moved on. I don't have many groups of friends even though I want to, because I just don't find the chemistry with them. And for some I felt the chemistry but the friendships plateaued and have since died off. But on hindsight I don'r think it matters; what matters is who I have now. It's like a part of me has lived, and then died off, and now I'm plucking off its dead branch, and putting it in the tree-hollow that is my heart. So lyrical.
It's really hard to define what sort of people I have chemistry with.

I've made a few more friends in law school, and I hope they last a long way too. Something tells me that these friendships are here to stay for a long time and are unlikely to plateau and die off, unlike some in the past.

I also notice a trend in my life, and the trend is that it is getting darker. I get to know friends with darker sides, with darker outlooks on life. And I think my outlook is darker too. I've become more foul-mouthed, more gossipy and much less politically correct. My old self would probably have reeled in horror at my current self. I'm not sure about this change in myself but I think as long as I say stuff at the right time it's okay.   Deep down I'm quite afraid that I'll degenerate into a disillusioned, gossipy lady who takes pleasure in abusing people. But I think I'm still far from that state.
I find that I've always tended to take the moral high ground when talking to friends, but I think I'm doing that less nowadays. Maybe I'm becoming more amoral. I realize that there's nothing great about myself anyway, so why should I bother to be so morally upright, and why should I aim to be the epitome of goodness? I'm human after all and no one is an epitome of goodness. Except some saints. But I know the boundaries and I don't want to step out of them either.
I also find that I'm usually the one in my circle of friends denying the existence of negative stuff. I'm the one living in lalaland. That's because surrounding myself with positive thoughts keeps me going. But I also recognize the truth which is that life gets dark sometimes. I think I am still quite sheltered because my whole life has been spent living in a greenhouse, and I've been cultivated by my environment to study and be a good girl and all that. I need to transfer myself out into the real environment, and I think I'm probably on my way there.

And the truth is... what is important to me now is being myself, and discovering new people and new things, and treasuring the old that is still with me in the present.
I didn't expect this to such an introspective post. I should really start studying.

Here's a rather apt song, apparently from Grey's Anatomy, which I don't watch. To myself, my family and my friends: don't forget me! (yes, I shouldn't forget who I am, that's what I mean)

Performed at SMU's openhouse today! Then got home and sat myself down to study. But couldn't concentrate. Put my head down to rest and ended up dozing for about 15 minutes. And now I'm here! With my contract textbook open in front of me. I'll blog a bit and then I'll quickly go into full mugger mode. I promise.
Grateful to have such lovely friends who spent time with me celebrating my birthday! And some of them even have midterms next week! (like me, but this is my birthday they are celebrating after all, not their own!) All in all, a great 20th.
-Is a happy mushroom- So much work for my humble birthday. Touched that friends and my family (on sunday) get together to make my birthday a good one, and me, out of so many other people on this planet. It's really just another day on earth, but to me and my family and friends, it's a chance to get together and share the loveeeeeee. :3

Now I really have to return to reality and gear my brain up for contract midterms. Really, Marsha. What are you doing with your life?