Can't help being judged, can't help being rated. All I can do is maintain this bubble of composure in me, that reminds me that I have done what I would always have done and I've tried my best.
People definitely judge others when communicating; it's only through judging that people exchange ideas, start admiring other people, and start making friends (and enemies, but that's not my point).
So, don't take it too personally.

I'm typing this because sometimes I feel horrible when I think about grades and bell curves. The thought of myself competing with my friends and being jealous or critical of them really scares me. I've gone through such experiences before and I don't want to go through them again. I want to be myself.

That's why I really disliked it when this dude in my cca looked so agitated when our section didn't play together (i.e. rhythm not together, a bit scattered. Emphasis: a bit scattered only). Relax, we are there to enjoy ourselves, really. Standards will only go up with more practice so there's no point getting agitated. Of course he redeemed himself after that by becoming slightly more normal. But, damage done. And damage was worse because cca is definitely a place to relax, not a place to pick out bad points and get agitated over them. Conversely, if somebody gets agitated during class I'd understand better.

Sigh I'm feeling irritable today.

“Angst is not the human condition, it’s the purgatory between what we have and what we want but can’t get.” 
― Miguel Syjuco, Ilustrado

Honestly, being in samba teaches me more than new rhythms and how to hit a dhol (an Indian drum). It teaches me how to relax and I realize that I play the best when I'm relaxed. :)
I started today's samba session feeling sian which is my usual mood these days, what with thoughts of silly ct assignments and a mountain-load of revision to do... then after a while I felt more relaxed, and by the time we ended the session I was feeling cheerful.
Sadly, today is the last samba session because we're supposed to study for our exams.
But I'll remember what I've learnt from samba which is to relax, even when it comes to revision and exams. Relax but still do my work!
- Level of well-being increased-

I:
Need to stop feeling bored so easily
Need to be more efficient
Need to stop being distracted
Need more time
Need to stay back in school tomorrow night for some meeting but that's okay if it turns out productive, which  should be the case because my group is kinda efficient
Need to study
Need to study
Need to study
Need to study
Need to chill a bit because there's 3 weeks left and...3 weeks should be enough. Even if it's not enough I will do the best I can do within these 3 weeks
Need to do silly assignments for ct
Need to have more patience doing ct
Need to go bathe now
Need the study break to start from today so I don't have to go to school next week

Need more nice songs like this, that I can't get enough of. :D


Need to watch a movie
Need to buy more clothes

Sigh okay I'm in quite a foul mood now. Not very foul, just 50% foul.
But on a bright note I found out that I have a passion for gossip. :D
I told my mum about my passion and she said that I'm immature and innocent, but she was very amused by it. All is well because I had a lot of fun relating to her my passions as well. :D
Just speaking about my passion lifts my mood. I can't believe myself. -_-
Though I kinda agree with my mum that I'm immature. Sometimes I sense that my energy level is way up there but other people's energy levels are about half of mine and I get this floaty surreal sensation, i.e. is there something wrong? :( Maybe I'm not growing up fast enough. :(
This is the time when I start to miss my lower secondary school days when we were all hyper together. Upper secondary was a bit like the start of the dark moody teenage years for me so I don't recall that period with a lot of fondness. JC was the end of my dark moody teenage years so I don't really treasure that period either. Now I feel like I'm back to my childhood but everyone else is so adult-like. Oh well. Maybe I'm doing a Benjamin Button.
DO YOUR WORK, MARSHA, STOP CHATTERING. #sigh. Okay, conscience.

Here's the time of the term when I say
OH NO I CAN'T FINISH MY WORK AND IT'S STILL PILING UP

Sigh. Backlog's been living with me for about a week and it's not getting smaller. I'm kinda used to its presence now but I'm not enjoying its company because it's like a little stone on my mind that I carry around all day and all night.
Note of encouragement to self: just start clearing the backlog and it should get smaller soon.

Nice song to listen to in the morning

In the process of clearing backlog... 

One thing I find quote-worthy is somebody's status which says 'I don't quit when I'm tired, I quit when I'm done'. Yes! That's the spirit. I'll only go to sleep tonight when I find that I've finished a substantial bit of my readings. Which is really quite a lot.

Sometimes I say something to my mum knowing full well that it has quite a loaded meaning. Then the next time I say something related to that subject, she gives me a loaded look. I don't know if we're thinking of the same thing actually, but this feeling is quite cool. :)

Another quote I find really quite beautiful (also someone's status)--

"When I say I love you, it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love who you are, what you do, and how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what and who you are." 

And this is apparently quoted from a Joss Whedon who is apparently an American who produces films.

I keep thinking of the Sir Bennie at the Basement Cafe at school. Sir Bennie is poached eggs on ham/salmon on some bread. It's good.

I need to go back to reading my casebook.

Super excited yesterday while checking my timetable and comparing it with friends. Alternating between playing the drum and checking my phone for the last half hour. Hahaha.
But now I'm kinda sad cos so few of my friends are in my classes. :( On the bright side I do know 2 people with the same timetable as me. Or more. Because I remember chatting with sbd and she said I have the same timetable as her and a bunch of other people she listed. Okay, not bad, time to make new friends!
Now I'm looking forward to year 2 when we can bid for our own modules!!
Sigh pie.
Nothing I can do about this so... I'll START STUDYING.

teheh. today was a fun day. we spent our time gossiping in the gsr (group study room) after studying for a while. needless to say, when we started gossiping we forgot all about our textbooks and casebooks. then after that we went for a talk about psychiatry and its role in criminal law... interesting right! the speaker said some overseas unis have this course in criminology for lawyers but we don't have it. :( yet.
but i was quite distracted during the talk too haha.
now that all my presentations are over (except for 1), i should really start looking at clearing my backlog. yes... backlog...
a song to lighten the mood: