some takeaways from yesterday.
not sure if i want to be a lawyer, which is an "existential crisis", but like all existential crises, it is not to be taken seriously and one should just move on.
move on= not lose your sense of adventure and imagination.
which I suspect I have.
What kind of person I want to be or what I want to be remembered for: well, I don't really need to be remembered. maybe at least remembered as a good person.

--
also i watched a video where Kevin O (from pentatonix) spoke Chinese and did his celloboxing and then I started having a fangirl crush again hahahah :D man, in my dreams I would be learning how to play the cello.

spent the past few weeks having my research paper in the back of my mind, and doing some preliminary research on it, focusing on facts and all... when last night i thought to myself, crap! I only have until next friday to complete it, and all I have in my hands are a selection of facts, and not the theories behind it or any substantial concepts?
this week. sunday to friday. intensive RP writing. no distractions. except for other deadlines ;_;

Growing old
Feels like you're giving up your soul
I'd rather give it freely 
To the ones I call home.

Can't agree with these song lyrics more.

today I suddenly missed samba (my old cca) very badly. may join the alumni drum sessions for fun. :)
i think i had an implicitly self-imposed ban because it was great to be able to go home every day after school and have more time to sleep, and maybe watch Suits, and have more time to study and hence be more on time with my readings (as compared to previous semesters). it was quite a relief to not have to balance my studies with cca commitments (they were really on about concerts, and gigs, and silly costumes stuff and sometimes i felt pressured to go for trainings). and also i told myself i didn't really have any group of friends there so i'd just be bored.
but then today I thought to myself: damn, i'm really sick of studying all the time. having my life revolve around studying, and i'm now about 9 weeks into the semester, has made me feel very off balance. one of the reasons that i've been giving myself, that i have no group of friends there, is probably just a red herring. who cares, really. and what's great about joining the 'alumni band' is that i have zero commitment.
that is, if the alumni band becomes a reality. from what i heard, it sounds very unconfirmed. -.-

I keep going to the river to pray
'Cos I need something that can wash out the pain
And at most
I'm sleeping all these demons away
But your ghost, the ghost of you
It keeps me awake

Catchiest song of 2014! I can't stop playing it. (And of course Ryan Tedder had a hand in it, he's probably the most talented songwriter out there) Also, this Ella is only 18 years old. 

When someone sticks to his/her ideals, at the risk of going against authority, and at the risk of being isolated, I think that we should be slow to condemn him/her. That someone deserves at least some admiration. He/she may not be correct, may probably be idealistic and naive, may probably be wasting his/her time that could be put to more productive use. But he/she deserves more respect than other two-faced people who compromise their ideals in order to fall in behind authority, and other lost people who don't even know what their ideals are. Somebody who sticks to his/her ideals is a wolf, somebody who compromises his/her ideals or does not know his/her ideals is a sheep. There are many sheep around us. Without them society would be missing a portion of its population. Sheep are useful-- therein lies their value. Wolves are not useful. They're admirable, but because they stand out, they come within firing range and they're the first to be sacrificed. It's a sad fact of life.
What am I, and what are you?
Let me say that I am only human, and there are many things which I do not yet understand about the world. I am still a passive observer.

Now I find I understand myself best when I'm alone, or at home, for hours. I used to try to talk to many people to figure out who they were, and perhaps, more accurately, to find out how I responded to everything. Because when I was a kid I didn't think I had enough experience to know who I was, so I threw myself into social situations so that I could see where my boundaries lay. That's just one reason. The other reason is easier to understand-- it was just a sense of adventure.
The main point is that I'm making a mental note to myself that: I think I've come to find the boundaries I was looking for. It doesn't mean I will stop dreaming, I will keep doing so, but with a better compass this time.
(Of course, the meaning of 'dreaming' has changed since I was in secondary school.)

Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
In other words...
let recess week come now so I can take a break from all this reading.

I have not done anything fun in a long while...



Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

(The Beatles)